To consider applying for a stressful full time job to escape the stress of sahm!

[bedraggledmumoftwo]

I took redundancy less than four months ago. Seemed like the perfect solution when returning from second mat leave and commuting 3 hours a day, with eldest DD starting nursery school 9-12 mon-fri. The payout was the equivalent of two years net pay by the time childcare and commuting was taken into account, so it seemed a no brainer.I said I wouldn't look for a job but obviously if the perfect well paid, part time,local job ever came up I would apply.

Three months of school runs later, I feel like I am running around like a headless chicken, constantly cleaning the same things over and over, house is a tip, i am forever being wailed/screamed at for ridiculous complaints all day long. Far from the lady of leisure I get called, I am permanently shattered and constantly chasing my tail!

So this morning a friend told me that my perfect job was being advertised where she works. Sort of director level in my field and sector. Definitely not something they would agree to part time, but I could cycle from my house in five minutes so could probably still do morning school run and it would be good career wise. Might be a bit of a step up from my last role, but I think I would have a good shot.

Since she mentioned it I have been feeling elated at the mere possibility, despite previously saying full time would be impossible. It wouldn't be an easy job, but the idea of stressing about things that are actually important rather than having put on the wrong episode of peppa or offered the wrong snack just fills me with excitement.

Aibu to feel like a high level, full time, stressful job would actually be a relief compared to the mundane drudgery stress of staying at home?!

Along with Hilary Clinton I love the Madeleine Albright quote "there is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women"

Pinot

April your post illustrate it's what you do with the dc when you with them.
So a working parent who also ignores or neglects them on weekends.
Or a sahm who ignores or neglects them .

Any parent who martyrs and blames dc for their choices. Own your decision as someone says.

OP, sounds like a great opportunity. I think you should definitely go for it.

I think SAHPs are great. However, I personally couldn't do it. I'm out of the house from 7 - 5 Mon - Fri. Does that mean I shouldn't have had children? What a load of rubbish. I'm lucky enough to live in a place where I can afford a full time nanny.

My siblings and I were raised by working parents and now we're all working parents ourselves. Our children are happy, healthy and well adjusted people.

Society needs working parents. That is a fact. From doctors to teachers to supermarket staff. The economy would be massively affected if all parents or even if one parent in each family stayed at home to look after children for several years.

Pinot You sound like a nutter. Not because of your personal opinions but because of the way you share them to draw attention to you.

pinot, you're coming across like you actually don't feel very secure in the decisions you made for yourself, and like you're justifying yourself to yourself by criticising other people's choices.

I think almost every parent puts their children first (there are some exceptions). It's just that there are different ways of doing that and people have different ideas about what 'putting them first' means. For some it will mean being there for every waking moment, for others it will mean providing the extra opportunities that often come with an expensive education or extra-curricular activities, and for others it will simply mean working all the hours god sends to provide a roof over their heads and food on the table. For most it will be somewhere in between.

This.

far more of my divorced friends cite this as the reason their marriage failed, than other reasons

Yeah, and women who work are covered with fur under their clothes, so that doesn't help their marriages FFS.

This sounds like too good an opportunity to pass by & I cannot believe the negativity and small mindedness of some posters:

-get a nice little part time job
-your marriage will suffer
-you can't expect to have it all

will not be messages I will be passing on to my daughters.

The great thing about full time work is that you get a full time pension, especially in the public sector. Being part time is a bit of a mugs game - you do the same amount of work for less pay and benefits - I speak from experience.

Try negotiating a day a week at home, when they have had a chance to see you are a good hard worker, far better than dropping your hours.

Best of luck with your application

(oh, and I can't resist for Pinot, I too have a happy and successful teenage daughter - no way your daughter is doing better than mine as a result of your sacrifices, as my girl is an awesome high flyer who leaves me breathless with pride and admiration, so ner ner ner to you )

A high level job five minutes from home sounds absolutely frickin perfect to me!
IMO it's commuting that kills family life. Five mins from home you can all have breakfast and dinner together every day.

