To think this is inappropriate and make a complaint to the school

[limcelloinprosecco]

My Dh and I split up in August. I suspect he had an affair with a colleague who is now is gf. Both he and the new gf are teaching assistant at dds school. We had an agreement that the gf would be introduced (out of school as they know each other in school) gradually and they would only do what I felt comfortable with. I have found out that when dd went to stay with her dad the other day the gf was there too and they all shared a bed. This has happened on s coupe of recent occasions. My dd was also told to keep it a secret from me . I'm obviously fuming but my question is could o formally make a complaint to the school for the inappropriateness of it and what action is the school likely to take?
X

Did your dd ever get into bed with you and your ex? Was she then at any risk? Why not?

he just keeps on posting BUT no mention of secrets??

again no mention of the SECRET from 1 of the prolific pp who are doing their best to stop op from talking to the school. OP i am with you - there is an agenda being pursued here by a few pp. as for the pp who has lately jumped on the don't tell the school bandwagon and is saying the child shd not be be leived by her mother!? Who are you?

Who are you?

Rather than being passive aggressive if you are insinuating something about posters then just say it!

What is this 'agenda' you think some people have got?

No one can stop the OP from talking to the school. It is an Internet forum. No one has the power to 'stop' anyone from doing anything

Sorry for forgetting the mention of talking to the ex on one of the posts (not the OP, by the way...). I had read it initially, then forgot about it. Still, he apologised. I get you are not happy, but unless there are serious issues then why the head?

I will also point out that in the OP there was no mention of "what you felt comfortable with" was your ex's words.

And it's still the case that I don't see them sharing a bed as something wrong.
I have already said that the girl should have the use of her own bed, though.
And that if you do think it is a protection issue, then stop unsupervised contact. No point in going to the HT.
And your OH is a TA at your DD's school. If there are no boundary issues there, why should there be with another TA?

Beware, though. You keeping tabs on what happens at your OH's means that he will also be entitled to scrutinize what happens at yours.

Surely both parents have a responsibility to to raise awareness of things they consider to be a potential welfare issue or at the very least discuss it with someone qualified to make that call regardless of the other parent raising a potential issue or not?

She needs to be able to explain why her dd laying on a piece of furniture with her ex and his girlfriend is a potential welfare issue. As for her husband not wanting his dd to mention it, it's for op to thrash that out with her ex unless she feels he is doing so in an attempt to conceal abuse. If she feels it was anything other than a wrong footed attempt to avoid a confrontation she should go to SS. All school could do is mention that op rang. Even if the school could somehow legally terminate their positions because ops dd was in their bed it won't prevent the dd ever being in the same bed as her ex and his gf.

same group of 3 who appear to be scared that op will contact the school. why do none of you 3 address the unprofessional behaviour of the 2 TAs who are ignoring their safe practices training with a 6 year old student from the school they both work in ? read the OP's last p and see what she thinks about you . I agree with the OP. But desperate as you 3 are to stop her from going to the HT , i'm sure you will continue -until she does go to the HT- as you are driving her in that direction . So keep on keeping on!

Scared

You may want to read my posts too. :)
For one, I responded to the OP's last post.

Do I care about what she thinks of me?
Will she be driven to go to the HT because of what other people post about not doing it (because it's useless)? Truly gripping stuff there.

I'll also add that the OP has repeatedly been told that if she really thinks its actually a protection issue, that then she should act properly to protect her child.
Yes, definitely contact NSPCC. Supervise contact. Not bloody try to get the TA to move schools or whatever.

It's, even...

Recently I've noticed totally different responses than I would have expected on a MN thread. I'm not one of those 'it's changed' posters normally, but actually, it really has.

FWIW, I think this is horrifically inappropriate and I'm pretty relaxed about most things. You can't control unfortunately what goes on at her dad's, but you can try to make sure she has zero contact at school, so for that reason alone, I would tell the school. She sounds horrendous.

Fuck me that is awful. This is an adult with a position of trust at the school who is telling the dd to lie. Of course its the fucking schools business. She needs keeping away from the dd in school.

Ohh and the replys would have been sooo different if I had been asking is it ok to have my new fella share a bed with dd and make her lie to her dad about it.
Fucking hell its emotionally abusive.
Are we not meant to be teaching our children that secrets are bad? Fucks sake.

