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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to stop providing holiday care for my best friend's child? And, if so, how?

192 replies

Jhm9rhs · 13/11/2015 13:18

Hello AIBUers,

I will keep this as brief as I can...my best friend has relied on me for holiday care for her six year old daughter for the last 18 months...in fact as long as we've known each other. This isn't a problem in itself. I'm not working currently and my friend is a working lone parent. Her DD is at school with my older DCs, who are also six. Her mum doesn't take the mick, it's 3 days a week in each holiday. I'm very fond of the little girl.

However, her behaviour is pretty bad most of the time. She is selfish and manipulative to an extreme. The atmosphere in the house is toxic when she is here.

Every holiday, I think 'I can't do this any more'. In the summer I actively discussed the situation with her mum, which was difficult, but her DD's behaviour did improve for a while.

I've tried various ways of dealing with her and I have pretty much got rid of stuff like hitting, not taking turns...the basics. But it's the more complex manipulative behaviour that's trickier, as I can't explain exactly why what she is doing isn't ok.

I have tried to tone it down to be reasonable, so I don't think it's coming across just how challenging her behaviour is.

I think my friend doesn't see any real behaviour issues, although several people including myself have discussed it with her.

I don't want to do the holiday care any more. The atmosphere in the house is miserable for everyone. Today is only a teacher training day...it's only been 5 hours and I am ready to gouge out my own eyeballs.

But AIBU? I am not sure what my friend would do. Her parents work, sometimes her DD goes to her dad's parents, but they're getting on a bit. She can't afford to pay for childcare and the other school mum who helped out has apparently told my friend she won't be able to have her DD any more due to her behaviour.

Which brings me to the second part of my question...is there any way I can put an end to this without losing my best friend?

Well, I have failed to keep this brief...but any opinions or suggestions are very welcome!

Thanks x

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 14/11/2015 12:25

IT also depends on the type of person your friend is too.

Djelibeyb · 14/11/2015 12:33

I would say you need to be honest about the challenges. Talk to her about it and offer support. Offer help. See if there's anything you can support her with and help deal with the behaviour. If she is your best friend and you've mentioned it before you obviously feel able to talk about it. Don't sugar coat it anymore. She may be horrified as her DC may not express this behaviour at home (maybe only in the group of kids) but it needs sorting. I would want my BF to be honest if she was struggling in this situation. The important thing is not to be judgemental but to be supportive. If your BF is a single parent the behaviour could simply be a jealous reaction from the child to being in a "normal" family on the outside? It isn't anyones fault but together if you both want to you can help this kid and give her a chance to change her behaviour.

Bimblywibble · 14/11/2015 13:26

Well done OP. 3 days a week! That's way, way more than I'd ever ask of my parents, let alone a friend.

Holiday childcare is one thing I've found much easier and cheaper to cover than I expected. Your friend has relied on you so much, she probably doesn't realise how manageable it will be for her yet, but it will be just fine and your own children's hols will be transformed. Have a lovely christmas.

Marynary · 14/11/2015 14:16

I disagree that OP should be talking to her friend about her child's behaviour. It really is none of her business if she is not going to be looking after the child anymore. Anyway, maybe the friend is right and is she only badly behaved in other OP's house. Maybe she hates going to there in the holidays. Who knows. Fortunately, it's not the OP's problem anymore.

expatinscotland · 14/11/2015 14:33

'Talk to her about it and offer support. Offer help. See if there's anything you can support her with and help deal with the behaviour. If she is your best friend and you've mentioned it before you obviously feel able to talk about it. Don't sugar coat it anymore. '

The OP already has, but the mate turns it back round and makes it out that the child only does this at hers.

StayWithMe · 14/11/2015 14:59

Blimey marynary are you the OP's friend? You really have tried to paint the OP in a bad light.

OP has already stated that another parent has stopped looking after the child because if her behaviour.

Marynary · 14/11/2015 15:38

Blimey marynary are you the OP's friend? You really have tried to paint the OP in a bad light.

I'm not trying to paint the OP in a bad light at all. She has done her friend a huge favour and her friend should be really grateful. I can also see things from the child's point of view though having been in a similar position as a child.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/11/2015 16:17

"I disagree that OP should be talking to her friend about her child's behaviour. It really is none of her business if she is not going to be looking after the child anymore."

Marynary Did you miss the bit where the OP posted (Fri 13-Nov-15 14:11:06) "It's not that I think she'll ditch me for not offering childcare....it's that she won't take a simple 'I don't want to do it anymore' without a detailed explanation, and she will be very hurt."

Her friend would insist on a reason. Would you have her lie? That does her friend, nor her daughter, no favours.

And if you were in a similar position as a child - don't you think it was your mother's place to teach you how to behave, and not your mother's friend, as has had to happen here? And your mother's responsibility to ensure you were happy?

Pepperpot99 · 14/11/2015 16:18

Marynary - by placing her dd in the care of the OP, she has made her dd's behaviour the OP's business. Don't be silly. You sound like you have had a parent tell you something similar.....

Marynary · 14/11/2015 18:19

Her friend would insist on a reason. Would you have her lie? That does her friend, nor her daughter, no favours.

There is no need to lie though. OP could just say that the OP's child isn't getting on with her family, she clearly doesn't enjoy staying and she isn't enjoying looking after her. Detailed criticism of the child won't achieve anything, apart from making them fall out.

Marynary · 14/11/2015 18:22

Marynary - by placing her dd in the care of the OP, she has made her dd's behaviour the OP's business. Don't be silly. You sound like you have had a parent tell you something similar.....

It's not her business if she isn't going to be looking after the child anymore though is it? No parent has ever complained about my children's behaviour by the way. Quite the opposite.

biggles50 · 14/11/2015 23:53

Just have the conversation and be honest without insulting. You've said you're fond of the girl so that's a good start. Explain that her behaviour is such that you're really out of your depth, give her some examples. Be sympathetic and aknowledge how tricky it must be, maybe ask for a break and suggest a trial return if her daughter is calmer.

YellowDinosaur · 15/11/2015 00:04

Um biggles perhaps rtft?

thickgit · 15/11/2015 00:32

Simple. Put your children first.

Fairenuff · 04/01/2016 00:11

How did it go over the Christmas holidays OP?

FlatOnTheHill · 04/01/2016 00:20

YANBU

NotQuiteSoOnEdge · 04/01/2016 01:16

Was there a last minute letdown of childcare on her part?

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