To think I am not 'uncultured' just because I can't use chopsticks

[FargoFGS]

I really should be over this but it's still on my mind.

I went to a Japanese restaurant over the weekend with DP and another couple. I briefly recall DP being on the phone with his friend making arrangements and trying to change the venue but I wasn't too bothered and didn't take any notice - I thought that perhaps he just fancied something else but I now suspect that he was trying to get out of the Sushi place because I can't use chopsticks.

Anyway, his friend must have convinced him or had already made the reservation so thus the 4 of us set of to this restaurant. We ordered. All we and good so far and the food came.

The chopsticks were already laid out on the table so I asked a waiter for a fork and was met with sniggers by the girlfriend of DP's friend. I continued to use my fork (as otherwise I wouldn't have been able to eat anything) and as the conversation went on she made a comment about me being uncultured and that using chopsticks is like riding a bike or swimming. It's just one of those that everyone knows how to do.

I've now got myself a some chopsticks and watching youtube videos on how to use them as I did feel embarrassed but I think she over-stepped the mark.

I agree with a PP that this was probably a row that needed to happen.
So, painful perhaps, but better to find out DP is a disrespectful twat now than later?
Good luck OP. All the best to you x

Chopsticks should be compulsory for everyone. If they were I'd be a size 8 because I've never been able to pick up a single morsel with them. I'd starve!

ThumbWitchesAbroad I do feel as though the relationship has come to an end. He does this sort of thing a lot e.g. a few weeks ago I burned a frying pan and now whenever he uses it he holds it up and says "Remember the time you tried to burn the house down Fargo!?". It wasn't funny then and it's not funny now. And for example, we always have music playing in our house - either from his playlists or mine but whenever we have people over he takes over the role of 'DJ' and won't let me have my playlist on - as if his is in some way superior to mine

He does have some redeeming qualities but I can't get over the fact that he does see me sometimes as lesser, iyswim.

I read a thread once where an OP was detailing how acrimonious and ridiculous her divorce had become towards the end as she was citing things to her lawyer like: 'he never hangs his coat on the coat hanger, he never uses coasters, he leaves his socks on the bedroom floor' etc etc and I feel a bit driven mad by my DP like she did by her STBEXH. Even though DP and I aren't married I feel that sense of crazy that the married woman had been experiencing. I'm in no anyway comparing this to the pain and entanglements often involved in divorce but I hope you see what I mean. There are no children involved and bar the joint account for bills/rent our finances are entirely separate.

This was never really about Chopsticks but the rage I feel over it isn't proportionate at all and deep down I know this is just another example in a list of things that I'm using a reason to break up. I've lurked on Relationships long enough to know that you never need any other reason other than it's not working for me' to leave a relationship but I feel I can't justify leaving such a long and in truth mostly good relationship over a chopstick and a burned frying pan.

Lweji I'm fully clued up about the tenancy agreement. It's been at the forefront of my mind for at least the past 6 months. And I'm going to move back in with my parents while I find my feet. I can't afford anything solo at the moment. We're going to have to have a chat before though because I don't want to leave him up shit creek by just cheerfully announcing in mid december that I'm off back in with my parents. To all intents and purposes he expects that we'll be renewing as we have (automatically) done so for the past 4 years without much more than a brief discussion about it.

But he probably won't be up shit creek actually. The house is rented to us by a family member of his. Thanks if anyone manages to get through my previous mammoth post.

Iirc, you could leave the tenancy earlier just as long as you give enough notice.
It should say from when you can walk out. 6 months?
I'd think it's odd if not.

I feel I can't justify leaving such a long and in truth mostly good relationship over a chopstick and a burned frying pan.

But it's not really about those things, it's about his attitude and how he sees you, which you know aren't right. The playlist thing would piss me right off too. It's just like you're an embarrassment and need to be put down and sidelined. No one should be treated like that.

If you split up, his housing concerns are his problem. You're not responsible for him, don't worry about it.

You woudn't be breaking up because of a chopsticks, a frying pan, or a playlist. You would be breaking up because these situations highlighted your reality.

Breaking up doesn't always need to involve something huge as a reason. It can very often be a case of after everything else I put up with Im surprised at what broke the camels back.

