To think that actually dsd should know the consequences of her decision?

[Cloudybutwarm]

Yes I'm braving aibu for a step related issue....

Dsd is 10.5.

On Saturday, as in 6 days time, we are due to be flying to Florida, her, me, Dh and our two boys, 4 and 1. This was booked and paid for months ago.

Yesterday we had a text from her mum to say that dsd has decided she doesn't want to come as she doesn't want to be away from her mum for so long. In the run up to the holiday she has said a few times she was going to really miss her mum, but she is spent far more time talking about how much she's looking forward to it. We have an ongoing thing with her not liking to be away from her mum so Dh had a few conversations with her about it before we booked and she was adamant she'd be fine.

We have taken her on holiday before, and yes she missed her mum and there was the odd tear but overall she was fine and loved the holiday.

So now with less than a week to go we are probably £1k down, have a heartbroken 4 year old who idolises his big sister and doesn't understand why she won't be coming any more and of course a completely gutted Dh.

There is obviously no point in insisting that she comes as that would probably end up making for a miserable holiday for everyone.

Her mum said to Dh please don't be angry with her, she's really upset. Dh is torn between being angry and feeling that he shouldn't be angry with her. I personally think that 10 is obviously a tricky age as she's still a child and yet not a young child.... And therefore I do think that while it's not like we need to be cross and shouty she does need to understand what she's done, that it's cost us a lot of money and that both her dad and brother are very upset. I think she is certainly old enough to be made to see there are consequences for makings decisions like this right at the last moment.

So as not to drip feed, it came to light last week that she's been experiencing some low level bullying at school which has obviously been upsetting her, I must admit that I struggle to see that she wouldn't then prefer to go to Disney for two weeks rather than be in school but there we go....

So basically aibu to think that in these circumstances actually it's ok to be a bit angry and to spell out to dsd the consequences of her actions?

Yabu: for booking the holiday in term time, and for being angry about your DH's DC1 not wanting to come.

I agree with the comment that this child didn't ask to be part of a blended situation and it's not her fault she has to choose between her mother and father.

She's 10, not 20! Guilting her with "consequences" would be pretty reprehensible.

I can only speak from my own experiences but this sounds like a 10 year old doing a bit of boundary testing tbh. I am surprised that knowing she has expressed missing her mum before that you didn't meet with her mum and talk through the various "what if" scenarios so you made sure that both of her parents were saying the same thing.

you are where you are though and under these circumstances I would very definitely be sitting down with her and her mum and spelling out the consequences. not only will she be missing a lovely holiday with her siblings where she can speak to her mum every day if she wants. but, more importantly you are unlikely to make such an offer to her again in the future without some serious thought/discussion.

this isn't about the money or shouldn't be. its about her calling the shots.

for those that say ahh don't do this she is just a kid. well bear in mind 10 is the age of criminal responsibility ie. the age when the law decides that you can understand and be responsible for your actions.

she understands very well what she is doing but she has to know that actions have consequences. My DN was in this position at almost exactly the same age. he made one hell of a fuss about going away so they left him at home. then an even bigger fuss that they had gone without him and temper tantrums when his step siblings tried to talk about their fun holiday or show their photos. it ended up in a huge rift even now - he is in his 40's.

I think you don't hide the consequences but you don't "spell them out" either. Let your children talk about the holiday, both how excited they are and how sad they are that their big sister isn't coming. Say you're sad she isn't coming. Don't talk about the money - it's the relationships that are important, not the cash.

Poor kid, bullied at school, trying to please Mum and Dad and Step Mum but feeling a bit insecure to be able to do what is asked of her. Give her a cuddle and some love and let her mature at her own rate.

YABVVVVVVVU.

I think BlueBlue has it right here - this child is being pandered to and personally i don't think it's right in terms of the effort and money that has gone into this trip, especially considering the likelihood that when she gets to this particular destination she's going to forget about it and have oodles of fun. At some point this girl has to be able to be away from her mum for a while and should be able to cope with that, it does her no good just to cave in if she's agreed to go in the 1st place. It's not the childs fault though, if her mum is allowing this to happen then perhaps she is the one that needs to be made aware of any consequences?!

Don't take it out on your DSD, she shouldn't be made to feel bad about this.

She does need to be persuaded to go, however. I think that her mother needs to be bit more firm encouraging.

She's only ten. She's very very young. yabu.

Are you taking her out of school?

Maybe you are abroad or it's holiday time - I don't have small DCs, but if you take a child out of school for that long they lose track of their friends who will move on to someone another playmate and miss school work. Won't matter for 4 and 1 year old.

