To consider applying for a stressful full time job to escape the stress of sahm!

[bedraggledmumoftwo]

I took redundancy less than four months ago. Seemed like the perfect solution when returning from second mat leave and commuting 3 hours a day, with eldest DD starting nursery school 9-12 mon-fri. The payout was the equivalent of two years net pay by the time childcare and commuting was taken into account, so it seemed a no brainer.I said I wouldn't look for a job but obviously if the perfect well paid, part time,local job ever came up I would apply.

Three months of school runs later, I feel like I am running around like a headless chicken, constantly cleaning the same things over and over, house is a tip, i am forever being wailed/screamed at for ridiculous complaints all day long. Far from the lady of leisure I get called, I am permanently shattered and constantly chasing my tail!

So this morning a friend told me that my perfect job was being advertised where she works. Sort of director level in my field and sector. Definitely not something they would agree to part time, but I could cycle from my house in five minutes so could probably still do morning school run and it would be good career wise. Might be a bit of a step up from my last role, but I think I would have a good shot.

Since she mentioned it I have been feeling elated at the mere possibility, despite previously saying full time would be impossible. It wouldn't be an easy job, but the idea of stressing about things that are actually important rather than having put on the wrong episode of peppa or offered the wrong snack just fills me with excitement.

Aibu to feel like a high level, full time, stressful job would actually be a relief compared to the mundane drudgery stress of staying at home?!

I agree with putting my children first. But putting them first isn't a day by day / moment by moment concept. Putting my children first is a long term holistic view of what works best for them and me, now and in the future.

For me, the easiest times for me to work full time were when dc were pre - school. There were lots of really great options for care (the kind of care which was stable and supportive and appropriate). When dc were in school it was tougher in a practical sense - holiday cover, inset days etc and thankfully flexible working and family support made it possible.

But where things got really tricky was when dc were teenage. Childminders or afterschoolclub were so beyond them and yet they were too young to be wandering home alone (I felt). If there was ever a time when I felt me dc needed ME rather than anyone else, it was in their turbulent teenage years....

Fortunately my own working patterns allowed me to support the changing needs of my dc. I worked ft when dc were small and then my seniority and work history meant that I could fight for flexibility when dc were school age. When they were teenage I could afford to reduce to 3/4 time so I could be home in the late afternoon.

Now (several years later) I have some very happy grandparent - ing duties..

I guess what I am trying to say is that putting your children first isn't always about their needs in the first 3 years of life. It is a lifetime commitment. And sometimes that is best achieved by working ft when the dc are young.

I do think it's interesting that Pinot is getting such a hard time and yet people like believeitornot are not being challenged on saying things like "I want a positive female role model for my daughter" and "I wanted to use my brain".

Is it only possible to be a positive female role model if you are being paid to do something. So if I was being paid to care for someone else's child would I be more of a positive female role model than if I am choosing to care for my own child for no payment.

Many of the tasks stay at home mothers do are tasks that others are paid to do - there has been lots of talk on this thread of outsourcing these 'jobs'. But they seem only to be of 'value' if a monetary transaction is taking place.

Surely the respect for choices has to go both ways. All of those who are denouncing pinot must surely see that in failing to also denounce those who belittle SAHMs you are being hypocritical.

Venus has just said pretty much what I was going to.

I think almost every parent puts their children first (there are some exceptions). It's just that there are different ways of doing that and people have different ideas about what 'putting them first' means. For some it will mean being there for every waking moment, for others it will mean providing the extra opportunities that often come with an expensive education or extra-curricular activities, and for others it will simply mean working all the hours god sends to provide a roof over their heads and food on the table. For most it will be somewhere in between.

Pinot - your idea of putting children first is one way. It isn't the only way.

Agree with Venus and Mars. The emotional needs are greater for teens and teens who need your support. Younger kids are fine with good childcare. The 13 year old home alone after school is a bigger concern than a four year old with competent childminder.

Why on earth would ANYONE in your position choose to turn down an opportunity like that?!?! Being a working mother is an excellent example to set, and you won't be bored shitless at home. Go for it - good luck and I bet you will be so happy :)

Pinot - fuck you. I'm a single mother and I work. My son is a very happy little boy and well....the centre of my universe. If I didn't work we wouldn't have any money for food and a home (live out of the UK) As it is I work out of the home during the day while he is at school and after school club until 5:30 and online after he goes to bed at night. He has been looked after by other people AS WELL AS me since he was a baby (He went to nursery) and guess what......he was happy then too. Your comment is ridiculous, pathetic and straight out of the 1950s.

Again? Why is "being a working mother an excellent example to set"?. And conversely does that mean that looking after your own children is a bad example? Surely, your values, actions, principles, personality etc are what counts in providing good role models more than carrying out a piece of work for monetary payment.

I came on to the thread to say that you cant have it all.