I agree it's not about a frying pan or a pair of chopsticks. It's about he seeing you as a lesser. You are finally seeing the truth in this relationship. I don't think it hurt less just because you aren't married. Marriage is just a piece of paper that gives you rights in the eye of the law. It always hurt when you have to leave a relationship you've put so much effort in. (I'm guessing you have otherwise you won't have a joint account). You are lucky to have parents who you can rely on. And also that you don't have children yet.

Hopefully you'll meet a much better half next time.

I'm pleased that you think it has come to an end - and you're right, it's not about the burnt frying pan nor the chopsticks - they're just more straws in the heap that have been piling up on that old camel's back.

I don't think you'd even need to see out the remaining few weeks of the tenancy agreement - people break up all the time when they're in joint tenancy agreements, and usually they pass over to the remaining occupant as a sole tenant - surely if the landlord is one of his family, then they'll have no issue with doing this. So choose when you want to leave, get everything in order for you to do so, and tell him when you're ready.

And no, you don't have to have a "cast iron" reason for finishing this - just "it's not working for me any more" is good enough, quite honestly.

The others are right - the chopsticks, play list and burnt frying pan are symptoms of a larger malaise. It sounds as if he doesn't respect you or your feelings - and these little things that have brought it to a head are just the way his attitude towards you is showing itself.

Think of them as the tip of the iceberg - below the waterline is a whole lot of disrespect.

I think ThumbWitch is right (she usually is, in my experience) and you can move out sooner rather than later - I doubt he will be in any financial difficulty, if he is renting from a family member. And "It's just not working for me any more" is fine too.

You don't have to justify it though OP that's the thing!
Just do it!

OP its not uncultured to not be able to use chopsticks. The restuaremt had fprks so I'm sure they have lots of customers who are unable to use chopsticks.
The comforter it is not lazy to not learn how to use chopsticks. It may be easy for you but it's not easy for everyone. I am dyspraxic and although I've tried to use chopsticks I really can't and I would just prefer to be able to just eat my meal with aa fork rather than end up dropping stuff.
OP the girlfriend was being incredibly rude.

I would say you are normal. I've no clue how to use chopsticks. I've never learnt and never needed to. I've survived 35 years...

She was rude... exceptionally rude.

I use chopsticks all of the time because I am ethnically Japanese and was taught by my parents how to use them when I was a very young child (early 1970s).

I'd NEVER look down on someone because they chose not to use them, let alone make a comment about how "uncultured" they are because they don't use them... I know that until quite recently (ie 15-20 years ago), Japanese food wasn't that in vogue, so I know that my "gaijin" friends (non-Japanese) may not have had much (if any) exposure to the intricacies of learning to use chopsticks - I know that I found them difficult to use when I was a child (as most young children do when they're learning to use them) and I find them difficult to use to this day (I have large "man hand" hands for a Japanese female and I also have carpal tunnel in both hands), so I can hardly make a comment if they choose to use a fork and knife... truth be told, there have been times when I've wanted to use a fork myself when I'm out, but I've been too proud to ask for one (it also doesn't help when it happens when one is dining with one's high expectations Asian parents/grandparents who you know will make a comment if you suddenly switch from chopsticks to knife and fork).

Good on you for getting a set of chopsticks to practise with... it's not an easy task to learn, but I'm confident that you'll get the hang of it eventually! :)

Back to the chopsticks and dyspraxic and arthritis, etc. And people who say it's lazy not to learn. Don't forget in the far east, where it's the only available cutlery, they are learned at a very very young age. It's one of those things like languages, swimming, riding a bike. It's very easy if you learn that young. I am ethnic chinese and did my baby and primary school years in Hong Kong. I don't remember ever not using chopsticks. I would believe that, if you are taught correctly, you can use it earlier than a knife. (Not spoons or forks, they are easier). Oh and if it hurts, you are doing it wrong. A plate of rice is eaten with a spoon. A bowl of rice is with chopsticks. For example.

