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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find ex SILs behaviour spoilt and passive aggressive

318 replies

beltedmaisy · 27/11/2015 13:45

My DB works very hard and as ex SIL has no living family a lot of the childcare for their DS falls to our side, this is fine we are happy to have him and don't charge SIL. There has never been any animosity.

SIL has always bought birthday gifts for our family from DS and herself presumably by way of thanks for our help.

She has just been to our house dropping off Santa presents for DN as we have more room to hide them until Christmas eve and she also slipped us a gift set and asked if we could wrap it with DN and give it to him for him to give to her Christmas morning Hmm when questioned further she explained how he'd been a bit upset on her birthday which was a few weeks ago when his teacher asked if mummy had gotten anything nice.

AIBU to think it's not our responsibility, we're doing more than enough as it is and that the last thing a 5 year old is thinking about is a gift set for his mother? It's left a really bad taste in my mouth and makes ex SIL come across very passive aggressive!

OP posts:
MyOwnAdventCalendar · 27/11/2015 17:11

Just reread your title.

Spoilt and PA. You really are a nasty, nasty poor excuse of an Aunt.

MrsAlexanderSkarsgard · 27/11/2015 17:11

*what comes

GruntledOne · 27/11/2015 17:14

I just don't understand what your point is about the present from your nephew being cheap. Maybe that's all she could afford? Maybe she thought it's more about a little boy feeling good about giving his mum a present than what the present is? You do seem determined to find a hidden insult to you in everything the woman does.

BadLad · 27/11/2015 17:15

OP, you are pathetic.

nicknack9510 · 27/11/2015 17:20

Just to recap:

Your ex-sil works part time (so you can't complain about her living off your DB).
She tries to arrange all her shifts around your DB, to prevent putting any of you out more than necessary and apologises when it isn't possible.
She buys presents for the family, even though she is no longer a part of it.
She doesn't complain when the entire family "forgets" (I get the impression you knew and didn't feel any need to reciprocate) her birthday.
She makes an effort to ensure that her son isn't hurt by your DB's thoughtlessness in not sorting out a present and has asked you to wrap it as it would cause an argument if she asked your DB to do it (just guessing here).

She is making it impossible for you to cast her as the villain in this piece. No wonder you don't like her!

NanaNina · 27/11/2015 17:23

I somehow think the OP will not return!! Extraordinary how she came back to justify her position but actually made it worse.

Lauren15 · 27/11/2015 17:25

Wow. The poor SIL.

Hygge · 27/11/2015 17:25

Your brother is able to work 50+ hours a week because his ex-wife is doing the bulk of the childcare.

On the days she has to work part-time, she tries to arrange her shifts for his days off. A comment like "but you know how that goes" implies that this is difficult for her to do.

Is that because he considers that his work is more important than hers?

You say she has no family, so still relies on her ex-husband's family for help, and you say she is grateful for your help.

Helping her is also helping your nephew and your brother. Is that really so difficult to see?

nicknack has said it better than me but the woman doesn't sound spoilt or passive-aggressive to me.

You, on the other hand, are not coming over very well. Nothing you have said makes her sound any worse or you sound any better.

bessiebumptious2 · 27/11/2015 17:28

OP you've just ruined my Friday night. Thanks. Now I'm in a bad mood because I'd forgotten that mean and selfish people exist in the world and POST about it. But I'm sure that you'll justify it all to yourself.

And if you were my exSIL? I'd be grateful that you were.

A unanimous YABU. Have a lovely weekend.

MmeGuillotine · 27/11/2015 17:29

Wow.

SuperFlyHigh · 27/11/2015 17:29

PS OP - your DN and ex SIL have it spot on here, they're obviously not tied up in being snobbish about gifts ("cheap chemist present" has to be a really low insult and certainly one I've seen on MN!) OR the amount of money your DB rightly spends on maintenance etc.

They share more than your family do - some things called love, caring, kindness, compassion.... It's such a pity ex SIL won't read here to see what a truly nasty piece of work you, your mother and Your DB are. Walk a million miles in someone else's shoes who's got no family (apart from yours) and is a single mum before you sling nastiness at ex SIL from all sides. I agree with someone else, if your DN gets wind of this when he's old enough to understand quite rightly he'll want nothing to do with the lot of you when he's older and I don't blame him one bit.

