To give my DC my surname?

[GummyBunting]

This is a hypothetical situation really, but my OH and I have decided to TTC in the new year. Whilst chatting about the specifics, I said that as we are unmarried, I would want the baby to have my surname.
He was not happy. He wasn't overly mad or angry or upset (he's not the type) but I could tell it really took him aback. Is it a really weird request? And AIBU to actually dislike the assumption that babies will automatically get their father's name?

To avoid a drip feed:

• I've always said I'd prefer to be married before having a baby. It probably isn't going to pan out that way now which isn't the end of the world, but I've always been honest about my preference.
• We do intend to marry at some point.
• I have a double barrelled surname. Please don't suggest I triple barrel, poor child.

Did anyone give their child their own surname? How did it go? Did the Dad mind?

Well it seems to me a woman is only a Mrs under a mans control as if he chooses to leave you're no longer a Mrs. So it isn't really your choice.

Pajamamamamma - "Ok well is there any good reason why men shouldn't be able to change their name upon marriage simply by sending off their marriage certificate?"

I wasnt aware they couldn't - is that the case? If so, then thats well out of order, do you have a link to where this is stated?

Look at the language that has been used, particularly early on in the thread, negative images, "outdated" "unthinking" really quite rude and nasty.

Whereas I'm saying each to their own, this is how I like, address each person as they wish. Inclusive, accepting of others viewpoint.

I think you all have to admit in your rush to defend your principles, you are riding roughshod over others. It is only later I have called you all, dictators as you are dictating how you would like things to be, whereas I do not express a wish for all women to be called Mrs if married, nor to change their names.

I only express an opinion on how it relates to me. I wish people to do as they see fit.

This is an important distinction.

It's hardly imposing a feminist dictatorship for me to say that I will not use a form of words that perpetuates female subjugation, and that I will not collude with you in this!

www.ukdp.co.uk/name-change-marriage/#men

Apparently for a man to change his name it's a different process as it's not the status quo.

Headofthehive my opinion is just that the status quo can have negative consequences for women and children and no consequences for men.

Pjs - "Apparently for a man to change his name it's a different process as it's not the status quo."

Well thats shit then and that needs to change obviously

I also don't believe that for some people there is a true choice.

As we have seen on this thread some women don't really want to change their name, some would quite like their children to have their name.

They haven't felt able to challenge the tradition.

Until it is socially acceptable to steer away from the tradition it isn't a choice.

I hope you don't feel I am unable to challenge as that's what seems to be implied!

I haven't always lived with DH even though I am married. So yes quite able to go against normal stereotypes!

In this case however I choose to share his name. Reasons above. You may think they are wrong reasons or are not acceptable to you but they are my reasons.

"Look at the language that has been used, particularly early on in the thread, negative images, "outdated" "unthinking" really quite rude and nasty"

I stant by those words when used, as they were, to describe upholding and perpetuating traditions for no reason except that they are traditions.

I don't think you're wrong. Had I not had my pfb from a previous relationship and had I actually liked my dh name I might have changed mine. But I'd have thought long and hard about it.

One thing I don't like the thought of is that I would only be Mrs Hisname for as long as he chose to be with me. If I stay Ms Myname I'm always going to be me.

I think some people are unthinking I mean I've even heard some people believe it's the law to change their name on marriage!

Pyjama you've hit the nail on the head, totally agree with this:
"Until it is socially acceptable to steer away from the tradition it isn't a choice."
Often when people refer to "choice" they forget all the factors and pressures that influence the choice.
I don't think it will ever be a truly neutral choice until people stop assuming what women will choose.

I mean I'm not saying you personally are unable to challenge at all.

It must be hard for some to go against the tradition though.

That's why I don't judge, never presume.

Pressure happens in all areas. To be aware of it is important. Whether it's pressure to have a career, or change your name or whatever. It's important not to push one way or another. Or make people feel they are wrong for choosing one path over another.

What I don't like is when people try push you into things. Whether it be marriage or career. Trouble is people seem to like you to be like them, and not different. The herd mentality.

Embrace your differences!

Each to their own.

'The herd mentality'

Quite.

And there is a lot of herd mentality on this thread for not using Mrs.

Or indeed keeping their own name and not changing it.

Years ago women didn't breastfeed. It was the accepted norm not to. Then it became the thing to do, Then it became mainstream, then it became difficult for those who didn't want to.

Just be careful. Your arguments hinge on equality. There is something not very equal when pressure dictates you to do one thing or another.

I'm just saying you should allow people to do as they wish.

Hive - you said down thread that traditions should be respected because they are traditions and therefore deserve respect! And now your accusing others of having a herd mentality. Can you truly not see the irony?

'And there is a lot of herd mentality on this thread for not using Mrs.

Or indeed keeping their own name and not changing it.'

Or y'know, maybe people have walked away from the herd, because the Mrs and the name changers are still very much the majority, thought about it a bit and realised that Ms makes much more sense.

'I'm just saying you should allow people to do as they wish.'

Nobody is trying to stop you doing what you want. I really don't know why you keep acting as though someone is.

OP, have you decided what name to give your future DC, or had any more conversations about it with your DP?

It's easy to get distracted by the debate but I am genuinely interested to know what you decide and what you thought of my suggestion.

"Nobody is trying to stop you doing what you want. I really don't know why you keep acting as though someone is."

Well, to be fair, I did say that I would refuse to write Mrs John Smith on her place card if she cam to my wedding. That seems to be the main threat posed by the feminist dictatorship.......

I wanted to respect it as a tradition, because it's a tradition yes, but that refers to me. I don't wish others do! I don't call them negative things!

I'm glad nobody is trying to stop me. And yes name changers possibly are still in the majority.

"And yes name changers possibly are still in the majority."

Massively so.

POSSIBLY

"I wanted to respect it as a tradition, because it's a tradition yes, but that refers to me. I don't wish others do! I don't call them negative things!

But it is unthinking to respect traditions without considering whether they are worthy of respect.