To think that actually dsd should know the consequences of her decision?

[Cloudybutwarm]

Yes I'm braving aibu for a step related issue....

Dsd is 10.5.

On Saturday, as in 6 days time, we are due to be flying to Florida, her, me, Dh and our two boys, 4 and 1. This was booked and paid for months ago.

Yesterday we had a text from her mum to say that dsd has decided she doesn't want to come as she doesn't want to be away from her mum for so long. In the run up to the holiday she has said a few times she was going to really miss her mum, but she is spent far more time talking about how much she's looking forward to it. We have an ongoing thing with her not liking to be away from her mum so Dh had a few conversations with her about it before we booked and she was adamant she'd be fine.

We have taken her on holiday before, and yes she missed her mum and there was the odd tear but overall she was fine and loved the holiday.

So now with less than a week to go we are probably £1k down, have a heartbroken 4 year old who idolises his big sister and doesn't understand why she won't be coming any more and of course a completely gutted Dh.

There is obviously no point in insisting that she comes as that would probably end up making for a miserable holiday for everyone.

Her mum said to Dh please don't be angry with her, she's really upset. Dh is torn between being angry and feeling that he shouldn't be angry with her. I personally think that 10 is obviously a tricky age as she's still a child and yet not a young child.... And therefore I do think that while it's not like we need to be cross and shouty she does need to understand what she's done, that it's cost us a lot of money and that both her dad and brother are very upset. I think she is certainly old enough to be made to see there are consequences for makings decisions like this right at the last moment.

So as not to drip feed, it came to light last week that she's been experiencing some low level bullying at school which has obviously been upsetting her, I must admit that I struggle to see that she wouldn't then prefer to go to Disney for two weeks rather than be in school but there we go....

So basically aibu to think that in these circumstances actually it's ok to be a bit angry and to spell out to dsd the consequences of her actions?

goblin dsd has been to Disney before with us, she loved it. I'm not going to get into defending Disney as a destination - each to their own.

She spent a week with us over the summer and was crying at the end that she didn't want to go home. But she is very very close to her mother.

I think Dh is also annoyed that it seems like a backwards step. When she was 7 we took her to Disney and were away for 2.5 weeks and she copedwith that, in fact she talks about it all the time! Dh also took her away for a week last year just the two of them and that was also fine.

This seems signifiant to me - there seem to be periods when she is happy to be away, interspersed with periods when it is too upsetting to contemplate.

She holidayed with her Dad last year without a problem, yet at Xmas she struggled to be away from Mum. She spent a week with you in the summer no problem, but at the last minute has changed her mind about a holiday.

It could be indicative of all sorts of things - some serious, some minor (my DD suddenly refused to spend the night with her Dad because her duvet at his house was too thick and hot).
What is clear is that if the parents are not cooperating, it is unlikely to be resolved.

It does sound a bit typical of NRPs - they're not around for the small stuff but think they can suddenly whisk the kid off for 2 weeks in Disneyland and it'll all be magical and amazing. It doesn't work like that.

Insulting much?

DH is an NRP and doesn't get to be around for the small stuff because his ex kicked him out in favour of OM, and won't let him have a say on it now. It is actually a regular struggle- several times if he's needed to contact the school, gp, whatever about the "small stuff" ex won't discuss they won't talk to him. I've had to write several letters pointing out that he's an equal parent, and if they won't talk to him without ex present, they can't talk to ex without him present.

Hell she won't even tell him the long-term medication his son is on because "he doesn't need to know".

It's this sort of attitude that sidelines NRP's as somehow "less" than an RP. DH is patronised at every turn, isn't is nice he gets the fun of weekends, none of the day to day stuff..

SD might be coming to live with us (her choice) and oh look, suddenly it's all about how awful it will be for her mum, why should she have to contribute financially when she hasn't got her child living with her, she'll only see her EOW...yep, not much fun being an NRP.

It is certainly hard to keep up with pretty!

Micah, absolutely! Won't let him do anything related to school like shows/sports days/parents nights because that's 'her territory'. Tells him after the fact about Dr/medical issues/hospital visits even though he would gladly take them etc. This way she can continue to make him out to be the slack dad while she is the (martyr) single parent. There was no OW/abuse, he's not a bad dad, she just treats him like he's irrelevant.

This way she can continue to make him out to be the slack dad while she is the (martyr) single parent. There was no OW/abuse, he's not a bad dad, she just treats him like he's irrelevant.

