AIBU to think there are few worse crimes on here than to be the OW

[OnADarkDesertHighway]

I think there are criminals who have been convicted of horrific offences who would get a better reception on here than OW do.

Personal attacks might be throwned upon but OW seem fair game. Cunt is a common insult to call OW and hardly anyone objects.

Yeah it is shitty to fuck another woman's bloke but no insult is off limits.

I do not believe some hardened criminals would be in receipt of the level of abuse OW get. Nor do the DH/DP's get anywhere near as much condemnation as the OW do.

Most people who cheat don't leave their spouse for the other person so the OW or OM is taking quite a risk. As to why some do it, sometimes people do then marry - it can be a way to get someone very rich, steal him away from another woman. It happens all the time.

I have never cheated or been cheated on but I have spoken to a lot of people on all sides in these things.

He told me his marriage was over and he was moving out and did within weeks of anything romantic between us. But it matters not one jot to his ex. She chooses to ignore all that was wrong with their marriage and focus on just the last few days because it absolves her of any wrong doing

spoken like a true OW. You assume that the ex has done something wrong because it's easier to believe she's somehow a bad person and therefore deserves what has happened to her. Your partner may well have told YOU that his marriage was over but I would put money on him never having bothered to tell his wife that. At least until the day he met someone else and decided to move.

Please don't get me wrong, I totally accept that my marriage was far from perfect and that I had a part to play in that. But it wasn't me who cheated, despite how lonely I felt in the later years (probably because my ex was sleeping with other women during that time....chicken/egg?), it was my ex who made the decision to lie and cheat and treat me worse than something he had scraped off his shoe. That says way more about him than it ever could about me.

Cannotlogin...you got in before me and I echo what you say for you.

Monster...he left his family for you, which you justify by "not doing anything" with him until he did. However, you had a huge and active role in that. Yet a decade on, you still blame the ex-wife

Bizarre.

I wonder how much blame was put on me by the ex. I know I really shouldn't worry about what others think but I can just imagine his reasoning with the OW over why he needed to leave me: "she is emotionally devoid"; "she rarely wants sex"; "she doesn't miss me"... He actually told me all of those things as he was leaving so I'm sure as hell he had told her the exact same things before and after he left me.

No relationships are perfect and I can readily admit where I went wrong but to have further blame placed on top of that, by someone who accused me of cheating and then...

It seems I'm having a ranty day . Apologies.

Yes, yes, I am a true OW - got the scarlet letter and everyfink. Hester Prynne, me.

I can't know who said what and certainly other posters on here haven't got a clue. What I do know is that in our marriage when he's had an issue he has come to me and we worked it out. And that he listens to me. He made a mistake and yes, she got hurt. He does and probably always will feel very guilty about it (as do I). But people aren't perfect. People do make mistakes. And no, I don't think being as nasty as possible to people you don't know is helpful in a forum where all parents are supposedly welcome.

Monster lucky you can laugh about it isn't it? Perhaps you'd like to have a laugh with my kids and the wider family about how hilarious it all is.

Fucking hell.

city

TheFormid yeah my original post was not a post on step mothers, it came up during the thread. Lots and lots of threads evolve from the original post.

Sansoora if you suspect I have reason to be pretending to myself you suspect wrong. My comments on step mothers were general.

Monster affairs rarely occur where both parties are happily married IME.

Where I do disagree with you is on his ex. She is justified in having a problem with her ex leaving as a result of meeting you regardless of the state of their marriage beforehand.

I ain't throwing stones at you from a greenhouse but while he remained her husband she was entitled to expect him to not cheat on her. Understandable if she's fucked off he went off with you.

Thanks mistress! (that sounds a bit wrong but thanks)

No one on MN has ever had an affair. Given the large MN membership, it is amazing that all the faithless DH/DPs out there can find anyone to shag

He made a mistake and yes, she got hurt. He does and probably always will feel very guilty about it (as do I). But people aren't perfect

the other, very common, trait of people involved in affairs is the inability to say 'sorry' and mean it. You are trying to justify your actions - poor you, you feel guilty. How about actually owning that and recognising the damage - the very real damage - that having an affair has caused to the countless women who post here?

Why is it so hard to say 'I did something awful. I doubt you deserved it. I will do my best to be a kind and loving parent. to our children. I will not try to take more than I already have.'? What is lost by having some humility and an acknowledgement of the pain your actions are causing in other people?

There is another very good reason not to demonize the OW. In my father's case, he went onto marry her so she has been around for about 15 years ongoing and, she is, whilst not my mum at all, a person I love, care about, have a relationship with, after the initial hurt has died down.

I actually like my dad's OW a lot as a person, I think it was better him and my mum split up as she is much better for him, although the devastation at the time was huge.

She is a family member, not at all similar to my mum, but a family member nevertheless.

I think it's a myth that people only have affairs if they are unhappy in their relationship. An affair is an ego boost, an escape from the mundanity of work and responsibility. People cheat because it makes them feel good and because they are too selfish to put their spouse and kids first - on some level they feel entitled to their bit of fun. They don't necessarily have to be unhappy in their marriage, they just have to feel that they wont ever get caught!

