To think this is inappropriate and make a complaint to the school

[limcelloinprosecco]

My Dh and I split up in August. I suspect he had an affair with a colleague who is now is gf. Both he and the new gf are teaching assistant at dds school. We had an agreement that the gf would be introduced (out of school as they know each other in school) gradually and they would only do what I felt comfortable with. I have found out that when dd went to stay with her dad the other day the gf was there too and they all shared a bed. This has happened on s coupe of recent occasions. My dd was also told to keep it a secret from me . I'm obviously fuming but my question is could o formally make a complaint to the school for the inappropriateness of it and what action is the school likely to take?
X

I agree with others that you should raise it with the school but not in a guns blazing sort of way.

Just state factually that your ex is in a relationship with TA. Your DD has spent the night with both of them there. She was asked by your ex not to tell anyone. There is a risk that your DD will get confused about the role of the TA in her life. Ask that the TA does not work in your DD's class or discuss non school matters with her on school time to help your DD focus on school matters during school time and to minimise confusion.

The Head can then decide the best way to handle it.

My DCs at this age took the words of staff at school very seriously, I even encouraged them to respect all adult members of the school. In less than a full term this child has witnessed the break up of a relationship, witnessed his dad get on with his life, share his bed (single) with her father and a TA from her school and finally encouraged to not tell anyone. She has now had to disobey her dad and is now not only going to feel awkward at home, at her fathers place but now school as well. His relationship is impacting on his child's school life and trust has been broken.

SS and the NSPCC?

Herd mentality. I don't know whether to laugh or cry....

maybe just shut up as you do not care about the child's welfare .

Regardless of people's sensitivities unless there are indications of abuse there is nothing for agencies to do. It's like talking to the school if DH was seen kissing the TA. Children will take adults lead, if the adults behave like the sky is falling in then the children will think the situation is a big deal. If the adults behave like its no big deal then the kids too will feel it's not an issue.

So there's no problem that a young child has been taught that the people in authority in her life ask her to keep secrets and lies from her mother.

So a 'teacher' can tell her to lie to her mother... About physical contact and intimate behaviours.

And that a 'teacher' can make personal and rude comments about her mother on school grounds.

What the father and TA are doing may not be abuse or merit social services intervention, but as has been discussed many times on here, SS intervention thresholds are notoriously high, and I'm not sure that this should become the guide to good parenting and professional behaviour.

What these two adults are doing is putting the child in a vulnerable position which leaves her open to other adults who push boundaries and ask her to keep secrets.

This is incredibly irresponsible and I would be shocked to find a school that stands by and watches members of staff behave in a way that will be ignoring their basic safeguarding standards and values, and leave a child vulnerable.

I would suggest speaking to the head teacher to keep them informed vs lodging a formal complaint. I'd be up front about the difficulty in raising concerns as the 'wronged wife', and how it would be easy to discredit your concerns as trouble making, yet, there are concerns and you cannot pretend what's happening is ok. I would situate the discussion firmly in the area of two professionals in a position of authority, and the blurred boundaries, teaching the child to keep secrets and the consequences of teaching a child these things are ok.

I think the best outcome would be if the head teacher could talk to the TA and remind her of her professional obligations and moral code.

• And that being seen to blur private and professional boundaries is at best unprofessional, and at worse leaving a child confused and vulnerable.

• And the secret keeping is incredibly irresponsible and although happened off school property, it's still teaching a child that keeping secrets from their mum is fine when an adult in authority demands they do so. It sounds like the father did the actual asking the child to keep the bed arrangements secret, but the TA was present, and gave tacit approval that secret keeping was fine and she wanted this to happen as the secret was about her sleeping with the child.

... And then the child is being taught by other teachers it's never find to keep a secret and if an adult ever asks you to you need to tell another adult immediately. (I really hope it's another member of staff and this TA isn't in the class room 'teaching' about child safety - can you imagine the awfulness if not?)

So what does she expect to happen next with this child? What does she want to happen because of her behaviour?

1. does she want the child to learn that there are 'special exceptions' to the no secrets thing? Like, secrets are fine if the adults tells her it's fine? Or secrets are fine of it's about being in bed together?

1. Alternatively, does the TA want the child to inform on her to another adult in authority? And then deal with the consequences of that?

1. Or is it ok to discredit other teaching around personal and social education? When the child realises that what the school teaches about these things isn't what happens in real life? Where does that leave the child?

None of those are good outcomes are they?

And surely an adult who presumably has children's best interests at heart will see they need to modify their behaviour.

Or if that's too worthy a motivation, surely they'd be motivated by the potential for putting their own reputation in jeopardy, so maybe, not doing that would be a good thing?

Anyway, I hope you get it sorted without the extremes that have shown themselves on here. Good luck.

Lordy. I've stumbled into netmums.

Get a grip!

pretend
Yes, I do think you should get a grip.

I'm glad we agree on something.

I have never been in your situation op but as a TA I could not in all conscious stay at the school. There has got to be a breach of policy here given the lengths staff are expected to go to in order to protect themselves and then this is just flouted at the drop of a hat by another member of staff. You need some proper advice here and perhaps mediation. I cannot see how any of this is in the best interests of the child concerned. Good luck op but in my opinion this is a mess and it needs sorting. I would speak to your ex in the first instance though.

Put another way , if they didn't think they were doing anything wrong why ask OP DD to keep it a secret ?

