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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give my DC my surname?

412 replies

GummyBunting · 13/11/2015 16:00

This is a hypothetical situation really, but my OH and I have decided to TTC in the new year. Whilst chatting about the specifics, I said that as we are unmarried, I would want the baby to have my surname.
He was not happy. He wasn't overly mad or angry or upset (he's not the type) but I could tell it really took him aback. Is it a really weird request? And AIBU to actually dislike the assumption that babies will automatically get their father's name?

To avoid a drip feed:

  • I've always said I'd prefer to be married before having a baby. It probably isn't going to pan out that way now which isn't the end of the world, but I've always been honest about my preference.
  • We do intend to marry at some point.
  • I have a double barrelled surname. Please don't suggest I triple barrel, poor child.

Did anyone give their child their own surname? How did it go? Did the Dad mind?

OP posts:
echt · 13/11/2015 19:13

Married. DH didn't like double-barrelled names, so the deal was all girls would have my surname, all boys his.

Original poster
GummyBunting · 13/11/2015 19:21

I don't want to paint an unflattering picture of my oh. His brother died very tragically and his parents are very affected by it. They would be heart broken if we didn't involce them, and it would add tension to what is a very difficult and fragile relationship between me and them.

But, I have 7 siblings, 4 parents, nephews and nieces, grandparents etc so any wedding no matter how simple, even if it's just family will be costly. I appreciate we shouldn't really elope, but we can't afford to feed and entertain our ludicrously large families right now.

I would intend to change both mine and children's name upon getting married.

This has been really interesting, and I learned how to spell surname!

OP posts:
Hissy · 13/11/2015 19:34

When you get married, any children you have can have their birth certificates changed to the main surname.

As an incentive to him, do. Not any dc his surname. Register the child in your name. When you are married you can change the names.

Google it, you'll see how easy it is. It's the only circumstances where a birth certificate can be changed.

Pyjamaramadrama · 13/11/2015 19:40

What hissy said

Hissy · 13/11/2015 19:55

If the parents of the child married after the birth registration the birth should be re-registered to show the child as a child of the parent's marriage. The child's surname can be altered at the same time, to that of the father. The mother's name can also be changed on the birth certificate if she altered her surname upon marriage. If the child's parents double-barrelled their surnames, or combined them in some way when they got married, this name can be entered on the birth certificate for the child. In order for this to happen both parents should agree to any changes.

DisappointedOne · 13/11/2015 19:58

I dislike the assumption that women change their names when they marry. I didn't. DD has my surname as a middle name and my husband's surname as her surname rather than double barrelling.

I don't need the same surname as DD - she's the only person to have ever heard my heart from the inside. Not sharing a name doesn't make us any less mother and daughter.

DisappointedOne · 13/11/2015 19:59

There's a 12 month limit on being able to change birth certs, I believe.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 13/11/2015 20:01

It's the only circumstances where a birth certificate can be changed.

Actually it's not. There are quite a few.

notenoughbottle · 13/11/2015 20:04

You're name! My two DS have my ex husbands surname. We divorced over three years ago and my DC are now at a new school and I still get called Mrs ..... My DD has a double barrelled surname which is lucky because myself and her father are separated now too.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 13/11/2015 20:05

Not very fair to the father is it? My DP would be devastated if I had this attitude - our children are equally ours.

Ah, well, that's the thing chilledmonkeybrains my ds's father isn't devastated, and since he barely sees him, pays no maintenence to speak of, and wouldn't look after him if died I don't see ds as being equally ours.

Pyjamaramadrama · 13/11/2015 20:06

Disappointed it can be upsetting if you split from the child's father, and he ends up having little to no part in their lives, which sadly often happens.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 13/11/2015 20:07

Also, I grew up having a different name to my mum, and hated it. Ds and I are a family, it would be nuts if we had different names. And someone may say " ah, well dp and dc and I are a family, and dp has a right to give the dc his name" but relationships don't aways work out, and few children wind up with the dad as their main carer.

DisappointedOne · 13/11/2015 20:09

Huh? Pretty sure that's the case whatever the kids are called.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 13/11/2015 20:10

Disappointed - Of course. But I do know people where it's caused extra hurt that the children have the name of a man they now despise and who never sees the kids.

DisappointedOne · 13/11/2015 20:13

In which case, when they're old enough, the children are free to change their names to whatever they like. Or in extreme cases mum can have them "known as" instead.

Pyjamaramadrama · 13/11/2015 20:13

The children aren't going to want the name of a man they never see.

DisappointedOne · 13/11/2015 20:14

Then they can change it. Takes all of 5 minutes to write a note. Done.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 13/11/2015 20:18

Disappointed - yes. But that isn't much use if the child is 2 when you split.

No one is saying this is always an issue or should always be a deciding factor . Just that it can be hurtful to some so it's worth considering. Not sure why you seem to want to argue that it can't possibly be something for the OP to consider (and dismiss if she wishes )Confused

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 13/11/2015 20:19

It isn't a five minute note! My mother is a teacher who has had to deal with mothers in floods of tears because certain official documents had to use the legal name.

CactusAnnie · 13/11/2015 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iMatter · 13/11/2015 20:22

YANBU. I've never understood why mothers agree to their children having a different surname to them.

DisappointedOne · 13/11/2015 20:23

I could change my legal name right now in less than 5 minutes. Just because other people don't understand that doesn't mean it's not the case.

I haven't argued against anything. If you're grown up enough to have a baby with someone you can deal with this.

My friend has 2 children with her ex husband. She's just reverted to her maiden name with no issue whatsoever about her children keeping the names they gave them together.

A 2 year old won't be that aware of their name so the "known as" name change trick would work instantly.

DisappointedOne · 13/11/2015 20:25

The fact is that there are a lot of women out there bringing up children alone, burdened with the surname of a totally or semi-absent father who wanted the kudos of passing on his name without the obligations of marriage.

Nothing personal about it.

If you have children without being married then more fool you, frankly. I still disagree with women being the ones to change their names after marriage because it's the "done thing".

Poppyclock · 13/11/2015 20:27

We don't plan on marrying so DS has my surname rather than DPs. I do 99% of doctors visits, daycare stuff, travel because my family live overseas etc etc. I know people will wonder if DP if his biological dad but who cares, that'll only be strangers wondering. Everyone who knows us knows whose kid he is. That said, if you're getting married and changing your name I'd probably use partners surname

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