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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give my DC my surname?

412 replies

GummyBunting · 13/11/2015 16:00

This is a hypothetical situation really, but my OH and I have decided to TTC in the new year. Whilst chatting about the specifics, I said that as we are unmarried, I would want the baby to have my surname.
He was not happy. He wasn't overly mad or angry or upset (he's not the type) but I could tell it really took him aback. Is it a really weird request? And AIBU to actually dislike the assumption that babies will automatically get their father's name?

To avoid a drip feed:

  • I've always said I'd prefer to be married before having a baby. It probably isn't going to pan out that way now which isn't the end of the world, but I've always been honest about my preference.
  • We do intend to marry at some point.
  • I have a double barrelled surname. Please don't suggest I triple barrel, poor child.

Did anyone give their child their own surname? How did it go? Did the Dad mind?

OP posts:
Pyjamaramadrama · 13/11/2015 20:31

But what's the problem with the children having the mums surname?

doceodocere · 13/11/2015 20:33

I am married, kept my own name, the Dc have my name.

It seems unusual but I'm not sure why it doesn't happen more often, TBH.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 13/11/2015 20:47

Gosh Disappointed. How clever of you to know about how an adult changes their name

Sadly it is a rather different process to change the name of a minor.

I m going to drop speaking to you as you seem unable to separate your circumstances and your feelings from what other people might conceivably and validly feel. Which isn't conducive to discussion.

CactusAnnie · 13/11/2015 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

buckingfrolicks · 13/11/2015 20:58

my DC have my surname, their dads rather nice surname is both their middle names (boy/girl twins, it suits both genders).

It mattered to me more than him, that they took my family name.

We have had problems travelling when the assumption has been that he is not their biological dad, when they were smaller. The channel tunnel wouldn't let my DD 'go through' with her dad when they were about 5. I make a specific point of telling authority figures that he is Mr Blank, father to the little Frolicks, and I tender to refer to him as 'my partner and my kids' father' just to make sure people realise he is their father.

They have no problem with it at all. Now they're 17 we've talked about do they want to be the little Blanks or stay Frolicks and they say they will stay Frolicks.

sparkofnaturesfire · 13/11/2015 21:21

I've changed my name several times over the years for a variety of reasons however I'm back to the name on my birth certificate and do not intend changing it again!

I have been married and took his surname, when we separated I reverted back to my maiden name immediately.

My DC with my DP has his surname and so will our next baby (currently pregnant). I don't feel bothered in the slightest that my kids have a different surname to me. Me and my siblings had a different surname, sometimes I had different from my mum and other times different from my dad but they were always my siblings, mum and dad! Their name didn't matter.

When DP and I get married I'll be keeping my name, he's not too happy about that but doesn't really articulate why. I think he compares it to the fact out was good enough for me to take my first husband's name but that relationship is definitely not anything to be compared to or threatened by!

SoupDragon · 13/11/2015 21:22

I think lots of women give the kids their partner's name unthinkingly because it's conventional, and then invent post hoc justifications.

I find it somewhat amusing that you complain about a poster saying something "not very nice" and then say something not very nice, saying that "lots" haven't thought it through and have made up reasons to justify it. Maybe they thought it through and those reasons are genuine and just as valid as yours were for choosing differently.

Is it really necessary for people (on both sides) to try and justify their own choices by being rude about others?

sphinxster · 13/11/2015 21:24

My ds has my surname and my husband's (his father) surname as a middle name.
Husband agreed with the decision because it was important to me and not that important to him.
Have had a few comments from people but I really don't understand the big deal and why it's still expected that the child takes the father's name (or the wife take the husband's name). Archaic.

LumelaMme · 13/11/2015 21:25

DH and I decided that boys would get his surname and girls would get mine. This seemed to be the fairest solution.

SoupDragon · 13/11/2015 21:25

YANBU. I've never understood why mothers agree to their children having a different surname to them.

Really?
Never?

Perhaps they have discussed it and made that decision with the father of their children, the father who has an equal moral right for his children to have his name. Seriously, it isn't hard to understand either side of the surname argument, it really isn't.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 13/11/2015 21:33

I do think, however, it is telling how men often recoil from a child not having their name , but a lot of women don't question it. There is definitely a social element that it is acceptable for you not to have the name, but the kids....

[Full disclosure : I changed my name on marriage, so we all share one. Think if it were now I'd keep it and double barrell the kids. I wouldn't want not to share a name with them.]

madwomanacrosstheroad · 13/11/2015 21:33

All my children have my surname
Had ds1 on my own and when I met dh it was clear for me that all my children were going to have the same (my) name. They got my name, we got married, everyone kept their names, we had a couple more kids, they also have my name.
If dh really wants his kids to have the same name as him he can change his name to mine.

CactusAnnie · 13/11/2015 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 13/11/2015 21:50

Had ds1 on my own and when I met dh it was clear for me that all my children were going to have the same (my) name. They got my name, we got married, everyone kept their names, we had a couple more kids, they also have my name. If dh really wants his kids to have the same name as him he can change his name to mine.

Yes, this exactly. ^ it would be really important to me that if I had more children they would all share the same name. And nothing to stop my partner changing his name to mine.

Thingsthatmakeugoummmm · 13/11/2015 22:06

I really hate double barrel names. What happens if two children with double barrel names marry?!

MitzyLeFrouf · 13/11/2015 22:09

Use your imagination. Or pop over to Spain.

They choose one's person's double barrell name. They each keep their own. The child gets a name from each.............endless possibilities and yet people always ask that question.

5madthings · 13/11/2015 22:15

My kids have a double barrelled name, if they get married or have children they will choose what to do with their surname. Hell as adults they can legally change their name anyway it will be up to them.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 13/11/2015 22:44

Two double barrelled parents would be great because you'd have lots of combinations to pick two for the kids which sounded good!

Writerwannabe83 · 13/11/2015 22:47

My sister had two DC without being married and both children had his surname.

Fast forward four years, he turned out to be a total bastard and now practically has nothing to do with the children.

My sister regret so much that she gave them his surname.

HaydeeofMonteCristo · 13/11/2015 22:57

My DCs have DH's surname, while I still have mine.

At the time DC1 was born it didn't seem a big deal at all to me, so I merrily registered her with DH"s surname.

Now I feel a bit sorry that I didn't either give them my surname or at least use it as a middle name.

I'm not sure what the answer is when both partners want the kids to have their surname, especially if the doubled barrelled version isn't easily workable.

Each to their own, I guess, but it would be good if there was an easy answer.

I wouldn't want to change my surname to be the same as everyone else because I it is my surname, and also because it is what I am know as for work.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 13/11/2015 23:27

We're ttc. I made it abundantly clear that any child we were blessed with would be going in my name and it wasn't up for negotiation. Luckily dp is easy going so he's fine with that, plus I'd want my existing dd and any future children to have the same surname
THere's this women who lives by me and she has 6 different kids to 6 different men, nothing wrong with that it hsppens and she didnt get pregnant on her own but they're all in their fathers names, sorry but that just conjures up a slag.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 13/11/2015 23:28

Would she not change their surname, back to hers, Writer.

CactusAnnie · 13/11/2015 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MitzyLeFrouf · 13/11/2015 23:31

'THere's this women who lives by me and she has 6 different kids to 6 different men, nothing wrong with that it hsppens and she didnt get pregnant on her own but they're all in their fathers names, sorry but that just conjures up a slag.'

Hmm

This comment just conjures up an idiot.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 13/11/2015 23:31

Oh I didn't know thst, Annie

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