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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to allow my DD17s boyfriend stay the night in her room

300 replies

budgiegirl · 15/11/2015 22:14

My DD is 17 and has a boyfriend aged 18 who she's been seeing for nearly a year.

She has asked if her boyfriend can stay the night, but my DH said no. I'd be ok with it, as I know they are taking precautions, and she's a sensible girl.

I do understand why my DH is unhappy about it, but I reckon he's just trying to pretend they don't have sex, even though he knows they do.

Is he BU or am I?

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/11/2015 09:27

I'd be ok with it, now. We said no to ds1 until he was 18, but now I think that was too rigid and will definitely allow it with our younger two, should they be in a relationship.

Jux · 16/11/2015 09:30

I didn't have sex in public either, that came much later when I was in my twenties and not from necessity Grin

There are always opportunities which aren't sleazy or dangerous.

scatterthenuns · 16/11/2015 09:36

Can I ask, what is wrong with facilitating a sex life?

Your late teenage children are sexual beings.

If you have instilled enough safety knowledge and good values upon them throughout their upbringing, you don't have to worry.

wigglylines · 16/11/2015 09:42

I would allow this, certainly.

It's about recognising my DD is becoming an adult, and not making her feel pushed out of her own home.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/11/2015 09:44

I do allow this.
It's her house too.

She's nearly 18.

Responsible and taking all the right precautions.
I'd much rather her be here than elsewhere.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 16/11/2015 09:45

I was a bit older but thought it was lovely when my MIL made up a nice double sofa bed for DP and I to stay in her living room over Christmas. It's nice to feel supported through these different stages in life. DD and DS would both be welcome to have boyfriends or girlfriends or friends stay over - I think I'd go with over 16 and a reasonably settled relationship of at least a few months and someone we'd met. Looking forward to next steps in life's journey and meeting and welcoming new people into our life and maybe family one day Smile Personally I kind of waited til I went to Uni and looking a bit like DD(16) may be similar ATM. I can see DS(14) asking someone out eg. to a movie or some such in the next couple of years. All fairly quiet here on this front just now!

scatterthenuns · 16/11/2015 09:48

My home is a family home. I don't consider teenage boyfriends/girlfriends as "family". Others might.

That's really sad.

Hypothetically, if you had to get a new partner, you'd want your children to accept him as family.

Its an outward statement to your child that they are less important than you (in the case I just hypothesized about).

Or, its a statement that you don't see her/his relationship as legitimate. And that is a sure fire way to ensure an estranged adult child.

scatterthenuns · 16/11/2015 09:50

Not being comfortable with your child over the age of consent having sex in a loving committed relationship is all about your own hang ups and nothing about good parenting.

Completely, 100% agree.

Dawndonnaagain · 16/11/2015 09:54

19 year old dd's boyfriend has been practically living here for two years. What they get up to over the age of consent is nobodies business but their own. As many others have said, this is not about the wellbeing of the young adult involved, it's about the insecurities of the parent.

Screaminlikeabanshee · 16/11/2015 09:54

I'm with the minority, would allow it for either boy or girl.

expatinscotland · 16/11/2015 09:57

'Hypothetically, if you had to get a new partner, you'd want your children to accept him as family. '

No. Because no one 'has to' get a new 'partner'. I wouldn't foist someone one on my kids and expect them to 'accept him as family' just because I am shagging him/going out with him.

And seriously, you're comparing this to a teenage boyfriend or girlfriend?

Some people go out with someone for 5 minutes and consider that person a 'partner'.

AnyFucker · 16/11/2015 09:59

My daughter is far from "estranged". Scare mongering silliness.

scatterthenuns · 16/11/2015 10:01

With all due respect, I think it is probably too soon to tell how your daughter will feel about your attitudes to her relationships and sex life AF.

titchy · 16/11/2015 10:01

AF I have the utmost respect for what you post on here, so can I ask, did you allow your dcs to have friends stay over? One of your objections was 'using the house like a hotel' - so presumably you didn't allow sleepovers? If you did I'm struggling to see the difference tbh.

'Facilitating your dcs' sex life' - do you allow boy/girlfriends into your dcs' bedroom during the day, or do they have to stay in the kitchen making small talk with you? If you do let them go to the bedroom then you're facilitating their sex life?

scatterthenuns · 16/11/2015 10:02

And seriously, you're comparing this to a teenage boyfriend or girlfriend?