Yanbu - exasperating for you, and almost certainly not the best option for DSD either, but nowt you can do. Your DCs won't remotely care once they get there.

Can you ask a friend of yours/DCs to come with? Or try and get some money back from the firm.

In the meantime, until this separation thing is fixed, don't spend any money on trips and hols - it will pay off.

How often are you likely to go to Florida. Or her mum.

Is the 'consequence' that she is missing a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. Would that thought concentrate her mind?

Any chance that you can get her and all adults to discuss it together in the same room.

If if we're your dh, encourage him to have a chat with mum, and I would ensure she goes. Mum should really back you up on this one.

How do you get on with her in general?

Do you have a good relationship, are there any issues?

Why can't she chat to her mum on Skype every day and tell her all about the trip?

Has her mum influenced her in any way?

And if she lived with you full time, there is no way she wouldn't be going...

She's probably worried about being out of school for two weeks and how that impact on the bullying and possibilities for being more isolated.

YABU for being angry with her.

I am sure she didnt ask for you to spend 1k on her holiday. You are being ridiculous and yes yabvvu

I am usually very sympathetic to step-parents on MN as they usually get such a roasting but I feel very sorry for your DSD here. I can relate tbh. I was a very anxious child and couldn't bear being away from my mum. I can still remember my parents splitting up and my Dad wanting me to come on holiday with him...I never wanted to go and I missed my mum the whole time I was there. My mum was 'home' for me over and above my Dad, sorry but that's just how it was.

She's only 10. She's not 16. YANBU to feel upset but YABU to feel annoyed. Please try to empathise.

Difficult.

But don't think of it as £1k down. If she comes, you don't get the £1k back, it's gone now whether she comes or not. I can appreciate that is galling but that part is done, nothing can change financially.

Also, I am surprised there don't seem to be any consequences for taking a year 6 child out of school for 2 weeks. Are you sure there is no issue there?

Being bullied at school is also completely horrendous. So definitely cut her some slack.

Yes, if anyone was to encourage her to come, it needs to be her mother - not you or her dad. If her mother is her primary attachment then it's only her that can convince dsd to go. If you want to push harder for her to come, them your husband needs to speak to dsd mother to see if she can persuade her.

Absolutely no point in being mad at a bullied 10yo who wants to sit home with her mum. A 4yo can handle this much better than a 10yo or an adult. As long as you don't make it his issue as well. You should go with - sister not coming, lets choose her a nice toy at disney, and hey here's a choc bar for you now go play trains. Job done. Matter of factly. Not delivering doom news.

I would just not invite her on any more holidays and let the younger children speak about their holiday freely. No need to spell it out, if she ever asks why she doesn't come on holidays with you just explain that since last time you asked her and she said yes then changed her mind you didn't want to put her in that position again of missing her mum so much.

10 is old enough to know what she's missing.

if she ever asks why she doesn't come on holidays with you just explain that since last time you asked her and she said yes then changed her mind you didn't want to put her in that position again of missing her mum so much.

Wow. What a lovely way to treat a child.

We've had countless holidays and trips spoiled like this now because they feel guilty about 'missing mummy'. This often happens at the last minute when mummy's own plans have fallen through.

All you can do, unfortunately, is suck it up. There's nothing to be gained from trying to talk her round/make her feel guilty. It was sorely tempting last time this happened to us to deduct the cost of the holiday from mummy's maintenance, as this might have changed how things were being 'played' at home, but of course we didn't.

It's upsetting, bit you need to focus on making the time you spend with your DSD nice, she is still little. I do think she will regret not going, but it's not like you don't want her to go, and when she's older she'll look back and know that you always wanted her there even if she chose not to go.

Do you think that she (and her mother) have become frightened of travelling after the Paris attacks? There has been such a lot of talk about it and obviously still going on with countries being on high alert etc. a ten year old will be quite capable of following the news and she may just be scared - children at school may have said thing to her. (Only speculation obviously, but there may well be reasons other than 'missing mum' that are affecting her)

I called off on a holiday with another family when I was 13 - much tutting and guilt tripping, but I;d just started my having my periods and was worried about having to cope or leaking onto sheets in a strangers house etc etc. And I was too embarrassed to tell anyone the reason I didn't want to go.

If you are concerned about the money (and I appreciate it is a very big sum) can you ask her mum to give you something towards it?

It is very annoying but, I see absolutely no point in forcing a reluctant child to go on a long trip abroad when she is going to be unhappy.