AIBU to ask for wise words to help me get rid of guilt due to not BF?

[GlitteringJasper]

Both my dc are sick at the minute, horrendous d&v and cough which has lasted for weeks. Both 2.9 and 11 month old really miserable.

I know that BF babies get sick too but I can't help but feel that maybe the immune systems are less effective as I didn't.

My guilt is compounded by the fact that I just didn't want to BF and therefore didn't try it; I'm worried now that I probably should have.

When you hear that breast is best, is there a clear differentiation between the health of BF babies and those who weren't.

Not sure why this is an issue now, maybe due to illness but I really need to get over it.

Nopefiply this makes sense and there will be some wise words.

"bf fucking nazi shitheads where to stick their bf propaganda"

Sorry - it's not 'bf nazi shitheads' who are disseminating information - INFORMATION, not PROPAGANDA that breastfed babies are less likely to end up in hospital or dying from SIDS because they are breastfed, it's UNICEF, the Lullaby Trust, the WHO, the NHS, the RCOG and the RCM.

You don't want to hear it. Doesn't mean that information shouldn't be out there in the public arena or freely discussed. Or that information which is unpalatable to you is ergo 'propaganda'.

We've all had to make pragmatic decisions about our choices as parents. I had to go back to work when my first was 5 weeks - something I think was bad for my baby and bad for me. I haven't spent the last 16 years insulting people who say that the best place for tiny babies is with their parents and blaming them for my emotional difficulties with leaving my newborn in someone else's arms every day.

But that was just tough shit for me, and nobody else's fault. It certainly wasn't the fault of those people who raised concerns about me returning to work so soon, on breastfeeding and about the impact on my baby.

If you had bloody awful postnatal care that contributed to you developing PND - well, you had bloody awful care. That's not my fault, or the fault of anyone else promoting breastfeeding. Poor care happens all the time - by people who are trying to push breastfeeding and just as often as people who are undermining breastfeeding and discourage it.

Surely we can agree that BF has health benefits (often, not always), whilst at the same time agreeing that the OP need not feel guilty for FF?

We don't have to deny the health benefits of BF. We can just say, you don't need to feel guilty because none of us - not a single one - does absolutely everything based on what is the "ideal world" healthy choice for their child. Sometimes other factors are allowed to take priority.

Because it's that simple, Writer Obviously.
I refer you back to my previous post which you've conveniently ignored. Bf is emphatically not for everyone. Breast feeding statistics are harmful when they're being rammed down the the throat of a vulnerable, potentially depressed new mum.
As I said in my previous post, it's attitudes like yours that tried to push me in bf, made me feel guilty when I couldn't, which spiralled me into pnd and robbed me of the first few months with my ds.
Dh had to take time off work to be with me too so there was a financial implication too.
With ds2 I took no shit from the breast feeding zealots and it was a wonderful, happy experience. And both ds are healthy adults, I couldn't tell you the last time either of them visited the GP.

I had an absolute shitty time trying to breast feed, the first 8 weeks of my baby being in my life were horrendous. I spent most of it in tears. Both DH and my HV were worried about my mental health, I was in quite a bad place and looking back now, if I were to meet a woman who was experiencing what I had, I would tell her to stop ruining her time with her new born.

I absolutely accept and agree that breast feeding isn't for everyone, I don't think I have implied any different. All I said was that a lot of research around the benefits of breast feeding is belittled or rubbished, which I think it is.

I haven't spent the last 16 years insulting people

Not about childcare, perhaps. But it's pretty obvious that there is some transference going on with you about your own parenting guilt. Given that not a thread goes by without you piling in to lay on the BF guilt onto vulnerable people who need SUPPORT.

minifingerz there are quite a few factors that are thought to decrease/increase the risk of SIDS.

Breastfeeding is only one of them.

But I'm quite sure you know that.

I'm quite happy to hear it, mini
I find the fact that you pop up on every bf thread with your oh so helpful crapopinions quite hilarious.
I never said my post natal care was bad. It wasn't.
I just wish that the lovely doctor who came and sat with me and reassured me that however I fed my son he'd be fine had turned up earlier.
And he was right. I have two happy, healthy, shock horror ff adult sons.

OP please try to let any guilt you feel re ff go. It won't help long term.
Unfortunately we have health professionals advising bf is best to all mums without distinction.
In an ideal world we would have personalised support and care, rather than just being told breast is best and then left to e.g. get support from family, friends n society in general.
For many people the support just isnt there and with sleep deprivation you are expected to welcome visitors and answer questions on why your 2 to 3 week old baby is constantly crying and losing weight. All this time accepting health professional advice when it may be that you are so exhausted you've actually fallen asleep on top of your lil one, then had the wrath of family getting annoyed with you as they just cannot see benefits.
I think we live in a difficult transition time and the professionals don't have enough time to support effectively. Family dont understand that early visits are not helpful, obv depending on your family, some mums may prefer more.
My MW was very proud of me at 1week still ebf but when I told her I could hardly see her face I was just so exhausted she said I will drop off a book called Bestfeeding to keep you committed. Haven't a clue where the translation went wrong, and she presumed I would be able to spend time reading but was too exhausted to explain!!!!!
To promote what they advise I personally believe (tentatively waiting for an attack) the promotion is generalised. So, bf benefits include a stronger immune system would be the one that has led to you feeling guilty.
From what I remember bf in the first few days provides antibodies, the golden stuff, I don't think this is meant as a long term cure all.
All little ones deal with lots of illnesses during the toddler years and unless it develops into something serious will make them stronger in the long run!
Afterthought, all fed babies are loved and nourished and cutiepied by their loverly mums xxx

