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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give my DC my surname?

412 replies

GummyBunting · 13/11/2015 16:00

This is a hypothetical situation really, but my OH and I have decided to TTC in the new year. Whilst chatting about the specifics, I said that as we are unmarried, I would want the baby to have my surname.
He was not happy. He wasn't overly mad or angry or upset (he's not the type) but I could tell it really took him aback. Is it a really weird request? And AIBU to actually dislike the assumption that babies will automatically get their father's name?

To avoid a drip feed:

  • I've always said I'd prefer to be married before having a baby. It probably isn't going to pan out that way now which isn't the end of the world, but I've always been honest about my preference.
  • We do intend to marry at some point.
  • I have a double barrelled surname. Please don't suggest I triple barrel, poor child.

Did anyone give their child their own surname? How did it go? Did the Dad mind?

OP posts:
SummerNights1986 · 13/11/2015 23:32

I made it abundantly clear that any child we were blessed with would be going in my name and it wasn't up for negotiation

It's a good job you're not a man or you'd be called controlling, abusing and all the cunts under the sun for that statement. Benefits of being female eh?

Personally op, if you plan to marry and plan to change your name (and any dc's) to oh's name in future, it seems pretty pointless to give the dc your name IMO.

We had our dc before marrying, and they were given dh's name because I knew that when we married I would also take it. I don't really see the point of giving a child a name you fully intend to change in a few months or years. Unless of course you have doubts about the longevity of your relationship now, in which case you shouldn't be TTC at all.

CactusAnnie · 13/11/2015 23:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Headofthehive55 · 13/11/2015 23:39

I love having the tradition of sharing the same surname, I spent long periods tracing family history and it gave my family a sense of a shared history. Like being linked in a way. An unbroken chain. Like being part of a clan. Because it is convention I can see it happened in the past in my family. Lots of conventions can be argued against, there is no reason why we should give our names a capital letter. It's only convention.

I don't think it is unthinking at all. Do what makes you happy!

MitzyLeFrouf · 13/11/2015 23:44

Were you tracing your birth family's history or your married family's history? Because obviously by changing your name upon marrying you've broken the chain.

SummerNights1986 · 13/11/2015 23:44

My point Cactus is that a name should be chosen because it's what both parents agree on, married or not. Not because the mother thinks ahead to 'what if we split up'.

It seems like pointless reasoning to me. Presumably, if your (hypothetical) oh fucked off into the blue, leaving you and the kids in the lurch, you'd have bigger things to worry about than a name.

I also don't see the huge deal in having a different name to your dc. I had a different name to mine for 6 years...it didn't impact us in any way at all, ever.

TheBeanpole · 13/11/2015 23:45

Haven't rtht but DD has my surname. Not married, even if we were I would keep my name.

My name is nicer and I felt more strongly about it. We were going to use DPs name as a middle name but in the end he wasn't that bothered and it didn't go anyway. A) no one has ever expressed doubt at her parentage and who cares if they did anyway and b) families are so multi faceted now it's not uncommon to have several names In the family unit.

I seriously doubt anyone (except perhaps an in-law) would really care. They'd get used to it pretty quick.

TheBeanpole · 13/11/2015 23:45

*rtwt sorry.

madwomanacrosstheroad · 14/11/2015 00:05

You do not need your partners consent to register your child under your name. You need his consent to put his name on the birth certificate.
I really do not understand why people assume that women will take the man's name after marriage. It is not something I ever considered.
To me the whole emphasis on the man's name suggests a property relationship. It is really an illustration of patriarchy.

Enjolrass · 14/11/2015 06:47

Taking the conventional default option does not necessarily imply that any thought has gone into it.

Nor does it imply thought hasn't gone into it.

Can't understand why people get so sniffy about surnames and what other people choose to do with their own. Or why/how they come to this decision.

There is no right or wrong for the OP. It's something they need to discuss and work through.

BertrandRussell · 14/11/2015 07:09

I don't think marriage is important and I think children should either have their mother's name or have hyphenated names. and I don't think women should ever change their name on marriage.

But if being married and having a family name is important to you, and if your partner isn't prepared to go along with this, thenwhy in the name of all that's wonderful are you having a baby with him????????

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 14/11/2015 07:51

I dislike the assumption that women change their names when they marry. I didn't. DD has my surname as a middle name and my husband's surname as her surname rather than double barrelling.

I don't need the same surname as DD - she's the only person to have ever heard my heart from the inside. Not sharing a name doesn't make us any less mother and daughter.

This is how I feel. As DH had missed out on the pre-birth experience (only because he's a man, not through absence or anything) it was a way of cementing their connection. My baby will always be my baby, whatever he is called. I wanted him to have my name mostly as a point of principle, but it didn't really matter to me. It mattered to DH a lot and I would have felt like a bitch steam rollering over his feelings in the name of equality.

OP you talk about wanting to protect yourself, a surname won't do that. Marriage would help. Unless you're a higher earner who'll still be the higher earner post baby, I'd get married before ttc. Even if it's a secret ceremony with a big celebration later, I'd do it. In my experience having children gives you less money and time for weddings, but I obviously don't know your circumstances.