Exactly. That is your opinion. Yet you spout it like it's a universal truth. That worked for you. Great. Yipee. It doesn't work for everyone. So stop being a know-it-all jugganaut, assumning you know what's best for you and insulting everyone in your path who has made different decisions based on their own circumstances, which you know NOTHING about. Because it makes you come across as a bit of an arsehole. That's why people are being antsy with you.

Are you reading this though? Or do you just see the word "arsehole" and then accuse me of being rude? Or do you read what I (and many others) are saying about how you are voming across and then actually take that into account? You know, like a rational human being. I suspect not because I think you have got a very very narrow world view.

Crabbitface I suspect thet believeitornot is not getting hard time because she is offering her experience and giving reasons why she took her decisions whilst not insulting other's choices. Unlike Pinot.

It's not the opinions that rankle so much with me (though they differ vastly to my own) it's the holier than fucking thou attittude that goes with it

I'm a bit rankled at the suggestion that SAHM's are not good role models BitOutOfPractice, but I get your point.

Go for it.

However you choose to be a mother, or even have to do without choice, people will have an angle they can criticise you for so you have to ignore that and go with what works for your family. Being happy at work, children happy with their carers, has got to be better than frazzled dissatisfied parent and child doing what one set of critics say they 'should' do.

Be happy, be fulfilled, be confident that you can make your own choices, and reserve the right to choose a different choice as and when you please.

Crabbit I agree with you. I always have a consistently futile hope that women will applaud and support others' choices. I am always disappointed.

But I don't object to someone expressing an opposite opinion to me. I do object to bring told I'm delusional and a bad mother while having the opposite opinion shoved down my throat as gospel. I'm old fashioned like that

Venus, what a brilliant post, thank you.

I was going to make some kind of contribution but then saw pinot accusing others of bring rude and died of irony.

I did take a minute to look around and realise that I have two great kids, an excellent career that affords some flexibility now despite being gasp full time and should give me more flexibility when the children are older, a great cleaner, a babysitter who used to be DS1's key person at nursery and who I trust implicitly, and a husband who shares everything to do with home and kids equally.

I think I do have it all. All I want, anyway.

I believe you put children first or why have them

Me too, Pinot, in fact I also was a single mum and only worked part-time, though it didn't stop me having problems when the teenage years hit.

But the thing is we are all different. When my dd was small I lived in a building with fourteen families, nearly all with small children. There was only one SAHM and she spent her time shouting and slapping her three-year-old, while the rest of us tried to persuade her to get a job.

My own mother was a SAHM with my older sister and was chronically depressed the entire time. By the time I was six she was out working a 9-5 job and I did miss her but to this day my sister says that I was the lucky one.

Crabit I've been pondering your thought. If I'm honest I'm struggling to see how being a Sahm is a role model and I wonder if this is due to recent history IE women with children only relatively recently entering the workplace en mass (outside of wife work type jobs) my mum was a Sahm. In truth I think he choice was a selfish as mine to be a woth mum. It was what she wanted to do because she believed it was best- same reason I work. My as the child- I knew no different and not sure I benefitted particularly from her not working (we did go without money we could've had had she worked which wasn't always easy)

I guess a woth mother is considered a role model as she's still seen as trying to smash the glass ceiling, independent in the sense she can support herself and isn't reliant on a partner, which are considered admirable qualities.

Have not rtft, but personally I knew that I would not be able to deal with being a SAHM and doing household things all day. I think that if your career is important for you and you are not the kind of person who loves doing household stuff and childcare all day it seems like a no-brainer to get a job, even if you only just break even on childcare costs (you're increasing your earning potential for the future by staying in work and won't have childcare costs forever). Could another option be for DH to take a career break for a while? If you're unhappy as a SAHM as I would be, I wouldn't give a moment's hesitation to pursuing a career.

Yanbu. Go for it. A short commute is perfect, I walk or cycle. You couldn't pay me to drive or rely on public transport to get to work.

Fwiw I'm a miserable working p/t totally lp. Bad for my mental & physical health and for our household. But we're fond of food and I have a mortgage to pay so they went to nursery from 12 months. I genuinely think my dd is going to grow up not wanting to work because she's seen how stressful it is, she's already mentioned it a few times.

I always come back to what Hilary Clinton says, that whatever you do you have to own your choices. My mum sah and my grandma but it wasn't a choice it was just expected and both were bored and trapped. I want my daughters to have control of their own lives and not be pushed around, whether they work more or fewer hours.

Sorry guys had to get some sleep before another chaotic day!

I do think the move to sahm has been harder than I expected, not just the drudgery but I have felt a bit of a crisis of identity. Having spent my whole adult life getting better and better qualifications, and then struggling to get a senior job, I now feel like I have given it all up to be chief cook, cleaner and bottle washer! That is a joke, before anyone gets offended, but I do miss the intellectual stimulation of doing a difficult job, and while parenting is hard probably harder since I am clearly no good at it it does lack intellectual stimulation. And self actualisation.

