AIBU to think there are few worse crimes on here than to be the OW

[OnADarkDesertHighway]

I think there are criminals who have been convicted of horrific offences who would get a better reception on here than OW do.

Personal attacks might be throwned upon but OW seem fair game. Cunt is a common insult to call OW and hardly anyone objects.

Yeah it is shitty to fuck another woman's bloke but no insult is off limits.

I do not believe some hardened criminals would be in receipt of the level of abuse OW get. Nor do the DH/DP's get anywhere near as much condemnation as the OW do.

Nah, I can't agree. If a woman shags a man she knows is involved with someone else she's a vile fucking cunt, and I'd tell her so too.

I'm not a fan of the word cunt. I much prefer whorebagtroll to be fair. There are words for the man too, but we seem to be talking about other women here.

"When a male poster reveals that he is being cheated on then responses tend to focus on the best way forward etc and whether the marriage can be salvaged or whether it would be more desirable to separate but responses don't tend to focus on the OM and what a despicable/heartless/evil person he must be"

This is so obviously true I'm not sure how anyone here could in all conscience deny it. There is a glaring double standard.

Fwiw, when it happened to me, I had a coffee with the OW (who was most certainly not a cunt because she had no clue he was not single) and gave her a lift to the clap clinic because she didn't drive and we figured getting checked out was a wise move.

But if you are ridiculous and selfish and cannot control yourself enough to keep your penis or vagina to yourself whilst out and about then you quite possibly need to learn a bit of control. I do feel just as strongly about men who behave like that as I do women.

Even worse if you have no decency about it and are rubbing it in your ex's and childrens faces at every opportunity really quickly afterwards and expecting them to be cool with it because your happiness is so important that nobody else's matters or has the right to judge you,then I think your worse than a cunt.

There was a thread on here the other day about a woman who had slapped the face of a man making perverse comments to her, she got her arse handed to her on a plate about her criminal conduct and that's a crime that wouldn't even get a LRO or anything more than comunity reparation so I'm not sure it is true that people judge criminals as better

I agree there are crimes that are far worse than being 'the OW', still think they deserve to get called out on their behavior though.

I do remember a recent thread where the male poster was being cheated on, not for the first time, by his dp. Iirc most posters told him to ltb - that she was royally taking the piss. I don't think anyone was telling him how to go forward within the relationship because it was just so obvious that she was behaving like a total skank.

Sure, but there were no choice words to describe the OM.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2508862-Wife-having-affair?pg=1

Recent thread by a male OP whose wife was having an affair - not a single mention of the other man in any of the replies.

Most of these people haven't just "jumped into bed". It's far more complex than that and the culmination of a series of events over a long period of time. usually events they thought they had control over, until the time they didn't No one is saying stay in a loveless realstionship, but be honest about it and don't shag around until the first relationship has ended. affairs are just sordid, cowedly and carried out by self centred fuckers, whilst you might fall in love with another persons partner you DO NOT act on it..just basic decency really, if you do act on then yes you are an utter selfish cunt imo.

I think that's easy to say from the outside Onepot, but if it's happening to you it's not that clear cut.

You're miserable for whatever reason and get a chance at some happiness. Being honest would break up a family (or two) but if you can keep it secret, maybe no one gets hurt? It's not right or good, but I do think it's done with some good intentions in some cases. Sometimes, the sacrifice is staying and not pursuing your own happiness completely.

The thing is though Jump, is that people are hurt by affairs even when they never find out that an affair has gone on. The behaviour and attitude of the cheater alters - their focus is not on serving the best interests of their spouse and kids! It is possible to be damaged by something, without actually knowing that you are being damaged. A secret affair is not a victimless crime iyswim.

I also don't buy that affairs just happen. At some point people make choices - they decide to pursue something that they know to be a betrayal of their spouse.

Well it's all relative to one's own experience isn't it? OWs get such a hard time here because a fair proportion of us have directly suffered at the hands of one. Whereas not many of us, thank goodness, have suffered directly at the hands of a murderer.

Also, most OWs and OMs who defend their position haven't been found out yet. Things tend to be slightly less rosy when that happens.

