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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that actually dsd should know the consequences of her decision?

365 replies

Cloudybutwarm · 22/11/2015 16:41

Yes I'm braving aibu for a step related issue....

Dsd is 10.5.

On Saturday, as in 6 days time, we are due to be flying to Florida, her, me, Dh and our two boys, 4 and 1. This was booked and paid for months ago.

Yesterday we had a text from her mum to say that dsd has decided she doesn't want to come as she doesn't want to be away from her mum for so long. In the run up to the holiday she has said a few times she was going to really miss her mum, but she is spent far more time talking about how much she's looking forward to it. We have an ongoing thing with her not liking to be away from her mum so Dh had a few conversations with her about it before we booked and she was adamant she'd be fine.

We have taken her on holiday before, and yes she missed her mum and there was the odd tear but overall she was fine and loved the holiday.

So now with less than a week to go we are probably £1k down, have a heartbroken 4 year old who idolises his big sister and doesn't understand why she won't be coming any more and of course a completely gutted Dh.

There is obviously no point in insisting that she comes as that would probably end up making for a miserable holiday for everyone.

Her mum said to Dh please don't be angry with her, she's really upset. Dh is torn between being angry and feeling that he shouldn't be angry with her. I personally think that 10 is obviously a tricky age as she's still a child and yet not a young child.... And therefore I do think that while it's not like we need to be cross and shouty she does need to understand what she's done, that it's cost us a lot of money and that both her dad and brother are very upset. I think she is certainly old enough to be made to see there are consequences for makings decisions like this right at the last moment.

So as not to drip feed, it came to light last week that she's been experiencing some low level bullying at school which has obviously been upsetting her, I must admit that I struggle to see that she wouldn't then prefer to go to Disney for two weeks rather than be in school but there we go....

So basically aibu to think that in these circumstances actually it's ok to be a bit angry and to spell out to dsd the consequences of her actions?

OP posts:
kali110 · 22/11/2015 18:16

I'd be making her go.
She agreed to go so i'd keep her to it.
It's a lot of money to lose and it is suppose to be a family holiday, not a new family holiday.
I'd say she could ring,text sykpe her mom whilst she was away.
I don't think 10 is too young to learn consequences.
Yes keeping her out of future holidays does sound too harsh, but i wouldn't blame op and her partner of being weary of booking future holidays.

Stimpack · 22/11/2015 18:20

I'd make her go, if not I wouldn't include her in future holidays.

SuperFlyHigh · 22/11/2015 18:24

Can you and her mum meet up and have a nice chat about it? Pizza evening?

I'm not in the camp of making her go, especially with bullying etc. I'd prefer to get issues sorted out now rather than have her potentially upset at some point on the holiday.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 22/11/2015 18:25

ERM Stim, and what do you think, ops DSD, mum would say about that. Ops husband is this little girls daddy as well.
Make her go. How exactly. Drag her on the plane.

ButtonMoon88 · 22/11/2015 18:33

She can't be punished for not wanting to go, but it's very fair to say that you are sad she isn't coming, she will be missed, and perhaps next time she should say something prior to holiday being booked. I agree shouting is pointless but she cannot continue to do this, DH should talk to her though, not you.

SuperFlyHigh · 22/11/2015 18:35

ilive I was going to say that too, re the dragging on the plane....

Some people are quite unkind here when we're talking about a 10 year old!

DeoGratias · 22/11/2015 18:37

She has to go. Just tell her. It is booked. If she was your child she wouldn't be changing her mind. She's 10. It's all arranged. It's too late to back out. She can skype her mother morning noon and night out there and have to make do with that.

abbsismyhero · 22/11/2015 18:39

"ok fine well your welcome to come anyway" end of discussion

KurriKurri · 22/11/2015 18:40

If she was OP's child DeoGratias, she wouldn't be worried about leaving her mother would she ?

Mintyy · 22/11/2015 18:41

I can't get over the taking her away in term time thing. I'm sure it's already been covered, but can someone just point me in the direction of where, and how this family are getting away with it?

abbsismyhero · 22/11/2015 18:41

and never book an expensive holiday for her again go without her yes she is only ten but seriously she is ten years old and can understand some of the consequences mine would be no holiday of a lifetime again camping trips only!

Mintyy · 22/11/2015 18:43

Also, has op clarified what "the consequences" will be?

Sorry, Mumsnetting and cooking at same time!

hampsterdam · 22/11/2015 18:45

Torn on this one. The consequences will be that she misses out on a fantastic holiday. She probably already feels guilty letting her dad down.
We've had similar with dss, not a holiday and he's 8, crying he didn't want to come, dh insisted saying he's 8 and he goes where we are going on our days. Lots of pandering from mum but he was fine when we got there. We didn't want to set a precident of dss dictating at the last minute and cherry picking what he does with us.
If my ds did this to his dad I would reassure him and encourage him very strongly to go.
Your dh needs to see her this week and speak to her, tell her you really want her to come. I really think she will regret not going.
Is the bullying being dealt with?

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 22/11/2015 18:46

I'm not sure that not ever inviting an anxious 10 year old with separation anxiety issues away again is the 'punishment' that some posters seem to think it is. Could end up being a huge relief for her.