I'm not necessarily sure that the two go hand in hand (the martyrdom and irrelevance) - I used to think so, but as time has gone on, I'm becoming more convinced that in many cases where the Dad is sidelined in the DC's lives by the Mum after a family separation, it is not malicious, but simply a case of not really knowing any different.

To be honest, it's not even necessarily a problem exclusive to separated families - there are frequent posts elsewhere on MN from new mums, who don't trust their DH to care for the new baby as well as she can, or posts from mums with two or three young DC's who've never had "a night off" but when it is suggested that they go out and leave their DH to it with the DC's, they refuse to on the grounds that it "wouldn't be fair on the DC's as he'd muck it up". How many posts refer to Dads "babysitting" their own DC's while Mum is out?

The reality is that very few parents of either sex would actually neglect their DC's, but it is clear that a lot of Mums still hold onto the belief (as does society as a whole, tbh) that they are somehow better equiped to deal with the day to day care of DC's. Not really a surprise then that there is such conflict after a separation - if both parents feel the same way about roles, then great, everyone is happy - but if Dad thinks hes the fun-dad and Mum wants to share care, or Dad wants shared care, but Mum doesn't think Dads are up to the job, then it's bound to end up in disagreement.

you want to make sure you get your bollocking in on a child who has no control over the situation.

Where are you reading that senpai, is it on a different thread? Nowhere on this one has the OP said that she want to, or is planning to "get a bollocking in". What gives you the idea that she is?

As I read it, the OP wanted to canvass opinion on how much to share with her DSD in terms of the lost money, disappointment, and future consequences of her DSD choice - and as the replies have indicated, there is a wide range of opinions. Your view is not necessarily the only "correct" approach.

Calling "bullshit" and then projecting your own interpretation of feelings onto the OP is not helpful or supportive.

It's not mutually exclusive senpai. I knew she wanted to go and I also had a bad feeling she'd end up changing her mind. Doesn't mean she never wanted to go, just that I foresaw it might change. Obviously I hoped I was wrong.

Some parent I am? I'm not her parent. As Someone said up thread that if I'd sat there and insisted she shouldn't come I would have been in big trouble also. So I couldn't win really either.

Thank you pretty

senpai I am 100% sure that nowhere have I said or implied she should get a bollocking. prettys interpretation is exactly what I was asking.

You're doing a great job of step-parenting by the sound of it. AIBU is a really horrible place for step-parents to be - you get punished for all the hurt and resentment that so many posters have suffered at the hands of separated/ divorced parents and step-parents, and so much of the anger is projection.
Knowing that there might be problems at the start is not at all the same as knowing that the girl was going to change her mind - it was simply recognising problems with school absence etc. Nowhere does the OP say that she's going to 'bollock' the girl. I'd be really upset with this situation too. I'm a SM - my stepdaughter is adored by my boys, and if she pulled out of a family holiday everyone would really mind - precisely because she's such an important part of our family unit. Sounds as if you're getting it absolutely right with your DSD, OP, so well done!

OP, I think many of us have had parenting and step-parenting moments when we thought "I know how this one is going to end" but have been condemned to watch it unfold in slow motion. Don't beat yourself up over it .

I think you are getting some very unfair comments on here about you as the SM cloudy.

I have a friend in a situation like you - her DH has a child from previous relationship but wasn't with mum long term and they split before she was born. He didn't know she was pg and she has since admitted she did it purposefully for CH.
Long story short her DSD went through a similar period and was pretty vile to her dad too. They came through it now she is old enough to fully understand the dynamics of her parents relationship with each other and how that never had anything to do with how they felt about her. It took my friend DH keeping the lines of communication open and having boundaries (his DD went through a stage of pushing him to show her love through providing expensive material items).

My point is that your DSD will gain more maturity and understanding and it's likely as long as you and DH support her and remain in contact with her she'll realise herself how much you do care.

I have a 10.5 yr old girl who is quite outgoing and self sufficient.Althouigh she would be very excited at the idea of going to Florida for a fortnight, when it came to the crunch I don't think she would want to be without me for that long.Young kids don't really know their own minds well enough to be able to predict how they will feel about something when the time comes.
It is just an unfortunate situation really.Nobody is to blame

Her mum will not do any driving - so meeting half way isn't an option. It's an 8 hour round trip or nothing.

This isn't ideal. The mum stirs to get DSD in a state, wanting to come home, but then expects DH to do all the driving. She's treating you like mugs.
I hope there isn't a next time, but if there is then dig your heels in a bit (find some spurious reason why DH/the car isn't available for 24 hours) and let DSD see if her mum will inconvenience herself for her daughter or not. That might tell her a truth.