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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to stop providing holiday care for my best friend's child? And, if so, how?

192 replies

Jhm9rhs · 13/11/2015 13:18

Hello AIBUers,

I will keep this as brief as I can...my best friend has relied on me for holiday care for her six year old daughter for the last 18 months...in fact as long as we've known each other. This isn't a problem in itself. I'm not working currently and my friend is a working lone parent. Her DD is at school with my older DCs, who are also six. Her mum doesn't take the mick, it's 3 days a week in each holiday. I'm very fond of the little girl.

However, her behaviour is pretty bad most of the time. She is selfish and manipulative to an extreme. The atmosphere in the house is toxic when she is here.

Every holiday, I think 'I can't do this any more'. In the summer I actively discussed the situation with her mum, which was difficult, but her DD's behaviour did improve for a while.

I've tried various ways of dealing with her and I have pretty much got rid of stuff like hitting, not taking turns...the basics. But it's the more complex manipulative behaviour that's trickier, as I can't explain exactly why what she is doing isn't ok.

I have tried to tone it down to be reasonable, so I don't think it's coming across just how challenging her behaviour is.

I think my friend doesn't see any real behaviour issues, although several people including myself have discussed it with her.

I don't want to do the holiday care any more. The atmosphere in the house is miserable for everyone. Today is only a teacher training day...it's only been 5 hours and I am ready to gouge out my own eyeballs.

But AIBU? I am not sure what my friend would do. Her parents work, sometimes her DD goes to her dad's parents, but they're getting on a bit. She can't afford to pay for childcare and the other school mum who helped out has apparently told my friend she won't be able to have her DD any more due to her behaviour.

Which brings me to the second part of my question...is there any way I can put an end to this without losing my best friend?

Well, I have failed to keep this brief...but any opinions or suggestions are very welcome!

Thanks x

OP posts:
wotoodoo · 13/11/2015 18:15

Op having such a toxic individual in your dc's lives is something only you can control, you have inflicted that on your dc and you should put their interests first and you are not. Why not?

HortonWho · 13/11/2015 18:15

I'm sorry but your friend is manipulative - she cried, she tried to make you feel guilty - and she's got Christmas covered.

Send her a text and say thinking more about what she said, it's just not fair on your children and you can't put her feelings and her DD's feelings ahead of your DH and your own children. She has a month to find a holiday club - it's not that hard! And her DD may just behave better in a more formal setting.

HazelBite · 13/11/2015 18:19

As the Mother says that it only happens at your house I think that you should say that you do not think this arrangement should continue as it is obviously affecting her daughter badly.
In the light of her reaction there is no way you should be entertaining her daughter over the Christmas break.

Bubbletree4 · 13/11/2015 18:25

Goodness op. This woman runs rings round you. She's made you responsible for her problems and she's manipulating you emotionally by crying. She should have been mortified but actually she was just thinking, shit, how can I get a bit more child care out of Jhm.

You should text her saying: I'm sorry but having thought this through I cannot have your dd over Christmas. I have found it very difficult and stressful today and therefore I cannot help out with childcare any more.

I am surprised you put up with it so long. You might lose the friendship but actually this isn't how you should expect a real friend to treat you - like a bloody slave!!!

Scoobydoo8 · 13/11/2015 18:31

The girl sounds unhappy in the arrangement with you so you could be doing her a favour by NOT having her.

HPsauciness · 13/11/2015 18:36

The thing is, OP, anyone else would have been incredibly sorry their child behaved badly and reassured you they would seek alternative childcare.

I am thankful if my friends take my dd for a couple of hours once!!! I really would never ask anyone for regular weekly childcare like this. I don't think you see how unreasonable she is, or how manipulative.

You are obviously a very nice person, but this is now stressing you out and your children, I think you have to dig deep and text her to let her know that, given her dd is not happy at your house and only behaves badly there, that you cannot cover Christmas.

Original poster
Jhm9rhs · 13/11/2015 18:42

Urgh. You are all right, of course.

In terms of her being my best friend...well, I have lots of friends but we 'click' and see each other a lot. We help each other out. She helps me too, but by virtue of the fact I have a husband around the place and she is on her own she ends up needing more help than I do.
My DH thinks she genuinely really likes me but that she is 'a user'. Eg she's a bigger drinker than I am by far, but 9 times out of 10 she suggests buying wine and I actually buy it. He doesn't like it that she doesn't pay for some of the expenses associated with her DD being here etc.

