To think I am not 'uncultured' just because I can't use chopsticks

[FargoFGS]

I really should be over this but it's still on my mind.

I went to a Japanese restaurant over the weekend with DP and another couple. I briefly recall DP being on the phone with his friend making arrangements and trying to change the venue but I wasn't too bothered and didn't take any notice - I thought that perhaps he just fancied something else but I now suspect that he was trying to get out of the Sushi place because I can't use chopsticks.

Anyway, his friend must have convinced him or had already made the reservation so thus the 4 of us set of to this restaurant. We ordered. All we and good so far and the food came.

The chopsticks were already laid out on the table so I asked a waiter for a fork and was met with sniggers by the girlfriend of DP's friend. I continued to use my fork (as otherwise I wouldn't have been able to eat anything) and as the conversation went on she made a comment about me being uncultured and that using chopsticks is like riding a bike or swimming. It's just one of those that everyone knows how to do.

I've now got myself a some chopsticks and watching youtube videos on how to use them as I did feel embarrassed but I think she over-stepped the mark.

Op, Yunior dps slings like my exp, he didn't value anything I supported. Of you feel you can make a few more weeks with him, and that works for you, good. But if not, there is no shame in just leaving. I did that after an argument,i just packed up the cats in a pillow case and drove away. But if you can plan an out, I'd recommend that.

Little baby Jesus autocorrect went mad!
That should read your dp sounds like my ex p.

OP if you know he will laugh at you if you give him a full explanation of why the relationship is over then just don't bother.

Seriously, in your shoes I would be worried he would be taking the piss out of me for years to come - Do you remember Mintoil who left me cos she couldn't use chopsticks?

I would just say you aren't happy and the relationship has run it's course. Just repeat as necessary.

Best of luck!

Fargo couldn't read and not post.

Your partner sounds like a knob. Every relationship has its flaws but to still be ridiculing you about things that have clearly rankled, he's not a keeper. Get out while you can. Don't wait until Christmas. Life's too short.

As for the snipey drunk fucker with her chopsticks, she's got issues. Leave them all to their sniggering snipey little ways.

If I bumped into her again, I'd have to say, "Gosh, you were catty after a few drinks last time. Perhaps you should lay off the drink as it's terribly uncultured to behave that way at a restaurant"

^^ and what mintoil said, don't tell him it's about this. This is the tip of the iceberg. You've grown apart, don't feel connected, don't see him in your future, etc

Fargo - you sound so lovely, self-aware and articulate. You are wasted on this man.

You're obviously getting ready to, but I really do urge you to move on. You're in the best position to do, with the end of the tenancy looming, no real joint assets, and no children.

He isn't the man for you. Getting further embroiled with him would be a waste of your talents. This isn't about the chopsticks or the frying pan - they're nothing more vaguely tenuous indicators of the actual issue, which boils down to disrespect and incompatibility - i.e. serious relationship deal-breakers.

And if you must give him a list of reasons, simply say, 'we're incompatible and I no longer respect you.'

Fargo - you sound so lovely, self-aware and articulate. You are wasted on this man.

Was about to post exactly this, glanced up and saw it already posted. So I'll just do a x2.

1. Your DP sounds like an utter dick. You're well rid. It's not about chopsticks or a frying pan. It's about constantly belittling you and rubbing mistakes in your face any chance he gets. I've burned food and DH has a good laugh about how I made the chicken look like the coal in the grill, but it ends with a "It's ok, things happen I appreciate the effort anyway, I'll cook the rest". Teasing is only ok if both people are laughing.

1. Chopsticks: Easy trick (if you want to use them again after all this)... hold one like you would a pencil and move it up and down against the bottom one. I couldn't figure them out until DH taught me that trick.

Invite them round for dinner, serve soup as first course and don't forget to lay out her chopsticks.

I can use chopsticks but only learned because we had a friend at uni who had one arm - so in sharing meals it gave him an advantage for once.

I posted waaaayyy early on and am now just getting back and goodness, things have progressed.

OP, you don't have to explain, list, or justify. All you have to do is say you're unhappy and that you will be moving on when the lease expires.

To tell the truth, I'd probably do it before Christmas simply because it would be really hard to play 'happy couple' knowing I was going to be dropping a proverbial bomb right afterwards. Plus it'd save me buying gifts for him and his family (cheap, that's me!).

I'd go with not bothering to give him reasons either, tbh.
"this isn't working for me" and "I've had it, really, enough's enough, I don't want to be with you any more" will do.

Then if you must offer details, go for the generic "you clearly don't respect me, you laugh at me, belittle me and think I'm beneath you" - don't offer up specifics.

And then thank your lucky stars you'll never have to see snidey bitch again!

