To think that actually dsd should know the consequences of her decision?

[Cloudybutwarm]

Yes I'm braving aibu for a step related issue....

Dsd is 10.5.

On Saturday, as in 6 days time, we are due to be flying to Florida, her, me, Dh and our two boys, 4 and 1. This was booked and paid for months ago.

Yesterday we had a text from her mum to say that dsd has decided she doesn't want to come as she doesn't want to be away from her mum for so long. In the run up to the holiday she has said a few times she was going to really miss her mum, but she is spent far more time talking about how much she's looking forward to it. We have an ongoing thing with her not liking to be away from her mum so Dh had a few conversations with her about it before we booked and she was adamant she'd be fine.

We have taken her on holiday before, and yes she missed her mum and there was the odd tear but overall she was fine and loved the holiday.

So now with less than a week to go we are probably £1k down, have a heartbroken 4 year old who idolises his big sister and doesn't understand why she won't be coming any more and of course a completely gutted Dh.

There is obviously no point in insisting that she comes as that would probably end up making for a miserable holiday for everyone.

Her mum said to Dh please don't be angry with her, she's really upset. Dh is torn between being angry and feeling that he shouldn't be angry with her. I personally think that 10 is obviously a tricky age as she's still a child and yet not a young child.... And therefore I do think that while it's not like we need to be cross and shouty she does need to understand what she's done, that it's cost us a lot of money and that both her dad and brother are very upset. I think she is certainly old enough to be made to see there are consequences for makings decisions like this right at the last moment.

So as not to drip feed, it came to light last week that she's been experiencing some low level bullying at school which has obviously been upsetting her, I must admit that I struggle to see that she wouldn't then prefer to go to Disney for two weeks rather than be in school but there we go....

So basically aibu to think that in these circumstances actually it's ok to be a bit angry and to spell out to dsd the consequences of her actions?

So you and the child's mother thought taking her out of school was a bad idea but your DH ignored your wishes (and those of the school) and told his DD she could come - since he was unable to control himself on this point, sure you sure he didn't big it up to her so much and put emotional pressure on her ('it'll be amazing, we can do loads of thing together') that she felt she had to agree even though she might have had a few doubts?

I think your DH sounds like the immature irresponsible one here, don't let a 10yr old take the blame for his impulsiveness. Being prepared to pay the fine shows very little concern for his DD's school life - a majorly important part of life for a 1Oyr old - she's struggling with bullying and anxiety, but he thought that what he wanted to do was more important. It all sounds a bit ill thought out and he sounds a bit selfish.

I agree with Debbiefiderer

I think that this sounds like a mess.

I can't help thinking that her mum has the most power to persuade her to go, and that her own reluctance to insist is partly because she was ambivalent in the first place - about taking her out of school, and about missing her daughter. If it were my DD, I would be more (supportively) insistent. But maybe not if it had been booked during school time!

I think that the daughter will 'suffer the consequences' of realising what she missed, but it would be really unfair on her to apply any more pressure. She's in a fragile state.

I understand you're frustrated but my sympathy is with the ten year old girl. I definitely don't think it's appropriate to heap more guilt on her. Of course she knows her dad will be disappointed. Of course she knows you've paid for her. She obviously feels sufficiently stressed to pull out. Please don't make this worse for her, it sounds bad enough already. Your DH being cross will do nothing but drive a wedge between them. What other outcome could it possibly have?

I think it is very U to blame the dsd mum. There is nothing in the OPs posts to suggest that the mum has done anything 'wrong'. As for asking the mum for some money towards the trip, I would laugh my arse off if I was her and the OP tried to pull that stunt. Not her circus, not her monkeys...

She is under no obligation to talk her dd into going. As her mum she is listening to her child and is respecting her decision. There is no evidence to suggest she hasn't talked it all through with her.

As for dsd, I feel sorry for her. She is in the position of having to either miss her mum or piss off her dad. Poor kid shouldn't be in that position. All the adults should be doing their best to alleviate the stress this child is clearly under. Tell her you will miss her, that you love her, that whatever she decides is okay and bring her back a lovely present.

I agree about your DH. Thoughtless.

'As for dsd, I feel sorry for her. She is in the position of having to either miss her mum or piss off her dad. Poor kid shouldn't be in that position. All the adults should be doing their best to alleviate the stress this child is clearly under. Tell her you will miss her, that you love her, that whatever she decides is okay and bring her back a lovely present'

Totally agree LetGo

The poor sausage, she's only 10! She's no doubt felt she should say yes to this and put her anxiety aside and now (perhaps understandably in the current climate) it's too much. I'm really sorry for her. It is hard for DH and the little ones too, but her feelings do matter. She's been brave enough to say what she really wants, and I'd listen. Of course she's close to her mum – she's been through a separation.

