AIBU to ask for wise words to help me get rid of guilt due to not BF?

[GlitteringJasper]

Both my dc are sick at the minute, horrendous d&v and cough which has lasted for weeks. Both 2.9 and 11 month old really miserable.

I know that BF babies get sick too but I can't help but feel that maybe the immune systems are less effective as I didn't.

My guilt is compounded by the fact that I just didn't want to BF and therefore didn't try it; I'm worried now that I probably should have.

When you hear that breast is best, is there a clear differentiation between the health of BF babies and those who weren't.

Not sure why this is an issue now, maybe due to illness but I really need to get over it.

Nopefiply this makes sense and there will be some wise words.

I breastfed all my 4. I think do what suits you, life is too short to feel guilty about such things.
Enjoy your children, you can not stop them picking upbugs

I struggled to BF my first for 4 months. It was awful. He was quite a poorly child when little. Lots of typical childhood illnesses and then a horrid kidney condition.

2nd. Couldn't face the inevitable (and likely unsuccessful) struggle. Tried for a couple of days and gave up. Fit as a butcher's dog!

Kids get ill. There are many things you can do to keep them well: good hygiene, good nutrition, teaching hand washing as soon as possible, not smoking and yes probably BF.
NONE will guarantee your child stays well.
We all do the best we can and try to make the best choice for our family. No one can ask more.

Breast isn't "best" - and I wish people would stop saying that. In the western world, it is "better", in terms of being cheaper (providing the mother has a good diet) and easier (once it's got going), but that doesn't mean that formula feeding is "lesser", nor that formula-fed babies are disadvantaged

Hmm I think that's subjective re being easy - many many women would say FF is easier! I also hate "breast is best" - best is natural. So what "breast is best" is essentially saying is "breast is better than formula" - whilst it's true that it's a better substance it's an awful message as it a) implies one set of people are better than the other based on ONE choice and b) attaches a level of sanctimony to those who do choose to BF. It's an awful message and I wish they'd just say "breast is natural"

I'm not 100% sure about breast being easier... 4.5 months in to doing every single feed, including hourly night time wake ups for the past month, and never being able to be away from the baby for more than 2 hours as she's a bottl refuser... I often think FF might be easier!

Oh and also everything minifingerz said - every parent has an anecdote about feeding and for every person who says "my FF child is never ill" there'll be someone somewhere else who'll say "my FF child is always ill" - except maybe the latter won't comment on these types of threads to avoid upset. So putting anecdotes aside you must look at facts - and the fact is all children at some point get ill. We can't clone a child, BF one and FF the other and have them live in exact same circumstances, therefore no one will ever never know the benefits or disadvantages their child has because of feeding choices. So don't beat yourself up about it, like I said earlier no BF child is immune from illnesses simply because of breastmilk

A friend of mine was bottle fed and is now the director of a hedge fund. I was breast fed and my salary is so low I couldn't afford a pot to piss in without my husband.

I challenge you to walk into a classroom of five year olds and work out who was breast and who was bottle fed...

This has made me feel so much better, thank you.

I've had a horrendous time with my two under three and v little sleep and I suppose I wasn't thinking clearly.

I'm surrounded by lots of people who BF and one (who's just had a baby 5 weeks ago) was the 'liquid gold' that is her breastmilk and it just pushed me over the edge.

As a 2x csection and 2x ff mother, I feel a bit inadequate often.

It's easy for me to say, but you just have to ignore the idiots. Let the twit secreting Au from her breasts use it to buy a private island in the Seychelles where she can go and feel superior to everyone else (including starving babies in developing countries with no access to formula) and nobody else has to put up with her crap.

As a mum who ff 2 dds bfing is obviously better and evidence shows it in the entire population. It's weird to claim otherwise.

But the effect isn't as big as some people like to make out but tbh I don't blame them if I'd put the effort into bfing for a year I wouldn't want to be told it was pointless . Unless you are a single parent ff is easier. The idea though that being bf would have prevented dc catching a tummy bug in the nicest possible way LOL

Very few people manage 100% ideal in pregnancy, childbirth, feeding, parenting. Breast feeding is just one factor in all.

I had massive problems BF'ing my first DD and as a result she was part for 8 weeks at which time she completely went off the boob and opted for the bottle. My second DD never got off the flaming boob despite my best efforts and fed exclusively until 6 months when I tried my hardest to wean her but she still never took her last feed until she was 2!! DD1 is much more susceptible to colds (but think she just gets that from her Dad), but DD2 is heavily prone to tonsillitis, gets it all the time and gets really REALLY poorly (much more poorly than DD1 gets with her colds) scarily high temperatures and unable to get off the sofa. DS1 was breastfed exclusively for 4 months and has already had 2 colds at 10 months old . . .

I honestly don't think there's anything in it!! Kids get sick. And as you have two close together, when one gets it chances are the other will too.

It's horrible to see your babies sick but really really REALLY stop beating yourself up!! We're all just winging it day by day trying to do the best we can.

