AIBU to ask for wise words to help me get rid of guilt due to not BF?

[GlitteringJasper]

Both my dc are sick at the minute, horrendous d&v and cough which has lasted for weeks. Both 2.9 and 11 month old really miserable.

I know that BF babies get sick too but I can't help but feel that maybe the immune systems are less effective as I didn't.

My guilt is compounded by the fact that I just didn't want to BF and therefore didn't try it; I'm worried now that I probably should have.

When you hear that breast is best, is there a clear differentiation between the health of BF babies and those who weren't.

Not sure why this is an issue now, maybe due to illness but I really need to get over it.

Nopefiply this makes sense and there will be some wise words.

I bf first baby for 11 weeks. BF second baby for 2 years. Baby one is almost never ill. I'm jealous of his constitution. Second baby is a delicate flower who catches everything going. Honestly, give yourself a break

Thanks Dixie

The contexts around BF and FF and how people respond to them are different, as any fule kno. No woman is made to feel guilty for breastfeeding in the way that formula feeding mothers are (there are of course those idiots who think the sky is falling in if women breastfeed in public, but that's a separate issue and not relevant to this debate). Breastfeeding mothers never get the ridiculous accusations and guilt tripping that formula feeding mothers do, and that's why the things we say about the two are not on equal footings.

Again, I have not seen anyone congratulate a mother for formula feeding, though I've seen plenty of congratulations for breast feeding (mostly people congratulating themselves, like saying they produce 'liquid gold', barf). What I have seen are formula feeding mothers being reassured after being constantly got at elsewhere for their choices/circumstances, as if new mothers don't have enough to worry about. And this apparently offends some people.

Nobody is saying breastfeeding isn't a positive thing, far from it. But it's very telling that when a formula feeding mother is reassured that she is not doing anything wrong, and her baby will be fine, that so many people take this as some kind of insult to breastfeeding.

Perhaps you could pop over to infant feeding and lend your proud power over there where it might actually do some good

I was responding to someone who implied women shouldn't be proud they BF. I'm entitled to post what I like thank you.

Also I disagree Sheba about BF mums not being guilted, accusations, inequality etc buts that's for another thread. And oersonally I rarely see BF mums being commended, but maybe we just read different things and move in different circles! And I'm not insulted at a FF mum being reassured at all (in fact I reassured her myself) but I don't like the efforts of a BF mum being sneered at to seemingly make a FFer feel better

"No woman is made to feel guilty for breastfeeding in the way that formula feeding mothers are"

Actually I think you'll find that's not the case, particularly with older babies and with situations where the mother is struggling with poor weight gain and breastfeeding difficulties.

As for 'being made to feel guilty' - people feel guilty when they are reminded that the choices they are making for their child may not be optimal. That unfortunately happens more often than it should with feeding choices because of visible health campaigns to encourage more breastfeeding. It's worth reminding that the clumsy 'breast is best' agenda is largely an attempt to balance out the cultural and promotional bias towards bottle feeding, which did a lot of damage to breastfeeding rates in the 1970's. Breastfeeding rates are now going up, but slowly, and sustained breastfeeding is still problematic in the UK.

The bottom line is that most babies in the UK over a few weeks old aren't breastfed, so bottle feeders don't need to feel like part of an oppressed minority. Those women most unlikely to continue feed their baby in the way that they want are breastfeeding mothers.

I EBF and both mine are constantly ill. dd2 has had some bug permanently since 6 weeks (she's now 8 months), dd1 still gets every bug going.

I do believe BF has health benefits but long term rather than avoiding colds and bugs. And probably more for some children than others (mine were premature).

Every parent makes compromises somewhere, we have to in order to stay sane. I EBF, on the other hand I did controlled crying at a pretty young age to get them to sleep better. I don't feel guilt about the CC, nor should you about the FF.

I sympathise op - someone upthread said it was a funny thing to be thinking about given the ages of your kids, but mine are 4.5 and 3.4 and I still feel like a failure.

I usually try not to think about it but two friends have recently had babies that are breastfeeding well and I can't help but look at them and wonder why I couldn't manage it when they can

I manage to restrict my remarks to congratulating them on doing well with feeding (one friend has had to really persevere and deserves a medal for that) but it is with a slight frog in my throat sometimes.

Having said all that, DH and I were both FF and our boys were FF from 8 weeks. We're all pretty damn healthy!

Op I know how you feel. I only breastfed both mine for a couple of weeks mostly due to it being painful but even though ds1 is 7 now I still feel guilty, I feel jealous when I see someone breastfeeding and I feel as though I missed out.

