AIBU to ask for wise words to help me get rid of guilt due to not BF?

[GlitteringJasper]

Both my dc are sick at the minute, horrendous d&v and cough which has lasted for weeks. Both 2.9 and 11 month old really miserable.

I know that BF babies get sick too but I can't help but feel that maybe the immune systems are less effective as I didn't.

My guilt is compounded by the fact that I just didn't want to BF and therefore didn't try it; I'm worried now that I probably should have.

When you hear that breast is best, is there a clear differentiation between the health of BF babies and those who weren't.

Not sure why this is an issue now, maybe due to illness but I really need to get over it.

Nopefiply this makes sense and there will be some wise words.

Agreed Focus . . . such a shame the OP's thread has gone this way and I really hope she's not reading all this

www.facebook.com/MyLifeInTheNuttHouse/posts/840002256112725

Please look at this all of you

I think it's intended more as an 'in your face' to the sanctimommy-types who believe that breastfeeding is a one-way ticket to perfect health and formula is the equivalent of poison/smoking during pregnancy.

Ahh bless you - don't guilt trip yourself. My DD was bottle fed but I desperately wanted to feed her myself. I beat myself up over it for ages. She's now 25 years old, is tall with a perfect size 10 figure and has hardly ever had a days illness in her life!!

"I think its down to a complete lack of support"

It's vastly more than that.

Support is much more prevalent now than it was when I had my first 16 years ago. There is a bf clinic somewhere in the borough on every single day of the week. There are 24 hour helplines, 3 helplines, a mass of Internet resources. But women still drop out of breastfeeding at nearly the same rates as they always have done.

TBH I sometimes wonder why should anyone continue when most people are adamant that regardless of medical evidence, it actually makes fuck all difference to a child. And when the view that continuing to breastfeed when you're finding it a bit of a struggle is emotionally dangerous is common currency. Where's the incentive to keep going when things are hard?

People are actually so confident that bf makes no difference that they will tell you with utter confidence that it absolutely WON'T harm your child not to breastfeed. This is something they won't do in relation to any other lifestyle choice you make which might have a bearing on your child's health, or risk of SIDS etc.

We just don't value breastfeeding at all.

"o the sanctimommy-types who believe that breastfeeding is a one-way ticket to perfect health"

I think you'll find almost no one believes this.

But it's a very good accusation to fling around if you are trying to ridicule people.

It also distracts attention from the fact that breastfeeding reduces the incidence of SIDS, and results in significantly fewer GP visits and hospital admissions in babies under 6 months.

I was responding to someone who implied women shouldn't be proud they BF

I wasn't implying women shouldn't be proud that they BF. I was saying I don't feel pride that I BF. I don't understand why I should feel proud of myself for it. I didn't do anything earth shattering, I simply fed my baby. I don't feel proud of myself when I make my own meals, to me it's no different.

That's not to say others shouldn't feel proud if they want to, just that I don't.

Oh jeez how this thread has degenerated. My dd was admitted to hospital because she was breastfed.

Breast is only best when it works out well that is not 100% of the time.

mini that's why I said "Sanctimommy-types". Have you been on Sanctimommy? It's full of examples of those opinions.

And no, it's not distracting attention from that fact. That's like saying we shouldn't be allowed to discuss bullying someone for their weight because obesity is a health crisis in the UK. Most people can think about more than one issue at a time.

The fact remains that on an individual level, the true effect is totally unpredictable - and I know you're all about the PUBLIC HEALTH ISSUE but to be perfectly honest with you, my baby is healthy and that's enough of a sign that FF is fine for me.

And if there's breastfeeding clinics in every borough on every day, they need to advertise themselves a little more, as they were nowhere to be found when I needed them - not that it mattered by the point I could access them, as the hospital refused to discharge me until I "sorted out" breastfeeding or gave formula - their words, not mine.

I don't think there needs to be an incentive to keep going when things get hard. If people are struggling and choose to stop for the sake of their own emotional and mental health, anyone who criticises them for that is nothing more than a colossal twat.

But of course, these threads always turn into a public-health-issue, people-just-don't-try-hard-enough circle jerk.

DD1was exclusively bottle fed from day 1. Met my NCT group with the counsellor when they were all about 6 weeks. Each of the others was exclusively breast fed and all had colds. DD was the picture of health. She was not impressed.

