To give my DC my surname?

[GummyBunting]

This is a hypothetical situation really, but my OH and I have decided to TTC in the new year. Whilst chatting about the specifics, I said that as we are unmarried, I would want the baby to have my surname.
He was not happy. He wasn't overly mad or angry or upset (he's not the type) but I could tell it really took him aback. Is it a really weird request? And AIBU to actually dislike the assumption that babies will automatically get their father's name?

To avoid a drip feed:

• I've always said I'd prefer to be married before having a baby. It probably isn't going to pan out that way now which isn't the end of the world, but I've always been honest about my preference.
• We do intend to marry at some point.
• I have a double barrelled surname. Please don't suggest I triple barrel, poor child.

Did anyone give their child their own surname? How did it go? Did the Dad mind?

Of parents who are still together when their child reaches 15, only 3% are unmarried.

Well I wouldn't have cared! It is the correct form of address! It was my seat anyhow so I don't see how it would have affected you lot! That's my point I wouldn't have been rude enough to walk out on you if you insisted on calling me my maiden name! However hurtful and as much as I would have detested that!

Why do you feel you have to make a point at what I call myself! Didn't affect anyone else!

Because you want it that way you feel everyone else should? I took great care to get all the names in the form they wanted, some formal, some have different titles.

I wouldn't have walked out if my place had been labelled as Mrs hisname hisname. But I would have thought you were old fashioned and insensitive and undoubtably not a feminist. No one who was remotely interested in equality would do something that so completely eradicated the identity of a woman and so completely subsumed her into the identity of a man.

At some universities in the early 60s sometimes Professor's wives were identified as "Mrs Chemistry" "Mrs Philosophy" or "Mrs Linguistics" I presume you don't see a problem with that either?

"It is the correct form of address!"

There is no 'correct form of address'. It is one form of address, listed in etiquette books, and questioned by many - I would suggest that only a tiny minority of the current generation, and probably those in UMC or aristocracy, would dream of using an address so obviously outdated and nonsensical in a post feminist (sic) age.

If I found my place marked by my DH's name I would have said 'oh, there seems to have been a mistake on the place name cards, oh well' and put it facedown and introduced myself on my own terms to the people I didn't know round the table'. In a friendly way, not a mood-wrecking tantrum.

The point is I was prepared to ask people what they which form of address they wanted, some chose formal. Some wanted a different title.

The question is would you have allowed me to have my choice? At your wedding?

The answer is no. I would not, under any circumstances, refer to a woman as Mrs his name his name. It is a form which has all but died out and the only reason for using it is to make some sort of bizarre point. Which I would not collude with.

My preference would be to call everyone by first and last names, with no title. Which is what I do unless someone specifically asks for a title.

Incidentally, do you not think it's telling that in the formal usage you are talking about, the man has no title? The only title is the one that indicates possession.

I know to be careful you see, as some members of my family go by different Christian names to what they are actually called.

"Christian names"? Are they all Christened then?!

It's even more telling that you would not allow me to have my chosen name, however I wish it to be, yet I am happy to accommodate other people's wishes and do.

That says it all really.

The point is I was prepared to ask people what they which form of address they wanted, some chose formal. Some wanted a different title.

That's not what you said.

I think if I saw a women with a place card identifying them in such a way (even if it was meant for me) I would be too busy laughing to be offended.

It reminds me a little of a man I know would won't open/close the curtains because he considered it 'woman's work' it's so ridiculous you can do nothing but laugh.

Did you know head that slaves didn't get to keep their own name either? They took the slave owners last name, that's you black Americans have English last names and not African names. Does this also give you a lovely warm fuzzy feeling because they are all part of the same team?

"It's even more telling that you would not allow me to have my chosen name, however I wish it to be, yet I am happy to accommodate other people's wishes and do."

It would go against everything I believe to address a woman as Mrs John Smith. I would also not collude in the erasing of women's identity in any other way.

I still think that it is part of what binds you as a family - i still stand by that, and if you have a different view, then thats fine.

So families in countries where they don't traditionally all have the same surname are "less bonded" than families in the UK are they?

Oh dear, this thread seems to have set off at high speed in good old MN way!

It's an interesting question, naming something or someone, isn't it? Who gets to name, what system do they use?
How do you identify kin groups/ families? What are families?

I think using the term surname is rather outdated though: I mean SIRE is where that word comes from, you know, as in the male/person with the bollox.

My dcs are called after both parents, as I have cahones myself,

"Maybe the uk needs to change the words surname and maiden name and christian name to lessen the sexist and racist connotations that go with that?"

I don't think those words are ever used on forms in the UK any more.

Interesting, though, (assuming that you are a woman)while talking about the power of words, that you say "cahones" - presumable to mean that you are assertive and independent......

To the people who dislike families having different names, and feel a shared name makes them more bonded.

What would you do if your dh left you? Would you keep your married name and the same name as your dc's?

What if you remarried and had more dc's? You can never say you'd wouldn't because you don't know how you might feel if your circumstances changed.

Fwiw I think that the woman automatically changing her name by default is outdated and deeply ingrained sexism.

Well first name then, but I suspect all were actually christened.

Not all of my family use their first names.

I think it's more important to allow people to have a choice, not to do so would effectively be saying you are more important, and are therefore having it just how you want it because you feel it's a better.

That is dictatorship! And you believe in democracy, and equal rights? Only if they agree with you! You sound like the grandmama in downtown abbey!

Whereas I may not agree with you, but would fight for you to express those beliefs.

Would I keep my name? Well yes. After years of having to ask people to spell bith my names correctly there is no way I'd want to go back! And it's the same name as my children. I am unlikely to have more!

I would be much more comfortable with name changing if it was equal.

If a woman changes her name on marriage all she has to do is send her marriage certificate to the necessary people.

If she wants to double barrel or the man is going to change his, they have to pay for a deedpoll.

I'm not sure why it's so laughable that a man might change his name. I've known friends who's husbands had horrendously awful last names or who didn't really want to change their name but just felt it was the done thing.

It isn't really a choice, it's an illusion of choice. Women are made to feel that their being awkward or difficult if they don't change their name. Worse still they will be faced with not sharing their children's names.

I didn't want to change my name on marriage, yet from the day we did everyone addressed us as Mr and Mrs Hisname. Even though I have a son from a previous relationship. I'd quite like to correct them all but would no doubt be seen as making a fuss.

It's shit.

They're.

Also I do know women who are divorced and have kept their married name, because they share it with the dc's.

People pull faces, the mans new wife pulls faces. Why is she still using his name.

Bertrand
"Interesting, though, (assuming that you are a woman)while talking about the power of words, that you say "cahones" - presumable to mean that you are assertive and independent......"
I noticed that too!
And Venus no one says "Christian name" any more apart from headofthehive. It's first name. Personally I don't see a huge problem with the word "surname", I think feminists have bigger fish to fry that worrying about changing words like that.

People should check pyjama and then you get it just how you want it.

And that's my point, it should be how you want to be addressed.

its really not difficult, to ask people! Not to assume, or judge, or pull faces...just ask.