To think this is inappropriate and make a complaint to the school

[limcelloinprosecco]

My Dh and I split up in August. I suspect he had an affair with a colleague who is now is gf. Both he and the new gf are teaching assistant at dds school. We had an agreement that the gf would be introduced (out of school as they know each other in school) gradually and they would only do what I felt comfortable with. I have found out that when dd went to stay with her dad the other day the gf was there too and they all shared a bed. This has happened on s coupe of recent occasions. My dd was also told to keep it a secret from me . I'm obviously fuming but my question is could o formally make a complaint to the school for the inappropriateness of it and what action is the school likely to take?
X

OP read lostInTheWash post of 13.41.

Everyone else, please remember that school staff have a duty of care to report anything that it is even remotely 'dubious' to their Designated Safeguarding Lead. It doesn't matter if it happens at school or not. It doesn't matter if the people involved work at school or not.
Asking a 6 year old to keep a secret about sharing a bed with an adult is dubious. To have 2 members of school staff doing this is beyond belief. The Headteacher (or whoever the DSL is) needs to be made aware so they can remind the TAs of their professional obligations.

So I should tell the safeguarding that my friend let her 6 year old sleep in bed with her when her partner was in it too. And the safeguarding officer will do what exactly?

Keep a record of the concern, act immediately if necessary, use it with other reports to help build a bigger picture of neglect/ abuse if necessary. Hopefully it'll just stay in the pupil's file on its own.

I'm not a DSL, I don't know all the criteria for 'if necessary'.

I think there are a number of issues here.

For me, the issue that your ex-husband and his partner do not seem to be aware of the blurring of boundaries here. His GF does have a professional relationship with the OPs daughter and so she does need to think carefully about her actions. Sharing a bed with her is not something I think a good idea as things stand, but to then go along with her father telling her to lie to her mother about it is quite another thing. What kind of message does that send? Given the TA's have a role in child protection like everyone else who works with children I think this indicates a lack of thought at best.

The additional problems like "what's your mum moaning about now" is not an appropriate thing to be saying to her partners daughter in any circumstances- and especially not in the school she works in. It's undermining of the child's mother and likely to be confusing/upsetting for the child. Doing so in school is so unprofessional.

I would approach the school as you are concerned about the impact that this upset is causing- not with a view to making a complaint but with a view to asking the teacher/school to keep an eye on your DD and how she is coping with the situation. Also re highlighting the lack of professionalism and undermining of safe-guarding principles (e.g. if an adult tells you to keep something from your parents, then that's not ok).

I think you also need to have a long and serious chat with your ex-husband about what has been happening and how he and his new GF have been behaving. I'd point out you want to be supportive but lying to you, and asking your DD to lie to you to cover up for him is really not helping the situation. It's not fair to your DD and it's not fair to you. It needs to stop. I'd also mention his GF criticising you to your DD is also not at all right and needs to stop before it starts having a negative impact on your DD.

Alpacindo I am not sure most people are mentioning abuse, what a lot of people are saying is that it is inappropriate. If you really cannot see the difference between lying next to someone on a beach and a child sharing a bed with an unrelated adult, I am not sure there is much more I can say... except that no one is claiming that the child is being abused but that it is inappropriate and of course asking a child to lie or withhold information about who is in a bed with them when they are asleep is very dangerous and erodes boundaries about what is normal. Of course I must add IMHO and I acknowledge that not everyone will agree but the majority of posters here do feel it is inappropriate.

Lweji we can agree to differ, I was basing my comments on the OP's post and what she had revealed not anyone one else's relationship, I have no idea what would be appropriate for you or them, I should have made that clear, I was thinking of the OP. Or perhaps in general I would hope both parents would try and be respectful of how they both parent a child together (there will be exceptions, where one or other parent has behaved very badly and their feelings' would not be taken into account). But based on this situation where the op's husband has left her and is potentially now in an open relationship with a women he had a secret affair with. I would hope he would want to do whatever was decent and kind to help all adjust to the new situation, instead he has, IMHO failed to do this, very miserably.

Every pp except 2 has addressed the disturbing wrongness of TAs in the child's school telling the 6 yr old to keep secret from her mother that she slept in the same bed as the TAs . Why are those 2 so invested in asserting that there is 'nothing to see here' ? What irons do they have in this fire?

Nice try amarmai.
Wrong target.

Taking all the job roles out, two adults asked a child to lie about sharing a bed.

pp self identified as #3 who does not see that TAs instructing a 6 year old child , who is a student in the school where they are employed, to keep their 3 in a bed arrangement a secret, as all kinds of wrong. That works out as about 3% of the responders who do see it as a big problem. Hope you are keeping tally op.

As I have pointed out before
We had an agreement that the gf would be introduced (out of school as they know each other in school) gradually and they would only do what I felt comfortable with.

