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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that actually dsd should know the consequences of her decision?

365 replies

Cloudybutwarm · 22/11/2015 16:41

Yes I'm braving aibu for a step related issue....

Dsd is 10.5.

On Saturday, as in 6 days time, we are due to be flying to Florida, her, me, Dh and our two boys, 4 and 1. This was booked and paid for months ago.

Yesterday we had a text from her mum to say that dsd has decided she doesn't want to come as she doesn't want to be away from her mum for so long. In the run up to the holiday she has said a few times she was going to really miss her mum, but she is spent far more time talking about how much she's looking forward to it. We have an ongoing thing with her not liking to be away from her mum so Dh had a few conversations with her about it before we booked and she was adamant she'd be fine.

We have taken her on holiday before, and yes she missed her mum and there was the odd tear but overall she was fine and loved the holiday.

So now with less than a week to go we are probably £1k down, have a heartbroken 4 year old who idolises his big sister and doesn't understand why she won't be coming any more and of course a completely gutted Dh.

There is obviously no point in insisting that she comes as that would probably end up making for a miserable holiday for everyone.

Her mum said to Dh please don't be angry with her, she's really upset. Dh is torn between being angry and feeling that he shouldn't be angry with her. I personally think that 10 is obviously a tricky age as she's still a child and yet not a young child.... And therefore I do think that while it's not like we need to be cross and shouty she does need to understand what she's done, that it's cost us a lot of money and that both her dad and brother are very upset. I think she is certainly old enough to be made to see there are consequences for makings decisions like this right at the last moment.

So as not to drip feed, it came to light last week that she's been experiencing some low level bullying at school which has obviously been upsetting her, I must admit that I struggle to see that she wouldn't then prefer to go to Disney for two weeks rather than be in school but there we go....

So basically aibu to think that in these circumstances actually it's ok to be a bit angry and to spell out to dsd the consequences of her actions?

OP posts:
HPsauciness · 23/11/2015 11:03

Felicia it sounds like the dd would actually like that outcome, given that her mum and her have announced no more trips for the time being.

Sadly, she doesn't want to go. It's unclear why.

It is sad, but I think keeping her close is the right thing to do. It's not the same being cross when you live day in and day out with a child, these things can blow over and be discussed many times. If you don't live with a child it is very different even if you are their parent. I have seen this myself- we often have heated words with two pre-teen/teen girls in the house, but one of my parents once said something bad to one of the children and they have never forgotten it and they don't want to stay with the person concerned. It isn't the same with NRP- and the potential for a gap to open up is much quicker and harder to bridge if it does IMO (having seen it break down).

Keeptrudging · 23/11/2015 11:09

Felicia, I absolutely agree re the over-diagnosis of 'anxiety' on this site. Grin

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 23/11/2015 11:27

Maybe she would, and that's fine. The consequence of changing your mind about something that costs a lot of money is that people think twice about spending it on you in the future.

My issue is with some people who would apparently just give her hugs, let her do what she wants (stay at home) and then would blithely do the same next year, it would seem.

Or maybe what they're not saying is that next time a holiday/school trip is booked, they would tell her to think long and hard because the last time she changed her mind at the last minute really was the last time as it wouldn't be happening again.

GreenPotato · 23/11/2015 11:44

OTOH, some of us know what having anxiety is like, and so feel compassion for someone else who appears to be struggling.

Of course we don't know this girl and can't "diagnose" anything. We can maybe see someone in a situation that could certainly cause anxiety.

BoneyBackJefferson · 23/11/2015 11:44

So a timeline from what I can piece together:

OP's DH talks to DSD about holiday (not sure if disneyland is mentioned here)
Disneyland is mentioned
Dates are put forward (this must have been discussed as DSD's mum says that Bday is not an issue)
Some random argument about dates and school
somewhere in this area holiday is booked (possibly with or without people agreeing)
DSD doesn't want to go.

even that is hypothetical.

