To give my DC my surname?

[GummyBunting]

This is a hypothetical situation really, but my OH and I have decided to TTC in the new year. Whilst chatting about the specifics, I said that as we are unmarried, I would want the baby to have my surname.
He was not happy. He wasn't overly mad or angry or upset (he's not the type) but I could tell it really took him aback. Is it a really weird request? And AIBU to actually dislike the assumption that babies will automatically get their father's name?

To avoid a drip feed:

• I've always said I'd prefer to be married before having a baby. It probably isn't going to pan out that way now which isn't the end of the world, but I've always been honest about my preference.
• We do intend to marry at some point.
• I have a double barrelled surname. Please don't suggest I triple barrel, poor child.

Did anyone give their child their own surname? How did it go? Did the Dad mind?

I don't need to ask, I know what people call themselves. I know their first name and surname and that's all I need. I rarely write letters but when I do, I just use first name and surname. I do have a few friends who are doctors, so I quite like using Dr (particularly when it's Dr and Mr ) but otherwise I don't think there's much need for a title. When filling in forms for myself I use Ms. I refuse to be defined by my marital status.

headofthehive - on your query about titles if you don't change your name - I don't really understand what your question is? You know, the option of "ms" has existed for....well, certainly since I've been alive (I'm in my 30's).

I've been known on bank cards, etc as "MS X" since I was 16.

I am now married, but still "Ms X" just as my husband was "Mr Y" before marriage and still is.

I do find comments about double barrelled names being "such a chore" to be very petty and snide. Especially considering that it is literally the only totally equal way to name a child.

It's amazing how a double barrelled name is sneered at, yet the same people wouldn't bat an eyelid if a woman changed her name from Ms Axe to Mrs Myerscough or something equally long.

Also, for those harping on about name changing being an english tradition - it isn't. It was an idea imported from France.

A few people here might want to try reading A HandMaid's Tale....

So you do like using titles emma.

I am sure you do know your friends well enough to know how they wish to be addressed. However, we use different names here depending on whether I am referring to someone or speaking to someone versus a different name when written down. That can cause great confusion!

So being aware if this I just like to check. There is no one I know of socially who goes by the title Ms. There is one Dr who prefers the title Mrs.

So I just like to check especially at a wedding when I didn't know all the people so well.

"So you do like using titles emma."
Er no, that's not what I said. I said that I don't use them except when writing a letter (which happens rarely) to a friend with the Dr title. That's pretty specific and is the exception not the rule. I like to use Dr in that scenario because the title is earned and I think it's an awesome achievement. In the case of Dr (female) and Mr it's particularly satisfying because it challenges an assumption that unfortunately still exists sometimes.

"There is no one I know of socially that goes by the title Ms"
Of course not. No one "goes by" a title. Especially not socially. My friends don't exactly address me as "Ms Emma Surname", we find that "Emma" usually does the trick

But what's your actual point about "Ms"? Are you saying that because you don't know anyone who uses it, it's not an option? If that's not your point, why mention it at all?

It costs nothing to change your name

Get a deed poll. A deed poll is a legal document that proves a change of name. You can change any part, add or remove names and hyphens, or change spelling. It doesn't cost anything to make your own deed poll.
Change your name by deed poll - GOV.UK
www.gov.uk/change-name-deed-poll/overview

I don't know what would happen if me and DH split - i only changed my name when we had DC's because I wanted us to have the same name - he felt stronger about his name than I did about my name, it was not a big deal to me.

I'm hoping not to find out. (obviously you never know what will happen)

I do not think less of anyone else for whatever they believe, I dont need to - I still think the name we chose link/bond us as a family - we have one name, we are a team. Other people feel bonded in other ways, and thats fine, I don't (care is the wrong word, but mind is WAY wrong so will go with care, but not in a heartless way) care enough about if your family is bonded, if you think that X,Y,Z bonds you, then thats up to you, i think that X,Y,Z and the same name bonds us

I question why men feel so strongly about their names whereas women seem to be so passive about theirs.