Enjolrass · 14/11/2015 07:53

But if being married and having a family name is important to you, and if your partner isn't prepared to go along with this, thenwhy in the name of all that's wonderful are you having a baby with him????????

That's not what's happening here is it? Then had a talk on it and both want the baby to have their name.

Differences of opinion happen all the time in relationships. It's how they are dealt with that makes the difference.

Or are you saying any man who won't roll over and back down straight away isn't worthy of being a father?

AskBasil · 14/11/2015 07:59

I don't think you should have a baby with a man who won't marry you when he knows that you want to be married when you have a baby.

As soon as you get pregnant, you lose some of your negotiation power in your relationship. Then when you have the baby, you lose more of your negotiation power.

You should hold out for what you want while you still have some negotiation power.

You don't have to exclude his parents from a wedding. You can have a small, cheap wedding with just his and your parents and a couple of friends and say very firmly that that's all you can afford and if anyone else wants to come and are upset by not being invited, then that's fine, they can jolly well pay for their share. You can even explain that you're planning to have children and you want to be married before you do, so no, you can't postpone it until you can afford to waste a whole load of money on a show-off wedding.

Don't buy into the wedding industry bullshit that you have to have a big unaffordable, financially crippling wedding. You don't. Getting married is cheap if you want it to be.

CurrerBellend · 14/11/2015 08:31

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SummerNights1986 · 14/11/2015 09:48

I PERSONALLY hate it when you see a family when everyone has different surnames? To me, thats part of what binds you as a family

How very weird of you. I'm wondering if you knew that there are many cultures where not all family members have the same surname. Do you think they're not as bound as a family because of this? If so, bleurrrrgh at the racism

So a poster that wants her family to all have the same surname = she's a racist? I've seen it all now, what a leap FGS Hmm

I also wanted DH, me and DC's to all have the same surname. It does feel 'binding' and just, to me, nice Smile I like being 'The Nights' and all sharing something. I couldn't give a fuck what other cultures do - this was important to me.

And no, that doesn't make me a racist Hmm

BertrandRussell · 14/11/2015 10:05

"Or are you saying any man who won't roll over and back down straight away isn't worthy of being a father?"

No. I'm saying get it sorted out before you consider having a baby with him.

CurrerBellend · 14/11/2015 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whois · 14/11/2015 10:23

But having the same name has been used as a marker of 'family' for centuries. It's hard to argue that it's common to associate people having the same sur name as being part of the same family or clan.

whois · 14/11/2015 10:24

Doesn't mean people without the same name as their partner or children are less of a 'family' but the same name is an marker of being part of the same tribe/clan/family

Helloitsme15 · 14/11/2015 10:28

We were not married when I got pregnant and had no plans to marry. But I had a huge wobble half way through the pregnancy when I realised that DP was not my legal next of kin and my mum would have that role. We got married very quickly when it dawned on us both that marriage was a small commitment compared to having a child together.
We discussed the whole name thing over and over as I kept my maiden name and did not see any reason why, even though we were married, that the kids should have his name not mine. He finally made one point which convinced me - that was that nobody ever questions who the mum is, but people will question if they are his kids if they do not have his name. So they both have his surname and my surname as a middle name.
I don't think there is a right or wrong here - just do whatever works for you.

CurrerBellend · 14/11/2015 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Morganly · 14/11/2015 11:23

The name issue is not the only thing to think about. If you have a child without marrying, particularly if you give up work or go part time, you are in a financially vulnerable position if you split or if, God forbid, your partner dies. Please do some research about the legal and financial implications as I think you will be shocked how little an unmarried mother is entitled to in terms of financial support and the splitting of assets.

Original poster
GummyBunting · 14/11/2015 13:08

"But if being married and having a family name is important to you, and if your partner isn't prepared to go along with this, thenwhy in the name of all that's wonderful are you having a baby with him????????"

BertandRussell Because he has another 1000 amazing qualities that are exactly what I want in the father of my children. I'd rather have an illegitimate baby with a kind, patient, hard working, financialy stable, funny, supportive family man than have a legitimate baby with someone less brilliant.

And PPs it's a bit weird to suggest you should only have a baby if you know your relationship is going to last forever. I mean really? How does one know that? If you've discovered the trick to fortune telling, it's really only fair that you share it with the rest of us.

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 14/11/2015 13:20

mitzy we traced both sides. And of course there are many surnames. You get branches of family groupings. But I liked thinking I was following in the footsteps of Mrs hives in the past of which there are many. I like ancestry so interested in those ideas. I have no feeling of following my maiden families footsteps on marriage.

The thought that my son has the same Y chromosome as Mr hive a long time ago appeals to me.

I do like the Scottish tradition of using the mothers maiden name as a middle name.
Although my DH has his mothers name as a middle name being Scottish, but she was quite keen he double barrelled it ( he doesn't) and wanted us to use it for our children. No way!

But as I say each to their own.

Headofthehive55 · 14/11/2015 13:24

I imagine if I had been brought up in a different culture I would do whatever their traditions are surrounding naming. I imagine I would have chosen very different first names even if I had been Chinese for example. They have a very different naming system. But I'm not I am very English. And I wanted to follow a very old English traditional custom.