Minifingerz I don't think you're helping the op here. Yes, Breast is probably best, yes Breast feeding is rightly advocated by health organisations. But it does not work for all mums every time and the result of people like you who insist that everyone must 'try harder ' and that's all there is to it causes damage to mums who then go on to suffer pnd and anxiety through misplaced guilt. No one who feeds their baby with any kind of milk has anything to feel remotely guilty about.

Indeed waiting, I bet the OP feels much much better now - NOT!

tbf mini was responding to all the posters who describe FF the same as BF and that BF is of no value.
She hasn't told anyone to try harder just pointed out the benefits do exist.

Why not discuss how she(OP) feels and why and talk about what she can do to keep her LOs healthy now ( good diet, hand washing) rather than the usual " my kids are healthy so BF is a waste of time" just to justify their own choices.

And when the view that continuing to breastfeed when you're finding it a bit of a struggle is emotionally dangerous is common currency. Where's the incentive to keep going when things are hard? **
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This reads a bit like people should try harder, even if it's not meant that way. I think that is more than a 'bit of a struggle' for those that can't carry on for various reasons.

Look the point is, no-one should feel they have to justify their choices.

There are benefits to both breastfeeding and formula feeding, and given how the OP is feeling about not having breastfed, this is probably not the thread to use as a platform to push a pro-breastfeeding agenda.

Minifingerz seems to have done her utmost to make the OP feel like shit imo.

Sorry, that was to nicestrongtea but I answered the phone mid post

Agree with nicestrongtea. minifingerz only mentioned the benefits of BF after many many posters had said or implied that there were no health benefits.

This thread is not the place to push all the health benefits of BF but neither is it right to say there are none.

As I said before, the OP shouldn't have to feel guilty, regardless of the health benefits. It is her choice as a mother to weigh up the benefits vs the downsides, this is an equation which will vary for every mother and child.

She didn't just 'mention the benefits', she chose to bang on and on about it and also seemed to imply that breastfeeding alone reduces the risk of SIDS, never mind all the other possible factors.

I'm not saying she was the only one who seemed to push their agenda, while disregarding the OP's feelings.

But it's a poor show considering the OP came here for help.

Agreed Worra.

The OP asked for people to tell her reassuring things about FF, as her kids are unwell. So people shared examples of how either FF DC were not ill, or BF DC were. To show that BF would not have stopped her DC having a cough and D&V.

And given that request, I think it is very insensitive and agenda-pushing to come on here and bang on about how people just don't try hard enough and are putting their DC at risk of SIDS

The op probably knows the health benefits we all do but the posters who push their opinions onto a mother who is feeling guilty isnt helpful or supportive and its a pretty shitty thing to do imo

But actually what happens is the health benefits are denied -again and again.
BF is a factor in the health of babies ,its not shitty to say that .

In terms of sids there is some evidence that suggests dummies reduce the risk. But of course that's rubbished because dummies are seen as 'common'.

Where have the health benefits been denied? Not by most, bfing when it works well is the best thing, no issue there. The benefits are also as frequently overegged though in my experience. The people who claim their kids don't need vaccinations for example because bfing will protect them for example or when my dd was a baby claiming only ff babies would get swine flu. Yeah right.

Well all over this thread to start with.

"BF is the best thing when it works well"
Well at last !
Never heard of a single person thinking their DC don't need vaccination because of BF.

A reduction of 50% in SIDS( after adjustments) in EBF babies - Jesus Christ it makes me want to cry that this is not out here .
WHY???

SIDS is a very low risk full stop with respect to full term babies of non smoking parents.

And yes I've heard people make frankly bizarre claims about breastfeeding including about vaccination.

Mmm.

Seems to me recognising the posters histories here those most advocating bf are those on the start of their parenting journeys and as such are the ones keen to read the research and naive enough to think that life is so black and white.

Op seriously no one, least of all your kids,will ask you or give a crap howthey were fed and as they grow you will gain in confidence and wisdom to see this snapshot of their lives and whether you bf or not really really doesn't matter.

I BF my first baby 20 years ago so that's not tying in with your opinion Back
My DC are proud that they were BF, its discussed and they can see the health benefits( documented by a HCP recently) - It really does matter ,however much you would like it not to !