Your teenager will consider their relationship just as legitimate, yes.

AnyFucker · 16/11/2015 10:04

You people that have teenage bf/gf "practically living" in your house ...

Why ?

I cannot think of anything worse than adding another moody, lazy, space-occupying, work-generating, responsibilty-generating, privacy-sapping individual to my household.

Recently my dd had a bf not in the best of situations. Very sad. Did I consider taking him on too ? Did my dd think she could even ask ? Not on your nelly. Incidentally, I liked him and despite being a nice lad in a bad place with his parents, he went on to cheat on my daughter and nearly send her off the rails.

How does that work then, when it all goes horribly wrong ?

Original poster
budgiegirl · 16/11/2015 10:05

I have to say, I'm surprised at how many posters would not allow it - I must be more liberal than I thought Smile.

I am a bit Hmm at posters who don't allow it because they don't want to have to chat to guests over the breakfast table. Does that mean that your DCs are never allowed guests (not GF/BF, but just regular friends) to stay over? I'd really hate to think my children couldn't have friends to stay at all.

OP posts:
Floisme · 16/11/2015 10:06

I'd allow it. I'm sure it will feel strange but they're nearly adults.

The housing and the jobs markets mean our kids are likely to be moving in and out of our homes well into adulthood. We need to get used to it.

AnyFucker · 16/11/2015 10:07

titchy I can count the sleepovers my children had when they were younger on the fingers of my hands, so no, in general I don't like people staying in my house. So shoot me.

And I suggest that when your children do get to the age where you have to make a decision about this, then get back to me Wink

AnyFucker · 16/11/2015 10:09

Scatter, I don't actually give it a thought. My kids know the rules, there is nothing dark or "relationship-destroying" about it. They will both be treated the same and we all know where we stand.

No decisions to be made about "is it serious enough", "are they responsible enough", "are they being coerced" etc

Boyfriends do not stay over. The End. It makes life much simpler Smile

Ragwort · 16/11/2015 10:11

19 year old dd's boyfriend has been practically living here for two years - that's fine if it suits you and the rest of your family - personally I can't think of anything worse than having my adult child plus their partner living in my home. What does your DH think about it, and any other children you might have? I have a male friend who is sick to death of his teenage children and their boy/girl friends being 'at home' all the time whilst his wife fusses over them all and says things like 'it's so wonderful to have so many young people in our home'. He is too cowardly to say anything - they all go on holiday together as well and he hates it.

I would be seriously encouraging my DS to leave home if he wanted to live with a girl friend, and yes, I do know it's harder for young people these days etc etc but by giving him every home comfort and enabling him to 'enjoy' his sex life at home is not really making him independent is it?

titchy · 16/11/2015 10:11

AF - that's fine - your objection then is really to non-family member staying over full stop - which is fine.

Mine are at that age btw - just not yet had any relationships that lasted more than a few weeks!

Hotpatootietimewarp · 16/11/2015 10:12

I don't know yet as am not at that stage but I wasn't allowed boyfriends to stay over and I just accepted that tbh, and my relationship with my parents is no worse for it. I was of the impression that once they pay their own bills and have their own roof then they do what they like. Surely at the end of the day what some people are comfortable with in their house others might not be in their own, horses for courses and all that

Like I say though I'm not even thinking about that yet, dirty nappies and sleepless nights take up too much thought space at the minute Grin

scatterthenuns · 16/11/2015 10:12

So AF, at what point will they be allowed to stay over, never mind in the same bed?

When your DD is X age?
When they have been in a relationship for X years?
When she is engaged? (ifs implied)
When she is married?
When she is suitable committed as an alternative to marriage?
When she has children?
Never?

Psycobabble · 16/11/2015 10:13

Hmmm I was allowed my first bf to stay over (16/17) not all the time because parents up early for work etc and not wanting another teenager lolling about and adding to the general chaos! I respected this and liked the fact I was allowed to have him stay over .

On nights he wasn't allowed ( which was most nights in the week) I certainly wasn't shagging him outside . That came in my twenties Grin

I'm not sure how I would feel about ds having a girlfriend stay over in the future I guess I will decide at the time what is right dependant on the situation

I don't think there is a right or wrong here or a need to question other peoples stance on it

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