To think this is inappropriate and make a complaint to the school

[limcelloinprosecco]

My Dh and I split up in August. I suspect he had an affair with a colleague who is now is gf. Both he and the new gf are teaching assistant at dds school. We had an agreement that the gf would be introduced (out of school as they know each other in school) gradually and they would only do what I felt comfortable with. I have found out that when dd went to stay with her dad the other day the gf was there too and they all shared a bed. This has happened on s coupe of recent occasions. My dd was also told to keep it a secret from me . I'm obviously fuming but my question is could o formally make a complaint to the school for the inappropriateness of it and what action is the school likely to take?
X

It's not a safeguarding issue/of interest to SS as it's not an abusive situation. Children do climb into bed with a parent at that age, she was not an 'abuse risk' and whilst they are being lots of other things, they wouldn't be investigated etc.

The risk (which I do think you should speak to school about) is to her emotional well-being, and they can support her with that.

What does 'abuse risk' mean?

It is OK for mothers to have new boyfriends in bed with their children?

This is totally inappropriate.

I'm amazed at people who think it isn't!

Bearing in mind..

As a teacher, I wouldn't even stop to offer a lift to a pupil I've once taught. Even if that meant getting them out of the rain. I would pause at stopping to talk to them tbh out of school grounds.

Totally blur of boundaries. The TA should actually leave her job/move schools if she wants to continue a relationship with another TA who has a child in the same school imo.

discipline the staff

the haven't done anything wrong so that won't happen.

the haven't done anything wrong so that won't happen.

It certainly doesn't pass any kind of smell test, does it?

Typo - site is playing up today. SS would not consider the daughter being in bed with her parent and partner as a sign of abuse unless there were other indicators. There's no suggestion that anything inappropriate happened (touching/seeing inappropriate things) or that this child is being physically harmed, or that they're being nasty towards her.

The fact that it is likely to be emotionally harmful by dint of this unusual work situation wouldn't merit SS investigation.

I think the most worrying part is the secret bit, I teach my DCs that we have surprises (not secrets) so they are something to be revealed. I worry about anyone, especially teachers that use the word secret. (This comes from a child protection angle, which I'm not suggesting is your situation, but more as a general principle, but also in my opinion encourages lying)

Need, exactly! We're not allowed to have pupils in our cars/add them on facebook/be in a room alone with a child with the door closed etc. One of them should leave.

It is OK for mothers to have new boyfriends in bed with their children?

Good point

It is 'ok' for children to go into their mother's bed to see their mother, which happens to have a new boyfriend in it. It is not ok for the new boyfriend to manufacture that situation or be alone in the bed with the child. It may be too soon, but that's the parent's judgement (or lack of it) to make.

You just know that the school would be concerned if the mother had co shared her bed with a new male partner and her six year old daughter.

And they both told the daughter to keep it a secret!

This from Radio 4 Today programme.

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0390214

It is 'ok' for children to go into their mother's bed to see their mother, which happens to have a new boyfriend in it. It is not ok for the new boyfriend to manufacture that situation or be alone in the bed with the child. It may be too soon, but that's the parent's judgement (or lack of it) to make.

We'll have to agree to disagree here. I get the impression from your previous post that you're using SS rationale, which I consider to be a pathetically low bar.

Its innapropriate and both dad and TA are being massive selfish dicks.

If it was just dads new gf it would bad enough that he was getting them all in bed together but to take the situation in to his child's place of learning is taking the piss.

How confusing is it going to be if they ever split up? Also would I want my child's and my life being gossiped over in the staff room? No. They should be showing this little girl a lot more respect rather than just thinking about them selfs.

I'd be tempted to ask the head if the board of governors felt it was appropriate ...

sounds dodgy to me but it's a very tricky one.. i feel for you op

Sarah Yes I am, and I also consider the guidelines to be a pathetically low bar, having worked with children who were neglected/abused yet still remained with parents while we continued logging concerns with SS.

Just lately I have been through something huge. The only reason the head at my child's school needed to know was because someone else was collecting and taking them to school, and even then the head didn't need to know why.

However, we see things as a joint enterprise and I knew they would be able to support my child should they be upset and the routine went wrong. The head has been incredibly supportive to me, far beyond their remit and in this situation I would have no issue with speaking to them and approaching in an, I am seeking your advice situation. Calm, factual, non personal and 100% coming from concern for the child.

Head teachers aren't just there to support the child between 9-3 and nor are they just there for the child. Ours supports the whole family when needed.

I think even if this got referred to SS, they would probably do no more than have a word with everyone concerned. But someone needs to speak to the Dad and GF, as they are acting in a way I would not want to see in TAs, and speaking inappropriately to a pupil. (That is gossiping about parents and talking about secrets with one.)

OP I really feel for you, I had a similar situation last summer with Ex and new GF sharing a bed with my DS then 4. However, I don't think you can speak to the school on this matter. You need to address your ex and tell him that it is inappropriate behaviour for your DD to share a bed with new GF and completely wrong to teach your daughter to keep secrets from either parent. Perhaps when you speak to your Ex you need to say how would he feel if DS shared a bed with you and your boyfriend..I suspect he will say it is entirely different but might make him stop and think. Good luck

I ask for a meeting with Head and possible go with a written letter in case you get to upset.

Say it's an extremely awkward situation your DH and this TA. Your not looking to make trouble but you have concerns.

-That your DD is being asked to keep secretes by this TA - which is very worrying to you that an adult in a position of trust is encouraging your DD to have secrets and lie to one of her parents.

• That you and your DH are having disagreements about how appropriate it is that your DD is being actively encouraged to come into bed with this TA and her Dad in a very new relationship. That your worried about how she is dealing with everything including this.

• That the home situation is being dragged into school by the other TA - negative comments about you to your DD and being overheard and you feel this is massively inappropriate and unprofessional.

• That your concerned about impact on your DD with whole situation and want the school be aware to keep an eye on and help her.

I've no idea if it's a sackable but a there does seem to be a lack of professionalism. I trust the head to know if the situation needed to be taken further or not and let them get on with that aspect.

I think I'd be trying to focus on getting the emotional support of the school behind my DD. I think I'd have that response to your DH and the TA - that talking to the head wasn't an act of trouble making but of seeking emotional support for your DD if complaints happen from that - well that on them an their behaviour - I'd emphasis to your DD the same that the school needs to know things to help support her and if Dad and other TA have done nothing wrong professionally then they have nothing to worry about.

I get that you can't dictate what the other parent does - but the child has a right to feel happy in their school and a parent has reasonable expectation of school staff behaving like professionals. It's a hard unfortunate situation but the adults here need to manage it better.

This certainly does not feel right at all and I am sorry you are in this situation. Whilst other posters are focussing on the relationship saying that TA's work alongside their own children, nephews, nieces etc is completely different from the situation your dd finds herself in and misses the point somewhat.

I think your ex is to blame here; most importantly for placing your dd in a difficult, adult situation by asking her to keep this from you. What if she was uncomfortable with this situation and felt she had no-one to turn to as his request limits support from home and of course school.

I would have a quiet word with the school, although be prepared to not get the response you expect as reflected in the varied responses here.