See a Japanese school lunch, and kids using chopsticks.
justbento.com/school-lunch-in-Japan

Growing up like this, ofc it's impossible to not know. But we are in the UK. You'll have to make an effort to learn to use chopsticks. This is like driving. A lot of people can't drive here. But everyone can drive in NZ. It's not british are lazy wrt driving. You just don't have the opportunity or environment for it. (Oh and learning driving at 15 does help. I was never scared and passed in 10 hours of lessons. And then proceed to hit the car in front of me at the lights on my first day out)!

Once you do get the hang of using them. you'll also find that they're convenient to use in the kitchen.

I collect take away disposable chopsticks and keep them in my cutlery drawer so that when I need to retrieve DH's stuck toast in the toaster, I simply grab a pair of chopsticks from the drawer and poke away in the toaster without fear of electrocuting myself.... they're also good for mixing liquids and beating eggs for omelette or scrambled eggs (chopsticks are easier to clean than a whisk or a fork)... you can also use them to direct the flow of liquids when you're pouring things out of a bowl or something with a very small spout - put the chopstick up to the rim or spout of your bowl and tip the bowl so the liquid comes out. The liquid will follow the chopstick and go wherever you point the chopstick and not just down the side of the bowl.

Thank you for the feedback. I absolutely hate that I feel this way but I've wanted out of this relationship for a year now so I don't know why and how I'm still here after all this time and indeed getting the rage over (seemingly) the most innocuous of things. We've just grown apart over the years. He doesn't see this but then again he's never really 'listened' to me which has brought us to this point. I've tried in vain over the years but he just doesn't listen to me. I now swing between telling myself to get a grip as a cup left by the sink instead of in the sink won't end the world and thinking him inconsiderate for not putting it in the fucking sink or just washing the cup.

I know he will laugh at me again when I go through my list of what he's done but I'm not bothered anymore. I find myself getting tense at hearing his key in the door in the evenings and this is no way to live. I really do thank my lucky stars that all we have to contend with is a tenancy agreement & joint account. I'm all too fully aware of the nightmare scenarios that many people face when going through a break-up or divorce.

I'm happy to get back to the discussion on the chopstick habits of MNetters.

Chopsticks are really useful. If you can't eat with them, don't despair, they are great for loosening debris in a clogged sink, they are good for fishing out a stray magnet from under the fridge, they make fabulous building materials for all manner of school projects, add a handkerchief for an instant flag. They are safer than knifes for getting ice off a freezer and if sharpened make a formidable weapon. They can be used as knitting needles, too. Did I forget any purposes?

OP I agree this isn't about the chopsticks.

You don't need to reel off a list of reasons if you don't want to. Especially if he doesn't listen to you. I think a simple "I don't want this any more" would be much more powerful tbh. If you really want to elaborate then "You don't listen to me. You don't support me. You don't treat me as an equal."

You're right that this is no way to live. If you have the option of moving back with your parents then don't feel you have to hang around in that flat. You could move out whenever you are ready, even if it means you pay rent for a few weeks when you aren't there. Good luck

I need to retrieve DH's stuck toast in the toaster, I simply grab a pair of chopsticks from the drawer and poke away in the toaster without fear of electrocuting myself

Yes, the toast tong. I do that too for the pair I kept in the kitchen for cooking. You can see the ones sold by lakeland isn't that different from a pair of chopsticks.

www.lakeland.co.uk/14236/Magnetic-Toast-Tongs

I know he will laugh at me again when I go through my list of what he's done

Then don't go through it. Just say you're not happy and you want to finish things. And if he sits there demanding "reasons", you just say "no".

Yes why the hell should you give reasons if he'll just laugh at them.

You could also say "I have my reasons but you don't take me seriously so there's not much point going through them."

The only reason you have to give to want out is that you want out.

It doesn't matter if anyone else would be happy in your shoes or not. If you are not happy, then you are not.

Just read the whole thread. Your partner is a twat. I wouldn't tell him you're off Id just go back to parents when tenancy is up. So what if you leave Jim in the lurch he should stop being an arse. Next time he brings up the nearly fire say "Darling if I wanted to burn this place down there'd be a fireman sitting where you are now" unless he is a fireman of course!
If Id been out with this couple and she'd told me I was uncultured Id have said "well I can learn to use chopsticks but you can't unlearn being a cunt" and left but im a mouthy git who can't use chopsticks either.

Him not Jim stupid autocorrect!