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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that actually dsd should know the consequences of her decision?

365 replies

Cloudybutwarm · 22/11/2015 16:41

Yes I'm braving aibu for a step related issue....

Dsd is 10.5.

On Saturday, as in 6 days time, we are due to be flying to Florida, her, me, Dh and our two boys, 4 and 1. This was booked and paid for months ago.

Yesterday we had a text from her mum to say that dsd has decided she doesn't want to come as she doesn't want to be away from her mum for so long. In the run up to the holiday she has said a few times she was going to really miss her mum, but she is spent far more time talking about how much she's looking forward to it. We have an ongoing thing with her not liking to be away from her mum so Dh had a few conversations with her about it before we booked and she was adamant she'd be fine.

We have taken her on holiday before, and yes she missed her mum and there was the odd tear but overall she was fine and loved the holiday.

So now with less than a week to go we are probably £1k down, have a heartbroken 4 year old who idolises his big sister and doesn't understand why she won't be coming any more and of course a completely gutted Dh.

There is obviously no point in insisting that she comes as that would probably end up making for a miserable holiday for everyone.

Her mum said to Dh please don't be angry with her, she's really upset. Dh is torn between being angry and feeling that he shouldn't be angry with her. I personally think that 10 is obviously a tricky age as she's still a child and yet not a young child.... And therefore I do think that while it's not like we need to be cross and shouty she does need to understand what she's done, that it's cost us a lot of money and that both her dad and brother are very upset. I think she is certainly old enough to be made to see there are consequences for makings decisions like this right at the last moment.

So as not to drip feed, it came to light last week that she's been experiencing some low level bullying at school which has obviously been upsetting her, I must admit that I struggle to see that she wouldn't then prefer to go to Disney for two weeks rather than be in school but there we go....

So basically aibu to think that in these circumstances actually it's ok to be a bit angry and to spell out to dsd the consequences of her actions?

OP posts:

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 22/11/2015 19:01

Her mum said in her message that she and dsd agreed that she shouldn't come on holiday with us for a few years until she's sure she can cope with being away.... So I don't think we'll have to worry about this happening again.

What do you think about her mum? This rang.alarm bells with me. Surely its pretty shitty deciding with her daughter that she shouldn't go on holiday with her dad for a few years - that's not going to be good for her relationship with her dad , neither is her inability to stay over with him.

I'd be a bit worried that your DH is going to gradually lose contact with her unless he stages some sort of.an intervention?

Homebird8 · 22/11/2015 19:02

Sounds like the mum's idea. How can a ten year old, with all the maturing to come, decide that she won't be ready for a few years?

Nothing you can do OP. Not the child's sole decision. Certainly don't blame her for it.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/11/2015 19:03

Sorry - cross posted with your updates, OP - so my second paragraph is a bit redundant.

LineyReborn · 22/11/2015 19:03

The OP has said this was her DH's idea without consulting either her or the mum.

Mintyy · 22/11/2015 19:03

Maybe her mother doesn't agree that she should miss a week of school and their conversations about the holiday have been going on with that sticking point.

Your dh sounds irresponsible to me on this issue, just as an aside.

LineyReborn · 22/11/2015 19:04

Two weeks, isn't it?

Mintyy · 22/11/2015 19:04

TWO weeks out of school! What the hell was he thinking of? fgs.

Original poster

Cloudybutwarm · 22/11/2015 19:05

It is a long time liney, but she's been away with us for that long in fact slightly longer before and managed ok!

OP posts:

LineyReborn · 22/11/2015 19:05

Yes just double checked the opening post. Two weeks in Florida.

INickedAName · 22/11/2015 19:06

I've been in dsd shoes kind of.

I didn't want to go on a holiday my Dad had booked (week in Skegness) at the time he asked me if I wanted to go, it was in a room full of extended family and at 10 I didn't have the confidence to hurt my dad's feelings or go against his wishes by saying no, as the time grew closer my anxiety rocketed and I told my mum I really didn't want to she then told my Dad, who then guilted me at how hurt he was, how my step brother will be upset and how stepmum would think I don't like her, and that the holiday had cost a lot of money. I felt like utter shit and agreed to go, my anxiety was awful, some days I'd vomit with nerves which ended up with dad taking me back to caravan, telling me I'd ruined the day now and to stop being selfish.

Not saying you or your dh would do that, but I don't think you should put responsibility for her brother and dhs feelings on to her. My dad doing that set me up to lifetime of not saying no or saying when I didn't like/ something in case I upset them.

I think I'd let her know that you understand, will bring her something back and leave the door open if she changes her mind before you leave, that you will all miss her but promise to send postcard or ring regulary to chat, I think the other kids will still have a great time without her and I understand your dh being gutted and how that will make him down on holiday but he's an adult and capable of dealing with those feelings, transferring them to a child who is already struggling with anxiety about leaving her mum, may make it worse.

It's possible that once you've left she may regret her choice, but if she's smart enough to be ok missing two weeks of school, I think she will be ok understanding that there's nothing to be done if she regrets not coming.

I know how hard it is being a step parent (I can give my own Disney dad stories) and I see the hard time they get on here, and I don't think YABU to feel angry and disappointed, but I do think you will be to tell her.