An unrelated TA should not be sharing a bed with a pupil! It is wrong on so many levels, I am amazed people think otherwise.

I would speak to the head.

As whether or not they shared a bed. The main issue is them telling your dd to keep secret from you, this is a massive safeguarding issue. Both your ex and the ow would have both have had safeguarding training in their school and will know how bad it is to teach children to keep secrets from parents.

why ask op

Because the other parent was attempting to avoid upsetting the op. Probably unwise but not any attempt to conceal anything abusive. OP talk to your ex. Don't make drama where you don't need to. I'm really not saying this because I want you protect your ex. I can see you truly care about your dd but this is a co-parenting issue. Approaching the school is not necessary and even though the HT may mention your conversation to your DH it isn't likely to achieve any sort of resolution that prevents your daughter feeling uncomfortable.

massive safeguarding issue

And part of the training is appreciating that behaviour in one situation isn't a flag whereas in another it could be. If you believe your dd is at risk of abuse then by all means involve as many agencies as you can.

I think part of the reason for differing views is that posters are looking at it from different 'standards of proof' for want of a better phrase.

Some have said they haven't done anything criminal.
Some have said they haven't done anything which would merit formal disciplinary action.
Others are coming from the view that it wouldn't merit Social Services intervention.
Yet others have said (I think) that it wouldn't meet the criteria for a residency order.

All these points of view are possibly correct, but it doesn't mean that the behaviour of the two adults in sharing a bed with a 6 year old child is appropriate, nor is telling her to keep secrets from her mother appropriate, nor even is it appropriate for the OW TA to make disparaging comments about OP in school.

All of the behaviour so far calls into question the judgement, ability to understand and apply safeguarding principles and professionalism of the 2 adults. That is something I think the Head of the school should be aware of, primarily to be able to support a 6 year old whose world has been turned upside down and is being given confusing messages, but also so that he or she can speak to the TA about the possible abuse of authority in telling a child to keep secrets from her mother.

I agree to some extent with Beryl, but I don't think it's a matter to be discussed at this time with any head or agency.

The OP should be talking to her ex, rather.
And I would certainly insist on DD having her own bed when staying there, even if a divan, and even if she chose to sleep with her dad or with any of his gfs, but at 6 it should certainly be her choice.

However, and again, it is to be talked with the father, and certainly not make impositions that relate more to what the OP is comfortable with rather than the child.

The two adults are a couple though. Children have to get their heads around new stuff all the time. The way to foster resilience isn't making them believe that everything should stay the same as it is at any point in time. When is it okay for the ex and the other TA to share a bed? What if they marry tomorrow? It is always always painful when relationships change but the best we can do is explain that both parents love and care for their children. Has the ex been abusive to your dc in the past OP? That would warrant your scrutiny.

I think adults need to get their heads around the fact that actions have consequences.

Asking a child to keep secret bed sharing is demonstrative of behaviour that the adults know isn't right.

I think this is key to the secret thing:
"We had an agreement that the gf would be introduced (out of school as they know each other in school) gradually and they would only do what I felt comfortable with."

Basically, they sort of needed the OP's permission for contact between the dd and the new gf.

The OP should not have made impositions in that respect at all to start with.

Alpacindo re When is it okay for the ex and the other TA to share a bed? This is not about a man sharing a bed with his girlfriend!!!

Nor about children getting used to new situations.

It is about behaviour which would almost universally be recognised as inappropriate at the least.

Lweji you are right she should have her bed but with regards to and even if she chose to sleep with her dad or with any of his gfs, but at 6 it should certainly be her choice. I don't think it should be a 6 year old child's place to choose to share a bed with an unrelated adult. It is not appropriate. Re The OP should not have made impositions in that respect at all to start with. I believe parents do have the right to scrutinise who will be significant in the lives of their kids in the initial stages of breakup. We do not even know if the OP and her not so dear ex/h are even divorced. However, even if she had nothing to say about friendship and contact the idea she woudl have no say in which unrelated adult shares a bed with her dd is not on.

How does laying down in a bed translate to abuse. Would it be a problem if the laid on a beach or the grass at the park. Without good reason not to then op trusts her ex to protect their dc from abuse. Her dc are not inherently at risk by being horizontal on a mattress than anywhere else. And what does the legal status of their marriage have to do with it? This is 2015!

almost universally*

This thread says otherwise. Just because someone may do something that the next person wouldn't doesn't make that action in and of itself abusive.

I believe parents do have the right to scrutinise who will be significant in the lives of their kids in the initial stages of breakup.

I don't. As I wouldn't allow exH to scrutinise how I deal with my own child.

We do not even know if the OP and her not so dear ex/h are even divorced.
It's irrelevant, really.

However, even if she had nothing to say about friendship and contact the idea she woudl have no say in which unrelated adult shares a bed with her dd is not on.
The DD is under her ex's care. Either the OP trusts his judgement or she doesn't.
Complaining to the HT is, in fact, silly.
It's either a child protection issue to be dealt with appropriate action, or have a word with the ex. I don't understand why the OP would want to go straight to the HT before even speaking to the other parent.

If my partner took up with any member of staff and it transpired that my dc had been in the same bed as them I would have no grounds to discuss with the HT/SS unless I had reason to believe my dc was exposed to harm. Not just that I thought adults might gossip. But that my dc was at risk being abused.