INickedAName · 27/11/2015 17:31

Why would her apologising to your mum for not being able to arrange her working hours around the days the boys dad has off, not go down well with your mum? She's apologising for her putting your mum out, because if she had managed to work on your brothers days off then your mum wouldn't need to look after dn.

It's not because your mum thinks her son shouldn't look after his own child on his day off is it? I hope your brother doesn't think that way either. Lots of people work those hours, they don't get not to be a parent. The only reason your db can work the hours he does is because he has an ex who is picking up all his slack. He should be thankful he's not getting charged!

I feel really sorry for your ex SIL, this is the meanest thread I've read on here.

SuperFlyHigh · 27/11/2015 17:32

Oh and OP when the mother receives the "cheap chemist gift" from her DS she will treat it when she opens it as if it were gold, frankincense and myrrh that the 3 kings brought for baby Jesus and when she uses the "cheap rubbish" she'll only think loving thoughts of her DS.

And no I'm not apologising for putting the boot in.... Oh and it's your first ever post here too. Here have a Christmas Biscuit. and hope you choke on the biscuit

INickedAName · 27/11/2015 17:40

I just don't understand what your point is about the present from your nephew being cheap. Maybe that's all she could afford?

If it was a pricey item ex SIL would be slated for having the cheek to spend the "generous maintenance" the brother kindly provides on stuff for herself.

shazzarooney99 · 27/11/2015 17:43

So she buys all of you presents but you dont buy her any??? you think she gives your presents as a thank you? a thank you for what? that child is part of your family, so i dont think she has much to thank you for. Its very kidn of her to buy yous presents.

BlueBananas · 27/11/2015 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NotWeavingButDarning · 27/11/2015 17:47

God, what a wretched, wretched thread. Sad

I am still hoping it's a reverse.

If I were the SIL I'd be seriously contemplating moving to the far side of anywhere to get away from you.

vic1981 · 27/11/2015 17:48

Agree, BlueBananas!

Pollyputthekettleon45 · 27/11/2015 17:50

Not coming back OP?
Good. I hope you take all of what is said on board and think for your DNs mum at Christmas when she has literally no one but her son.

rookiemere · 27/11/2015 17:51

Why did their marriage break down?

shazzarooney99 · 27/11/2015 17:52

Pollyputthekettleon45, I just have to say luv what a wonderful post xxxx

QueenofLouisiana · 27/11/2015 17:52

The only thing that seems unreasonable is that the poor woman has to buy her own present so her DS can give her a Christmas gift. I'm sure someone else on the family could buy something with him so it's a real surprise.

I take one of DS's mates shopping just before his mum's birthday so he can get a present for her- I know her family is as good at present buying as your brother appears to be. I'd hate to think she missed out just because she is a mum on her own. I know she appreciates the gesture- even when is just a bunch of flowers or chocolate.

shazzarooney99 · 27/11/2015 17:53

It really makes you sad doesnt it? to think that there are people out there all alone especially round christmas xxxx Ive actually got tears in my eyes with this thread xxx

LurkingQuietly · 27/11/2015 17:56

I never post, but this is the most disgraceful thing I've read on here recently. You are massively unreasonable and completely vile. I really hope your nephew doesn't ever realise the extent of your nastiness.

As an aside, I would have LOVED to have read what you thought had your ex-SIL passed you an expensive gift to wrap instead of a small token present.

You need to have a word with yourself.

GruntledOne · 27/11/2015 17:57

I'm guessing OP and her DM are offended at the remark about not being able to arrange her working hours around the boy's father's days off because she said "you know how that goes", and DM would have interpreted that as being a slight against her DS of whom she is fiercely protective, i.e. an implication that he isn't reliable about letting her know his days off or tends to change them at a late stage.

But I suspect that if SiL did mean that it derives from bitter experience - I'm quite sure she would genuinely try to fit in with his days off so as to allow her child to see his father and minimise the amount of child care she needs to arrange. And if OP's DM finds it offensive to be told that her golden boy is less than perfect, she needs to suck it up.

I must confess I'm another one who doesn't understand why OP perceives she is helping her SiL with their son but not his father.