To think that actually dsd should know the consequences of her decision?

[Cloudybutwarm]

Yes I'm braving aibu for a step related issue....

Dsd is 10.5.

On Saturday, as in 6 days time, we are due to be flying to Florida, her, me, Dh and our two boys, 4 and 1. This was booked and paid for months ago.

Yesterday we had a text from her mum to say that dsd has decided she doesn't want to come as she doesn't want to be away from her mum for so long. In the run up to the holiday she has said a few times she was going to really miss her mum, but she is spent far more time talking about how much she's looking forward to it. We have an ongoing thing with her not liking to be away from her mum so Dh had a few conversations with her about it before we booked and she was adamant she'd be fine.

We have taken her on holiday before, and yes she missed her mum and there was the odd tear but overall she was fine and loved the holiday.

So now with less than a week to go we are probably £1k down, have a heartbroken 4 year old who idolises his big sister and doesn't understand why she won't be coming any more and of course a completely gutted Dh.

There is obviously no point in insisting that she comes as that would probably end up making for a miserable holiday for everyone.

Her mum said to Dh please don't be angry with her, she's really upset. Dh is torn between being angry and feeling that he shouldn't be angry with her. I personally think that 10 is obviously a tricky age as she's still a child and yet not a young child.... And therefore I do think that while it's not like we need to be cross and shouty she does need to understand what she's done, that it's cost us a lot of money and that both her dad and brother are very upset. I think she is certainly old enough to be made to see there are consequences for makings decisions like this right at the last moment.

So as not to drip feed, it came to light last week that she's been experiencing some low level bullying at school which has obviously been upsetting her, I must admit that I struggle to see that she wouldn't then prefer to go to Disney for two weeks rather than be in school but there we go....

So basically aibu to think that in these circumstances actually it's ok to be a bit angry and to spell out to dsd the consequences of her actions?

Having a 10year old say she would be "no good without my family" isn't ok, and despite being apart of a blended family that strikes me as a very odd thing to say!! Whether she has heard mom say something similar about her and she has it mixed up, who knows, but as I have said, and as other pps have said, DD, dad, and mom all need to get together to find the source of these feelings and get passed them, not just for the sake of disneyland, but for her general well being!!

cloudybutwarm - having a 10.5 year old say she would be no good without her family is definitely not her words. kids this age just quite simply don't say this. this has come from her mum or from someone else telling her she would be no good on her own. that is really, really worrying.

I hope by the way that if she doesn't come you take back the holiday clothes. actions have consequences. this should be one of them.

button interestingly her mum went away to university but left after 6m because she didn't want to be away from her own mum. There is a definite pattern.

mummy unfortunately we did the clothes shopping back in July otherwise I'd definitely be taking them back!

cloudybutwarm I would still be asking for them back (but then I am obviously a mean, nasty and unsympathetic person!!)

if you went shopping for them in July then she has had the best part of half a year to decide about this holiday.

sadly I think you are only too right about the pattern of behaviour. this really gets my goat when parents do this and I think most times if you hear the child speak you know its not what they want but what they are being told that they want.

I would really be tackling her mum head on about this now if I was your DH. if he doesn't then this girl is going to be tied to her mother in a very unhealthy way when she gets older and it is either going to limit her life chances and experiences or she is going to have one hell of a massive rebellion about it. either way it is going to impact on your DH and ultimately on you. get the adults round the table without the child and get this whole thing discussed.

I don't think it's right to make DSD aware of the consequences, no.

However, I don't think after the point of booking she really gets the choice about whether or not she goes. Yours and your partner's DC don't get that choice. Her DM is pandering to her and it'll do her no favours.

Agree that a lot of posters here need to stop for a minute and understand the distinction between clinical anxiety and normal childhood anxiety that it's a parent's job to help the child overcome.

Keeptrudging said: If a child is 'not a possession', how come it's generally the mum who manages to 'keep' the child from having a proper holiday with the Dad/controls these things. That is equally treating the child like a possession!

Pardon - IF?! If a child is not a possession? You disagree then? You thing you made that kid and so you are entitled to 50% of it? That's not actually how it works and your ex was not 'entitled' to make lovely memories with your son. We are not entitled to anything when it comes to other human beings. I absolutely loathe that attitude when people split up.

There is no proof that the mum has manipulated her or kept her from this holiday - in fact she has said yes to her going despite (entirely reasonably) not liking the idea of her daughter being taken out of school.

The real problems here are:

1. The dad went against the wishes of her mother and his partner and manipulated his child and now it's all come back to hit him in the arse (as the OP predicted it would all along) and everyone around him is hurt. He needs to examine why he behaved with so much arrogance and was so inconsiderate.