Hooe you all have a brill time.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 22/11/2015 19:06

I think I'd insist she goes. If my DD said she didn't fancy the holiday I'd booked she'd still be coming with me. The fact her parents are divorced should be irrelevant.

hackmum · 22/11/2015 19:07

It feels sad to me. But I can imagine all too well what it feels like to be that 10 year old girl. I don't think you should be too hard on her.

LineyReborn · 22/11/2015 19:08

Cloudy in term time?

Keeptrudging · 22/11/2015 19:08

Yes, my DCs were never given a choice. I booked the holiday, they went, no argument .

Original poster

Cloudybutwarm · 22/11/2015 19:08

I do agree with the time off school being too much, so no one needs to be trying to change my mind over that!

And if it's anything to do with that then her mum should have put her foot down at the start. And yes I do also agree that Dh was wrong to go ahead and tell dsd about it before it was agreed with her mum.

I don't myself think that it's part of the current issue though.

OP posts:

LineyReborn · 22/11/2015 19:09

INickedAName the guilt's awful, isn't it?

honeyroar · 22/11/2015 19:10

It's a shame that the mother couldn't bring her over for a joint chat about it all to reassure her. If the whole family had sat down together and reassured her that mum would be OK, she'd get to Skype/text regularly and told how much her dad and family wanted her there I bet she'd have come round. It does sound as though this has been badly handled by the mother (the fact that mother sent a text to say it rather than ring says to me that she doesn't handle things the best way. You don't just send a te tab out something as serious as that!) .

If the child is a nervous, worrier type this could have been a good chance for her to learn that facing up to your fears can be a good thing, she could have gained some courage from this situation and gone back to school feeling stronger/more grown up. As things stand she's being taught to run away from even slightly scary situations and hide behind mum. Not helping her develop at all... And no, personally I don't think it would be a bad thing for her to know her dad and sb were upset and would be missing her on the holiday. It doesn't had to be said angrily, just gently pointed out. (Another job that the mother should hav done).

Original poster

Cloudybutwarm · 22/11/2015 19:10

Yes liney in term time. this was when it was less of a big deal to take children out of school though.

OP posts:

LineyReborn · 22/11/2015 19:11

So why are you and the Ex both going along with your DH, if you both aren't happy with it all?

INickedAName · 22/11/2015 19:11

Also,
At 10 some girls become very body conscious as they start to change etc, emotions can be all over, could that be playing a part in her anxiety too?

Mistigri · 22/11/2015 19:11

I think the money is kind of irrelevant, you can obviously afford it and it's a sunk cost. Making a child feel bad about money makes me extremely uncomfortable.

I'd want to understand more about whether there is some underlying anxiety that is making her not want to go. If she's going through a vulnerable period then it's possible that bullying at school + world events have made her feel more anxious about going away.

And perhaps there is some fault on your part too - if you knew that she was homesick on previous shorter holidays then maybe there should have been some more planning and preparation?

Tbh if I was her mother the 2 weeks out of school would have my veto anyway. Maybe that is part of the issue, that the mum is playing on her anxiety because she doesn't feel able to confront your partner about the missed school. If that's the case then frankly none of the adults involved has behaved well, and I feel sorry for your DSD.

stoppingbywoods · 22/11/2015 19:11

I think you should leave it all to her dad. If he's cross, you can't stop him - but you don't need to pile on too. If he isn't annoyed, then it's not your place to be angry. Our kids aren't there to be the recipients of our adult emotions. Everything we do should be designed to help and support them. So if you would like to speak to her because it would relieve your feelings, that's out of order. Though I do think she needs to hear that you're sad she won't be there. Not about the cash.

If it were my child, I would be more concerned about how to support her through this reliance on her mum. She probably has worried a lot about this and punished herself hugely. We wouldn't judge an adult if their mental health problem prevented them fulfilling an obligation - and anxiety is a mental health problem. She's only ten - too young to be able to manage and predict issues relating to anxiety.

If you are angry, you will raise the stakes for the next time she tries to take a step towards independence, because she will know there are consequences if she fails and they won't be pretty. Given that she's clearly dealing with a lot (and it doesn't sound like she has a great temperament to have to deal with the stress involved in living between two households), I think you should cut her a break. She didn't ask to be involved in this situation.

Mintyy · 22/11/2015 19:12

Well if it wasn't her mother's issue and isn't anything to do with dsd not wanting to go, then it really should be!

Is your dh stupid or something?

DebbieFiderer · 22/11/2015 19:12

I can totally see where you are coming from, and I think I know what you mean about not wanting to brush it under the carpet. I think a way to approach it would be along the lines of 'we are sorry you don't want to come, we will all really miss you (all, not just Daddy and DS1), but we understand why and we still love you'. That way you are acknowledging that there are consequences without sounding like you are telling her off.

I also think that there is probably an element of her mother manipulating the situation somewhat (possibly even to the extent of suggesting that she doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to), but also that DH has brought this on himself to a point (suggesting this without discussing it with her mum, especially considering what you said about Christmas last year). Its just a shame that DS1 will miss out on this trip with his sister :(

Mintyy · 22/11/2015 19:13

Exactly, why does the man in this get to call the shots?

He has been an absolute idiot, booking his 10 year old dd out of school for two weeks. What a cock.

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