AIBU to allow my DD17s boyfriend stay the night in her room

[budgiegirl]

My DD is 17 and has a boyfriend aged 18 who she's been seeing for nearly a year.

She has asked if her boyfriend can stay the night, but my DH said no. I'd be ok with it, as I know they are taking precautions, and she's a sensible girl.

I do understand why my DH is unhappy about it, but I reckon he's just trying to pretend they don't have sex, even though he knows they do.

Is he BU or am I?

I shall make my mind up about that at a later date

In discussion with her and her dad.

Teenage relationships (other than the successful ones detailed here) are notoriously short lived and often problematic. Does anyone deny that ?

I think my daughter (and when I look back on my own teen years, same for me) is in need of the safe space that her home provides. Inviting the boyfriend that cheated on her and made her very, very unhappy to "be a member of the family" by regularly sleeping over would have been the wrong thing to do. She would have had no boundaries and no retreat left at all from the chaos of it.

Don't people see that ?

'Your teenager will consider their relationship just as legitimate, yes.'

I didn't, when I was a teenager, and yes that included people I dated for more than a year. I still felt I was too young to be tied down to a 'partner'.

'Don't people see that ?'

No. A lot of people see anyone they date for more than 5 minutes a 'partner'.

How does that work then, when it all goes horribly wrong ? - I agree with that comment AF and no else seems to be addressing it.

Everyone seems to be assuming that these are sensible, serious, mutually respectful relationships - I know from the sort of boyfriends I had at 18/19 that I was far from sensible in my choice of male friends . I think the fact that I was not allowed to bring boyfriends home for sleepovers saved me from some very unpleasant mistakes.

Having a 'friend' over for a sleepover is quite different to having your child's sexual partner staying the night in your own home.

Those of you who have had such an 'open' relationships with your own parents - what sort of conversations do you have about your sex lives? I'll never forget the thread where a mumsnetter walked in on her ILs in the middle of their sexual activity .

We make them grow up too fast when we "legitimise" their relationships as fully-fledged adult ones. My daughter would not describe her (3 years in total, incidentally) as "adult".

You could actually be seen as removing their last safe space by allowing these (potentially very problematic) sexual relationships to have their boundaries removed. They need somewhere to retreat to. If that is gone...where do they go ?

I didn't, when I was a teenager, and yes that included people I dated for more than a year. I still felt I was too young to be tied down to a 'partner'.

Don't people see that ?

No, I don't see that. My experiences of teenage relationships (my own, my siblings, my friends) were incredibly positive. I was with my teenage boyfriend for 4 years. Yes, I knew it wasn't forever, but it was kind, loving and just as legitimate as any relationship I have ever had as an adult. I would be hurt very much, even now, if my parent were to suggest otherwise. It was one of the most positive experiences of my life, and I am eternally grateful to my parents for allowing him to be a part of our family.

I'm sorry if people have had opposite, negative experiences. That is, of course, terrible. And naturally, you will be wary of your child's exposure to similar. Completely understandable.

It's bizzare that folk actually give so much importance to the 17 year olds sex life...

At 17 you are not an adult, you have the mental capacity of a five year old and change relationships like the wind. My dd is 20 now and it never ruined her life that I never let her BF stay over.

Not being comfortable with your child over the age of consent having sex in a loving committed relationship is all about your own hang ups and nothing about good parenting

Did I really want my 17 year old who struggled to get out of bed to get to college or wash her pots, to be in a serious commited reladtionship? No did I hell. Life is for living not getting married off at 17.

'Ridged' sexually repressed' 'possessive' 'controlling' all words used to discribe mothers who just said 'no' - I think there is a lot of projecting going on here.

You could actually be seen as removing their last safe space by allowing these (potentially very problematic) sexual relationships to have their boundaries removed. They need somewhere to retreat to. If that is gone...where do they go

Absolutely !

I do actually agree with af in a way which will probably lead to me wen a hypocrit wen my kids are at the age of wanting partners to stay over and I say no when I was allowed at their age!

I don't judge people that do allow it it's really is each to their own but I do feel that concern to about what about when it all goes wrong . I don't know anyone who is still with the person they were at ages 16-17 that's not to say it doesn't happen . I wish I could tell my 17 year old self that all consuming love I felt for my then boyfriend who I couldn't possibly live without would go and I really would have a life after him! Perhaps if my parents had said no to me seeing him every day and tried to re focus me I wouldn't have dropped out of college !

I will also say that at 16 I prob had more sex than I was bothered about having simply because he was there in my bedroom most weekends he never pushed me into anything but I think I had sex just because that's just what people do . I think my parents assumed I was more grown up than I was !!

giving him every home comfort and enabling him to 'enjoy' his sex life at home is not really making him independent is it?

Sorry, this was a while back but I think it was to me?
I think it's the lack of affordable housing and decent jobs that is preventing young people becoming independent, not whether or not they can have sex in their own homes.

I don't think it will be my place to police my child's sex life once he's an adult.

Yes I have to agree as well that at times I was thankful I wasn't allowed boyfriends to stay over as sometimes things just got too intense and it was nice to be able to escape to my bedroom which was just my space.

Also another thing I was lucky to have my own bedroom growing up but not everyone has hat luxury anymore so what then about those that share with siblings that want partners staying over surely that would be a no too? Unless people have pull out sofa beds in the living room?

Having an all consuming love at 16 that doesn't last is a rite of passage, a part of growing up and gaining emotional maturity. If we don't want our kids to have any life experience then perhaps we should just chain them up in their rooms from the age of 12. At least if you were there for your kids when it was happening, you have more chance of being supportive and seeing them through when it ends.

