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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to allow my DD17s boyfriend stay the night in her room

300 replies

budgiegirl · 15/11/2015 22:14

My DD is 17 and has a boyfriend aged 18 who she's been seeing for nearly a year.

She has asked if her boyfriend can stay the night, but my DH said no. I'd be ok with it, as I know they are taking precautions, and she's a sensible girl.

I do understand why my DH is unhappy about it, but I reckon he's just trying to pretend they don't have sex, even though he knows they do.

Is he BU or am I?

OP posts:
abbieanders · 16/11/2015 22:04

Prompted by this thread, I asked my husband what he thought about letting this happens when the daughter is a teenager. He thought it was hilarious. The idea of getting some lad saying to us that his ma said we're to make sure he gets up for school and has clean jocks for the morning is just ridiculous.

AnyFucker · 16/11/2015 22:06

I am in need of a "bolt hole"

Isn't everyone ?

Seriouslyffs · 16/11/2015 22:24

Tinkly "Rather than encouraging them to pretend they would be well up for it, only their fuddy duddy olds don't let them have boys over. Tell them it's ok to say you don't want sex, no need for bolt holes."
Of course, I hope that when they're fully fledged they'll have the confidence to have sex with who they want where and when, but until
then I like giving them some excuses.

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 16/11/2015 22:31

They can still have the excuse that their mum won't allow it - even if she would. I've always encouraged ds to feel free to play the Mum card to get out of sticky situations ("Yeah, setting fire to those cans of Lynx would be sick, but I've got to get back or my mum's gonna kill me").

AnyFucker · 16/11/2015 22:42

I don't mind taking the rap for when peer pressure gets that little bit too unbearable Smile

It's what parents are for, aren't they ?

I think expecting 16/17yo's to always make the sensible decision is a tad over optimistic, tbh

Senpai · 16/11/2015 22:59

I haven't seen a single good argument on here for denying people over 16 a safe space foe consensual, committed sex with a partner their parents know

Because if they want to do adult things that will have adult consequences, then they need to act like real adults and get their own place. If they aren't responsible enough to live on their own, they're certainly not responsible enough to be having sex under my roof. Accidents happen. Until they're mature enough to handle an accidental pregnancy and how that will affect them, they aren't ready for sex at all.

Yes, kids go to the bushes. But they do it far less in the bushes than they would if they had a free bedroom with free reign to do whatever they want. I'm just lowering the odds in my child's favor.

Since it's my daughter, frankly she has more to risk than the boy whose body will be completely unaffected either way. If I had a boy, I'd do the same thing, because I wouldn't want another's daughter going through something as grueling and painful as an abortion or birth when they're not ready for it yet.

Original poster
budgiegirl · 16/11/2015 23:16

If they aren't responsible enough to live on their own, they're certainly not responsible enough to be having sex under my roof

Are you really saying that teenagers/young adults should be living together before they can have sex?

OP posts:
jorahmormont · 17/11/2015 06:20

It's impossible to say how someone of any age will handle an accidental pregnancy until it happens to them, actually. The most stable-seeming person in their late 20s could break down completely faced with an accidental pregnancy, and the ditsiest teenager could just tackle it head on.

Janeymoo50 · 17/11/2015 06:27

No under 18's would be shaggin in my house.....don't give two hoots about the age of consent.

TheComforter · 17/11/2015 09:55

If they aren't responsible enough to live on their own, they're certainly not responsible enough to be having sex under my roof

Sounds like the age of consent should be directly linked to the economy then!

ILiveAtTheBeach · 17/11/2015 10:13

I don't think many Dads would relish the thought of their (minor) daughter shagging in the next room. I wouldn't be happy with this.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 17/11/2015 10:19

My cousin was allowed her BF in her room, for sex. He got her pregnant and as soon as she told him, you didn't see him for dust. Guess who had to bring up baby - my cousins mum. Exact same thing happened with the neighbours daughers - two of them! The parents who are late forties now have 2 screaming babies in the house. The Dad is at his wits end, as he thought he would be free of responsibility now, you know, couples cruises and all that, but no, it's nappies all round. So, if you don't mind that risk, go ahead. I certainly wouldn't be going down that road!

SirChenjin · 17/11/2015 10:25

To be fair ILive - babies are conceived in all sorts of places, not just the bed Wink

Why is your cousin's mum and neighbour bringing up the babies? More fool them tbh.

