To think that actually dsd should know the consequences of her decision?

[Cloudybutwarm]

Yes I'm braving aibu for a step related issue....

Dsd is 10.5.

On Saturday, as in 6 days time, we are due to be flying to Florida, her, me, Dh and our two boys, 4 and 1. This was booked and paid for months ago.

Yesterday we had a text from her mum to say that dsd has decided she doesn't want to come as she doesn't want to be away from her mum for so long. In the run up to the holiday she has said a few times she was going to really miss her mum, but she is spent far more time talking about how much she's looking forward to it. We have an ongoing thing with her not liking to be away from her mum so Dh had a few conversations with her about it before we booked and she was adamant she'd be fine.

We have taken her on holiday before, and yes she missed her mum and there was the odd tear but overall she was fine and loved the holiday.

So now with less than a week to go we are probably £1k down, have a heartbroken 4 year old who idolises his big sister and doesn't understand why she won't be coming any more and of course a completely gutted Dh.

There is obviously no point in insisting that she comes as that would probably end up making for a miserable holiday for everyone.

Her mum said to Dh please don't be angry with her, she's really upset. Dh is torn between being angry and feeling that he shouldn't be angry with her. I personally think that 10 is obviously a tricky age as she's still a child and yet not a young child.... And therefore I do think that while it's not like we need to be cross and shouty she does need to understand what she's done, that it's cost us a lot of money and that both her dad and brother are very upset. I think she is certainly old enough to be made to see there are consequences for makings decisions like this right at the last moment.

So as not to drip feed, it came to light last week that she's been experiencing some low level bullying at school which has obviously been upsetting her, I must admit that I struggle to see that she wouldn't then prefer to go to Disney for two weeks rather than be in school but there we go....

So basically aibu to think that in these circumstances actually it's ok to be a bit angry and to spell out to dsd the consequences of her actions?

Poster's on here have said that she will be upset once she realises what she is missing. But will she? Some kids just don't have any insight into thing's so for her ahe might not actually be that bothered about not going

Oh and holding it against her int he future would be very mean- children grow up and change quite quickly at this age, some 19 yr olds are quite immature but buy the time they are 12 they have completely got over any separation fears.

She's ten, she doesn't get to decide how a family holiday progresses.

I'm baffled that people allow children to dictate stuff like this.

Your step daughter is allowed to miss her Mum. It isn't her fault her parents separated, and it isn't her fault her reactions don't fit with your plans.

I wonder and this is a wonder, whether this DSD is worried and anxious about her mum being left, whether her mum will be OK and if she will be there when she gets back etc

I found out in the last year that both my dds worried about me when they went if to their dads, yet I was as happy as Larry and never showed any different - so found there worry surprising...they are both much much older now.

I agree tell her you are disappointed she won't be there because you'd have liked spending time with her, her borther also etc.
Tell her she is more than welcome to come if she decides.

Then go and carry on as normal - including as PP said allowing her brother to tell her about it.

Is there any chance that because of the bullying she's worried that missing 2 weeks of school - perhaps some Xmas events or the choosing/rehearsal of Xmas play/concert is going to isolate her further so she rather stay? 10yo cannot explain the reasons for their emotional reactions but to miss Florida there must be a deep seated reason - most children would chew their right arm off for the trip in stead of school!

Why are people blaming the mother? Saying she should make her go? If the dd is really anxious about being away for two long its up to the father to reassure her, maybe tell her she can skype her mom.
If the dd is really anxious about it then there should be no forcing her to go. That could potentially make it worse.
I agree with oslea that children of blended family's don't choose this, and to spend weeks at a time away from their mother is a lot for a kid to take.
Op I would get your dh to speak to dad again and reassure her. I'm not sure what consequences you want her to face though.
Surely knowing she is missing a great holiday that she obviously wants to go on is enough?

YANBU. I would make her go.
To the poster who said she is not responsible for others being upset: yes, she is. We are all responsible for doing all in our power not to upset those who love us and those whom we love; and 10 is not too young to understand this. Yes, she will miss her mum. Missing loved ones is a universal human experience, everyone needs to learn to handle it. She is not a baby.

The bullying won't help as she'll have to back after two weeks and face increased hostility and jealousy.

This might be more of a reason than you think to be honest.

I don't really understand what you want think the "consequences" should be?

Her brother and her Dad being upset is not her responsibility. She is ten, a child herself, and it's not fair to put that on her. She didn't ask to be part of a family where her parents can't do things together

This x a million,

and all of osela(sp) post.

The most I would do is try and get her to come....with lashings of warmth and kindness and understanding.If she still does not want too, dont be mean to her!!

