To consider applying for a stressful full time job to escape the stress of sahm!

[bedraggledmumoftwo]

I took redundancy less than four months ago. Seemed like the perfect solution when returning from second mat leave and commuting 3 hours a day, with eldest DD starting nursery school 9-12 mon-fri. The payout was the equivalent of two years net pay by the time childcare and commuting was taken into account, so it seemed a no brainer.I said I wouldn't look for a job but obviously if the perfect well paid, part time,local job ever came up I would apply.

Three months of school runs later, I feel like I am running around like a headless chicken, constantly cleaning the same things over and over, house is a tip, i am forever being wailed/screamed at for ridiculous complaints all day long. Far from the lady of leisure I get called, I am permanently shattered and constantly chasing my tail!

So this morning a friend told me that my perfect job was being advertised where she works. Sort of director level in my field and sector. Definitely not something they would agree to part time, but I could cycle from my house in five minutes so could probably still do morning school run and it would be good career wise. Might be a bit of a step up from my last role, but I think I would have a good shot.

Since she mentioned it I have been feeling elated at the mere possibility, despite previously saying full time would be impossible. It wouldn't be an easy job, but the idea of stressing about things that are actually important rather than having put on the wrong episode of peppa or offered the wrong snack just fills me with excitement.

Aibu to feel like a high level, full time, stressful job would actually be a relief compared to the mundane drudgery stress of staying at home?!

Exactly Bedraggled. I feel like a walking cliché but that's what I'm looking for. I didn't particularly enjoy my job (accounts) before I left full time work for good to have my second DS but now I have three and have been out of full time work for 10 years I feel deskilled and it is something I wish I'd given more thought to. But I was too busy looking after the kids to do anything about it!

He pointed out I could literally pop home in my lunch break to shove a load of washing on, which now that I am looking at it in black and white could be taken as a sexist statement about women's work but the reality is that I do all the laundry. So that would be a good thing.

Does he realise that there will be times when he has to stay home with sick children and that the household tasks are not only your responsibility?
Things will change for him. If yiur children are unwell there are times when he will have to look after them. Ditto drop/pick up sometimes.

i think your last post is spot on OP. I do worry about this idea that FT is easy from the moment they start school. I work fewer hours than I did when mine were preschoolers and that downshift has made so much difference to us all. And an 8 or 9 year old isn't as different to an ickle 4 year old as I'd expected, in terms of needing downtime and sleep.

However, don't pop home at lunchtime to shove the washing on. You'll be juggling a lot of balls anyway, you don't need home tasks to impinge on working hours. They can wait. Ubik is spot on that having 2 working parents can - and absolutely should IMO - necessitate both parents pitching in where possible. Unlike when they're at nursery, it will be very different for him to having you at home. Half the kids' sickness days should be his, half the dr and dentist appts, half the school assemblies, but also if you need to go in early to an important meeting, he might need to flex his work to do the school run. Even though you are closer to home. You've only been SAHPing for 4 months so maybe this is not relevant, but picture it as the WOH role being "his" at the moment and the home & children bit being "yours". You are going to take on 50% of the WOH role, so how will you cover the parenting and home bit? Surely he needs to do more of that role. Either that, or he thinks you don't do much all day!

DH and I rarely both go to school commitments. We divide and conquer, and we swap drops and pickups very frequently around our various work & child related commitments. (DD has a lot of medical appts which are particularly difficult to cover.) This is made MUCH easier by my PTness, but I think you need to go in with an expectation of equality from day 1. Working closer doesn't mean all the school commitments, and playdates, and washing fall to you. 2 parents working FT means 2 parents pitching in on everything else, or getting a fabulous nanny and a cleaner at the minimum.

I so agree about no popping back to do washing! Pay someone to do that. We do very little washing as our cleaner does most of it.

Tbh I used to pop back on my lunch break. But my job wasn't well paid enough for a cleaner. But I liked getting out of the office and having a bacon sandwich

I would put the wash on etc.

If I could have afforded a cleaner... I wouldn't have bothered.

I got made redundant when pg and decided to take a 'couple' of years off to be a sahm. I know it sounds stupid but I had no idea how hard it would be to get back into work. I ended up totally retraining and starting at the bottom again.

The laundry conversation actually went

Me: it says I could work from home one day a week, which would be handy as I could shove a load of washing on or whatever. *
DH in fact you wouldnt even need to be working from home, you could pop home at lunchtime even in the office since it is so close!

• (To be clear I am not saying I would slack off at home, I just mean five minutes to chuck the washing in while I make a cup of tea/ have lunch etc, I generally end up doing more work from home than the office to overcompensate)

Go for it, I think sahm is hard. I would love to go to work but the childcare would be more than anything I earnt.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going insane especially with dd having complex medical needs :(

Go for it and be happy.

Good luck

And actually popping home would be a good thing as it would make me actually take a lunch break not eat at my desk!

Bimbly I think you need to go in with an expectation of equality from day 1. Working closer doesn't mean all the school commitments, and playdates, and washing fall to you. 2 parents working FT means 2 parents pitching in on everything else, or getting a fabulous nanny and a cleaner at the minimum.

Unfortunately that really isn't an option for us. As I said earlier DH has the opposite of a family friendly job. He pitches in with housework at weekends but is largely absent during the week. The related financial contribution would pay for the fabulous nanny and cleaner though. And his parents live nearby and are keen to help out with the kids, as is my mum, although she lives further afield but loves to come and take over for days at a time. In fact my parents are supposedly planning to move to my town so my mum can spend more time with the girls. I think when I applied for redundancy my mum stopped putting pressure on my dad to move. If I did get this job I imagine she would be on him to get a move on like a shot

Somehow, I suspect that if you had your DH's job, you would mysteriously be able to do a lot more childcare/chores. And, if you did have your DH's job, I bet he'd expect that of you. Has he made any changes at all to his working life since you had kids? I also suspect his female colleagues manage.

