AIBU to allow my DD17s boyfriend stay the night in her room

[budgiegirl]

My DD is 17 and has a boyfriend aged 18 who she's been seeing for nearly a year.

She has asked if her boyfriend can stay the night, but my DH said no. I'd be ok with it, as I know they are taking precautions, and she's a sensible girl.

I do understand why my DH is unhappy about it, but I reckon he's just trying to pretend they don't have sex, even though he knows they do.

Is he BU or am I?

You're definatley nbu. I'd allow my dd's boyfriend to stay over, with no qualms at all, but she's never asked.
The way I see it is. It's better under your roof than in a park somewhere plus your dd is 17 so legally you can't stop her.

I'd allow it. Purely because ime they won't be at it then anyway - they'll be at it when you're watching tv downstairs or doing the gardening or at the shops. Not in the middle of the night when they may disturb family members.

The peers I grew up with had a range of rules in their parents houses. The most amusing was a friend whos bed was in a seperate annexe of the property, with an outhouse and kitchen, dining and living room, 2 lots of stairs and her sisters room between her room and her parents. They'd spend all day in there uninterrupted, up to whatever they wanted then her BF would be frogmarched to the spare room at 10pm so they couldn't have sex...

My mum wasn't keen on my BF staying but as it happened due to a misunderstanding early on it never changed. In 6 years we only once had sex at night, when we were hammered. It was rather embarrassing and we never did it again. Same with now DH we would do whatever when they were out but never at night, couldn't enjoy it hammer and tongs so why bother haha probably why we've only had sex 10 times this year now we have DC...

There seems to be a lot of presumptions that it's the fathers that have an issue and why they have an issue when in all likeliness it's the same as many of the mothers on this site for example AF that perhaps want it to be a family home and feel comfortable and not have to put up with awkward meetings around the house and I'm the mornings, or worried about younger siblings But one or two posters give some ridiculous reason to make it look like they are just being petty and about "animal instinct" and wanting to pretend their daughters aren't having sex and people lap it up, also pretending it's one rule for daughters and sons it's ridiculous.

I'd say no like AF's reasons and just out of respect, I also believe scumbags will be scumbags be it in a house or on the "Heath" and I don't think there would be much difference between sneaking and the parents knowing considering a condition would surely not to parade the fact around and make it obvious(especially with younger siblings) ,so although there is an element of being allowed they would still be sneaking to some extent and therefore it may not help at all if they are in that mindset

Yeah, I don't do competitive laid backness. I will not be encouraging DD to have sex in our house by allowing her boyfriend over. Realistically, if she got pregnant at that age I would be the one forking over the money to help pay for the baby or abortion, which ever she chose.

My parents allowed it (my mum is a MNer so she may have already posted on this thread , I was 16 and had been with my boyfriend 3 months when he was first allowed to stay over. The boyfriend before that, who was an abusive prick, would never have been allowed because my parents didn't like him and I was fifteen, but my parents got on with my new boyfriend and I think definitely subscribed to the whole "better here than in a park" thing.

It was definitely seen as pretty shocking to all my friends, and I think when I got accidentally pregnant a couple of years later, some people said it was no surprise considering my parents "encouraged" it - despite me not even being at their house when I got pregnant (I was at uni, not in some bushes or a car park, promise ).
I would still have gotten pregnant, regardless of where I did it.

Okay, some teens are lovely moral whatsits who will say "Yes papa" and gaily skip to their bedroom and resume playing with their dolls until their father is happy to stop controlling her and accept that they can legally have sex (lighthearted klaxon, just in case anyone can't tell) but some will turn to shagging in secret. Not necessarily in the public toilets, but at their boyfriend's house or in the car, and sex will become a massive taboo. If my parents had banned me from having sex in the house, I'd have really struggled to tell them I was pregnant (and trust me, it wasn't an easy conversation anyway ) and I don't know whether I would have felt able to confide in them had I got something like an STD. No doubt someone will reply to me with "Well I KNOW my daughter will have no problems telling me if she is pregnant or has an STD", but you don't know it for sure. I'm pretty sure my mum would've said that a few years ago.

And no, my mum has never had to pay a single penny towards DD. All covered by me and my boyfriend (who is now DP).

Sorry that this is a long post but I think some of the parents who do let their DDs or DSes have boyfriends/girlfriends over are getting a bit of a hard time on here.

OP, would your DH have the same issue if it was a son wanting to bring his girlfriend home? Or if it was a same sex partner? Asking him might give you an idea of what it is he's concerned about so that you can try and find a solution you're all happy with.

The assumption is that the DD has chosen a 'nice lad' who you will enjoy cooking for and chatting to.

Obviously, regardless of how long they have gone out together, that is no guarantee.

BFs were allowed after DCs had left home and were having a long tem relationship with their DB/GFs - the friends got to meet us, they were there briefly, weekend or whatever and then went back to where they lived with the DCs.

As for having to shag out of doors or in cars - oh, boohoohoo.

Fathers who get freaked out by their near adult daughters enjoying sex are in the spectrum of 'my little princess' through 'I know his type because I was his type'. Some are so deep ingrained they cant see daylight.

The biggest risk to teenage girls is WHO they have sex with. Not where they have it .

An abusive BF will not become decent because you have provided a bedroom for him to abuse your daughter in . A decent man will not abuse her just because they are in a car on a deserted country road .