I absolutely would not "make her go" – I hate that attitude of "You WILL have fun" and if she's quite sensitive she'll be miserable. And I wouldn't punish her by not inviting her on future holidays either. I'd organise lower-key, less big-ticket, perhaps British holidays for a year or two so she can feel more secure.

I suspect a lot going on she can't articulate.

If she is feeling unsettled at school missing out on xmas activities or fear of missing out will make things worse. She will come back and all the xmas play parts will have been dished out, everyone will know the carols etc.

10 days unauthorised absence in SATS year is a lot. My year 5 DD told me secondary schools use SATS to set you out of the blue the other day (I know many don't but her friends are obviously talking about it at school and she isn't even year 6!)

Is the school fines thing playing on her mind - she may be thinking her mum and dad will go to prison. There has been so much on the news and in the press she will be aware you can't just take time off school.

I love Florida and this time of year is magical, went twice early December when DD was preschool age. But there is no way I'd take my 9 year old now. 2 weeks is a heck of a time to miss. A day or two tagged onto October half term is a different kettle of fish.

My son was like this at the same age. His dad organised a lot of holidays for him and his siblings and he started wanting to pull out. Sometimes at the last minute.

He was scared his dad would die on him. He had cancer and it took us a while to find the root cause of his anxiety. Ex DH explained why he didn't need to worry about that, and told him that if he didn't go or he kept saying he didn't want to go he would not pay for him to go away anymore until he felt he was ready. It did the trick actually.

I would get her dad to talk to her to try to get to the bottom of why she doesn't want to go. If there is a genuine reason then fair enough. Otherwise I would not be happy and wouldn't be given her much choice. If I book a holiday for my children they have to go, no choice to be had.

I can see both points of view though and it is a tricky situation.

I also think you need to do your best to try and stay as positive as possible and to try and avoid this spoiling the whole trip. The risk is that Dh spends the whole trip sulking, DS1 picks up on it and spends the whole trip missing her, and you spend the whole time trying to jolly things along.

I agree with Letsgo too.

If I were the mum I'd have vetoed it outright on the grounds of 10 days missed school - and you wouldn't be needing to blame a child.

I feel so sad for this girl OP. She probably feels dreadful, guilty and full of regret and worry.

I honestly do completely understand your totally reasonable frustration and annoyance though, how disappointing for you and your DH and DC's.

But it's her situation that saddens me the most.

She has the wonderful opportunity of a lovely holiday that surely anyone reasonable and grateful would love to go on... but for reasons that have become more serious in her life- the bullying is leaping out at me mainly- she feels that she can't go.

(And 'low level' bullying in my experience is often a bit like 'death from a thousand cuts'- soul destroying, confidence sapping, wearing and miserable- yet not seen as serious- it's only 'low level' after all... not saying that you are not seeing it as serious, but I think it's often wrongly dismissed as not serious).

Also, being part of a blended family is hard. You must know this, you seem a sensitive and caring step mum, who obviously loves her DSD. Yet it's still hard. She's still the incomer, coming into the little unit. She still has to leave her DM at home.

Two weeks is such a long time to be away from school, and I remember acutely that at that age, being away for even a day could have a big impact on power in friendship groups and between bullies and their victims. She'll get back from holiday, then be almost immediately on Christmas holiday. It's a big, big thing. She'll be away from her scary, important, essential, permanent school situation fro a significant period. I am wondering if the significance of this just hadn't really sunk in properly when the holiday was planned and booked?

I feel so sorry for you all though, all you all want is to be happy. The sad, sad thing is, I'm SURE that that's what she wants too. For you to ALL be happy. And she now knows that she's ruining it all for the family. The guilt is probably there.

Should you make her go? I don't know. To be honest, and I'm sorry (honestly) that this isn't what you want to hear, but I'd be only inclined to make her go- if it was in a school holiday.

But it's not. I really feel for the little girl (I'm projecting massively, but this feels quite like me and situations I was in as a child, trying to fit in between blended families, having a miserable time at school, being bullied, not fitting in there either, where 3 weeks visiting my dad meant I'd lose (a) friend/s.) who probably just wants it to all go away.

Good luck. Have a good holiday.

I'd insist that she goes. Pandering to a 10 year old like this is ridiculous, IMO. She was given the choice. Her mum needs to back you up on this, and arrange for them to Skype/FaceTime every day. It'll be a great trip, and it would be such a shame to let her miss it over feeling a bit apprehensive.