Original poster
budgiegirl · 17/11/2015 10:51

It's interesting though, that in countries that are seen as fairly permissive regarding sex, such as the Netherlands, the rate of teenage pregnancies is around a quarter of the rate of countries that are seen as a bit more uptight, such as the USA and UK.

Of course, I know there's a lot more to it than whether boyfriends can stay the night, but research has shown that where the overall culture is more open, teenagers are far more likely to talk to their parents more about it, rather than sneaking about. Surely that can only be a good thing?

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 17/11/2015 11:01

Absolutely - there are a number of factors which makes teenage pregnancy rates lower in the Netherlands, but according to my Dutch friend whether or not teenage BFs/GFs get to stay over is still down to the parents - and plenty say no too.

claraschu · 17/11/2015 11:07

In addition to the very upfront, unembarrassed ongoing sex education in the Netherlands, I think there is a more general disapproval of teenage pregnancy. in Holland, sex is not dirty and embarrassing but being a parent is seen as something that should wait for financial and emotional stability.

I am amazed by how unacceptable it is on MN at least to say you would do everything possible to discourage your 16 year old from continuing a pregnancy. In my opinion, if you don't want a child and you are having sex, you should be ok with abortion.

As I have said before, I am happy for my 17 year old to have his lovely girlfriend stay with us, but I have had many tough conversations with all my children about their responsibility for birth control and the fact that boys have no say in whether a girl continues a pregnancy. My boys know that they have to talk about this with their girlfriends.

Stratter5 · 17/11/2015 11:07

I'd agree with that, budgie, both of mine are very open, and will/have discussed all sorts of things with me.

I think AF is also right, DD2 is very sensible, if she wasn't, I think I'd be more inclined to think as AF does. It's got to be taken on an individual basis, even with the same child. DD2's BF is one of the family, even DH has said he would be happy if he moved in. I'm sure we would not have been as welcoming if he'd not been quite such a good partner to DD - they are very obviously serious about each other.

SirChenjin · 17/11/2015 11:12

Agree clara

We are very open here and I had no problem providing condoms (the joys of working next door to the sexual health team) - but in addition to having the conversations about birth control we also made it very clear that any pregnancies were their responsibility. We were not prepared (or able financially) to give up work to take on childcare - something which many parents seem happy to do for their teenage children, and which I don't understand at all.

Cleansheetsandbedding · 17/11/2015 11:17

Yep your right budgie there is a lot more too it than whether your teenage daughter BF can sleep over.

I would like to bet it's down to better and earlier sexual education at school.

SirChenjin · 17/11/2015 11:20

Better and standardised education - with no wriggle-out options for religious schools (or anyone else).

Original poster
budgiegirl · 17/11/2015 11:39

I would like to bet it's down to better and earlier sexual education at school

I agree, but also maybe better and more open conversations at home as well. I do think many people in this country are still quite reserved about talking to their children and teenagers about sex. It shouldn't be just down to the schools, but parents need to take responsibility as well.

OP posts:
Janeymoo50 · 17/11/2015 11:42

But what about just waiting a while, what's this big rush to encourage 16 and 17 year olds to have sex in the room next door - I don't get it! I can't imagine ever having been ready for a sexual relationship barely past my mid teens. Do all the MNetters saying it's ok with them really want to hear/or know their teenage children having sex.

I know I'm going to be shot down, but I really am quite shocked.

Original poster
budgiegirl · 17/11/2015 12:00

It's not about it being a big rush to have sex. But whether I like it or not, my daughter is having sex. They didn't (to my knowledge) rush into it, this is the first time she has asked if he can stay over. I genuinely can't see what is to be gained by saying no.

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 17/11/2015 12:03

And that's fine - as parents we all make decisions that others might agree or not agree with because we can't see what can be gained by saying yes or no. It doesn't mean those whose decision is the polar opposite of ours is necessarily wrong - it's just different.

kerbs · 17/11/2015 12:04

I think that most mums want their kids to be safe and happy Janey

We may all have different ideas on how to achieve this, and all our children are different so we just do our best.

I believe that it's our job as parents to get our children as safely as possible, to an age where they are able decide things for themselves.

You can't hope for much more than that really.

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