It's tradition but the history behind it is horrible. It's time that we had the same procedure for men to change their name as women. It would send an important message.

If a woman wants to change her name/give her children their fathers name so she should and she shouldn't be criticised for doing so.

I would hope that she has put some though into her true reasons why rather than it just been the done thing or because her husband wouldn't like it. Because I think if we're completely honest most men would find it rather confrontational.

I also hope she would consider the potential implications if her husband were to leave her and remarry. Also what she would do if she wanted to remarry and have more children. If sharing a name is so important then it has more consequences for the woman.

'There is no one I know of socially who goes by the title Ms. There is one Dr who prefers the title Mrs.'

From the description of your social circle I can't say I'm surprised that this is the case!

I had to correct people, Pyjama as we had cheques given as wedding gifts made out to Mr+Mrs Hisname with no account to pay them into. Nobody had a problem reissuing them.

Actually, first thing I did on arrival at our wedding venue was to ask demand that they change the event board to have both names on, not Mr+Mrs Hisname.

It's not an option I've ever really needed to use. emma I am aware it exists, and would of course use it if a person wanted that.

As for the automatic nature of female name changing, that's part of an even more worrying trend of gender stereotyping. Girls are actively encouraged to play princesses, to idolise Disney maidens whose only hope of escape comes through marrying a man. Marriage becomes a fantasy and name changing to that of the rescuer deeply romantic. It's total pish, of course.

"It's not an option I've ever really needed to use. emma I am aware it exists, and would of course use it if a person wanted that."

So say I'm the head of HR at a company you want to work at. My first and last names appear on the advert/company website. How do you address me in your covering letter?

Am I to be looked down upon because my social circle is not as diverse as yours?

I can see the logic un changing your last name but I can't see the logic in changing your title from Miss to Mrs.

Can anyone explain a good reason for that? Surely it would be logical to have a neutral Ms?

"There is one Dr who prefers the title Mrs."

I wonder if she prefers it or if her husband prefers it. It sounds worryingly like a community of surrendered wives........

As appeared on the website of course as I have no way of knowing whether you would prefer different.

So in that case your first and last.
You may be a Dr but if you had not said I would not presume. Or I would ring and check.

Do I pass?

If you look at where we were at the start of the last century to where we are now - that is happening - Women are changing, and are coming to the front - back then we were given to men, how many of you ladies were given away at your weddings? Less now then then of course

the world is changing, and its up to us to keep what we like, and whats good and throw out what we don't - we wont please everyone all the time, but we should do what is right for us - I shouldn't be called names because i follow an old tradition (that doesn't harm anyone) from the place I was born, in the culture I grew up in.

What difference does it make to you if i believe one thing - fuck all! thats how much! You might believe in a God, well i dont, but I would never call you an 'idiot for believing in sky faeries" You believe in and follow what the hell you like (so long as you are not harming anyone else!!!)

"Can anyone explain a good reason for that? Surely it would be logical to have a neutral Ms?"

Well, Mrs indicates possession. And among people who regard marriage as an achievement to be proud of, Mrs is a badge of honour............

bertrand on making consultant you sometimes revert back to mr / Mrs/ miss/ ms don't forget!

"bertrand on making consultant you sometimes revert back to mr / Mrs/ miss/ ms don't forget!"

Of corse. And is the doctor you refer to a consultant?

Here here angel it seems we are the only ones prepared to allow others to live as they see fit, dictatorship from the feminist fraternity is possibly worse than living under a patriarchy!

Ironic no?

It's not a belief though is it?

Yes I do like being a Mrs. Go on is that bad too?

Ok well is there any good reason why men shouldn't be able to change their name upon marriage simply by sending off their marriage certificate?

Dictatorship?

No one is suggesting they swoop in and force you to change your ways. People are just discussing. And your form of attack would appear to be pretending you're being attacked.