AIBU to think there are few worse crimes on here than to be the OW

[OnADarkDesertHighway]

I think there are criminals who have been convicted of horrific offences who would get a better reception on here than OW do.

Personal attacks might be throwned upon but OW seem fair game. Cunt is a common insult to call OW and hardly anyone objects.

Yeah it is shitty to fuck another woman's bloke but no insult is off limits.

I do not believe some hardened criminals would be in receipt of the level of abuse OW get. Nor do the DH/DP's get anywhere near as much condemnation as the OW do.

jump i agree relationships breakdown. I agree there is no point in staying in an unhappy relationship. But there is no excuse for having an affair and keeping secret so as not to hurt an innocent partner is just a crappy thing to do because the chances of it staying secret are bloody slim. Its like saying its okay to steal because you want an item but can't afford it so its okay to have it anyway, because hey the insurance will cough up so there is no victim. Take this example A and B are married. A and B have children, they work, they don't have much time together, they slowly little by little drift apart. A meets C and there is in attraction. A finds that a little part of them, which has lain dormant for the last few years starts to twinkle again, A and C not only get on well but they start to unburden themselves on each other. At this point A and B need to sit down and chat, they need to look at what it is that is missing from their relationship. If their relationship is becoming harder to sustain then its time to part comapany. Then A and C can be together. No sneaking around, no cheating no lying. Yes B maybe upset but not humilated. But if A & C start shagging behing B's back, that is unacceptable, it is cowdly because A wants to have their security with B but wants to fun with C. To whom does it benefit? Certainly not B, in the short term A and C may get a bit of an adrenaline kick, but A's behaviour will be alterted at home, but they might not know it, or more likely they do know it but wont admit it. Guilt can cause very unpleasant behaviour and in with the guilt will be a growing sense of resentment and unease.
I am in no way saying it is the OW it could just as eaily be the OM. But cheating is shitty Regardless of it being the man or the woman, and it is unnecessary. (Fwiw my first long term partner cheated on me, i didnt blame the OW but i wish he had just be honest and told me he didnt love me anymore it would have been so much easier for everyone, but according to him he didnt want to hurt my feelings (oh so that's okay then just keeping shagging someone else !) he was of course a selfish prick and she was welcome to him.

I think there is a lot of denial about the effects on children of a marriage ending this way.

Some is self inflicted hurt. Some is not.

I can have compassion for anyone hurting, but it's harder when it's as a result of a person's own actions. Those that know the bloke is partnered with a family, that is.

I don't have many soft n fuzzy feelings towards them either, but I'd never call someone a whore, skank or a slut. That's equally pretty fucking damaging to this 'sisterhood' everyone keeps banging on about.

It's just all part of this women-blaming attitude, where men should never take 100% responsibility for their actions in sexual relationships. Blame the wife- "she wasn't giving him enough sex, "she nagged him"' "she put the kids before him", "she let herself go". Blame the OW- "She tempted him," "She listened to him", "She paid him attention", "She made it obvious she was up for it, he couldn't say no when it was on a plate".

He's just a dick. End of. It was only a matter of time.

LineyReborn, what's your point? don't split up?

Many years ago I got involved with a fantastic guy, very kind, attentive, funny, considerate and affectionate. I thought he was amazing and loved bring with him. I worked away alot so we saw each other only when I was back in my him city.
I found out 3 months down the line that he was married with 2 kids. I had returned home earlier than expected without letting him know, as a nice surprise. I saw him out in a cafe with a woman and children and just knew they were a family. They didn't see me and I left immediately.

I felt sickened. When I confronted 2 days later on our planned fate, he came out with with the usual rubbish of they were separating and she didn't "get" him like I did.
I walked out there and then and never spoke to him again. I was the OW, albeit unwittingly. I still think I was a cunt, a much younger, less experienced and naive one who didn't spot or pick up on flags. I would have been a much bigger cunt if I had continued with the relationship.

My point? Don't blame the man or woman left behind dealing with the aftermath for the effect all the duplicity is now having on the children. The children were cheated on too. The shock is real.

Apologies for my typos galore in that post.

weeonion I can't see that you did anything remotely approaching cuntish behaviour. OW who do not realise they're OW are not to blame for anything. I don't think any of us does a full background check every time we date someone.

Exactly. We mostly start new relationships in good faith. If a new guy says he's single or separated then why wouldn't you believe it? Why would you consider yourself a can't for being duped into wasting your time on an unavailable man? You're the victim of his duplicity, not the reason for it.

Those were two separate points I was making there, but kudos for the creative copy and pasting.

I look back and realise I chose not to see the signs. I had never been to his place - we always stayed at mine, at my friends or away on holidays / trips. I never met his family / parents / friends but he did buy gifts for his "niece and nephew" to bring back (I even bought some gifts for them) and loved that he was a devoted uncle. We mainly texted / messaged due to our jobs and he regularly wasn't able to take my calls due to his work schedule and had 2 phones.
The signs were all there.....

Yes but you hit the eject button.

I agree, OP.

I think an affair is only ever the business of those in the marriage or relationship and it is too easy to blame a mother woman than look closely at why your marriage has come unstuck.

It's a particularly unsophisticated reaction IMO.

Few people are all good or all bad.

*shitbags

Christ, there are some right shitbacks knocking about MN this evening.

Another woman. Bit Freudian, that!

Because any forum were there is strength of feeling will become more radical in its opinions.

You felt validated in your own opinions because you are meeting other people who feel the same. The positive side of that is the support the negative side is you end up egging each other on and calling another woman a cunt

There will become a "mainstream opinion" and increasingly less people will put an opposing opinion as they will not want to be flamed.

Sorry but ow are fucking twunts

Olive, yes it was a bit Freudian. What about those pesky kids, eh?

Olive, I'd like to congratulate you

It's a rare gift to be able to convey victim blaming and utter disdain for a devastated person's feelings in so few sentences.

I know some pesky kids who get on fine with the OW because all the adults involved behaved like actual adults and took responsibility for their actions.

I also know one pesky child who regularly pulls his drunk mother sobbing out of the bath where she retreats ranting about the OW and behaving like a self-indulgent victim.

I think those are extremes but I think demonising one person is a little simplistic.

You know a lot, Olive.