I feel that I have it all Pinot. My 10yo is happy, stable and thriving, and we have a great relationship.

I've worked FT since she was 6 months old. I'm in a senior role, very good pay. However, I have always put my dd first. She was never in childcare for more than four hours in a day, and then it was a nanny in our own home. Since starting school, we haven't used paid childcare at all. Flexible working and no commute has made a massive difference. And I accept that I have been lucky enough to have a DH who works flexibly too.

I feel no guilt whatsoever. There is nothing to feel guilt about.

Perhaps it wasn't possible for you to have it all in your particular circumstances, but why try to put limitations on the lives of others?

OP, I think you should go for it.

I totally believe having children and putting them into daycare from 7am until 7pm is unfair to them.

pinot why do you keep banging on about having kids in childcare 7am-7pm. The OP has made it clear that's not what will happen

Fwiw I worked full time out of the home until ds was 2 and dd was 9.

Dd is now a teen, she is great. I don't put this down to me working. I find it weird when people say 'my kids are great because I worked FT/PT/sahm'

There is so much more to it. Some parents are shit regardless of their job or being a sahm, most are good parents regardless of working patterns.

OP I had a high powered job and was lucky enough to have one that had a short commute, well paid and allowed me plenty of time with the kids in the evening. I also wasn't dragged down by stress in The evenings.It can and does exist. It's just not the norm. If you can do it an want to....go for it.

The whole sahm vs wohm is a pointless debate. I really wish women would just let other women do what works for them and let them get on with it. I say women as I have nee heard men debating it or judging other people for their choices in regards to this.

Go for it OP, wishing you the best of luck!

The best role model, in my view, is the one who provides a happy, attentive, loving, supportive, secure home life for their children. What I find somewhat irksome are comments along the lines that the best female role models are those who go out to work, or that mothers should not work full time, or that mothers are cruel to go out of the home to work at all, as they all fail to acknowledge that the best family role model is not a person who is good just by dint of doing x, y or z, regardless of the actual effect of their actions. The best role models react to their actual circumstances and their own families, rather than being fixated on the idea that there is only one way of being the best role model, regardless of your personal circumstances and family set up.

'Stressing about things that are actually important.'

This attitude is wrong. What could be more important than raising your children? We live in a strange world where we pay other women a pitiful wage to raise our children, so that we can stress about something seemingly more important.

It says a lot about how childcare is devalued in our society. Because making money and 'achievement' is more important.

If I'm honest I'm struggling to see how being a Sahm is a role model

For all of the same reasons that any other human being can be a good role model. Aliceinwanderlust Are you suggesting that they are BAD role models? Are SAHD's also BAD role models - or are they good role models merely because of their gender?

Your experiences are unfortunate for you but are not anymore wholly representative that other PPs who have claimed that having a working mother made them feel neglected. My own mother worked throughout my childhood and resented every minute of it.

I guess a woth mother is considered a role model as she's still seen as trying to smash the glass ceiling, independent in the sense she can support herself and isn't reliant on a partner, which are considered admirable qualities.

The majority of women are not smashing glass ceilings - they are working because they have to in jobs that they don't particularly love. I've asked it before - if I send my child to a child minder, and then go an work in a nursery am I a better role model?

Being self-reliant and independent are wonderful qualities, but in my opinion so is being able to trust others and being part of a team. My own family works very much as a team.

You also seem to be forgetting that the time spent out of the workplace for a lot of SAHM is in the context of a whole career, not that long. Especially now that retirement will come later to most. I have worked from the age of fourteen until I had my first child at 33 and will return to work when my little one starts school in 2 and a half years. That will be seven in a half years out of approx 50 years of work that I have taken away from the workplace to raise my own children. For me that is not a considerable sacrifice and certainly does not negate my experience, knowledge and skills. And it certainly makes me no less of a role model than you.

roundaboutthetown

You said what I was thinking much more concisely.

I think I'm an excellent role model for my three dc. I'm a sahm. Here's why,

• I'm good at childcare. I enjoy being with children. I put everything into my role and I educate, stimulate and care for my children. I show my children that this is something to be proud of and that not all things to be proud of involve making money.