You know, if you look through the Relationships and Family boards, you'll find many examples of shitty parenting causing people harm. But never once, in any of those threads or at any time in real life, have I ever heard anyone claim they were damaged because they were born by Caesarean, or formula fed.

I guess some parents just really need to stick their superiority complexes up their arses in people's faces before their kids are old enough to give their own judgments.

I don't think valuing your own breast milk makes you a "twit" Sheba OP had older children (so friend might not think feeding is an issue at this point) and her friend is in the post baby emotional phase where you're kind of obsessed with feeding and it does feel like liquid gold. I once expressed 30ml and knocked it over, I cried for ages what do you expect her to say "my breastmilk is shit and awful"? Why on MN does it feel like only FF mums can be congratulated for their choice and being proud of BF and what you produce is being a twit?

Piper, to my mind it's a daft and pretentious thing to say, and so anonymously, without the woman in question ever knowing or caring, I'm going to call her a twit. And don't start on the 'well then obviously you think breast milk is cyanide" or whatever. That's just too dumb to engage with.

You and everyone else are obviously free to conclude in turn that I'm a twit and to say so.

I haven't seen anyone congratulating FF mums (though I've seen plenty do it to BF ones). What I have seen is people reassuring worried FF mothers who think they're the devil's spawn if they're not able to produce liquid Au from their breasts, or they can but it's just so exhausting or distressing that it's better they just use the perfectly viable alternative.

Totally agree Piper
Im really proud that I BF mine but that gets turned into a negative just because others choose to FF.

One of the things never mentioned regarding BF is the extended health benefits for the mother- reduced rates of cancer, cardiovascular disease and diabetes.
Maybe if that was promoted instead then it wouldn't all be so angsty

Sheba
BF mothers usually go through a hell of a lot to establish BF, its not the same as mixing up a bottle and quite frankly any woman who successfully BF despite all the negativity displayed towards them in society and the media bloody deserves congratulating !

BF-ing put me in intensive care (mastitis led to sepsis) so yes I'm proud I'm still BF-ing!

As backwards as it sounds, recovering being ill is actually giving them far better immunity than BFing would have done.

Of course it's horrible when they're sick, but BF babies aren't immune to everything forever.

Sheba I didn't call you a twit. Ever.

HCPs use the term "liquid gold" about colostrum which is probably where OPs friend got it from. We don't know the context in which it was said but your post implies that any BF woman shouldn't be proud of what she has produced. Or did you just assume she said it in a sanctimonious way? (If she did in a "formula is crap and BM is liquid gold" way - which I highly doubt - then yes she's a twit)

If someone had called formula "liquid gold" I doubt anyone would call her a twit. So why can't BF mums say it?

Can we not turn this into a bf/ff debate please? All the OP asked for was reassurance that her decision not to breastfeed was not what was making her kids sick. Until just recently this had been a really lovely support thread. Let's not make an issue where there's not one. We've all managed to cheer OP up, we're in danger of ruining that

I initially struggled with BF as DS shredded my left nipple. It cracked in a circle right around the tip and every feed pulled the crack wide open, it ended up infected with thrush and it was like lactating ground glass that had been soaked in acid. DS lost quite a bit of weight despite almost constant feeding and was 6wo before he got back to his birth weight. I was crap at expressing and even now if I try to express I get puffs of milk dust but no actual milk.

And I've still never felt the need to refer to it as 'liquid gold'. Sorry but that is pretentious. I don't even feel any particular sort of pride or accomplishment for BFing, my baby needed feeding and he got fed. Job done. I got lucky in that, cracked nipple and weight loss aside, he took to feeding really well. There were no latch issues, he fed well, I had no problems with blocked ducts or mastitis, but that's all it was - luck.

No matter what you do, somebody somewhere will think you're in the wrong so the best course of action is to do what you believe to be best for you and your family and never mind anyone else's choice.

OP, your decision not to BF was yours to make and you were happy with it at the time, don't doubt yourself now. I have a 3.5 yr old who was BF until 35 months, he was great until he started at preschool then started picking up all sorts of bugs. I also have a 4 month old who is BF and has had one cold and I'm suspecting has bronchiolitis (leaving for drs in 10 mins). Who knows and really who cares if it makes a difference, your choice is your choice so please don't feel bad. Would you rather have BF and hated every minute of it and been a less happy mum? That wouldn't have helped your children would it? Have confidence in your choice

I don't even feel any particular sort of pride or accomplishment for BFing, my baby needed feeding and he got fed.

That's fine, but it's doesn't mean no one shouldn't feel that way because you didn't. I feel proud and accomplished for BF, it's bloody hard work and was a real achievement for me to get established for many many reasons, which is why I'm proud.

Me too Piper, but that's not what this thread is about. And aren't a load of posts about how great you are for breast feeding just going to make the OP feel more shit in this case?

Exactly notine, you're on the wrong thread piper. Perhaps you could pop over to infant feeding and lend your proud power over there where it might actually do some good.

And as we seem to have to add our credentials l bf dd1 and currently express for dd2. Expressing is way more harder than bf...can l have my medal now please?