If you think it's all about " calling for help " , then you don't understand the dynamics of most abusive relationships

I never had breakfast with DD's over night boyfriend, toast in bed made by her and him sticking his head round the door to say goodbye was the norm.

I wish my son had brought girlfriends home, but doing drugs with his mates was more his thing.

I know what bothered me more.

Neither of my children, brought up pretty liberally, has been gagging to have sex with boyfriends or girlfriends in our house.

Sometimes teenagers are actually a bit relieved to have the brakes out on for them. Talking to other parents of teenagers, I often hear the same thing.

The more you see of someone, and the more you see of how your daughter reacts in his presence and immediately after he has left, the higher your chances of realising if the relationship is abusive. And the more likely your daughter is to feel able to talk to you about it.

So far, pretty much everyone who is against the idea of letting legal sexual adults in committed long term relationships share a room overnight is doing it for one of the following reasons:

• I don't like accepting that my child is now an adult
• I don't like talking to people in the morning
• I have a possessive, proprietary attitude towards my children and what is supposed to be their private space ('my house' 'under my roof', 'my' this and 'my' that)
• I'm sexually repressed myself so I don't see why my kid should get to have any fun
• It's all about who the partner is and I don't think that increasing how often I see the partner's effect on my kid increases my chances of spotting if he's abusive
• I know my kids and I know for sure they'd never have sex in public or in my house if I tell them not to. (I'm sorry, this one makes me laugh. Sorry. Sorry.)

These reasons are all naive at best and selfish at worst.

DD2 has been in a stable relationship with her BF for 18 months. He stays every weekend, and tbh is totally one of the family. I've welcomed him here, he is a lovely person; total cliche but I genuinely have gained a son. One that is kind, thoughtful, helpful, and got off the bus and walked for 3/4 to sit in A&E with me for 2 hours the other week. He was already there when I arrived, and he stayed with me until I went up to a ward.

I have no issues with either of my daughters having long term BFs stay over. I respect their choices, and I welcome them into our family.

Even at 17, I was not allowed to meet up with boys. I recall arranging to go to the cinema with a boy who was my age and my mum said I had to cancel!

I was never allowed boys to stay over and I left home at 25. From the age of 21, I was allowed to stay over at a boyfriend's house ago my mum had formally met.

When boyfriend's visited even when I was in my twenties, they stayed in the lounge.

I felt like a child until I left home. My friends were treated as young adults and I remember being envious of them. I would not mind but I was completely responsible.

My mum made me feel being interested in boys was somehow wrong when it was perfectly normal for a 17/18 year old. I saw sex as dirty for years, right up until I got married. The fact that I "partook" did not matter.

Another wildly untrue sweeping assumption sheba

Honestly most parents and most teenagers are not how you think they are.

Totally agree with Any Fucker - as I said on many previous threads about this subject - of course I know teenagers have sex, but as a parent it is not my responsibility to 'facilitate' their sex lives.

It's all so easy to say 'it's OK in a committed relationship' - who gets to decide that, do you say 'if you have been with your partner for X months' - my DSIL was very 'liberal' when DN bought her first boyfriend home, not so happy when the relationship ended and a new man/men were quickly on the scene.

My parents never permitted me to have boyfriends to stay - it hasn't affected my relationship with them at all and I fully respect their decision. I used to go back to a boyfriend's house for sex as his mother was very relaxed about it, but looking back I cringe at the memories of how we 'used' her hospitality and I think perhaps she was a bit desperate to keep her DS from leaving home so she never said 'no' to him.

I must be a terrible mother as my DD17 will never be having a BF to sleep over. I must be possessive, sexually repressed, forcing her to shag about in car parks, refusing her a safe space to dtd, blah,blah,blah.

Actually it's because she shares a room with her 12 yo sister.

open your mother clearly had a lot of issues. Why didn't you leave earlier?

I don't see it as facilitating a sex life, but as a way of avoiding late night taxis. With a pair of teens who know each other well, and are committed (as committed as you'd want them to be that is), I can't see the harm.

My approach is much like stratt's (or rather will be - ds is only 15 and only just starting to talk about girls at all).

DD was 17 and in long term relationship with a boy she had known since she was 11. He would stay over on the sofa bed in a downstairs room. We would go to bed leaving them watching a film .
I eventually said to her that if she wanted to stay downstairs with him in his bed it would be fine .
They have been together now for 17 years, married for 10 years and have 2 DC.

Not a problem

However DS bought random girl home and I was NOT happy.

Different rules ? I think not . One was disrespectful to the family home and the other wasn't .

3rd DC is a total secret squirrel ! We know nothin' .

All grown-ups now. But to me it depends on the circumstances.

I wouldn't allow it, no.

And I am confident my children are not "out having sex in public"

LOL my mum would have said the exact same thing.

I didn't have sex in public. Not all teenagers do.

I'm not at that stage yet, so don't know what I'd do, but LOL @ 'shag pad'.

Actually having sex 'in public'/back of a car/behind the bike sheds is probably a lot more exciting that in a bedroom next door to your parents' room - personally I can't think of anything worse.

DM let my Boyfriend stay in my room at this age. As she trusted me and us to be sensible. He is a yr older too. 15 yrs later and we're still together, married with two DC.