DebbieFiderer · 23/11/2015 12:32

I think the timeline is

  • Holiday is discussed between OP and DH, including timings
  • DH unilaterally decides to invite DSD
  • OP and DSD's mum are unhappy about this, there is some discussion of changing dates to suit DSD but ultimately the original dates are agreed (albeit reluctantly by DSD's mum)
  • holiday is booked
  • DSD decides not to go
ILiveAtTheBeach · 23/11/2015 12:40

Have to say, that when my kids were this age, they would have fully understood that a lot of money had been spent on their plane ticket, hotel, new clothes, park tickets, AND, they would have known that to pull out was not an option. She is almost 11 years old. She's not a little kid. I think it's preposterous for the adults to let her pull out. It's pandering to her, despite the fact she was asked if she wanted to go, and the money has ALREADY been spent. It's too late. She can Skype her Mum. Adults are in charge, not the children. And blimey, there are kids starving on the streets in the Thirld World. She's been bought a ticket to Disney! Let's get this in perspective, please!

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 23/11/2015 12:42

Or on yet another hand, maybe you are printing your personal situation over the top of this one?

As the OP has made no mention of any other anxiety related issues other than DSD not wanting to leave her mum?

Not that it's my business of course but I don't think the OP is unjustified in being annoyed, and I don't think wanting to let the girl know that her decisions have consequences mean that her parents don't have compassion for her!

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 23/11/2015 12:50

It's totally normal that some situations cause some anxiety! Fine she doesn't want to leave her mum - we don't know why but surely any reason that can be dug up is irrational and should therefore be treated as such? Sensitively of course.

It's not normal to pander to the anxious feeling and let it become a problem instead of supporting them through it.

And of course I am not talking about diagnosed levels of anxiety which mean the situation is becoming unliveable. I'd imagine these situations would require medical intervention.

Keeptrudging · 23/11/2015 12:51

Green, I do know what anxiety is like. Real, crippling, socially - debilitating anxiety for which I have been medicated in the past. That's why it bugs me when 'anxiety' is used so incredibly frequently on these boards to describe 'a bit nervous' or 'doesn't want to do something'.

The percentage of children and adults on here 'suffering from anxiety' (self-diagnosed) is surely not in line with the average. Perhaps it's caused by being on Mumsnet?

Brioche201 · 23/11/2015 13:00

I think for a child of ten, 2 weeks away from primary carer ios a long time.Especially as she has never really lived with her dad

INickedAName · 23/11/2015 13:03

OP, thank you for answering my questions last night, I'm sorry if I came across being arsey, I was just genuinely confused.

Fwiw, I don't think you are wicked step mum, I know how hard it is to make everyone happy.

I know it's frustrating when you predicted this, you can't point it out at time because you'll look like you don't want her there,and if you say "I knew it" now then you look uncaring and resentful. Sometimes all you can do is bite your tongue, it's even harder if input you do give, is totally ignored and over rode by your dh.

It's been said that as she said yes she shouldn't get to now say no. I'll probably get flamed for this, I don't mean any offence, but I think sometimes it's ok to let girls (and boys) know that because they have said yes to something, it's ok to say no afterwards. It's projection I know, but my dad's own insistence that I'd already said yes and saying no would hurt people followed me through to other areas and adulthood I ended up in some horrible situations and out of my depth as I felt saying "actually I don't want to do that anymore" or "I'm not comfortable with this anymore" was rude and hurtful, and that my own feelings of unease didn't matter. I know these are my own issues, but I often wonder if my dad had allowed me to change my mind sometimes without the guilt, or saying I had follow through with something as I'd said yes, something's in my life might have been different. Not saying children should get out of everything they don't want to do, but that they should feel confident to be able to voice if they have changed their minds. Hope I made sense and didn't sound arsey.

gotthemoononastick · 23/11/2015 13:05

OP.could you not ask a little niece or nephew nearer your son's age,or even a little friend whose parents might bite your hand off?

(caveat) I went to ballet boarding school at 4 a hundred years ago.