Children get colds. Your feeding method is not to blame

TBH I sometimes wonder why should anyone continue when most people are adamant that regardless of medical evidence, it actually makes fuck all difference to a child

So I guess we're doing this then. Sorry OP that your thread has been completely de-railed. In response to the above comment, for me breastfeeding was never about the milk being better, I didn't believe that to be true. It was about the bonding. I'd worked in childcare for a long time when I had my first. I'd bottle fed hundreds of children . . . but I'd never breastfed one. Breastfeeding her somehow (for me) made her mine. And the feeling I got when I fed her was magical. That's why I persevered. Having said that. I've bf all 3 of my children for different lengths of time for different reasons and I'm not any more or less bonded to any of them.

I agree with others that while support is better than it used to be, it's only there if you know about it. I'd never even heard of a breastfeeding councillor before I had DD1 and no one suggested it to me until she was 5 weeks old and we'd already been back into hospital with dangerous weight loss! By then it was too late and bf'ing ultimately failed. If I'd seen her before I'd had her things could have been very different. Which is why whenever I speak to a pg woman that wants to bf now I near enough beat them over the head with how important it is for them to go, where it is and what time!

But mini it won't harm your baby not to bf

Otherwise there would be a whole generation in deep shit

Bf is good for mum and baby. The research shows that. But so is doing a hundred other things in the scheme of things. This is such a short time in baby's life that l do understand why some people strongly encourage others who are struggling to keep going. I kept going and in the end it worked out and l bf for 8 months.

But omg, those first 12 weeks were hideous and l would have stopped if it weren't for the guilt all the health care professionals made me feel.

I have formula fed both my children (3 and 4mo). My best friend has yep children roughly the same age who were EBF. They have had an equal amount of colds, viruses and bugs in their short lives. Don't beat yourself up - kids are more likely to get run down because they don't eat enough fruit and veg, not because of how they were milk fed as babies

It's bizarre how this thread kind of degenerated a bit. I'm EBFing my baby at the moment and I've seen relatives dragged through hell over both EBFing (by family - "your milk isn't enough for him, it's not rich enough, our baby is FF and looks how big he is yours is puny ") and FFing (by HCPS and fellow mothers "you didn't try hard enough")

As a consequence what has happened is the the EBFer under attack has now developed a deep resentment of her formula feeding relatives in front of whom she constantly feels inadequate. The FFer resents the EBFer because she feels judged the entire time. Neither is happy. Family gatherings are very fraught with tension. Incidentally both babies concerned are doing fantastically.

This thread showed so many many examples of BF mums coming and supporting an FF mum. This is was truly fab.. (Of course, Reading the thread would seem to produce a version of reality where BF babies fall more sick than FF babies, but I'm sure this isn't being implied, although it does come across like that).

Everyone knows that breastmilk has properties formula doesn't. However, breastmilk (the product) is different from breastfeeding (the practice) and breastfeeding like all practices may not work out the best for all. Anecdotally, and on individual basis it very often doesn't seem to matter. Large scale public health evidence of course cannot be denied - it exists.

Either way it would be so wonderful if FF mums could not constantly be harangued that their baby has such such and such because they were FF.

Similarly it would be wonderful if BF mumsdidnt have to justify their feeding schedules (none) methods or quantity or quality of milk to elderly fathers in law ready with examples of " Dot's granddaughter was BF and was so puny".

For what it's worth, I have a niece on one side of the family and a nephew on the other side who are the same age as my DS within a couple of weeks. They were both EBF whilst DS was formula fed. They are considerably more sickly than my DS. I can only attribute this to the fact that my house is far dirtier than theirs and the germs have given him an immune system of steel! Be kind to yourself.

"Either way it would be wonderful if FF mums could not be constantly harangued that their baby has such and such because they were FF."

But where has this happened ??
The reality is that BF mothers are told that there is no difference and the implication is why bother when actually my Nanas, aunties, sisters all BF and their DC are "sickly"

If all mothers BF for 6 months the effects would be staggering in the reduction of SIDS,D&V and ear infections and the cost implications for the NHS would be in the millions- around 40 million saved if 5 common illness were studied and the subsequent reduction in hospital admissions.
The facts rather than anecdotes speak for themselves.