So in the end I think it is the happy mummy happy child thing. My username is exactly how I feel. I would quite like to put some posh clothes on and do a high powered job for a change, then I can come home to being bedraggled again with a fresh set of eyes and hopefully renewed patience as a change is as good as a rest!

The main thing is that I think this is a one off opportunity. There is only one public sector location this close, and I do feel I have limited my options as all my experience is public sector. I have been reminding my friend to keep looking for jobs in my field but didn't think one at this level would ever be advertised externally. It might be reaching, I might not get it, but at the end of the day I have to try as this may be the only time it comes up.

If I don't get it I will chalk it up to experience, but will go back to sahmming knowing I have given it a shot. I won't be out looking for another job, another friend in a neighbouring county has previously brought jobs to my attention but they haven't been perfect enough for me to consider, both in terms of seniority and even a half hour drive seemed too much to justify. In a few years if this came up again I don't think I would still stand a chance having been out of the game. We will see. I will throw my hat in the ring and see what happens!

It sounds like you have a brilliant attitude OP
Don't feel bad about wanting to put on posh clothes and bask in respect from intelligent adults- that is exactly what I missed when I was at home

Dpotter
I'm very curious to know which part of the public sector has jobs at director level that are just 9-5. In my neck of the woods seeing 2 parts of the public sector, I see those at director level being required to attend early morning meetings to meet with clinicians and evening meeting to meet with public / councillors etc.
I'd say go for the job, but there's no such thing as a 9-5 director level job in any sector so be prepared.

Yes, I may be looking at this with rose tinted glasses having seen my friend on the school run in the morning most days. She isn't quite that senior though so I will ask her whether it is likely to be less flexible than I think. I would be happy if it was occasional mornings or the odd evening meeting as my mum comes to stay around once a month anyway, but if it was most days that would be a deal breaker, as the 9-5 ishness is the main reason I think it could work!

Sorry more bold fail!

Crabbit and bit out of practice I agree with you both. My single mother worked ft throughout my life whilst my grandmother looked after me as a child as equivalent of a SAHM. I have always been fairly distant from my mother as she didn't do quality time outside of work with me and was mostly very distracted and absent. Looking back I think periods like that are totally understandable - there have to be sacrifices to go from minimum wage and struggling in late 20s to £30k in 30s+ which I really respect her for and she knew I was happy with my grandmother, but there were other big problems symptomatic of me not being her priority and she continues to be the same with me as an adult though things have improved a bit in my early 30s. So I guess I have done the classic rebellion and am choosing to struggle on 1 wage (my DH's) and be a SAHM, be reliant on someone else financially, my career fairly down the drain, because I don't ever want my son to feel like I did and I don't have an equivalent of my grandmother for him and I want to do the SAHM bit not a relative or professional childcare. This is totally based on my individual experiences. It is a struggle when I have been unwell, just like with paid work and I miss a lot of things about my job, feel bad about myself sometimes that I'm not achieving in the paid work sense, feel bad that my DH shoulders the burden of work stress, but it is my choice and I am very happy with it and feel it is a stroke of luck I have been able to make it. I don't see myself as a failure as some working mothers might, I see myself as someone who has been lucky to make the choice I wanted. I am hopeful me and my DH can swap over later on. I think being a working Mum is a wonderful thing so long as there is quality time outside of work, there are swings and roundabouts with both options.

I work 3 days a week OP, and yes, it does feel like a break.

My Mum was a SAHM and became very bitter that she hadn't really used her education and she did take it out on me. I would rather she'd worked TBH.

Go for it! If you don't and there is only one opportunity nearby, then you are likely to regret it if you have to then have a long commute.

I love that Hilary Clinton quote. I work full-time with 2 under 4 and now with 2 pickups it's a much longer journey home which I'm struggling with as it means I have to leave on the dot of 4, but we'll get there.

If you can afford help, get it. I have a cleaner and then a student who comes for three hours a week and basically cooks meals for the kids to freeze, puts away their clothes and is happy to babysit too. She is a godsend!

Surely the OP should try it?

If it doesn't work out she can go back to being a SAHM ( no application forms necessary).

It's weird how adamant sone people are that even trying a different way is wrong. That it won't work out. ( they know this on advance how?).

I worked very flexibly when my DC were small and didn't use childcare. This seemed to meet with approval.

But then I was offered some work out of the home. And boy, people formed an orderly queue to tell me how I couldn't have it all.

In the end it was DH who would tell people that they were being ridiculous. That we were going to give it a whirl and if it didn't work out nothing was lost, we'd go back to the status quo.

And you know what? It worked out fine. Kids are happy, funny, kind, successful. DH and I are in a very good place. I love my work.