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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give my DC my surname?

412 replies

GummyBunting · 13/11/2015 16:00

This is a hypothetical situation really, but my OH and I have decided to TTC in the new year. Whilst chatting about the specifics, I said that as we are unmarried, I would want the baby to have my surname.
He was not happy. He wasn't overly mad or angry or upset (he's not the type) but I could tell it really took him aback. Is it a really weird request? And AIBU to actually dislike the assumption that babies will automatically get their father's name?

To avoid a drip feed:

  • I've always said I'd prefer to be married before having a baby. It probably isn't going to pan out that way now which isn't the end of the world, but I've always been honest about my preference.
  • We do intend to marry at some point.
  • I have a double barrelled surname. Please don't suggest I triple barrel, poor child.

Did anyone give their child their own surname? How did it go? Did the Dad mind?

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/11/2015 16:25

If you are going to change your name on marriage then double barrelling the names might be an option for the DC.

Enjolrass · 13/11/2015 16:27

The problem is that neither of you are bu, to want you future child to have your surname.

I changed my to dhs, though very carefully about it and decided that's what i wanted.

So the kids have our surname too.

Never regretted it.

This is something you need to decide together as a couple.

Could you use part of yours and double barrel with dps?

honeylulu · 13/11/2015 16:29

I know it's more usual for children to have the father's surname but this doesn't make much sense to me. If parents separate it's much more common for child to stay with mother. Plus, being cynical, you can always be certain that your mother is your mother - less so your "father".
I'm married but didn't change my name. I was keen for children to have my name although we compromised on double barelled with the agreement (since it ended up quite a long name) that the children could choose to keep both drop one at secondary school age. Our eldest has chosen mine.
One of my friends changed her name at marriage, plus that of her son by previous relationship. After two more children husband buggered off and doesn't give a toss about any of them. They're all lumbered with his name including the poor lad who isn't even related to him.

AngelSparks · 13/11/2015 16:29

I'm FIRMLY in the 'not-married'? Mums surname!

I PERSONALLY* hate it when you see a family when everyone has different surnames? To me, thats part of what binds you as a family

MitzyLeFrouf · 13/11/2015 16:32

I personally love it.

kerbs · 13/11/2015 16:32

If the wedding is more important than the marriage, then the name is your decision. He can't have it all ways.

The wedding might never happen, then your child would have a different name to you always.

Chilledmonkeybrains · 13/11/2015 16:33

Unmarried with no intention of being so and DC have his surname. Never gave it much thought and have never had any problems.

I think if they had my name, people would more often assume he is not their father than they would I am not their mother. IYSWIM.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 13/11/2015 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChunkyPickle · 13/11/2015 16:36

I have two sons, DS1 has DP's surname, DS2 has mine, DP has no problem with this (in fact, I'd initially registered DS2 with DP's thinking that DS1 would feel left out. When DS1 didn't care, I deed polled DS2 over to my name with DP's non-plussed blessing)

One each seemed fair. People tend to think it's cute and charming. We did get a bit of a look and interrogation at immigration, but then, that's always going to be an issue for one of us at some point, may as well get used to it now.

stitchglitched · 13/11/2015 16:37

I'm not married and both DC have my surname. We will probably get married next year and I will keep my surname as will the kids. DP can change his name to ours if he wants!

DinosaursRoar · 13/11/2015 16:38

If you would change your name on marriage, you know it would be relatively straight forward to change your DCs name at that point right? So you give them your surname. The deal is, your DC has your surname, whatever it is, so if you change yours (by getting married) then you'll change your DCs to match.

Thing is, it's not your DP's decision because you aren't married, it's just yours. He's taken the decision that the big wedding is more important than having automatic rights as a father, perhaps point this out to him - you could have a small legal wedding now, then a big blessing and party later on when you can afford it. (If he says you'll never do the party bit, think carefully, if you will never get round to saving for the big party, chances are you'll never get round to getting married).

If you go for double barrelling, rather than triple barrelling, the traditional way this is dealt with in cultures where double barrelling is common is that you take forward the part of your surname that comes from your father to blend with your DH's name/the part of your DH's name that comes from his father. (So if you are Ms Smith-Jones and he is Mr Bloggs-Carpenter, both first bits being from your dads, then your DC could be Bloggs-Smith).

HeadDreamer · 13/11/2015 16:38

I PERSONALLY* hate it when you see a family when everyone has different surnames? To me, thats part of what binds you as a family

How judgmental. So many families now have different names. Do you mean if you have taken on your husband's name, you are no longer family with your own mum, dad and siblings? Ridiculous.

lorelei9 · 13/11/2015 16:39

I'm a bit confused
YANBU at all to want your child to have your name

but why would you then take your partner's name if you got married?