After doing some history searches, apparently 1/2 of the pp who are working so hard to stop the op reporting the TAs' unprofessional behaviour , are themselves either TAs or possibly teachers. Which puts their determined refusal to address the 2 TAs' breaking of the safe practices training in an even worse light.

zero contact at school

Does the op want just that or not want her dd in their bed? I'm not trying to stop the op contacting the school. If she feels her dd is at risk of harm it should be SS who would contact the school anyway if they felt there was an abuse risk. The HT can't do anything. If the op still feels the need to then she will but I just wanted to work it though logically so she can be clear on her intentions and concerns. And besides HT's would not knowingly employ staff they couldn't trust to be professional with every child. There is no 'I trust this TA with that child but not that child' so the HT wouldn't put into place any special arrangements so that the ops dd doesn't have contact with the girlfriend. Op HT's are used to dealing with these issues. Maybe a chat with the HT will help you go over whatever it is that is worrying you. It won't achieve any change you want but it may prolong this difficult patch for you. If HT even mentions it to your ex and partner it won't be in any disciplinary way. You partner is not likely to see your actions as purely out of interest for your dd and may feel that there are other sensitivities being bruised which is likely to create more unnecessary stress for all.

FWIW I was drawn to this having had experience from a school setting. No experience of such a particular situation myself personally but I do appreciate the very very difficult feelings this is causing.

"Did your dd ever get into bed with you and your ex? Was she then at any risk? Why not?"

What a nonsensical post. No one has mentioned an appropriateness issue with the DD sharing with her dad other than it would be nice for her to have her own space.

I see OP is disengaging which is sensible. I will too.

amarmi, I work in schools and am a trained TA and I am I personally think their behaviour is appalling.

Alanpacino, see above. Noone can say whether abuse is happening here at all which is why the previous poster who is a child protection social work responsed as they did. However, there is a deliberate blurring here between school and home life, which is not healthy and that is grounds enough to be concerned which the OP is. I know many teachers and TA's who have taught their own children. This is not a problem and is usual in many rural schools. But this is a new relationship which is months old. The TA is not a parent and her Dad is making poor choices in my opinion. This is not the same at all as a parent teaching their own child. All of which the school needs to be made aware of. The fact that the TA may be in trouble for this is not the OP's concern, her DD is. Go and see the Head OP. There will be some breach of policy here in my opinion and the TA needs to reflect on their practice. At best, the Head may be able to move the TA out of your DD's class and ensure that contact at school is kept to a minimum. And it may give your Ex pause for thought and get his head out of the clouds of this new relationship.

HTs (in my experience) try to avoid staff working in the same class as their child anyway, because it's better for the child.

I thought the main issue was the bed sharing which the school have no jurisdiction over. A HT won't move a TA because it makes a parent uncomfortable. They would need to have evidence that the child's welfare/education suffered because she was in the same class and that it wasn't that the parent was projecting their anxieties into the child. How a parent parents is outside of the school unless it is abusive and then the necessary calls are made. The fact that the GF is a TA is besides the point. What would the OP do if the GF was a TA at a different school? Would she approach both schools? Or if the GF was a child minder? Would she approach the parents of the children in her care? 'Did you know your child's CM slept in a bed with her partner and his dc?' It's unlikely to draw any concern from someone unless they had reason to suspect the CM was abusive. If it was genuinely about her child's welfare and her child was distressed the OP would have gone straight to all the bodies she could. However she realises she is dealing with a huge dose of her own sensitivities.

Encouraging a young child to lie to or keep a secret from their mother is the main issue here.
I certainly would not trust a TA who thought that was appropriate behaviour.

I know of children whose parents are their regular teachers and TA's. And some TA's dating other parents. It's quite normal adult life and I've not know the HT to meddle although they certainly would if the child disclosed something abusive. I don't see that a child laying in a bed with a parent and their partner is inherently abusive. If there is a risk of abuse the bed is a red herring. When is it okay for the child to lay in the bed with her dad and partner? Next week? January? Never?

Which is why I said 'In my experience' (20+ years working in schools). No HT I've worked with in those 20 years has timetabled a teacher or TA to work in their own child's class, unless it was for very last minute cover. It's generally unnecessary and avoided. In 7 years, I only once had to teach my DD's class, and that was for half an hour in an emergency.

So it's back to the dad again. The school can't sort out the difference in what the parents feel is appropriate unless it involved abuse. I think this is the crux of the issue. What one person thinks is abusive the another one sees as avoiding an argument. A HT will see this and refer the OP back to her ex to discuss. It could have been anything. 'Don't tell mum we had chips' unless the op feels the suggestion was an attempt to conceal abuse she should discuss with her ex.

If she feels it was done to conceal abuse she should be on the phone to the police and stopping all contact until SS have investigated.