It also distracts attention from the fact that breastfeeding reduces the incidence of SIDS, and results in significantly fewer GP visits and hospital admissions in babies under 6 months.

I didn't think that was ever actually proven?

I'm pretty sure there are too many other environmental factors to take into consideration.

Jorahmormont, thank you for pointing out that my 'in your face BF' comment was directed at the sanctimommy type BF posts and comments. Not on this thread, in general. The sanctimommy Fb page is great, BTW.

Some people need to lighten up.

OP, honestly you're doing well. Children get sick whether BF or FF.

At a population level there are sometimes small differences between BF and FF, but they can't even say for sure whether these are caused by other factors. On an individual basis, you absolutely have not harmed your DC.

As a PP said, being fed is best. And the science does not support the guilt.

And to those who came onto this thread seeking praise for persevering with BF, FFS - not the time.

"Either way it would be wonderful if FF mums could not be constantly harangued that their baby has such and such because they were FF."

But where has this happened ??"

Quite.

It's part of our bizarre UK mythology around breastfeeding support and promotion.

At a population level there are sometimes small differences between BF and FF, but they can't even say for sure whether these are caused by other factors

Sorry - who's 'they'?

Every single major reputable organisation advising on the health of mothers and babies - including the NHS, the RCOG, the ACOG, the AAP, Unicef, you name it, is clear that breastfeeding reduces the incidence of minor and also serious ill health in BOTH mothers AND babies, and that advice is made on the basis of large epidemiological studies and meta-analysis of research which controls for a huge range of other factors which might affect outcomes.

*"It also distracts attention from the fact that breastfeeding reduces the incidence of SIDS, and results in significantly fewer GP visits and hospital admissions in babies under 6 months."

"I didn't think that was ever actually proven"*

Well if it wasn't, you've got to ask yourself why the NHS and the Lullaby Trust - the main UK SIDS charity is posting this on their website: (C&P)

here

"Breastfed babies have a lower chance of SIDS

As long ago as 1965 it was shown that babies under 3 months who died of SIDS were less likely to be breastfed than infants who did not die. Since then, numerous studies have supported the protective effects of breastfeeding, with one overview report concluding that breastfeeding reduces the incidence of SIDS by approximately half.

Even a brief period of breastfeeding can be protective for your baby. It has been shown that both partial and exclusive breastfeeding have been associated with a lower SIDS rate, but that exclusive breastfeeding was associated with the lowest risk."

I'm shocked and saddened at the level of ignorance on this thread.

I completely agree with focusfocus, the op asked for words to help her to stop feeling guilty.

Minifingers you seem to be doing your upmost to make her feel guilty.

This is NOT the thread for so much that's being said on it (comes from an EBFing mum, an academic by roofless ion, very well versed in the major studies around health outcomes of BFing).

Time and place....

Roofless ion......PROFESSION.sorry typing one handed while getting boob inhaled

OP you absolutely have nothing to feel guilty about. I have two happy, healthy adult ds who were both ff. I can't tell you the last time either of them visited a GP.

I had a lovely friendship group when they were babies and we used to babysit for each other. My ff babies were the only ones who never had the inevitable bottle of yellow antibiotics in the fridge and who weren't frequent visitors to the GP.

You can be as shocked and saddened as you like, mini. My pnd was caused by midwives, well meaning NCT members twats making me feel I should preserve with bf. I hope your proud, mini that your comments about ignorance and being saddened may make a new mum feel the way I did all those years ago. Well done you. I wouldn't wish those feelings on my worst enemy.

Don't ever, ever tell me I'm ignorant about this. I look at my beautiful, healthy adult sons and I really wish I'd had the balls to tell the bf fucking nazi shitheads where to stick their bf propaganda, but I was ill after a difficult delivery so couldn't do it. Because they made me so ill, I missed out on the joy of the first 4 months of my first baby's life.

I often try and think of any other health research (that has been done on such a major scale as breast feeding has) that is so easily brushed aside as the health benefits of breast feeding is...

I find it surprising that so many people (and I mean generally, not people specifically on this thread) don't accept what the research says.

I don't think there are many research results that are questioned and dismissed as much as breast feeding statistics are.