2. The daughter doesn't feel safe with her dad and his family. Not even for two weeks in Disneyland at Christmas time. That's either a big anxiety issue or it's a reflection on her relationship with her dad. Or a bit of both.

It does sound a bit typical of NRPs - they're not around for the small stuff but think they can suddenly whisk the kid off for 2 weeks in Disneyland and it'll all be magical and amazing. It doesn't work like that.

The term-time holiday IS the most relevant thing about this whole story.

To you mintyy, to you - the rest of us know that 2 weeks is neither here nor there. Most of us come from the generation that used to go on holiday during school & know it made no difference to the educational outcome. Especially in junior school.

WRT the kid, I'm sure that once she sees the magical photos, FB updates and listen to the happy stories she'll regret not going.

Those are the consequences she'll remember for a while!! Enjoy your holiday OP and don't get guilt-tripped by anyone....

It does sound a bit typical of NRPs - they're not around for the small stuff but think they can suddenly whisk the kid off for 2 weeks in Disneyland and it'll all be magical and amazing. It doesn't work like that.

Ooooh, bitter & twisted much?? 😜

When you are being bullied at school you can perversely want to go in everyday in the hope the bullying will have stopped. But you can also be really scared to go back after the holidays in case it gets worse because whilst you've been away the bullies have decided to up things to a whole new level.

Id be terrified if I was her.

mummy we kept all the new clothes here anyway so she doesn't actually have them. We booked the holiday in May so yes she's had a long time to think about it. Sadly I don't think Dh sees there being any point to confronting his ex about this. He thinks it's the was she herself was bought up and is just part of her. I doubt she realises there a problem.

flipper just on your 2nd point I honestly don't think it's that she doesn't feel safe with us or happy with her dad. She spent a week with us over the summer and was crying at the end that she didn't want to go home. But she is very very close to her mother.

I think Dh is also annoyed that it seems like a backwards step. When she was 7 we took her to Disney and were away for 2.5 weeks and she copedwith that, in fact she talks about it all the time! Dh also took her away for a week last year just the two of them and that was also fine.

Cloudy, do you know for sure the Florida trip hasnt been the cause of jealousy amongst the other girls and she just cant cope with going because of what the bullying might become once she's back?

I certainly don't think a child is a possession (I was quoting a PP), but I do think the mum in this is treating her like one. I do stand by what i said about the Dad being entitled to the chance to have a chance to make nice memories/have longer with her than he's getting.

There is plenty proof of mother's emotional manipulation if you read the thread.

In our case, my DH pays a (very high) level of maintenance which allows their mother to not work and to take the DSDs on multiple family holidays a year, including abroad. This means she always gets to be fabby mummy who gives them all these treats/special holidays, whilst guilting them into not doing the same with their Dad. I think she doesn't want them to have special experiences without her.

The DSDs say exactly the same thing about Uni. They're already being persuaded that they'd be much better going locally, and that they would get homesick/how much mum would muss them. But of course, the mum isn't treating them like possessions . If you want children to grow up confident and happy, you enable them to be brave enough to go out of their comfort zone, you don't disable them by making new experiences seem too scary or encouraging them to be 'anxious'.

Poor kid.

Bullied by her classmates and now probably trying desperately to support a seemingly needy mother and this annoying her dad, step mum and siblings.

What a hell of a responsibility for 10.

If you lost a grand then more fool you for spending that much on a ten year olds bed/board.

She shouldn't be missing school for 2 weeks anyway and you should all as adults be tackling the real issue here (for her) as in bullying at school and not whinging about a bloody holiday.

I don't think so sansoora, her best friend goes to Florida nearly every year, and one of her other best friends is utterly loaded (I've been given a FaceTime tour of her mansion!)

It seems to be just one girl who is picking on her, her core friendships have remained the same.

Lostcat obviously the bullying is being dealt with.

Thanks Cloudy

Lostct2 - the real issue here is not about the missing 2 weeks of school. it is about a mother seemingly manipulating her daughter as the OP has said over and again in numerous threads. she doesn't want her daughter to grow up and go away. she wants her to stay at home with mummy.

the bullying issue just comes across as a smokescreen. kids often become anxious because parents project their own anxieties on to them.

the mother went away to uni for 6 months and then gave up because she missed her mum. this is what the mother wants her daughter to do. it makes her feel valued and to have some purpose in life, that's why she is doing it.

all of this is down to the parents I am afraid, not the OP. the dad shouldn't have booked first and asked later and the mum should be enabling her child to be independent not disabling her.

its going to take a lot of courage for this child to stand up to her mother - and it will have to happen sooner or later - so personally I think the dad should be sitting down with the mum and saying that some of the things he is hearing just aren't acceptable.

anyone that thinks that anxious mums cant brainwash their daughters is bonkers imo.

whether your DH wants to do it or not OP he really owes it to his daughter to tackle this head on with the mum right now.