Are you saying that if the child came before the wedding, she would be called Poppy Spaniel, because you are currently Susan Spaniel, then when you got married you would be Susan Labrador, your OH would be Steve Labrador, and your child would be..Poppy Spaniel, with neither of your names? I guess there's nothing wrong with that but it seems odd that you will change your name altogether. But perhaps you are thinking that your name is carrying on.....?

Pyjamaramadrama · 13/11/2015 16:42

Could you double barrel using the first part of your two names and your dps name?

DinosaursRoar · 13/11/2015 16:43

Lorelei - it's very straight forward for children to change their surname after their mother's get married to their father, mainly because traditionally, children took the surname of their mother if unmarried, then changed once their mother married their father.

But if you give your DC your DP's surname, it'll be very hard to change it back to yours if it later turns out he doesn't want to get married...

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 13/11/2015 16:45

Yanbu. I agree with honey lulu . In the event of a split, dc usually stay with the mother, who may then go on and have more children with another man so you can have a situation where the mother, the first dc and the latter dc all have different names.
I don't think the father has an equal say in the naming thing at all actually. Weirdly everyone I know in a non married couple gave their dc his name, even if it wasn't as nice! Some of them are in deepy rocky patches and regretting this.
The way I saw it, I was carrying ds for 9 months , pushing him out of my fanjo, and then doing all the work of looking after him he was bloody well getting my name.

FluffyPersian · 13/11/2015 16:45

I’ve also got a double barrelled surname. My partner and I discussed what would happen when we had children as I was adamant I wouldn’t take his surname on marriage (just like he wouldn’t take mine).

Our compromise was….. that on the birth certificate, the child would have a triple barrelled name (as I really wanted my surname to be associated with the child), however I do agree ‘poor child’ if that was going to be how they were known on a day to day basis!

So on a day to day basis it would be Childs name Hislastname-secondpartofmylastname

Still double barrelled, but not triple :)

I don’t know if you have got the ‘Double barrelled names are pretentious’ said to you… However mine has been in my family for over 400 years and as I come from a family of 4 daughters and 3 female cousins (no men in our generation and our family name is very rare) I didn’t want it to die out….

I hope you reach a compromise you’re happy with :)

StrawberryTeaLeaf · 13/11/2015 16:45

I PERSONALLY* hate it when you see a family when everyone has different surnames? To me, thats part of what binds you as a family

I don't think shouting the word 'personally' gives you a free pass to me a judgy cow about other people's choices AngelSparks

If you 'PERSONALLY' don't like that choice for your OWN family, fine, but I doubt anyone gives a stuff what you think when you 'see' their families, TBH

(Can we anticipate a new usage now? "I PERSONALLY don't like 'seeing' SAHMs" "I PERSONALLY don't like seeing people with dark skin" Hmm ).

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 13/11/2015 16:45

If you will change your name when you marry, will you then change your child's name?

Personally (and it is very personal), I would find it upsetting to not share a name with my children. So in your situation I would double barrel the surname (dropping part of yours) and then lose the double barrel in future if it pans out.

Thurlow · 13/11/2015 16:46

IfNot, why don't you think that the father has an equal say in the naming thing at all actually?

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 13/11/2015 16:48

Because Thurlow statistically men leave and women bring up the dc
I'm very pragmatic !

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 13/11/2015 16:49

If by some miracle I got pregnant by my boyfriend, we have already discussed why the baby would have my name and why. He agreed for his surname to be a middle name, no bother.

hampsterdam · 13/11/2015 16:49

My ds has my exs surname, we split when he was a baby and I've always regretted having a different name a little bit.
I'm married but kept my names (double barrel like op) and have already decided if we ever have a child together it will get my names. Why should the dad automatically assume that baby gets his name?

StormyBlue · 13/11/2015 16:53

DO IT DO IT DO IT. I did the same in a similar situation and have only ever been glad that I did. If he wants the baby to have his name so much then he will propose.

If you give it your DP's name and then he fucks off then you will 99% likely not be able to change it back.

OTOH, If you have a baby and then get married you are supposed to go and reregister the birth anyway, so you can have the surname changed easily then. I checked this was true with the registration office last year when I went to register DS, it was.

Thurlow · 13/11/2015 16:56

If he wants the baby to have his name so much then he will propose.

Seriously - I'm not questioning anyone's personal preference over whether they share a surname with their child or not, but... What's proposing got to do with sharing a name? What if you're married and you don't change your name?