I agree with Let. Plenty of couples are just trotting along, no longer hugely in lust but doing okay. Then the wife or husband gets caught in a huge lust-fest with someone else. If the other men or woman had rejected all advances (I often reject advances from married men which means things never get started - I don't get any reward for that but I think it's morally right) then nothing would have come of it. Sometimes they leave their spouse remarry and find their mistress after the second babies come is as dull as the first wife but now they are all impoverished with two families they cannot afford and 2 houses to keep and usually the second wife requires more help with the children than the first one so life can be worse for the man never mind the lack of money.

Sometimes there really was an awful first marriage but then why not just divore, live apart for a year or two to help children adjust and then look around for someone new? No one forces you to pull your pants down and get on with the sex bit when still married.

Sometimes and this is usually men they will be after anything in a skirt their whole lives and in fact often love their wives too and want to stay married and some women tolerate that particularly if he's rich or the wife turns a blind eye. That is a different category again.

Anyway m ost people who cheat don't leave their spouse for the other person so it's a risky business to hope you can entice someone away.If you get pregnant and he's a decent man he might be more likely to leave his wife which is a nasty nasty tactic some other women go in for - the pregnancy thing by "mistake".

Most affairs are about opportunity not wickedness. So if you never spend a night apart it is unlikely your spouse will cheat. If they are away on business regularly or late at the Christmas party or serve in the forces or drive a long distance lorry or whatever it is there is a higher chance they will cheat. The cases where the wife and children are parked in the country and the man spends the week in London are the classif adultery scenario. If sunny Jim wants the chidlren to look at sheep then let him stay out in the country whilst you have the break from the family by working in the city.

My ex worked away often. Sometimes weeks at a time towards the end of the relationship so there was ample opportunity. I trusted him so didnt think anything of it. When clearing out my stuff from the house I found a card for a swingers club where he had been working. He denied it was his. So why keep it? I was the one not communicating?! Sorry but if he wasnt getting enough then he could have talked and possibly stopped working so damned much, coming home late at night. Thats if he was working...

I think it's a myth that people only have affairs if they are unhappy in their relationship. An affair is an ego boost, an escape from the mundanity of work and responsibility. People cheat because it makes them feel good and because they are too selfish to put their spouse and kids first - on some level they feel entitled to their bit of fun. They don't necessarily have to be unhappy in their marriage, they just have to feel that they wont ever get caught!

I would agree. I think there are so many situations where one partner got a bit bored and fed up with their responsibilities and an opportunity came along for something different. To me that does make them spineless fools. But what I can't get my head around is why someone would pursue or encourage a person in that situation.

OW and OM should just take note: if someone is married take a hike.
Yip. Simple really. No arguments about whether he or she was sniffing around you, yes they may have been but you get to say "no" (and if they cheat on their parter they will eventually cheat on you too).
Stay away not matter how desperate you are how much you think you have found your soul mate (you probably haven't)!
Seriously tho people need to learn something called self control. Relationships aren't like candy - to take and eat when you feel like it.
Relationships take hard work and have there ups and downs, it's called life.
If a partner strays or someone takes up with someone's else's partner it's called "stupid". Because if you've done that you probably have no idea of the consequences of your actions and the mess you make, all for a fantasy that probably exists more in your head.
Sorry but truth it is stupid and if you are OW/OM you will get slated as you were a part of ruining someone else life. It's called "consequences". That's a fact.

my ex h was/is a serial cheater. He loved and loves me but also loves living life as a single man in many regards not just fidelity related
Eventually it became clear that this was always going to be the case and I chose not to accept it

He had lots of reasons why he behaved as he did but never really tried to change or get the help that he needed.

None of this had to do with any of the OW. Maybe it had to do with us as a couple. Dunno and I am not going to spend any more time navel gazing about it
Stuff just happens I reckon it isn't the OW's fault imo/ime

On the bright side he is a brilliant father, they are the only thing he has ever truly committed to and he never shirks his responsibility toward them in any regard
I have much more respect and regard for him now because of how utterly reasonable, respectful, present and helpful he is regarding the children

What about if they claim to be polyamorous? An excuse for being able to cheat?

If both spouses have agreed that then it's fine. If not then then it's not.

Polyamorous is fine if it's agreed at the start and both partners are into it. Not so much if someone gets married and neglects to share their polyamorous nature with their spouse!

But I do despise the OW my DH had a "thing" with. We have managed to save our marriage but it is no thanks to her. She knew he was married with kids and unless she is as stupid as she looks she must have realised he was lying to her too. I don't think they ever got as far as DTD but the emotional betrayal and the intent was there. My DC deserve to not have their world blown apart and I hope that is what they have got with me letting him stay. If DH finds the situation hard to live with at times he has only himself to blame.

I'm a bit of a traditionalist/prude. What if one partner is into poly and the other isn't?