DebbieFiderer · 23/11/2015 13:15

I think got the moon's idea is an excellent one ;)

Brioche201 · 23/11/2015 13:21

Are the tickets going to be transferable though ?

Original poster
Cloudybutwarm · 23/11/2015 13:38

Got anyone in mind debbie? Grin

OP posts:
DebbieFiderer · 23/11/2015 13:42

Oh I'm sure I could think of someone :)

Orda1 · 23/11/2015 13:49

I'd make her come. She's 10, she doesn't get to call the shots.

Also I would be telling her how much you'd spent, ridiculed behaviour from her.

Orda1 · 23/11/2015 13:49

Ridiculous*

Brioche201 · 23/11/2015 13:58

how does the op 1) 'make her come' and 2) what would having a miserable homesick child add to the holiday?

Original poster
Cloudybutwarm · 23/11/2015 14:12

To reiterate, we have no intention of trying to persuade her to come, certainly will not be forcing her to come - that would be awful! If she doesn't want to there's nothing we can do about that - - it just really really sucks for many reasons!

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/11/2015 14:23

I do think it would be worth a chat with her to find out why it is that she doesn't want to come, and whether there's anything reasonable you can do that might make her happy to come.

Though what you have said about her mum insisting on multiple face-time sessions during a day, telling her dd she misses her and getting her dd to say she misses her mum too - that is very manipulative, and would definitely not be helpful or good for the girl if she did decide to come.

Maybe offering a single face-time session with her mum, at a specific time each day?

In the longer term, the way her mum is manipulating her into wanting to stay at home/not wanting to be away (as you have described), is not a good thing. How will she cope when her dd wants to go away to university? I have a friend who is a single mum, and she was adamant, from before her child went to senior school, that they wouldn't be going away to university - even going on School Journey (a week at an activity centre) was a source of real worry for my friend - her child wouldn't be able to cope, would be far too homesick etc etc).

I worried that she was subconsciously influencing her child against the idea of going away to university - he was a bright boy, near the top of his year group, but she was totally anti-university - and it was clear to me that it was because she didn't want him to go away and leave her.

In the end, he has gone away to university, and both of them are coping fine, but part of our job as parents is to raise children who can live independently and who leave home to do so - and I know how painful that is - my eldest graduated this year, and has a job at the other end of the country from me, and I cried like a baby when he left. The other two dses are at university, and are away most of the time - and that is hard too. But I know I have to let them go. I can't make them responsible for my happiness - so even though I AM unhappy at the moment (I have depression and anxiety - properly diagnosed, I promise - and as dh is working away a lot too, I am alone a lot, and I am struggling with this), I won't be putting that on the boys, or expecting them to change their lives to make mine easier.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 23/11/2015 14:24

This is one of the many situations in which simply "treating a NR DC as if they were one of the family" just doesn't work.

Of course, if it was a nuclear family, or even the resident household, the DC could be "made to go". But that just isn't possible or desirable in this case - and would only be possible with the cooperation of both parents anyway.

OP, I feel for you. Being a stepmum is tough, and some of the comments on this thread indicate a lack of understanding of exactly how little influence you as a stepmum actually have in situations like this.

Original poster
Cloudybutwarm · 23/11/2015 14:28

SDT I had a conversation with dsd about university a few weeks ago just in relation to what job she might like to do when she was older etc and she told me she would be going to the university that is where she lives 'because she'd be no good without her family'. Obviously I know university is years away and she's still very young but that was quite depressing to hear!

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/11/2015 14:33

I have to say that it is a lot more the norm in Scotland, where we live, than in the rest of the UK - and financial pressures are making it more usual too - but when ds3 was considering our nearest university as one of his choices, I was going to advise him to live in Halls of residence there, for the social aspect, and for learning independence.

Can you talk to dd about all the fun things that happen at university, and the positives of living in a flat with other students your age, being independent etc - not in a sit-down-lecture, kind of way, but just little dribs and drabs of information here and there, to counteract how she is feeling now?