Good luck. I hope you get an interview and blow them away.

Thank you all for the luck!

Somehow, I suspect that if you had your DH's job, you would mysteriously be able to do a lot more childcare/chores. And, if you did have your DH's job, I bet he'd expect that of you. Has he made any changes at all to his working life since you had kids? I also suspect his female colleagues manage.

I so agree with this comment. Not aimed at you, OP, but when you get the posters on here, particularly ones who have been out the workplace for a while or never held a professional level job, earnestly explaining how they have to stay at home and do everything as their DH's job is just so incompatible with family life, I always do a chinny reckon.

I took vol redundancy at end of mat leave with ds and had a year and a half off using my pay of a years salary to finance it - and have found a local job at the same level Full time - I think removing the commute takes a massive strain off being full time. My previous job was an hours commute and longer factoring in childcare drop off and pick up and ds was in longer than he was locally and then he spent 2 hours in the car (I did that run for 5 weeks between mat leave ending and redundancy kicking in) if I was still there I wouldn't have been able to do school drop off now. As it is I'm doing well having been promoted and have as much of the best of both as I can imo

I say go for it!

Do it do it do it! Go on OP, it sounds awesome!

Somehow, I suspect that if you had your DH's job, you would mysteriously be able to do a lot more childcare/chores. And, if you did have your DH's job, I bet he'd expect that of you. Has he made any changes at all to his working life since you had kids? I also suspect his female colleagues manage

Actually it really is impossible. He worked till after midnight on his very first day on the job, and it has only gone downhill from there work life balance wise! He has to spend most days at a client site 3.5 hours from where we live, and always works late into the evening,so he lives in a hotel most of the time. Unless he is overseas instead, which is about one week in three at the moment.

Women that work at his slavery company either quit after having children or have full time nannies or I guess sahd to take over. There really are jobs which are like that. Obviously he gets remunerated and incentives to do all this,otherwise we he wouldn't put up with it. Yes he could probably cut back a bit but not enough to ever do a school run, without quitting his current job. And we have both agreed that we are in it for the long game, which does mean I shoulder the majority of the child and house stuff, or pay to outsource it where necessary. It is something I have specifically agreed to though.

When I returned to work after Maternity my DH had quite a shock as to how he then had to step up in terms of parenting and housework. He was so used to me being the default parent and always being at home and always being available to deal with whatever problems arose with DH it hadn't occurred to him that once I was working then he'd have to do his part.

He had to do all the childminder drop offs and pick ups and three nights a week he is solely responsible for getting DS his dinner, bathing him, doing bedtime etc whereas previously it was always a role I played.

When DS is sick or the childminder is sick then me and DH have to alternate as to who phones in to work and takes the day off. So far we've had to do it two times each.

He doesn't like doing it but nor do I. His job isn't more important then mine and it shouldn't always be me who has to deal with the childcare problems that arise.

I do think it's a big shock to the men's systems sometimes when the primary carer is no longer available 24/7 and the time has come for them to make sacrifices and changes to their lifestyle in order to have an equal relationship.

flexi is awesome esp when they hit school. If you start 7.30, you could finish at 3 with half hour lunch break so get home about 3.30 to do all homework, reading ect.

Hm. Whether or not you've specifically agreed it, IMO the fact that you desperately want (need?) to go back to work is a new challenge, and it means the idea of his job trumping everything might need to be re-negotiated.

Imagine if the boot was on the other foot - he loathed his job and it tore him apart being away from you and the kids. Wouldn't you encourage him to find a solution that made him happier, even if at some cost to yourself career-wise, financially or personally? You wouldn't force him to consider only solutions that allowed you to continue your life unaffected. You're partners. He knows you are unhappy so can't he be part of the solution to that in any practical way at all?

On a practical note, him taking a couple of weeks' parental leave might help ease the children into their new routine when you first start work. Even if it's never been done in his workplace before, there has to be a first time. DH is somewhat of a trailblazer for this kind of thing in his office, and it pays dividends for the DC. Worth risking some of his bonus for that, surely?

I really do hope you get the job.

Worth risking some of his bonus for that, surely

If it was just about bonuses it would be, but he is currently in a promotion process so now is not the time for him to be cutting back. Once he is through and secure then he can take his foot off the pedal a bit more.

That said, he surprised me by asking when the Christmas production is yesterday as he wants to attend didn't have the heart to tell him I had ordered tickets assuming he wouldn't be able to oops

DH is somewhat of a trailblazer for this kind of thing in his office, and it pays dividends for the DC

Yy - the men in our office often when compressed hours and use flexi. It's great as it levels the field.

I totally get that some jobs cannot easily accommodate ghis arrangement but it's really worth exploring

Just an update if anyone is interested. I did apply and have an interview next week.

However, I'm not sure I actually want it. Having spoken to friend that works there it would not be as perfect as I hoped. They do have a flexitime arrangement but this job is too senior so it is "any hours necessary". It would also include late evening meetings, probably twice a month. And I asked her to get the incumbent to guess how many hours he actually works and the answer was more like 45, so nine a day. And that is with him having been in the job for years so no learning curve, I'd probably have to do longer.

Because it is so close it would probably still be better than commuting, and I probably could do the school run, but my theories about finishing early were probably pie in the sky.

So now I need to decide whether I actually want it after all...

Well done on your interview! It still a lovely job and well worth trying. I'd love no commute

Maybe just put everything on the table during your interview. Say you'd love it, you'd be great at it, but these are the parameters you'd need in order to take the job. I've done that before, sometimes it works.