Of course they are LetGo, but when you're being pulled in all directions, you don't appreciate that. You're genuinely trying to do the best you can to keep everyone happy, at the same time as trying to snatch a bit of happiness for yourself.

I agree people make choices, but the wrong ones early on can leave you in a situation you can't control. We all make poor decisions in all aspects of our lives everyday. Why should the ones relating to relationships be easier to get right?

I am not a fan of OW but I am realistic to know that

1. The grass sometimes will be greener
2. A leopard sometimes will change their spots.

I think ow get the blame from a lot of wronged partners because they can't comprehend that their DH/DP could do such a thing.

jump I don't think the cheater and OW/ OM are normally thinking about trying not to hurt their families If so they would keep pants/knickers on. Or they could be kind/honest to the current partner and leave, taking responsibility. I think they are generally having their cake and eating it or just testing things out to make sure the new relationship works for them before they jump ship = ie collosally selfish, whatever excuses and violins they try to trot out

shiny - its hard to get your head around your partner cheating but you might at the same time wonder what sort of arsehole shags a married person with kids. as others have said, not mutually exclusive thoughts

I've known of three relationships IRL over the past three months which have involved cheating- some married, some not, some had kids, some not, all living together. Every one of them it was the woman who cheated and there wasn't much chat about the respective Other Man in each case. There was no discussion about how that person "owed" anything to the cheated-on man, there was no responsibility put on him for his part in the whole sorry affair. In forums where there's a more even gender divide you'll often see the same thing- posters' ire and disgust is mostly reserved for the female spouse who is cheating.

Compare that to the way women talk about other women- whore, slag, spunk bucket, bitch, betrayer of her own sex. It's like men, well, they're expected to want to shag about, but we as women must not expose them to temptation! Oh fuck off. Some people just cheat, and if it wasn't that person it would've been someone else. Maybe not that year or the year after, but it would've happened. The idea of fucking someone who's married with kids makes me feel ill, but not because it means I'd be failing in my apparent female duty to act as the guardian of men's chastity and Other Women's Feelings. It's because someone who's prepared to do that on his family is obviously a cock and has more Big Issues than your average homeless dude.

As men were previously the breadwinners in most homes, divorce was uncommon prior (and came with a lot of stigma) until the 1960's, it's hardly surprising women traditionally find it easier to assign blame to someone else other than their spouse. It's a coping mechanism to make it easier to forgive your partner and gives an avenue for all that rage you must feel after something like that. A bogeywoman.

Jump, it is also a myth that only desperately unhappy people cheat. Quite often it happens because people are a bit bored and fancy some excitement, because it's easy, because they feel entitled on some level. They have no intention of leaving their families - family life suits them.

If someone is desperate to do the right thing, then it's really not that hard - just be honest and respectful.

True. I have been on the receiving end a number of times. I tend to choose the wrong men! Charmers but incapable of faithfulness.

Oh please, apples and oranges OP, you're conflating two separate things. Does having a low opinion of OW mean that I can't have an equally low opinion of people who commit certain crimes? Of course I can and I do!

Given that that mumsnet provides an online community for women (and men) to discuss things that they personally experience, not surprisingly personal relationships are a common topic and that includes infidelity. Frankly I think anyone who cheats on their partner is an arsehole and anyone who is happy to be a part of a cheating pair is also an arsehole. I think criminals (depending on the nature of the crime) are arseholes too. Happy now OP?

Oh it's you again, OP.

Anyway the biggest crime is smiling at honey or something like that.

The devastation caused to children doesn't interest you.

^I have also seen people in bad, unhealthy relationships who have had an affair with someone they have gone on to be in a healthy, long-term relationship with.

I am only working from a very small sample of people I know, but my experiences have led me to agree with the OP and have sometimes been left very uncomfortable with diatribes against OW on here.^

I totally agree with the statement above. I think that there is a core of posters here projecting their shit onto everyone else. Plus, I think most threads involving cheating are started by trilolls and goady fuckers who get off on winding those saddos up. It is incredibly predictable, childish, and honestly pathetic.

So, the people who get upset by OW (or people pretending to be OW) are saddos ?

That's nice to know.

Italics fail

Kudos to the poster who I quoted - river? Spot on.

"those saddos"

That is very odd way to describe posters on MN who have been hurt.