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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give my DC my surname?

412 replies

GummyBunting · 13/11/2015 16:00

This is a hypothetical situation really, but my OH and I have decided to TTC in the new year. Whilst chatting about the specifics, I said that as we are unmarried, I would want the baby to have my surname.
He was not happy. He wasn't overly mad or angry or upset (he's not the type) but I could tell it really took him aback. Is it a really weird request? And AIBU to actually dislike the assumption that babies will automatically get their father's name?

To avoid a drip feed:

  • I've always said I'd prefer to be married before having a baby. It probably isn't going to pan out that way now which isn't the end of the world, but I've always been honest about my preference.
  • We do intend to marry at some point.
  • I have a double barrelled surname. Please don't suggest I triple barrel, poor child.

Did anyone give their child their own surname? How did it go? Did the Dad mind?

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 13/11/2015 16:59

Thurlow - because unmarried fathers don't have the same say in what a child is called - in fact, they have no legal right to dictate their child's name, it is entirely the mother's decision.

StrawberryTeaLeaf · 13/11/2015 17:00

In the OP's case, Thurlow it seems to have a lot to do with it and fair enough.

Thurlow · 13/11/2015 17:03

Yes, it seems to for the OP.

But in all unmarried cases? Where any man named on the birth certificate has the same legal rights? It's not the 1960s anymore...

chocolateshoes · 13/11/2015 17:05

DS has my surname. DH and I are now married but I kept my surname. DH's surname is one of DS's middle names. People do get confused. But we like it this way.

Marynary · 13/11/2015 17:08

My children have DH's surname rather than mine as I don't feel the need to have the same name. I think that the Spanish normally have two surnames and when they have children they give them the first surname from both parents. Couldn't you do that?

AngelSparks · 13/11/2015 17:10

HeadDreamer Fri 13-Nov-15 16:38:56
I PERSONALLY* hate it when you see a family when everyone has different surnames? To me, thats part of what binds you as a family

How judgmental. So many families now have different names. Do you mean if you have taken on your husband's name, you are no longer family with your own mum, dad and siblings? Ridiculous.

thats why i said "I Personally hate it" - my family with my siblings is different to my family with my dc and dh,

*
I don't think shouting the word 'personally' gives you a free pass to me a judgy cow about other people's choices AngelSparks

I'm not being a judgy cow, i havent made any comment about whether i judge anyone for it, i dont care if you have 17 kids by 17 different dads, makes not a jot of difference to me, i really dont care or judge, but i would dislike it a lot if they had 17 (or 18 to include the mum) different surnames.

megletthesecond · 13/11/2015 17:11

Yanbu. Use yours.

XP made me give the dc's his surname (wouldn't allow it to be double barrelled, was screaming at me 7 days post EMCS) and now he's long gone it's a nightmare. Got to wait until their teens so they / I can apply to add my surname.

5madthings · 13/11/2015 17:12

Dh and I got married this year, after 17 yrs and five children. I kept my name, dh kept hos, madthings are double barreled.

If you get married after having kids you have to re register them anyway.... Archaic registry laws. So it will be simple to change child's name.

Re unmarried matters and names... To be on the birth certificate they have to go when you register the baby. If there was a disagreement over names legally mum can register baby on her own, dad cannot ad he is not married so I suspect in the situation if disagreement dad has no rights over the name. Legally he can get hos name put onto the birth certificate but I doubt he could force a name change.

StrawberryTeaLeaf · 13/11/2015 17:13

AngelSparks You've said that you 'hate' it when other families have more than one surname between them.

That's judgemental in my book (and nosey, intrusive, small-minded, parochial and faintly ridiculous).

CactusAnnie · 13/11/2015 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AngelSparks · 13/11/2015 17:16

StrawberryTeaLeaf

That is ridiculous, I have stated WHY i dont like it and WHY its not 'judgey', and thanks for the other insults....