• When my children are ill, I care for and love them like no one else can. I see time and again children sent to school who should be at home in the warm, being looked after by mum or dad. I'm proud to use my nursing and caring skills (my job pre-children) to ensure my children feel looked after when ill.

• Being a sahm requires patience, sacrifice, thinking on your feet, childcare skills etc.

I could go on. But that's a response to the notion that sahm is not a role model.

Shaffron Stressing about things that are actually important.'

This attitude is wrong. What could be more important than raising your children? We live in a strange world where we pay other women a pitiful wage to raise our children, so that we can stress about something seemingly more important.

Shaffron, you are misquoting me. I think I was clear in the op and subsequently clarified that the unimportant things are not childrearing in general, but screaming tantrums because I dared provide the wrong snack or play the wrong episode of peppa bloody pig! Which have a cumulative effect and drive me slowly insane!

OP, go for it! It sounds perfect. I've been working full time since my children were a few months old. They are happy, well-adjusted and the times we spend together are wonderful. I love my job (and despite being stressful I found it much easier than looking after small children full time!). My mum did the same, and I was always really proud of her. You can get a cleaner etc to look after the boring stuff. Good luck!

Hey listen bedraggled I am currently a delighted to be at home SAHM but my two year old has just discovered Peppa Pig...so I might not be too far behind you into work!!! It's bloody dire!

I've read the whole thread. I've seen several questions I've asked myself about my own kids, about my own time as a SAHM and my own time as a WOHM.

What strikes me is that I can't imagine a bunch of men sitting posting on a chat forum about working hours and school runs. Nor can I imagine men bollocking other men about being out of the house for 12 hours per day.

Not sure exactly what my point is, but I do think in the "...have it all..." argument that it's men who are laughing here. They can work as much as they like, knowing that a woman will pick up the slack, or at least that the lion share will fall on women emotionally.

I put my kids first by working hard, achieving success in my career, setting a great example and earning enough money to give them a top notch education and many wonderful life experiences. They are thriving. I made my choice not to do the daily grind of sahm and have no regrets. OP is not enjoying the sahm role so makes no sense to have an unhappy mum at home. You have the choice OP, I'd go for it!

When my children are ill, I care for and love them like no one else can. I see time and again children sent to school who should be at home in the warm, being looked after by mum or dad. I'm proud to use my nursing and caring skills (my job pre-children) to ensure my children feel looked after when ill.

I don't know anyone who sends their kids to school when ill.

I certainly didn't. I do agree a sahm can be a role model just as much as a wohm . But to say that wohm send their kids to school ill rather than provide care is a sweeping generalisation and quite ridiculous

Both a SAHM or a WOHM can be a wonderful role model of course. They are both mothers at the end of the day. And it is the people they are, the values they impart, and the love and support they give that is important in their ability to be a good role model, not how they make their childcare arrangements. Surely.

You can be a WOHM that's a crap role model. You can be a SAHM that's a crap model. And vice versa.

I get so bloody sick and tired of seeing women slagging off other women's life choices often in an attampt to justify their own rather than supporting and applauding other people's successes and choices.

I also love the Madeleine Albright quote "there is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women"

The best sahm is the one who loves staying at home. It's not an invalid choice. It's just not the best choice for every woman. Why are some women so horrible about other women's choices? It says why more about them than the people they are judging!

Exactly BitOutOfPractice.

Enjolrass Unfortunately, it happens. I volunteer at the kids school and there are often little ones there who you think should be lying on the couch watching cartoons with a bottle of lucozade and a comic. One of the girls I do reading with had full blown chicken pox - not the aftermath scarring, but the full plooky oozy bit. Wee sausage. But I'm not judging - what are folk who work and have no back up supposed to do?

I think the best role model to a child, is a parent who lives a happy, rich and varied life.

How you achieve that is not really down to work status, but personality and the choices one makes.

I think the worst things to model are sacrifice and unhappiness.