Op, wish I could offer some ideas on how to carve a relationship between DH and DSD when you have this 8 hour round trip every time you see each other.

Could you holiday somewhere nearby where she lives next year so that she doesn't feel like she is in unfamiliar surroundings? Maybe she could take you to some of her favourite local places? It must be hard to always be the one in unfamiliar surroundings miles from home. Maybe it would help to sometimes go stay near where she lives so she doesn't always feel like the one miles from home. Appreciate Disney would have been 'neutral territory' but it's a long way from home and her day to day family! As we all know, children do love familiarity and routine. Every trip to see you is the exact opposite of that, through no fault of your own, so I guess I'm just saying she has to learn to be secure with you all before the next holiday suggestion.

I don't feel that she isn't secure with us theoddity, she was ok on holiday with us before. But the suggestion of going up there sometimes is a good one and in fact something Dh and I have been talking about, to reduce the driving if nothing else!

mummy I totally agree.

To whoever said (can't recall now) I was being OOO about OP being evil stepmom well I don't think that as such but I think from the opening title of the post and then her last para which seemed to say that she the DSM would be upset not the DF. Personally I think it's for DF to say not DSM.

Also OPs tone has been a bit strict all the way through the post asking her about uni - bit early for that talk unless DSD herself knows she wants to go and that is also 7-8 years away!!! I wouldn't have been able to take in uni talk as a 10 year old.

Maybe 10 year olds are more used to talking about uni etc generally but the ones I know of that age and above don't really know about concept of money in huge detail, are also quite clingy or confident by turns in many ways and take bullying to heart etc.

None of this really seems to have been taken on board by OP who seems to have her 'adult' hat on. But that's my take on it.

I was very anti doing it for dsd because I know her mum doesn't approve and I did feel that Dh just went ahead regardless.

Well, then you can't blame her or get upset with her for not wanting to go. You know her biological parents both put her in a no win situation, where she'd end up disappointing one of them.

The adult thing to do now that you recognize the problem would be to let it go, and not participate in pulling your poor DSD in separate directions like her parents have been doing.

You could have been against it, but that means nothing if you're standing united behind DH while he lectures her about money and selfishly skipping out while ignore the two selfish fully grown adults.

You know it's not fair to put this on her, so don't. It's really that simple.

I feel so sorry for the DSD.

None of the adults here appear to be behaving particularly well.

I think Flipperdippers post summarised it well:
^The real problems here are:

1. The dad went against the wishes of her mother and his partner and manipulated his child and now it's all come back to hit him in the arse (as the OP predicted it would all along) and everyone around him is hurt. He needs to examine why he behaved with so much arrogance and was so inconsiderate.

2. The daughter doesn't feel safe with her dad and his family. Not even for two weeks in Disneyland at Christmas time. That's either a big anxiety issue or it's a reflection on her relationship with her dad. Or a bit of both.

It does sound a bit typical of NRPs - they're not around for the small stuff but think they can suddenly whisk the kid off for 2 weeks in Disneyland and it'll all be magical and amazing. It doesn't work like that.^

Yes it does sound as if DSD's DM may have encouraged the no go decision, but for the DF to be annoyed at DSD who has a whole tangled web of conflicting emotions about this, seems really unfair. I must say if I was the DM in this situation I'd be highly annoyed if the non-resident parent unilaterally decided to book a 2 week term trip Disney trip ( Disney Dad indeed) which leaves the other parent to pick up the educational pieces and I wouldn't be encouraging my DD too much to go.

Oh and Op when I was about 7 or 8 I remember discussing Uni with my parents and being shocked at the thought of leaving home. Once I got to the age of 18 I couldn't wait to go , so I wouldn't worry too much at this point about what decisions she will or won't make when she's 10 years older.

super dsd was the one who started the conversation about uni, not me.

Also, why can't I be annoyed? Because I'm just the stepmum so I'm not allowed to have feelings? The only one who ever would have been the one having a conversation with dsd about not going on the holiday and the impact of that would be Dh, I completely agree that wouldn't be my job, but I'm surely allowed to have feelings. After all, it's still my money, my time, my sons and husband. I am annoyed and upset and I won't apologise for that. Dh is also annoyed and upset.

senpai to an extent I agree but she is 10, not 5. I can assure you she very much wanted to go on this holiday, she has talked non stop about nothing else for months. So whilst I agree with everything people have said about not laying bundles of guilt on her, I do feel that she really has changed her mind at the last minute, I don't feel that she's spent months not wanting to go and just hiding that from us.

rookie I think it's only human for Dh to be annoyed, we go in less than a week and it's been planned for months. However all he has said to dsd is that he's disappointed she won't be there with us.