Of the people I know who bf and ff the bed children get just as ill just as often.

I felt better recently when I went to a group and everyone was ff.

I think breastfeeding mums and ff mums sometimes come under terrible criticism and judgement I've heard some crazy comments from one social worker I worked with saying she though it was wrong to bf once the baby had teeth, I've known women be pressured to stop bf and told that the baby isn't getting enough milk. I've had snide digs about ff on here and from healthcare professionals.

It's another stick to beat women over the head with.

I chose not to breastfeed and my DS is right as rain and my friend who ebf has a little one who is incredibly asthmatic...which he's inherited from her. My point being that it goes way past how you choose to feed your kids. Your kids have been unlucky in this shitty weather. It has nothing to do with your choice to bottlefeed. I'm sure you're doing a grand job. Remember: this too shall pass

The facts remain that 81% of women in the UK started off BF their babies in 2010 ,by 6 weeks that had fallen to 23%.
What is happening in those 6 weeks in the UK that isn't happening in other countries ?
I think its down to a complete lack of support but what we have is mothers who are shouldering the blame and guilt themselves.
Lets stop the BF/FF nastiness and steer towards providing decent support, you don't after all learn to drive a car without instruction so why would you be able to BF without assistance ( mind you DS was a complete pro!)

I still say BF rates would go up massively if all of the money they're putting into breastfeeding posters and notices in doctors surgeries saying "MUMS WHO WANT THE BEST FOR THEIR BABIES BREASTFEED", actually went into ensuring that all mums get breastfeeding help if they want it. Rather than trying to coerce women who don't want to breastfeed into doing it, why aren't they helping the ones who do but are struggling?

OP, you're doing great. Piper, you're doing great too. Neither one of you is doing better than the other, neither one of you is a better parent than the other, neither one of you can predict whether your child will be more healthy or more intelligent or more anything thanks to BFing/FFing them. You should both be proud of what you're doing - at its very simplest, fed is best.

(And just to chuck my anecdote in, DD was FF from 3 days due to poor support and undiagnosed lip tie. She's just had her first stomach bug in over a year, and only her second bout of illness ever (and we're pretty sure she caught that from eating playdough at nursery the little bugger). She's 20 months old).

I still say BF rates would go up massively if all of the money they're putting into breastfeeding posters and notices in doctors surgeries saying "MUMS WHO WANT THE BEST FOR THEIR BABIES BREASTFEED", actually went into ensuring that all mums get breastfeeding help if they want it. Rather than trying to coerce women who don't want to breastfeed into doing it, why aren't they helping the ones who do but are struggling?

This with bells on!

I know this isn't a bf, ff debate but I totally agree.

I didn't need to be told breast is best, I didn't need a guilt trip I needed help.

OP, my advice:

This is a hard stage of parenting - relentless, and tiring. How you fed your children is just one of the many many decisions you will make across their lifetimes, and I would contend it's a pretty minor one in the grand scheme of things.

You will look back and wonder why you worried about this.

'You know, if you look through the Relationships and Family boards, you'll find many examples of shitty parenting causing people harm. But never once, in any of those threads or at any time in real life, have I ever heard anyone claim they were damaged because they were born by Caesarean, or formula fed'

Totally agree Sheba

I've never posted before (long time lurker) but really wanted to chip in here. I breastfed my son until he was three and a half, because I wanted to.

When he nearly three, he went to nursery and for around 18 months, hardly two weeks went by when he didn't have a bug. The GP told me the exposure would help his immune system and he hardly gets anything now (fingers crossed).

It's horrible when they're sick. I really feel for you, but they catch stuff, regardless.

You didn't do anything wrong. Please give yourself a break.

Just decide not to feel guilty.

I breastfed one son and not the other. I have never really dwelt on it. They are teens now, but even at the time I had clear reason for formula feeding.

It probably helps that the breast fed son has asthma and a few other health issues and the formula fed son is in perfect health, so there are no sensible links to worry about here.

You have to give yourself permission to let it go.

As it happens, my 2 year old, FF, was never I'll u til aged two when she started nursery. In your face BF!

I ff my two because I did not want to breastfeed, not because I couldn't.

It is a perfectly acceptable thing to do. It is not your fault your kids are sick.

Take it from us, you're doing great.

Neither of mine were bf. wasn't brave enough to try with ds (tried once in hospital and gave up). He is one of not many kids in his class never to have time off sick.

Dd was bottles too. She had a tongue tie and struggled with bottles. She picks up colds every other week...

What's with the in your face BF?!?! Is that the kind of comments we are looking to make on this thread or this forum? The mind boggles. Really.