To find ex SILs behaviour spoilt and passive aggressive

[beltedmaisy]

My DB works very hard and as ex SIL has no living family a lot of the childcare for their DS falls to our side, this is fine we are happy to have him and don't charge SIL. There has never been any animosity.

SIL has always bought birthday gifts for our family from DS and herself presumably by way of thanks for our help.

She has just been to our house dropping off Santa presents for DN as we have more room to hide them until Christmas eve and she also slipped us a gift set and asked if we could wrap it with DN and give it to him for him to give to her Christmas morning when questioned further she explained how he'd been a bit upset on her birthday which was a few weeks ago when his teacher asked if mummy had gotten anything nice.

AIBU to think it's not our responsibility, we're doing more than enough as it is and that the last thing a 5 year old is thinking about is a gift set for his mother? It's left a really bad taste in my mouth and makes ex SIL come across very passive aggressive!

He works 50+ hours a week?

He's not heard of online shopping then?

I can't put into words just how unreasonable you are being.

What I notice is that you feel the childcare you provide is to help her out, not your brother. You realise you're also enabling him to work, but you don't see it that way do you?

Your brother is a dick if he can't even be bothered to get a gift from his DS for ex SIL and maybe she gets you all gifts because she considers you family, not as a thank you. Clearly you do not see her as family.

As for your DM, well you all sound very precious about each other and unable to see each other's failings, whilst being happy to run down your ex SIL at every opportunity. Your family sounds horrible.

I'm not surprised the OP hasn't been back.

I wouldn't ask someone else to wrap a present on behalf. I adore Christmas and am full of festive spirit but receiving presents just don't float my boat. Playing devil's advocate, dn would know abosutely no difference if sil wrapped the present she got herself. If my dc are happy then so am I. I'd have wrapped it myself and been "delighted" with the surprise from Father Christmas.

Families are complicated, and never more so than at Christmas. I have ex -ILs and the situation can be difficult. It's very kind of the OP to look after her dn for her dB and ex-sil.

Everything that WhereYouLeftIt said - what nasty fuckers you all are.

Yes SmaDizietSma she could do that. Maybe she would do that if she realised what her ex-husband's family thinks of her. Perhaps she assumes they would not mind helping and that way her son can be more involved. Part of the problem is that she assumes they are kind and bare her no ill will.

Something has occurred.

You know that you are shit for forgetting her birthday and thats why you are accusing her! You know that you are wrong and you dont like it so you are making her out to be the bad guy.

So, in order to avoid this in future, treat her nicely, help her child buy Mummy a present and remember her fucking birthday.

You are welcome :)

You, your brother and your mum are arseholes in this situation.

Ex SIL sounds lovely.

I don't think I've seen a thread before where everyone agrees.

Just popping in to say I've actually been in the exSIL's shoes in terms of having had a small child who wanted to make a fuss of me on my birthday with no real means to actually do so. It made me really sad for her, seeing her efforts, so I really don't think your exSIL was having a go at you OP. It really is possibly she was trying to spare her DC's feelings.

SIL can assume OP doesn't mind helping because she helps out. In ten years, my siblings nor their partners have ever helped with childcare.

I'm totally not arsed about presents and so I'm a bit when adults mind about things like this. It sounds like the Op isn't bothered about presents either. I don't buy my siblings birthday or Christmas presents. I don't even buy a cards for grown ups (shrug). A text or funny meme us all that is required. That would be scandalous to my oh's family.

SmaDizietSma she didn't wrap it because she wanted her son to help wrap it.

She maybe only bought the cheapie set because she doesn't actually want / need anything so didn't want to spend loads on something that's only to make the child happy

The entire point of those box set smellie gift thingies is either as a gift for teenagers who use epic amounts of them love them and want enough to sink a ship.

Or

For small children to spend ages looking at them trying to pick the smell they think the intended recipient would prefer finally choosing one getting all excited about how wonderful it will be because when you are little they look very grown up and glam.

There is a reason they tend to be pocket money prices.

It is your duty as a parent/grandparemt/other loving relative to be overwhelmed with gratitude declare it to be your absolute favourite scent in the entire universe and how clever that the child gift giver was to know this, then prepare to get one every year until they hit about 17 and realise there is more out there in the world so they then buy you some gloves.

I'm pretty certain that these two reasons are the only reason why the companies that churn them out make billions.

I can't actually believe someone sat down and posted this thread. What sort of mental process does someone go through when they actually think these sort of things?

I haven't had a birthday or Christmas gift in eight years, since my father died. I wish someone would take DS out and buy a gift from him, cheap gift set or not. I might try buying something and see if his daycare are kind enough to help him wrap it. Hopefully they won't be as mean spirited as the OP.

I understand Tilly and agree that might be nice. I'd be happy with a picture.

The OP looks after her dn and I'd kill for that type of support. I get on fantastically well with my siblings, in laws and ex-sils and they don't look after my dc.

YABVVVU and sound a lot like my ex's family (whatever exSIL does or says will be wrong somehow).

You sound really unkind tbh. The way you are reading into all of her actions says far more about you than it does about her. ( eg: She didn't spend enough on herself = being a martyr. She spends too much on herself = my poor brother has to work so hard and she spends all the child support on herself!).

Your brother should have bought and wrapped the present with your nephew (and should have done the same for her birthday too).

After the last post I've gone from thinking you are ridiculous and you DB is lazy to thinking you are one of those families. DM cant accept that she has raised a lazy man child who palms his kid off onto his Mum and Sister, so she slags off anyone who highlights the obvious that they are doing he's job, you blindly agree like your DM is the grown up who you look to before making your own mind up about people. You and your DM sound nasty and childish.
Look up spoiled, look up passive aggressive you wont find a definition that fits anything in this situation. Woman buys herself cheap crap gift to make her kid happy. FWIW I still remember what I 'bought' and wrapped my Mum for Christmas as a primary school kid.

Gobsmacked by how unreasonable you are being. Poor Ex-SIL.

Anyone remember Whimsies? Those little china animals. I used to save up my pocket money every year and then be taken Christmas shopping in town. I'd buy one of those animals for my Mum, wrap it up and be so proud and excited about it, keeping it a secret, waiting for her to open it on Christmas day.

That's the sort of experience the little boy wants to have and his lovely mum wants to facilitate that. She's not asking anyone else to pay for it, just let the lad help wrap it. I really can't see what she's done wrong.

This is like the plot from a Dickensian novel, I hope the next update includes a ghost.

is the OP coming back?

Marmalade I bought my Mum Whimsies for years! And an ashtray one year - it was the 70s..

Please help Op.

No it's not passive aggressive. Maybe your "fiercely protective" mother has trained you to be too quick to take offence as the comment on problems arranging work doesn't strike me as attacking your brother - particularly if he's working v. Long hours.

I think this thread has descended into bullying of OP so have reported it to MNHQ.

Calling the OP and her family 'nasty fuckers' for little provication is not on.

*provocation

Conversely, I don't think it is bullying.

I think the OP is a bully. A passive aggressive one at that.

Op - I think you can see how unreasonable you are by now!

I've just been for a drink with a friend who mentioned helping his 15 year old daughter buy a Christmas present for her mum, his ex-wife. He also works ridiculous hours and quite rightly provides for his family (they split up years ago). Your DB should make sure that his child gets his mum a present on her birthday and at Christmas. I feel really sad for your ex-sil having to buy a gift and ask you to wrap it. No family of her own and having to rely on her ex's family a lot can't be easy.