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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to allow my DD17s boyfriend stay the night in her room

300 replies

budgiegirl · 15/11/2015 22:14

My DD is 17 and has a boyfriend aged 18 who she's been seeing for nearly a year.

She has asked if her boyfriend can stay the night, but my DH said no. I'd be ok with it, as I know they are taking precautions, and she's a sensible girl.

I do understand why my DH is unhappy about it, but I reckon he's just trying to pretend they don't have sex, even though he knows they do.

Is he BU or am I?

OP posts:
OddlyLogical · 15/11/2015 23:40

I have never understood the problem with this.
They are old enough to have sex. They are already having sex and are in a committed relationship. What is not allowing them to sleep together in your house attempting to achieve?

ShebaShimmyShake · 15/11/2015 23:40

Cleansheets, please point me to the place where I told you you had had sex in public. What I am saying, though, is that if you deny your adult daughter her own bedroom as a safe place to have sex, there's a very good chance she'll go somewhere unsafe instead. I did and I wasn't the only one.

Cost benefit analysis - you feeling a bit icked out vs your daughter being safe when having sex. You've made your decision, I won't be able to change your mind. Since you clearly see sex as something "dirty", I can see why you made your decision, but don't pretend it's in your daughter's best interests.

Of course, if you don't want to risk your daughter having sex in toilets or bushes, you could always let her have it in her bedroom. Where she's probably doing it anyway.

landrover · 15/11/2015 23:40

Eugh, god no! I wasn't allowed, so she won't be!

landrover · 15/11/2015 23:41

Totally agree with AF!

landrover · 15/11/2015 23:42

Quite frankly, yes I do think of sex as dirty, until you are happily married! Sorry!

ShebaShimmyShake · 15/11/2015 23:43

Nice one, landrover! :D

cosytoaster · 15/11/2015 23:44

Well said AF!

budgiegirl · 15/11/2015 23:46

To those who say that they wouldn't allow it, can I ask why not? (AF I know you've explained your reasons)

Would you allow her to stay at her boyfriends instead?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/11/2015 23:46

Sheba, your projection is really rather disturbing.

You had some bad experiences, for sure, if you are jumping straight to accusing posters of driving their daughters to have unsafe sex and considering sex to be "dirty" because they refuse to let her go at it right under their noses. Confused

Chippednailvarnish · 15/11/2015 23:46

What AF said.

I also have an age gap between DCs and I wouldn't want my youngest to see this.

Nanny0gg · 15/11/2015 23:47

and in a stable (as much as it can be at that age) relationship.

That's the point, really.

And I really have a problem if they're still at school.

Yes, I know I'm old-fashioned. Luckily it's not a problem any more.

Cleansheetsandbedding · 15/11/2015 23:47

Actually it is my bed. I paid a lot of money for it and when she moved out and got her own place she bought her own. It's also my house that she stays in so I can dictate who has sex in it. She can have sex where ever she feels comfortable but under my roof she has to respect my feelings.

Your second post directed at me is really poorly judged and bizzare. You have no idea about my eldest yet you are envisaging her having a quick bunk up in public. Not all people are like this. Maybe you have issues.

I've never thought I've owned any of my children - I just wasn't going to have an open bedroom in my house.

AnyFucker · 15/11/2015 23:49

I have never stopped my daughter from staying at her boyfriends (after the age of 16). It's not my business what she does there (after I have done my best to prepare her for adult relationships of course, that goes without saying for all of us of course)

wickedlazy · 15/11/2015 23:49

Wouldn't bother me, but your house your rules.

AnyFucker · 15/11/2015 23:52

Actually, thinking a bit more about this...

The most abuse and coercion I have ever experienced was under the roof of a house where teen sleepovers was sanctioned. You still have no real idea what goes on behind a bedroom door.

Cleansheetsandbedding · 15/11/2015 23:52

What I am saying, though, is that if you deny your adult daughter her own bedroom as a safe place to have sex, there's a very good chance she'll go somewhere unsafe instead. I did and I wasn't the only one

17 and an adult ??? Come on Grin
Once again sheba just because you had sex in public doesn't mean every one did/has.

Your making really unfounded sweeping comments that are just not true

Cleansheetsandbedding · 15/11/2015 23:54

Yes I agree and did the same as anyf post at 23:53

AnyFucker · 15/11/2015 23:55

When I was a teenager, the unsafest place I had sex was anywhere where a particular boyfriend was. It could have been my own bedroom with my parents just next door...wouldn't have made the slightest bit of difference.

VestalVirgin · 15/11/2015 23:57

He is being unreasonable.

If I had a teenage daughter, I would want her to stay under my roof. You cannot prevent teenagers from having sex, but you can try to protect your daughters from rape.

Now, hopefully her boyfriend is a decent guy, but you never know.

I would not want her to have a boyfriend over in my absence, also for safety reasons - it is easier to run away from somewhere than to get someone out of your own house.

As for not wanting strangers at the breakfast table, I am a very introverted person and understand that, but I don't think that's the reason here.

As for feeling icked out, a teenager who is old enough to have sex is old enough to wash her own bedsheets, obviously. And also old enough to put on some music if she can't be quiet. Usefull life skills she needs to learn anyway.

ShebaShimmyShake · 15/11/2015 23:57

My projection, AF? Cleansheets is the one who thinks that being forbidden sex in my bedroom means I inherently prefer to have it in toilets. (I would like it stated on the record that I was once propositioned for a threesome in a toilet, but I declined. I'm classy.)

And you're the one who seems to think that activities that go on in a private bedroom is 'right under [your] nose'. I disagree. Sex in a bedroom is discreet and private. That's why we'd generally rather do it there.

I stand by what I said. The safest place for a teenager to have sex, in my opinion, is in their own bedroom at home, perhaps with family members nearby. If he tries to force her, or to coerce her, help is one shout away and he can be thrown out immediately with impunity, leaving her safe at home with family.

If my boyfriend had tried to force me in his car or out on the heath, I'd have been in a lot of trouble. But hey, at least Dad wouldn't have had to confront the fact that I was no longer 12 and that's what really matters, apparently.

A 17 year old is an adult, sexually, in the eyes of the law. Deny her her safe space and yes, there is a very good chance she'll go somewhere unsafe for it. I did and I wasn't the only one. Of course, she'll probably also do it at home when you're not around, so you haven't actually gained anything in that regard.

I won't change your mind or anyone else's. I realise that. But if they are denied a safe space for something, teenagers often will go somewhere unsafe instead. To deny that possibility is foolish, and to claim it's an inherent preference is disingenuous.

Maryz · 15/11/2015 23:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cleansheetsandbedding · 15/11/2015 23:59

Sounds awful Anyf .Flowers There are some complete arseholes walking about.

ShebaShimmyShake · 15/11/2015 23:59

AF, I am very sorry to hear about your abusive boyfriend. I don't believe denying you overnight guests would have rescued you from that abuser or created an atmosphere where you felt safe in reporting it to someone.

AnyFucker · 16/11/2015 00:05

I am not trying to gain any sympathy, simply pointing out that a teenagers own bedroom is not necessarily a safe space.

I would never have called out, for example because it was the mind games that were damaging.

The way we equip our daughters to navigate their own sexuality is not to keep them "safe" under their own roof but also how to handle relationships away from being in earshot of parents

IrishDad79 · 16/11/2015 00:17

Sheba, you say you were having sex in your father's house anyway despite his ban, so why did you even need to shag "on the heath"? Could you not have said to your bf, "no, I'm not shagging in the fucking bushes, we'll wait til my house is free again?"

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