To give my DC my surname?

[GummyBunting]

This is a hypothetical situation really, but my OH and I have decided to TTC in the new year. Whilst chatting about the specifics, I said that as we are unmarried, I would want the baby to have my surname.
He was not happy. He wasn't overly mad or angry or upset (he's not the type) but I could tell it really took him aback. Is it a really weird request? And AIBU to actually dislike the assumption that babies will automatically get their father's name?

To avoid a drip feed:

• I've always said I'd prefer to be married before having a baby. It probably isn't going to pan out that way now which isn't the end of the world, but I've always been honest about my preference.
• We do intend to marry at some point.
• I have a double barrelled surname. Please don't suggest I triple barrel, poor child.

Did anyone give their child their own surname? How did it go? Did the Dad mind?

So girls never counted, really I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's as emma said its because it tips up the expected order of things.

I made sure I got the physics prize (and maths and chemistry) at school .the boys hated it!

Perhaps I just didn't meet the women I would have got on with?

Never really bothered much after uni ( which was a long time ago)

I really don't know cactus
I like talking to you all because I like thinking!

I do find it hard to reconcile you saying that you like thinking with your apparently unquestioning respect for tradition, and your idiotic remarks about feminist dictatorship.

And the the surrendered wife world you appear to inhabit.

I changed my name twice on marriage.

I never really thought about it and I defended my choice when it was discussed here before, despite being called thick by a poster.

After reading more I would not now change my name again if I was to re-marry. I have no plans on remarrying ever but I can now see how inherently sexist it is. Bert was one of the posters who I remember who made me change my opinion.

My MIL got upset that I am still known as Mrs EX marriage surname by a certain company because I didn't get round to changing it and now I can't be bothered. I am often called Mrs Ex marriage surname by teachers who assume I have the same surname as my children from my first marriage. I don't care, can't be bothered to correct them either.

My family is bonded by love alone. Having two surnames in the house has never been an issue, it's not something we think about.

If I was to do it all again I would keep my maiden name and double-barrel the children's name.

I get it. You believe you are more comfortable with men. You believe men are better, somehow. Ergo, when men and male-oriented tradition says 'change your name to a man's name' you completely agree with that. After all, men are better, so surely taking a man's name and calling yourself Mrs JOHN Smith is the better thing to do.

Women are pretty rubbish, after all, so why keep a woman's name, why pass on a woman's name?

The obvious solution is women keep their name, men keep their name, children double-barrel. If marriage splits neither husband or wife have to do anything with their names. If wife remarried, she still keeps her name, any more children double-barrel with their dad's name. This means all blood relatives will share a name, schools/doctors will be able to easily identify who is with whom and family relationships.

When all these double-barrelled children grow up they each hand down one name to any children they may have unless there is no dad and they take both of their mother's names. Parents choose which name goes first just by what sounds best, or alphabetically.

Women all use Ms as a title unless they are Dr or something.

headofthehive
I think you've internalised a lot of sexism. I think (or at least hope) you don't mean to be so harsh and dismissive towards women and girls, especially as you have daughters. I think this is probably right:
"Perhaps I just didn't meet the women I would have got on with?"
You were probably unlucky not to have girls and women in your life who were on your wavelength. I've encountered bitchy women and women I have nothing in common with. But I've also encountered women who are wonderful in many, many ways - women who are fun, funny, interesting, creative, inspiring, intelligent, caring, supportive... I could go on. I am blessed to have a sister and close female friends who enrich my life. They have all informed my feminism. I'm sorry you don't have this, but I hope you can learn through MN that there are lots of women who are just as great as the men in your life, and maybe even more great in some ways.

I never married my ex, and DS lastname is [myname]-[exname] bouble-barrelled.

I expect DS to use either half of the double barrel as it suits him, rather than keeping both forever.

Why not have your DP's last name as a middle name? Then your double-barrel as the last name.

I'd like that fake. Kind of wish we'd done that.

I toy with adding my maiden name back as a double barrell in my own name.

We aren't married but even if we were, we would still do what we have done. I am myname, Dp is hisname and the children are myname-hisname. We have said to them that they are perfectly free to chose one of their names and drop the other if they want to- particularly as hisname is one vowel change away from a rude word. They are 14 and 19 and haven't yet.

Wow this thread's entertaining. Unable to comprehend hives point of view.

If I get married (unlikely) no damn way would I change my name! My dad's Italian and when he and my mum married none of his family could believe she was changing her name, they thought she was mad! It's not done over there. If they met a man who's wife had the same last name they'd think he'd married his sister or something!

Also unable to comprehend why some people seem to respect tradition for no real reason. All tradition means to me is that loads of people have done something before you.

No I don't think I am dismissive to women in general emma but as a teenager I didn't encounter those I might have got on with. As I had a group of male friends I didn't see the need to keep looking! I don't have a sister or any female cousins.

I'd be more nervous walking into a room full of women than men.

I was always brought up with the thought of beating the boys at their own game (maybe the testosterone rubbed off on me? ) my parents were so much more pleased if it was boys I was beating - and so was school it seemed. Perhaps it's from that?

How do you talk to your daughters about being women?

I've a very "male" brain for want of a better word. Maths/science focused, problem solving, spatial awareness etc. Was making concrete with my dad at 3 and did my own house renovations at 19 (inc re-wiring, plastering, plumbing, tiling). Can service a car and tell you how it works. Own more tools than my husband and can park better than him. I'm faster than him on the track.

Hell would still freeze over before I changed my name.

Ooh bertrand I tell her to never rely on a anyone but yourself always work, so you are not dependant on anyone.

be the best at what you do. You have to be better than the next person. Life is competitive.

I tell my son the same really!

Headofthehive yes it sounds like you had a very sexist upbringing - parents and school valued boys over girls - and you have completely internalised it. Be very careful you don't pass that on to your daughters. Do you have any sons as well?

Cross post - ignore question about sons. But the rest still stands.

It's worth remembering that people aren't one dimensional.

Don't write women off.

"be the best at what you do. You have to be better than the next person. Life is competitive. "

Blimey. I'm glad I don't have to live up to that!