Definitely rude (a missed opportunity to say 'did you mean to be so rude?' With accompanying headtilt?)

I'm from a military background, lots of travel, eating food from different cultures and meals with 20 bloody sets of cutlery for 5 courses! I can assure you if she'd behaved like this in that setting she'd have been pulled up on her appalling manners and likely ostracised herself! Visiting VIPs would occasionally use the 'wrong' utensils but (perhaps following the queen's example?) Often the host/ess would copy in order not to embarrass the guest.

Embarrassing/belittling somebody you're breaking bread with is the height of bad manners.

Pretty sure you'd just need to give a months notice on the flat.

Frankly your dp sounds the type to take 'ribbing' you about your errors/accidents to the nth degree and develop into an ea partner. In other words a nasty stuck up dick!

You're well rid!

Glad you are LTB, OP. And that you realised the real source of the problem

FWIW the person who called you 'uncultured' over dinner was incredibly rude. But about 1,000,000 MNers have already told you that

Once you have moved out, do make sure you send him Chopsticks for his next birthday so he remembers what a dick he was to lose a good woman over such petty attitudes.

mintoil

Seriously, in your shoes I would be worried he would be taking the piss out of me for years to come - Do you remember Mintoil who left me cos she couldn't use chopsticks?

Exactly this. This is a very likely scenario. I can imagine that he would be the type to say something like "Fargo left me because she couldn't use chopsticks and I once left my cup by the sink instead of in the sink, isn't she bonkers!" or similar.

He's not a bad man and I'm sure there's someone out there that would find him hilarious but to me he comes across as condescending, patronising and at times down right inconsiderate.

ThumbWitchesAbroad You are right. I won't go into the specifics with him. I felt a bit ridiculous writing it here so saying it to him is just not worth it. I admit that over the past year I've struggled with this because he hasn't done anything big enough to warrant a 'break-up'. Even the initial subject of this thread, it wasn't him that called me uncultured but somehow I managed to feel shame because he was trying to change the venue - again I'm over-thinking it but surely he should have been just fine to go to the Sushi place and even offered to give me crash course in using chopsticks or something.

I just no longer love him and despite his claims I feel as though he doesn't love me either. I know that as the tenancy has been coming to an end I'm finding fault in everything he does; even how he puts on his shirt in the mornings or brushes his teeth. I've changed and feel hollow, I'm no angel but I know if I stay in this relationship I'll lose myself entirely and it wouldn't be fair on him. I didn't ever think I'd become someone who'd need 'permission' to leave a relationship. I'm just so worn down by it all. Oddly enough if you asked him about our relationship he'd give an entirely different account. He thinks things are going greatly. Again just goes to show how different we've become.

And thank you all for listening to me. This is the first time in a year or so that I've managed to put across how I actually feel about the relationship. I can't really articulate it in RL to friends and family without sounding like I've lost the plot because he hasn't actually done anything iyswim.

I'm glad you've had that opportunity, Fargo and used it to clarify how you really feel about things.

Really, "I no longer love him" is absolutely a good enough reason to end it. It truly is. You have no need to stay with someone when you don't love them, none at all. Good luck with the split, I think you'll feel so much better once you're free. :)

I can't ride a bike but I'm not uncultured!!

on the contrary I was in China at the beginning of the year...and lots of the people there don't know how to use a fork...does that make them 'un-cultured'..?

The fact that you are even eating sushi would imply that you are willing to explore other cultures thus contradicting her offensive comment...

Cultured people have good manners and etiquette. However, being cultured is in the eye of the beholder, because there are so many different cultures in the world. It's difficult to be cultured in more than one culture.

Fargo, my DH and indeed my whole family think it very amusing that I am complete and utter crap at using chopsticks, and I am. But it's a family joke and I don't feel belittled by it.

My first DH and his friends used to find me amusing in much the same way your DP does, and what really hurt was his complete and utter lack of loyalty. No matter how vile to me they were being, he never, ever stood up for me. Just left me to fight my own corner and he never came and joined me. I should have seen the light and LTB but I married him. Thank goodness you have more sense than me.

"Yy HeadDreamer I came on to say the same about sushi in Japan - you will get very odd looks if you eat it with your fingers. It's not normal to eat sushi with your fingers at all, no matter how traditional it may be. "

???

I have lived in Japan for a long time, and it is perfectly normal to eat sushi with either fingers or chopsticks.

Maybe it's a regional thing in Japan? I don't know, because I've never been - but it might be, I suppose!

My DP is adept at using chopsticks, but still ties his shoelaces using bunny ears. I kid you not. As for me, nup, just don't have the dexterity or fine motor skills to hold those suckers longer than about 2 minutes (so 2 "mouthfuls").