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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to allow my DD17s boyfriend stay the night in her room

300 replies

budgiegirl · 15/11/2015 22:14

My DD is 17 and has a boyfriend aged 18 who she's been seeing for nearly a year.

She has asked if her boyfriend can stay the night, but my DH said no. I'd be ok with it, as I know they are taking precautions, and she's a sensible girl.

I do understand why my DH is unhappy about it, but I reckon he's just trying to pretend they don't have sex, even though he knows they do.

Is he BU or am I?

OP posts:

jorahmormont · 17/11/2015 12:09

Better sex education is definitely needed. We had one lesson when I was in Year 8 I think, which was essentially "Don't have sex. If you do have sex, don't have an abortion" (not a religious school in the slightest, either) and then nothing more whatsoever. However, my parents were excellent with sex education for us, and very open... and I still had an unplanned pregnancy at 19 (that situation is quite complicated though and wasn't just a case of "let's have unprotected sex for funsies") - despite apparently not being "the sort of girl you expect" to get pregnant unexpectedly (sensible, doing very well in school, ambitious etc).

Again it'd be really great if we could stop this assumption that everyone who gets pregnant before they're 25, married and own their own home does nothing but force their parents to raise the baby and pay for everything...

SirChenjin · 17/11/2015 12:16

I don't think there is an assumption of that kind at all - often quite the opposite on MN.

Sex education has certainly progressed massively and certainly up here there is a greater focus on relationships from a very early stage of the curriculum - still far too much freedom in terms of how religious schools teach it though imo.

SirChenjin · 17/11/2015 12:17

Meant to highlight that first paragraph

jorahmormont · 17/11/2015 12:22

I've seen a few times on the thread, though - "If you're happy to raise your grandchildren" etc (I'm paraphrasing as there's too many pages to go through). Of course there will be some families where that will be the dynamic that works best for everyone, but it's by no means all, or even most, where that happens.

SirChenjin · 17/11/2015 12:39

No - but equally there are plenty of threads where posters are horrified by the thought that anyone would 'put their career before their family' or 'not support their teenager' or 'not give her the opportunity to continue her studies by not helping out'

jorahmormont · 17/11/2015 12:47

Oh absolutely I'm not denying that, and I roll my eyes at those threads too, my post was just because I've seen it a couple of times in this thread :)

Hotpatootietimewarp · 17/11/2015 12:51

sir agree. What with posters saying that we will have to share our homes with our children for longer due to house prices etc surely that applies to the fact that a lot of parents won't be able to just give up work and be childcare to continue studies or support their child financially should their teen or young adult have a child. I'll have to work till I'm dead as it is

SirChenjin · 17/11/2015 12:52

I see what you mean jorah

Me too Hot - I'll be carried away from my desk in a box at this rate

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 17/11/2015 12:54

DS is nearly 16 and Dd12 so we haven't come to this yet. I imagine if we get to know a GF or BF well then eventually they would be allowed to stay over.

Looking back I don't think I've ever had sex in my parent's house. Or PIL for that matter. DH and I have stayed over numerous times and shared a bed but the proximity of parents is off putting! Nor were my teens spent desperately finding places to have sex. I suppose I'm just not that rampant!

Hotpatootietimewarp · 17/11/2015 12:54

Definitely sir all the worry of state pension none of us are going to need it anyway!

Pigeonpost · 17/11/2015 12:56

My parents had the only row I can remember them having over this issue when I was the same age. It was horrendous. Dad refused to back down ever no matter what Mum said. My poor mum.

Ragwort · 17/11/2015 13:16

I know three women who are bringing up grandchildren, not because they want to at all but the alternative would be to put the grandchild into care and I can understand that would be a very, very tough situation. It has put a huge emotional and financial strain on themselves and their husbands (one of my friends is also caring for very elderly parents of her own ).

In all three cases the women had allowed their teenage children to have partners staying over, I am sure they had the sensible 'use contraception and any unwanted pregnancy is your responsiblity' but life doesn't always work out so smoothly and it must be hard to turn your back on your grandchild if your own child doesn't want to or can't take responsibility.

I know pregnancies can happen anywhere but it is yet another reason why I won't be encouraging my teenage DS to bring any sexual partners home.

Hotpatootietimewarp · 17/11/2015 13:33

ragwort yes I can see where you are coming from with how hard it would be to turn your back on a grandchild but a lot of families can't just give up work as some have mortgages/bills to pay others are already struggling with childcare for their own younger children etc

claraschu · 17/11/2015 13:53

I have discussed abortion with my children from early on. My view is that bringing a child into the world before you are really ready to take care of it is usually a very bad idea. (This is not to say that teenagers are not sometimes wonderful, happy parents whose lives are enriched by their children; of course that can happen.)