I don't think she's a user. I think she feels hard done by more often than she should, but her heart is in the right place

OP posts:
Rachel0Greep · 13/11/2015 18:43

Another here who agrees that she has given you an out by saying it only happens in your house. Go for it, OP.

Original poster
Jhm9rhs · 13/11/2015 18:43

I don't actually know why I am inflicting it on my DC. I really don't know.

OP posts:
pudcat · 13/11/2015 18:45

Sorry but she is a user. You buy the wine. You look after her child for free. You pay for things for her naughty daughter. What does she do for you? Your husband is right.

Original poster
Jhm9rhs · 13/11/2015 18:46

Sorry, to those who asked about school....she's doing ok this year. Last year she hated it, and didn't make much progress with literacy. This year she's getting some extra support and I think the new teacher is a help. Her behaviour is okay I think, but she refuses to do activities a lot.

OP posts:
SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 13/11/2015 18:46

I'm glad you've had the conversation but I also think you need to follow it up by saying that as none of the children are happy (yours aren't and her DD can't be if she's "only like that" with you), it wouldn't be right for her to spend the Christmas holidays with you.

I can't get over the cheek of the woman, how is it ever OK for a friend to look after your child for free every damn school holiday!

I'm not surprised she cried. The gravy train is ending.

mintoil · 13/11/2015 18:48

I would tell her you have family staying over the holidays and you cannot have her after all, sorry, you will have to stop sooner.

This really isn't fair on your own DC. Time to Mum UP.

HortonWho · 13/11/2015 18:48

I know this is a total cop out but as most of us advising wouldn't have allowed it get to this stage and you have, I can only assume you have a hard time saying "no" and sticking to it and your friend uses this against you. So...

Can you tell her your DH says "no more" because the kids have been complaining to him directly, and you just had the biggest row of your marriage about you agreeing to xmas without consulting him first? As he is facilitating you being a stay-at-home-parent, your friend can't argue that it's up to you alone... especially since your kids are upset and telling him directly.

Original poster
Jhm9rhs · 13/11/2015 18:51

Ok I'm going to ring her now and say no to Christmas.

OP posts:
defineme · 13/11/2015 18:53

Be brave, text her saying on reflection you can't face xmas and as it only happens at your house she shouldn't have a problem. She really isn't my idea of a friend. I may be unusual, but it takes a lot longer than 18 months to be best friends to the level of permanent chilcare-3 days is so taking the piss-i do a couple of inset days a year formy wohp friends-holidays are for holiday clubs.

Lozza1990 · 13/11/2015 18:54

Just tell her her daughter's behavioural issues take up more time and it's not fair on your kids.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 13/11/2015 18:56

Good luck Jhm. You're doing the right thing for your family.

Jux · 13/11/2015 18:57

Please don't do it Xmas. It's really not fair on your children, they put up with 3 days a week all the other times as well as on inset days, please don't make them have to cope with her dd again.

There is loads of time for her to make other plans, book holiday etc. The more notice you give her, the better a friend you are.

If you really can't let her think it's your decision, can you blame it on your dh, say he says it's unfair on the children so you have to back out?

FrogFairy · 13/11/2015 18:57

I would put money on this so-called friend dumping you when you stop the free child care.

cozietoesie · 13/11/2015 18:58

I would tell her - immediately - that you've reconsidered and you can't do Christmas. You and your family need a happier time than is in prospect with you looking after the other child. (And if you take the child for Christmas, the odds are that it will stretch.... and stretch...... and stretch.....)

Let tonight be your line in the sand. You wouldn't be trying to get out of a contract after all.

cozietoesie · 13/11/2015 18:59

x post. Well done.

Jux · 13/11/2015 18:59

Good luck, jhm.

CarlaJones · 13/11/2015 19:02

Must admit i wouldn't have agreed to this arrangement in the first place even if the little girl was a complete angel. You are a better woman than me!

Original poster
Jhm9rhs · 13/11/2015 19:02

Right, it's done. She was very quiet about it. Only on the phone for two minutes. Feel like being sick! It's for the best though. Thanks everyone xxx

OP posts: