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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to allow my DD17s boyfriend stay the night in her room

300 replies

budgiegirl · 15/11/2015 22:14

My DD is 17 and has a boyfriend aged 18 who she's been seeing for nearly a year.

She has asked if her boyfriend can stay the night, but my DH said no. I'd be ok with it, as I know they are taking precautions, and she's a sensible girl.

I do understand why my DH is unhappy about it, but I reckon he's just trying to pretend they don't have sex, even though he knows they do.

Is he BU or am I?

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 15/11/2015 22:45

Then the father has to get the hell over himself and stop being a Neanderthal prick.

cosytoaster · 15/11/2015 22:46

Neither of you is being unreasonable. I wouldn't allow it but it looks like I'm in a minority here.

FeedMyFaceWithJaffaCakes · 15/11/2015 22:48

I would allow it.
But with conditions.
Not on school nights for example!

upaladderagain · 15/11/2015 22:49

My DH never had any problem with our DD having her boyfriend stay over in her room. They were in a relationship, and we'd have been highly hypocritical
to have made any other decision!
It seems to be a thing though that some dads of daughters have problems seeing their "little girl" as being a grown-up, sexual being. Doesn't seem to work quite the same way with sons for some reason.

Fairylea · 15/11/2015 22:50

I would say no. I wouldn't feel comfortable with that at all. But I accept I'm possibly in the minority !

timelytess · 15/11/2015 22:50

Then the father has to get the hell over himself and stop being a Neanderthal prick
People are basically animals. It takes them a while to come round to the civilised way of thinking about things.

Jaffa, a house rule of 'no shagging on a school night'?

iwantgin · 15/11/2015 22:52

upaladder oh, it does apply to sons.

We have three teenage Dss. I have already had this discussion with DH and we are in agreement that no girlfriends will be sleeping over in the near future.

ShebaShimmyShake · 15/11/2015 22:53

Well Tess, in the meantime, their daughters are out having sex in public, which I'm sure they find far more preferable. And the father is an idiot if he thinks the lad's not having sex under his roof anyway, only now he's laughing about it too.

FeedMyFaceWithJaffaCakes · 15/11/2015 22:55

No staying the night on a school night!!
They will shag anyway, let's be honest!!!

kerbs · 15/11/2015 22:56

I know a man of 37 who has to sleep in a separate room to his girlfriend when they stay at her parents.

He actually doesn't mind too much because he gets a good nights sleep, their three kids go in with his girlfriend. I'm not joking.

ForChina · 15/11/2015 22:58

I genuinely can't understand why people have a problem with their children having boyfriends/girlfriends to sleep over, so long as they over over the age of consent and in a stable (as much as it can be at that age) relationship. Sex is normal and natural - and very nice. It's healthy.

With my parents I wasn't allowed because we weren't married. Even when I came home from uni with a boyfriend we were put in separate rooms. And this was TOTAL HYPOCRISY as my parents weren't virgins when they met and were living together before they got married. It's some kind of weird prudery.

All of you who don't allow it under your roof - you do realise that your kids will go elsewhere and then not feel able to talk to you about any problems that arise? I think it's fine to feel a bit 'yuck' about it - feel a bit weird about it - but I can't think of one good reason to ban it.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 15/11/2015 23:08

I am on the other side of the coin and have an 18 year old son with a 17 year old girlfriend. They met at school and have been dating for about 18 months.

I have no problem with DS's girlfriend staying over (not that she does often, as her DM won't allow it) and she came on a family holiday for a fortnight with us, during which she & DS shared a twin bedded room (her DM was aware of the sleeping arrangements before she agreed).

I remember being 17/18 myself. Parents refusing to allow your regular girlfriend or boyfriend to stay over do not stop young people having sex. I would not allow one night stands or casual fuck buddies to stay over but a "proper" GF, yes.

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 15/11/2015 23:13

I think it's fine to feel a bit 'yuck' about it - feel a bit weird about it - but I can't think of one good reason to ban it.

Absolutely, China

AnyFucker · 15/11/2015 23:20

I don't give one shiny shit if my daughter (and also my son, and also a bunch of Internet randoms) think I am some kind of repressed weirdo for not providing a shag pad for teenagers but I am quite happy with my stance on this

And I am confident my children are not "out having sex in public"

Jux · 15/11/2015 23:21

I'd be uncomfortable, and dh would want to punch his lights out, especially if he had to be face to face with him in the morning, or bumped into each other on the way to the bathroom etc. I am currently in a similar situation, and dh has put his foot down for the moment.

Justaboy · 15/11/2015 23:22

I'm an umpty one year old single parent with three DD's OK with the 20 Y/O and his parents are OK with it too when shes round his, but as to the 17 Y/O no problem as shes soo very fussy I don't think a boy exists who can meet her high expectations, there're all too stupid, all of them according to her!

Cleansheetsandbedding · 15/11/2015 23:25

I'd say no and I have done.

No way would I let a 18 year old lad get him self comfy in my daughters bed.

ShebaShimmyShake · 15/11/2015 23:28

AF, my father was also extremely confident that we would never go against his orders and have sex out in public or in his house in his absence. But we most assuredly did. There's a spot on the health I still look at with fondness and I felt a little twinge when my mother recently replaced the old sofa.

Fairylea · 15/11/2015 23:28

I don't think those saying no are doing so on the basis that it stops them having sex - everyone knows it won't. It's just horrible to think of people having sex in your own home unless it's you as the adult! No one wants to hear or imagine their kids having a sexual relationship. It doesn't mean you don't accept that they will.

DawnOfTheDoggers · 15/11/2015 23:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShebaShimmyShake · 15/11/2015 23:30

Cleansheets, it's not your bed, it's your daughter's. You don't dictate her sexuality. Still, if you'd rather drive her to have sex in public places where she can't easily call for help or safely eject someone who DOES try to force her or makes her uneasy, hell, have at it. It's your Neanderthal sense of ownership that actually matters, after all.

Cleansheetsandbedding · 15/11/2015 23:32

sheba - I've never had sex in public why are you so sure everyone has. I would like to put money on my dd1 hasn't either. Not every one is gagging for a shag in the bushes or some dirty toilets.

sykadelic · 15/11/2015 23:36

Neither of you ABU but as you are comfortable with it and he isn't, in this instance he "wins" and he doesn't stay over.

Letting the boyfriend stay the night is the same as all kinds of things she can do once she has her own place (or for other examples, a job).

It's not detrimental to her or his life to not allow it. It doesn't make or break a relationship (or it shouldn't). It would be different if he had no other options for somewhere to sleep of course. They could rent a hotel, they don't need to "do it in the car" like other people apparently did.

The answer need only be "I'm not comfortable with it". You don't need to be comfortable with it. You don't need to be okay with it. Just like you're not always okay with friends sleeping over, or late nights, or not doing homework... You won't always be okay with her choices and that's okay.

PiperChapstick · 15/11/2015 23:36

Not being comfortable with your child over the age of consent having sex in a loving committed relationship is all about your own hang ups and nothing about good parenting.

This with nobs on

AnyFucker · 15/11/2015 23:37

I am quite aware my teenagers will have sex. Even sex in their own beds. I suspect my own bed might have seen a bit of teen action in my absence, tbh. I am not stupid.

But I still will not allow overnight stays. This is not a hotel. I don't wish to make small talk in the mornings and share my family spaces with a teenage boy/girl when I want to wander to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

My home is a family home. I don't consider teenage boyfriends/girlfriends as "family". Others might.

My teens having sex is something I fully accept. But I don't have to accept my home used as a shag pad and I don't consider my teen's "right" to have sex trumps my own discomfort with it.