Whereas I would normally be worried about the secret thing, this suggests how annoying and controlling the OP is.
She is not even considering at this stage talking to her ex about it. She'd rather go straight to the HT of the school she works in.
Which suggests that, yes, she is somewhat vindictive.
She is not considering stopping or regulating unsupervised contact, which strongly suggests to me that she actually prefers to find cause to annoy her ex and his gf than protect her dd, or that she actually doesn't see it as a protection issue, just as a reporting to the boss issue.

amarmai I have had the 'nothing here to see' attitude in some ways because, although i think it is inappropriate, i don't see it a a massive safeguarding issue. I am a child protection SW and we would not look into this. General SW would be rather disinterested too. They might ask the school to ask the child if they have any worries but probably no more than that. Unless the school has rules about staff having a relationship i am not sure they can do anything either. It will be interesting to see what the school has to say (if the OP even goes and talks to them). OP needs to take up the keeping things secret business with her ex and no-one else.

pp self identified as #3 who does not see that TAs instructing a 6 year old child , who is a student in the school where they are employed, to keep their 3 in a bed arrangement a secret, as all kinds of wrong. That works out as about 3% of the responders who do see it as a big problem. Hope you are keeping tally op.

Nobody has said that asking the child to keep the bed-sharing a secret is appropriate. Nobody. Of course that's wrong and needs to be addressed with the child's father.

Whether it's right or necessary for the OP to involve the school or Child Services is a completely different issue. I would say it's not.

I agree with lweji, this has nothing to do with the op's concern for her child or she would have raised this with her ex. It does however have everything to do with her need to control him and what he does.

It's entirely possible that none of this even happened since the information was all third hand so to speak.

While it may be common courtesy to inform an ex if you're going to introduce a new partner, no-one has the right to dictate how when and where that is done.

READ the op ! She did raise it with ex and he at first denied it -'was extreme ly defensive' then made excuses/lies when he said it happened once because of bad weather! but op pointed out it had happened more than once. Silence on the secret in the voluminous pp of a very few pp tells where they stand . Plus silence on the testimony of another TA that the OW is alienating the child's loyalty and affection for her mother by asking her 'what is her mother moaning about now'?' on school property. The OW is systematically painting a -ve attitude to the mother in the child's mind = OW is the child's friend - the mother is not. I cannot beleive a SW wd not see this as wrong.

Are you for real Lweji??? I'm annoying and controlling???if you had read my posts I have spoken at length to my ex, it was the first thing I did when dd told me. Talking to the head is an additional conversation. As for what I said about doing what I feel comfortable with which you insist on repeatedly quoting. It was the exs words not mine! I won't post again as now suspect people involved may be on here, but thanks to all others xx

I really hope you get this sorted op but I think there are a lot of people on here making this harder for you than it needs to be. I totally get where you are coming from. Boundaries are being purposefully blurred between homelife and school. The pair of them need to buck their ideas up. When I have been working in a school with my dc I have gone to great lengths not to treat them any differently to the others. What is happening here is not on.

pretend

The NSPCC are also an advice service.

This means they give advice. They are qualified enough to asses an issue or a potential issue or a none issue and only refer on when nesacery.

goblin

Any employer who employes people who work with children have an obligation to follow safeguarding process if that employee has a potential safeguarding issue raised about them regardless of if it is about a service user or not. So it could be their own child a step child or other child not connected with their employment.

OP it's hard to know how to take advice from randoms on the internet. How do you sift the genuine concerned professionals from the daft idiots, or those whose opinion of what is ok is skewed by their own morals & personal relationships etc. Please consider phoning either NSPCC or childline, as there you can be confidential and they are trained, knowledgeable and experienced, they will tell you what you should do.

The upshot is what harm do you feel your dd is at risk of by lying in the bed with her dad and his girlfriend as opposed to sitting on a sofa? If you feel your dd is at risk of some specific harm laying in a bed then surely she is at the same risk at the kitchen table? If it's the issue that DH wasn't upfront then it's him you need to deal with. It's a parenting issue and your husbands boss will see it as such unless you have reason to believe your dd is at risk due to this relationship regardless of where your dd and her dads girlfriend have contact?

The upshot is that any person who works with children and thinks it's OK to tell them to lie about who gets into bed with them is a blithering idiot who doesn't have their best interests at heart. What you do with that information is up to you. I think PHANTO is right and calling the NSPCC is a good call to make.

again no mention of the SECRET from 1 of the prolific pp who are doing their best to stop op from talking to the school. OP i am with you - there is an agenda being pursued here by a few pp. as for the pp who has lately jumped on the don't tell the school bandwagon and is saying the child shd not be be leived by her mother!? Who are you?

OP, it looks like this thread is getting messy, just wanted to give you these and hope this all works out/that you can get some real - life support.

Here here, Keep. for you, op. Hope the muddy waters become calm and still.

Op I'm trying to help you separate your logic from your emotions. If you think your dd is at risk while with your partner then it doesn't matter wether they are in a lounge or a bedroom. If you think she is at risk while in her care you need to involve SS and courts. The school will be unable to enforce any supervision order.

For example as his partner she may well be involved in bath times and so on. Is it your ex or his partner who you feel poses a risk?