Cleansheets, in the eyes of the law a 17 year old is a sexual adult, capable of consent. Are they emotionally immature? Yes. Life experience, such as consensual and committed sex, is how they learn and grow. But if your 17 year old has the same emotional capacity now that s/he did at five, there's something badly, badly wrong.

And nobody is talking about marrying off a 17 year old. What on earth are you on about?
We're talking about letting her have sex in her own bedroom with her adult boyfriend of almost a year.

You seem to have a dreadful amount of disrespect if you think a 17 year old is the same as a five year old, and completely sexually unaware and immature. You also seem to think that anyone who finds an alternative when denied their own bedroom to have consensual, committed, adult sex in must be some sort of nasty deviant who just loves having sex in dirty toilets (I've never done that, thank you). You think a 17 year old is like a five year old, you think committed and consensual adult sex is 'being married off'.

You also don't seem to grasp that just because a person CAN have sex in their room doesn't mean they MUST. Allowing them that space as theirs gives them that much control. And as I've said before, it means your teenager can kick him out any time she likes, without being left stranded somewhere on her own.

The more you write, the more repressed and disrespectful I find you, and the more your rants are going from merely daft to downright disturbing.

Agree with you Ragwort. I have never had sex in my parents' house. Even when I had two kids and was living with their father - when we stayed with my parents - no sex! I just couldn't!

I cannot think of anything worse than adding another moody, lazy, space-occupying, work-generating, responsibilty-generating, privacy-sapping individual to my household.
Because it doesn't have to be like that, and it isn't.
I am not removing her last safe space either.
What does your DH think about it, and any other children you might have
Everybody is fine with the situation. He is at uni during term time and is here odd weekends and during the holidays, when they're not at his place during the holidays.
They do not have the minds of five year olds, they are two young and intelligent people capable of making their own decisions.

I can't agree AF that by letting BF's/GF's stay over we would be legitimising their relationships as fully fledged adult ones. I think the relationship is what it is and we are just accepting that, acknowledging and maybe supporting that. If the relationship breaks up we can still be there for them just as much and home can be just as much a safe space for them - just one that sees them through the ups and downs, twists and turns of life?
I also agree that with today's housing situation we need to be more prepared to share our homes with the next generation than our parents may have done with us?

It's a long way off for me, but I think I will allow it occasionally. Certainly not every weekend or a boyfriend practically moving in, but occasionally while DD/DS are still at school and over 16.

My parents are divorced and shared custody 50-50. Mum allowed boyfriends to stay over on the odd occasion (after parties etc - probably only about 4 times in the year I had a steady boyfriend). Dad did not, and I think my boyfriend only came to Dad's house once or twice (not counting the time Dad left my twin and I, aged 17, house-sitting while he went on honeymoon). My houses were some distance by bus/train from the town where we went to school, and Dad's in particular was 2 miles from the train, so difficult to reach without a car. So what did I do? I used to go to my boyfriend's house after school for an hour or so - his parents would still be at work and I'd get the bus to Mum's afterwards. Or else we would go down into the woods at lunchtime/during study periods, or make use of the school Physics base. There were a lot of weekend house parties in my last year at school and we'd stay over together at all those parties too. So yeah, despite the fact that my boyfriend's mother made me stay in the spare room if I stayed the night, we had plenty of sexual activity.

I actually only had full sex once, though - the rest of it was other types of activity, because I was scared of getting pregnant. So I was getting up to a lot of stuff that my dad probably wouldn't have wanted to think about, but still being 'sensible' in my own way.

They will shag anyway, let's be honest
I must have worked with thousands of teenagers and I can assure you they weren't all 'at it'. A surprising number were 'waiting for marriage' and many had a lot of other things to do, and some didn't feel ready. Of course, some came up from primary already sexually active but most weren't. Not everyone with a 16+ dd needs to assume she'll be unable to control herself on school nights.
Having sex in a public place, by the way, is not the same as having sex in public. I know this for sure.

scatter it is clear that people bring their own experiences to the table in these sorts of discussions

if I had been allowed to have my teenage (on the outside, perfectly nice, my non-observant parents had no idea) abusive boyfriend to take over my last remaining safe space it would have been a disaster

that feeling has been compounded again by my own teen dd's recent bad experience

I am glad you have better memories to draw from

I am really surprised that some fathers (and mothers) would be happy to chat over breakfast with the spotty youth (or worse, the sleazy older man) who had shagged their daughter in their home the night before.

Exactly.

And because lovely 16 year old sweet bf was allowed to stay then after much nagging from me at 17/18 I was allowed 12 years older boyfriend to stay ( my parents thought he was younger ) who turned out to be a horrible controlling arsehole . If my parents has put their foot down as much as it would have annoyed me I might have gone down a different path at that point one that included finishing college etc not staying with arsehole older boyfriend . I don't blame them I just think as I said above they thought I was more emotionally mature than I was

I'm still with the boyfriend I had at 17. It was my DM who treated our home as a "shagpad", but she paid the rent, so that's OK.

All kids and all situations are different, I'm not sure that fixed ideas beforehand are the way to go.

I cannot think of anything worse than adding another moody, lazy, space-occupying, work-generating, responsibilty-generating, privacy-sapping individual to my household.

Sounds very much like the cat we had.

heh

Them cats sure do take advantage.

How does that work then, when it all goes horribly wrong ?

The same way as if the boyfriend had never stayed over. The same way as the 13 year old best friend who had been inseparable suddenly turned into the enemy. The same as when the 7 year old realised they hadn't been invited to a all-class party.

You love them, hug them, dry their tears, tell them it'll be alright soon and he/she wasn't worth it.

What difference does it make whether they've stayed over or not?

dadwasere