I've only read the original post, not the thread but the answer seems quite clear
Your husband needs to talk to his daughter and reassure her everything is going to be okay, whatever the outcome
Everything else doesn't matter

In my case, I'm blaming the mother because on all cancelled occasions, the DSCs have been excited/happy/planning what they wanted to do on holiday/looking at pictures on the Internet etc (they're older than the OP'S SD), until they've been talked to by mummy about how she's going to be lonely/do they really think they'll be alright away from home etc etc. This is the same mummy who keeps them off school because she likes having them at home, and has already said she doesn't want then to go away to Uni because she doesn't think they'll cope without her. This may not be what's happening in OP'S case, but it's naive to think it doesn't happen. I used to hate it when my DS went on holiday with his Dad, but I never let him see it, or think it was optional, because it wasn't. Both parents are entitled to quality time with their children and should both be supporting that.

inserts paragraph somewhere in the middle - oops

I agree with the others that have said that you upset with the wrong person, the mother should be backing you up on this, bigging up the holiday and saying that she (the mother) will be ok and she (the dd) should enjoy herself.

However if she doesn't go I wouldn't make a big thing of it, but I wouldn't stop the other children from talking about it and playing with whatever they bring back.

I would also get her a toy (or whatever).

At 10 I would not have wanted to spend 2 weeks playing with a 4 year old.

Perhaps that isn't the issue but my DSis was much younger than I and I did not play with her at all.

Who knows why she doesn't want to go. But I wouldn't have wanted to miss that much school.

I agree with owllady actually your DH should reassure his DD.

Also, could you take her out of school for half a day (sickie or whatever) or a whole day take her shopping for some extra holiday bits and encourage her to talk about her worries...? Or even do a late night shopping trip with a stay over at yours or drop her back to her mums?

Limbos post about kindness and understanding is good.

Also I think not a lot of thought has gone into the thought that she had the "ongoing not liking to be away from her mum" - I think you've thought she'll cope as she did before. I do also think that recent events like the Paris bombings do scare children who are totally confused and scared about it all!

Slightly off topic but do none of the adults involved (you, your DH and the girls mother) think having 2 weeks off school is an utter piss take?

How do we know the mother isn't already doing these things. It seems people are determined to think the mothers at fault when there is nothing in the op to even suggest this.

Totally agree with Owllady and I think that Kurrikurri makes a good point about there being good reason to have a general fear of travelling at the moment.

Although I do generally agree that people, adult people, should be aware if and prepared to deal with the consequences of their actions/decisions. And for however far into the future those actions/decisions continue to have consequences.

For example, adults should be aware of the difficult situations and emotions children face due to divorce and remarriage. The impact of divorce and blending families on children is long term and far reaching, and children tend not to be fully involved in those decisions, but do feel the consequences.

So in this instance, I think it is the duty of the adults who made the decision to divorce/remarry/blend families to face the consequences of their actions. Which could be understanding that this family situation is likely to put a little girl in a lot of awkward situations she does not have the maturity or experience to cope perfectly with and that sometimes she may get overwhelmed by it all.

Realise that cheerfulmarybrown has said the same thing in a nutshell.

If she is being bullied then returning to school after 2 weeks away might make her feel anxious about her reception there.

You make her go.
You reassure her that she can skype her mum every day.
Show her what she is going to. Does she like Harry Potter? The HP at Universal is PHENOMENAL.
I actually can't bear the thought of a 10yo missing out on a trip to Disney.
Just do it with lots of love and reassurance.

Her mother should be doing the same.

I went to Disney for the first this summer. (With a slightly cynical attitude) With XH (booked before the split). The Disney Magic does not let you down.

I have a ten year old. They often say they don't want to do something and then when you are off out of the door on your way they change their mind.

I think it's because it is new scary and out of their comfort zone. There wouldn't be an option in my book. its a shame mum isn't telling her it's just happening.

There will be consequences. Of course if she doesn't go. You will be much more reluctant to take her on holiday next time. You may or may not say anything. And then she will feel resentment for not being included because she won't remember not wanting to go this time.

Her mum should be encouraging her to go, and really, there shouldn't be any choice about it now. She goes, she'll have fun and she can FaceTime her mum and she's with her dad FFS.

I can get why you're peeved but shes only 10 years old.... Of course she'll miss her mum, and at least shes said that now rather than her spending the whole of the holiday upset. I mean what's the point in that. It'd ruin it for you. You're DH and most importantly your dcs. I think she's being sensible in saying. I don't think I'll enjoy myself. I m not going.
Poor little lamb. I hope her mum and her dad has been in to the school about thd bullying.

She is TEN, not old enough to decide what she is and is not going to do.

She is more than safe with you and her father and brother.
She needs to be told that she is going, and she can Skype or call her mum each day before going to bed if she needs to, BUT you asked her. She said she was going and you paid.

She will enjoy herself when she is there.