Raising a child is a huge challenge for anyone, even if the child is healthy, much wanted, and has 2 devoted parents, both of whom have fulfilling, well-paid jobs. A teenager who is single, with no qualifications and no job, who perhaps has a baby with additional needs has the odds stacked against her.

My children and their girlfriends say they would have an abortion if they got pregnant. Of course, who knows what they would actually decide to do if it really happened.

At least they have thought and talked about it. To me, that is part of being open and accepting about sex, and goes along with letting them have their girlfriends sleep over.

Janeymoo50 · 17/11/2015 14:06

My children and their girlfriends say they would have an abortion if they got pregnant.

Maybe discuss contraception with your CHILDREN instead of abortion.

expatinscotland · 17/11/2015 14:20

'I am amazed by how unacceptable it is on MN at least to say you would do everything possible to discourage your 16 year old from continuing a pregnancy. In my opinion, if you don't want a child and you are having sex, you should be ok with abortion.'

Eh? Why not use two forms of contraception then? Having an abortion isn't like going to the dentist. I teach mine, 'If you don't want a child, then you use two forms of contraception or don't have sex.' Not, 'Just go get an abortion.' WTF?

claraschu · 17/11/2015 14:24

OF COURSE I discuss contraception. Obviously. I talk about two forms and all the rest of it. The point about abortion is what to do if there is an accidental pregnancy, which apparently does sometimes happen (not ever to me or my children or their partners).

I thought that was clear.

I am perfectly well aware that an abortion is not like going to the dentist.

Kr1stina · 17/11/2015 14:40

There's a lot of young men out there saying

" it's not a problem if my GF gets pregnant , she's going to have an abortion "
Who suddenly discover that when it happens it's not that simple . And their GF may change her mind . Much to their indignation and protests about " lack of choice " and " my rights " .

Clearly some of them didn't follow the MN golden rule - once a man ejaculates inside a woman, he no longer has a choice over whether or not he becomes a father.

Please tell your sons that - saying " contraception is a good thing " isn't enough .

expatinscotland · 17/11/2015 14:42

'The point about abortion is what to do if there is an accidental pregnancy, which apparently does sometimes happen (not ever to me or my children or their partners).'

That's your opinion.

Ragwort · 17/11/2015 15:11

Hotpotato - not all of the three women have given up work to look after their grandchildren, as you say, they have mortgages/other children/responsibilities ................ they have to find child care (for a grandchild) . These are desperately sad situations. And one irresponsible DD went on to have another unplanned child.

It's far too easy to assume that someone will terminate an unplanned pregnancy. Who knows what any of us would feel in that situation.

Hotpatootietimewarp · 17/11/2015 15:51

I totally agree ragwort but the point I was trying to make was that if that were to ever happen to any of my DC we wouldn't be in a position to give up work and take on the responsibility of another baby.

I was 20 when my eldest came along (unplanned and not in my parents house just to keep it relevant!). I was still living at home and was told with no uncertainty that my parents would not be helping out with childcare or financially. They both worked full time and had little sisters below 10. No one took DD to give me a break and I had to put her in nursery and return to work after the 9 months ( was working before and after thankfully). Eventually I moved out as was far too crowded with me and a baby and little sisters etc.

jorahmormont · 17/11/2015 15:54

It's all well and good being adamant that you'll have an abortion if you have an unplanned pregnancy, but until you've been in that situation you have zero idea how you'll actually feel.

claraschu · 17/11/2015 17:53

Sorry Expat I worded that badly. I didn't mean to imply that everyone thinks that every unplanned pregnancy should lead to an abortion. I just meant that in MY discussion of abortion ("the point about abortion"... that I made) I was referring to the issue of what happens if contraception fails (unplanned pregnancy).

I never meant to imply that abortion should be used like birth control.

iwashappy · 19/11/2015 23:18

We had DS's then girlfriend stay with us a few times. They met at University and therefore didn't live anywhere near here so it was a bit of a different situation.

It was a few years ago now but it did feel a bit strange.

He's had a FWB when he's been back in the holidays this year (same girl) but he's not asked if she can stay over and I don't think I'd feel comfortable with her staying over.

DD (17) hasn't had a boyfriend yet so haven't encountered the scenario with her. I think she'd have to see any boyfriend for quite a while before I would feel okay about him staying over if at all

MsPavlichenko · 20/11/2015 00:05

It may not be like going to the dentist. Abortion is however a medical is procedure. Or it is if carried out safely, and legally.

Obviously contraception used properly is the best method of avoiding unwanted pregnancies, but (as I know) not fail safe.

My DD is 18, and I have allowed her to have a BF stay over. But, whatever works in your household is best.

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