Did you have a thread about this in the planning stages ie about taking DSD out of school and DH telling her about the trip? It all sounds familiar. If that thread was your's too then I can understand why you're angry that it's all fallen apart at the last minute. But I think your DH and his ex are at fault.

He rode roughshod over everyone in the planning stages and now his ex is wrestling back control at the last minute. I think this cancellation has little to do with DSD's feelings and everything to do with the dynamic between her mum and dad, and how they both try to manipulate her.

In which case, I would be telling DSD that you will miss her, that you're sorry she feels she can't come, tell her she can still change her mind up until whatever day and plan a nice day with her for when you get back.

Lmao at all the posters saying her mum needs to do this, that and the other.

OPs dh agreed this holiday without discussing it with either the mum or his wife. His ex wife owes him the same level of input as he gave her.

I'm really amazed at all the who is being u and who is being non-u on this thread when discussing a parent taking a 10 year old out of school for two weeks during term time.

That is the real issue here.

Two weeks away,, very far away, missing school and fun times at christmas at school in her final year, mission her mum, kind of not surprised she's changed her mind. I agree a friendly meal out to discuss it might help but otherwise just accept it.

aplace yes I did! That was primarily about dsd and her mum wanting us to change the dates of the holiday so it didn't fall over her mums birthday, but also covered how Dh just went ahead with this without speaking to me or her mum first - in fact we'd already had a discussion about how she wouldn't be able to come because it was in term time, then he announced he had told her about it and was trying to persuade her mum to let her come

And yes I predicted this outcome from the start, it's been a funny old year with dsd, she's definitely starting the turn into teenage years and is very much preferring to be with her mum at the moment.

Letgoorbedragged I was one of the posters that posted about the mother. That was before the update and I didn't realise that the father had booked th holiday without consent of his wife or his ex re taking the child out of school. It sounds as if BOTH the child's parents are a bit hopeless. The father should have asked/discussed with the ex, th X should have put her foot down and said no at the time. The child sounds caught in the crossfire.

So if the DSD said she didn't want to go back to her Mum's because she missed her Dad too much, he should just keep her because he's 'listening to her feelings'? At times my DSDs say they would like to stay longer (particularly in the holidays), but we have to take them back home because their Mum insists. It seems to be a very one - sided thing, this 'listening to their wishes'. Nobody ever considers the hurt it causes my DH when the holiday he has planned for months/taken time off for/been excited about is cancelled the day before due to totally spurious reasons. He's a big boy, he can deal with it, but his DDs never know that their actions have hurt him. If my children did that I would be telling them loud and clear that I was upset, but it's far more delicate when parents are separated.

Like I said ^^ your DH is the issue here. He's tried to manipulate you, his Ex, and your DSD. And it hasn't worked.

I don't think the ten year-old girl needs to be made to feel any more crap than she undoubtedly already does.

Cloudy yanu to feel pissed off, but you should feel pissed off with ypur husband, not your dsd or her mum. It must be galling to have predicted this and your h not listen and now you have lost the money etc. But this is all your husband's doing. Only a total muppet would tell dd she can miss 2 weeks of school and not clear it with the resident parent first.

Well it isn't just the fine for missing school. She is in Year 6. She will miss the Christmas production and any other christmas activities as she won't be there for any rehearsals. Year 6 will be well aware that they shouldn't be taking term time holidays. She will also miss end of term assessments.

Taking a Year 6 out of school isn't the same as taking a younger child.

She was anxious at Christmas last year. Sounds like enough consideration wasn't given when booking the whole thing.

I can't help thinking that her mum has the most power to persuade her to go

I have a DD who has just turned 11 and suffers with anxiety over being away from home - she can manage a night with either set of GPs (although the last couple of times have been tricky) and her BFF, but otherwise is a nightmare.

DH and I have convinced her to sign up for a 2 night residential next year with school and having agreed she is already getting worked up and saying she doesn't want to go any more.

I cannot imagine for the life of me being able to convince her if she does dig her heels in nearer the time, or being happy to do so if it means her going under sufferance and being upset.

OP I understand that this must be immensely frustrating for you, but tbh you were well aware that she is generally anxious about being away from home/mum, so booking such a long holiday so far away was pretty unwise in the first place and I think it would be really unfair of you to take that frustration out on your DSD. She must be feeling really awful if she's worried enough to turn down a fortnight in Disneyland!

I do agree with others though that it would be good if some measures could be put in place to help her deal with her anxiety before it escalates and stops her doing more things.

I'm not surprised she wants to be with her mum more at the moment op, her dad doesn't seem to be very considerate of her feelings and wishes. Don't be helping him into bullying her round to do what he wants.