I think you all need to sit down together and find a solution that will hopefully help manage her anxiety. Preferably one that doesn't punissh her for it.

Awoof · 22/11/2015 18:51

Could it be related to what's going on in the world at the moment?
At 10 she is surely old enough to see what is happening in the news re IS etc. Perhaps she is frightened to travel and be away from her mum for that reason?

Original poster
Cloudybutwarm · 22/11/2015 18:54

Quite a mixed response then!

My original phrasing probably wasn't the best, by saying she should know the consequences of her actions I more mean that we shouldn't just sit there and say oh it's absolutely fine don't worry about it. So yes, I feel we should be able to remind he that she was asked repeatedly before it was booked, that we had already spent a lot of money on it and that ds and Dh are really disappointed (obviously I am too but it's not the same for me) I don't mean we should guilt trip her in to tears, but equally just that she's old enough that we shouldn't just have to brush it under the carpet as a decision of no consequence.

Her mum said in her message that she and dsd agreed that she shouldn't come on holiday with us for a few years until she's sure she can cope with being away.... So I don't think we'll have to worry about this happening again.

To try and answer some of the questions.

I don't think her mum actively encouraged her not to come, but we do feel that she likes dsd to be dependent on her so may not have been hugely enthusiastic about it. Her mums relationship with her own mum is, in dhs opinion, unnaturally close. They are certainly very family oriented, not necessarily in a healthy way.

I am extra irritated by this because I predicted it from the start. Dsd spent last Christmas with us - entirely at her own request as we don't have a set pattern for this, and spent the whole time being upset at being away from home resulting in Dh having to spend 8 hours driving on Boxing Day to take her home early.

Dsd lives 4 hours away from us so just meeting up etc is not an option.

Relations with her mum are ok, not brilliant but ok.

Relations with dsd are fine, she adores her brothers and her dad, she and I are friends eg we spent the day out shopping for her to get a whole new holiday wardrobe, that kind of think. Dh and her mum were only in a short relationship, they'd broken up before she was even born so she's never known her parents together. She's known me for most of her life.

She knows she is free to speak to her mum anytime, when she's here for the weekend she face times her usually 3-4 times just over the course of a couple of days.

OP posts:
itsmeohlord · 22/11/2015 18:55

Her anxiety needs sorting out. Could you and your DH and the girl and her Mum all meet and try to encourage her to come - all three adults singing from the same hymn sheet.....

Can't see what the "consequences" would be - other than never being included on a family holiday again - which is a tad unrealistic? Yes, I would be cross about losing so much money - is there anyway her ticket can be transferred to anyone else in the family?

Curious to know how you have got 2 weeks off school in term time though?

Funinthesun15 · 22/11/2015 18:56

Are you sure that mum hasn't been telling the dd how much she will miss her, and ramping up the anxiety by constantly asking if she thinks she will be ok?

I kind of agree with this.

It is exactly the type of thing my DH ex did and actually told us she was saying it to them Hmm

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 22/11/2015 18:56

She's not that young

I'd be furious personally but then I don't have much patience with this sort of stuff

ButtonMoon88 · 22/11/2015 18:56

That's an interesting point awoof, however OP said she has done this before so perhaps not entirely the reason in this instance.

She absolutely has to be spoken to though, not shouted at, but this cannot happen time and time again. If she is upset/worried/anxious she has to be told that this isn't how you deal with those feelings, she can talk to you and you will resolve it together

Original poster
Cloudybutwarm · 22/11/2015 18:57

To the posters who've said about taking her out of school - well, plenty of people are still doing that! Dh was quite prepared to pay the fine. Not that it's relevant but I was against and so was her mum, unfortunately Dh decided to tell dsd she could come without speaking to either of us first....

OP posts:
MrsMolesworth · 22/11/2015 19:00

Not rtft bit of she, at ten, is old enough to understand the consequences of her actions, then you, at three times her age, are old enough to understand the consequences of taking on a step child.
Among the complex concerns she will be experiencing is guilt for having fun away from her mum, and for bonding with your family unit when her mum can't. She isn't old enough to articulate this, so it will come out as homesickness for her mum. If you are even half way hacked off with her or bang on about money then you are deeply insensitive to the underlying problems a step child faces. Instead, be very reassuring and encourage her to rethink. Discuss how she can Skype her mum every night and discuss a few presents she can plan to hunt down for her mum. If you are on good terms with her mum, have a three way Skype with her and DSD and discuss it together.

LineyReborn · 22/11/2015 19:01

Well your DH is your problem, then.

And two weeks IS a long time for your DSD to be away from her mum and out of school, tbh.

MrsMolesworth · 22/11/2015 19:01

but if she not bit of she - weird auto correct!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 22/11/2015 19:01

'No more expensive family holidays for her ever' - so punish her for years to come for one immature decision? That seems exceedingly harsh to me.

I do think that the OP's dh needs to have a proper chat with his ex and his dd, to try to find out why she doesn't want to go - and to see if there are any practical steps they can take to reassure her and help her change her mind. But inthinkmit needs to be a chat without anger,many with kindness.

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