Nicky333 · 13/11/2015 17:16

If your surname is double-barrelled, like Smith-Jones and your DP is Parker, then you could, when/if you marry, choose one part of your surname and your DP's surname, so Smith-Parker. Your DP could at that point change his name to that by deed poll and you'd marry into that name.

My sister gave her DS her DP's surname when she was born, then found out he'd been cheating on her, so she had to get his permission (his reluctant permission) to change it back to her surname. Otherwise, whenever she went out of the country with DS, she'd have to get a letter from him saying she was allowed to be travelling with DS.

Marynary · 13/11/2015 17:17

But in all unmarried cases? Where any man named on the birth certificate has the same legal rights? It's not the 1960s anymore...

The father has the same legal rights if they are named on the birth certificate but the mother doesn't have to put their name on the certificate. Obviously the father can gain parental responsibility afterwards but it would be too late to do anything about the child's name.

Nanny0gg · 13/11/2015 17:18

I don't understand.

If you do get married you will change your name. So you and (potential) DH will have one name and your child another.

Why?

StrawberryTeaLeaf · 13/11/2015 17:24

What's 'ridiculous' AngelSparks is imagining that you have a right to an opinion on other people's surname choices (and the frankly barking notion that names are an essential part of family bonding. Do you imagine a parent who doesn't share a name with their child is bound less tightly to them? Confused )

CactusAnnie · 13/11/2015 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fixitwithwine · 13/11/2015 17:28

My kids have taken my surname, it was important that my son did or else there woukd be no more when I marry. I dont think it matters anymore

5madthings · 13/11/2015 17:29

nanny you have to re register a child after marriage so they change child's name at same time.

It basically means the child has ops name if they split before getting married. I think.it makes sense when not married to give child the mothers name tbh looking at statistics on unmarried parents and the %that fail
Andi say that as someone who was happily livening in unwedded bliss for 17 years and had five kids out of wedlock. Ours are just double barreled, the kids being double barreled, me having my name and dh having is is no big deal, doesn't make us less as a family. The kids see it as totally logical that they would have both names and it's never caused any issues for the children.

People often get my name wrong, more so.now we are married it seems they can't cope with the fact I didn't change my name on marriage. The assumption that I am now Mrs dh surname is huge. Some assume I must have double barreled at least. I have had so many assumptions and questions over it it's been quite bizarre.

AngelSparks · 13/11/2015 17:35

Of course i have a right to have an opinion on your name, your hair cut and the colour of your car

Doesn't make me judge you, you don't have to like it

StormyBlue · 13/11/2015 17:55

Thurlow I was addressing the OP, not all unmarried couples.

Chilledmonkeybrains · 13/11/2015 18:22

The way I saw it, I was carrying ds for 9 months , pushing him out of my fanjo, and then doing all the work of looking after him he was bloody well getting my name.

Not very fair to the father is it? My DP would be devastated if I had this attitude - our children are equally ours.

HackerFucker22 · 13/11/2015 18:30

My kids have my DP'S surname. We have no intentions to ever marry (despite being together a decade and having the kids)

The way I see it is that regardless of what happens with us, he is always going to be the kids dad and it's nice for them to have thay connection.

If I ever feel strongly about us having the same surname I'd change mine by deed poll.

WeAllHaveWings · 13/11/2015 18:32

I would get married in secret and give dc my dhs surname, then when you can afford it have a wedding. That's a compromise.

Headofthehive55 · 13/11/2015 18:34

I like us all having the same surname. I feel like we are batting for the same team.

Each to their own.

Simplest way was to marry and then have the kids! (He can then go and register the kids whilst I was laid on the sofa at home which I saw as a lovely thing for him to do, as I had gone to all those midwife appointments! )

Bixxy · 13/11/2015 19:07

Not married, DS has partner's surname because I think it sounds better with his first name than mine. My name is his middle name (which is apparently a Scottish tradition, though I'm not a Scot).

I won't take OH's name if we marry, I like my own. My son having a different last name to me makes me feel no less his mum.

I think If you are planning to take his name anyway, giving your child your surname as a middle name might work well.

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