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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to stop providing holiday care for my best friend's child? And, if so, how?

192 replies

Jhm9rhs · 13/11/2015 13:18

Hello AIBUers,

I will keep this as brief as I can...my best friend has relied on me for holiday care for her six year old daughter for the last 18 months...in fact as long as we've known each other. This isn't a problem in itself. I'm not working currently and my friend is a working lone parent. Her DD is at school with my older DCs, who are also six. Her mum doesn't take the mick, it's 3 days a week in each holiday. I'm very fond of the little girl.

However, her behaviour is pretty bad most of the time. She is selfish and manipulative to an extreme. The atmosphere in the house is toxic when she is here.

Every holiday, I think 'I can't do this any more'. In the summer I actively discussed the situation with her mum, which was difficult, but her DD's behaviour did improve for a while.

I've tried various ways of dealing with her and I have pretty much got rid of stuff like hitting, not taking turns...the basics. But it's the more complex manipulative behaviour that's trickier, as I can't explain exactly why what she is doing isn't ok.

I have tried to tone it down to be reasonable, so I don't think it's coming across just how challenging her behaviour is.

I think my friend doesn't see any real behaviour issues, although several people including myself have discussed it with her.

I don't want to do the holiday care any more. The atmosphere in the house is miserable for everyone. Today is only a teacher training day...it's only been 5 hours and I am ready to gouge out my own eyeballs.

But AIBU? I am not sure what my friend would do. Her parents work, sometimes her DD goes to her dad's parents, but they're getting on a bit. She can't afford to pay for childcare and the other school mum who helped out has apparently told my friend she won't be able to have her DD any more due to her behaviour.

Which brings me to the second part of my question...is there any way I can put an end to this without losing my best friend?

Well, I have failed to keep this brief...but any opinions or suggestions are very welcome!

Thanks x

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 13/11/2015 20:21

Is the girls dad not about at all? I do feel sorry for her but this is not your problem.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 13/11/2015 20:21

She is a master manipulator. I expect your DH is right.

Perhaps you could make it easier on yourself by booking in some special activities or trips for you and your DC, especially on the first couple of days she would need you. I wouldn't tell her about these activities, just stick to the simple "no" you've already given. However, in your own mind, knowing you've got other plans might help to gird your loins when she pulls out all the stops.

If she is indeed a master manipulator she might even turn up on your doorstep with the DD and a sob story.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 13/11/2015 20:23

Wonder wjere DD got her manipulation skills?

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 13/11/2015 20:25

Wonder where DD learnt her manipulation skills from?

Jftbo74 · 13/11/2015 20:25

Yes I like the 'can I get back to you' approach.

But also tell your friend you have plans for the Xmas hols and want to get away. That way she will need to arrange childcare as you potentially won't be there to pick up the pieces.

iamanintrovert · 13/11/2015 20:26

Your DH is perceptive - listen to him! !

MillionToOneChances · 13/11/2015 20:31

I think your DH has this one absolutely right. Well done for ending the arrangement.

OlafLovesAnna · 13/11/2015 20:31

What about making lots of fun plans with your kids /DH for the Christmas hols? Days out, planning a board games or baking day etc, then you'll be able to legitimately feel able to say no if that last minute call comes because you really will have plans and it's not convenient for OtherChild to tag along.

MisForMumNotMaid · 13/11/2015 20:32

Maybe let slip that you think your DH has a surprise trip planned the week before Christmas. You could say he told you to keep the days clear but its a surprise so you don't know what.

Hopefully that would lead her to make actual arrangements and then if she checks (problem solved if alternate childcare arrnaged anyway) the surprise could be a meal out or something that happens that week anyway.

AprilParadox · 13/11/2015 20:34

I feel for you OP but you have done the right thing for everyone. This little girl clearly is not happy and her mum needs to work it out for her. And your family will be much happier. I hate confrontation too and I think you have been really brave.

HortonWho · 13/11/2015 21:20

If you meet up with her, just keep blaming it on your DH (he seems to have her pegged anyway) and say Yeah We had huge row...DH even accused you of having a last time emergency at Xmas and still asking us to cover at the last minute... I was livid with him because you'd never take the piss and use me like that, would you!

HortonWho · 13/11/2015 21:21

Last minute not last time

HortonWho · 13/11/2015 21:25

OP, I hope she's not a frequent FB user, but if she is... Prepare for a passive aggressive cryptic post about not being able to count on her friends/friends showing true colours, etc.

If she does, just reply with oh no Hun, what happened?? She wouldn't dare suggest publicly that you've let her down for refusing to continue free childcare after 18 months!

MarmaladeBasedProtectionRacket · 13/11/2015 21:32

I think your husband is right, you probably will get a call and a sob story about things falling through - and that is why caller ID is a wonderful thing! If you're worried about being bullied into saying yes on the phone, screen your calls. Texts can be ignored. Always answer the door with your coat on as you're just on your way out, so sorry........

somersetsoul · 13/11/2015 21:33

She must get holiday? I am a lone parent and manage it with my holiday and luckily my parents holiday. There are holiday clubs or childminders that she will get 80%(?) of the cost paid.

I hate having badly behaved children in my house. It starts to alter my dcs behaviour. I have now stopped having one of dd2s friends over for tea. I shocks me at how some children behave! I would be devastated if it were mine!

somersetsoul · 13/11/2015 21:37

Sorry, just saw your update. In that case, tell her you wont have her at Christmas. If her behaviour is only like that at your house (yeah right) then maybe she shouldnt come anymore.

Manipulator and liar. I have had to deal with one recently and its not nice.

MarmaladeBasedProtectionRacket · 13/11/2015 21:43

Well yes somersetsoul, I'm not a lone parent, but over the years I've paid for nursery, childminder, before and after school club at a daycare, holiday camps, I've taken leave, my husband's taken leave etc etc. I have never had family nearby to provide childcare either free or paid and I have never expected friends to help out on a routine basis, maybe once or twice when my car broke down or something.
When parents work, the childcare needs to cover that, and for many parents that means paying for it. Jhm9rhs has doen her friend a huge favour and saved her a lot of money and the only reasonable response from the friend is to say thank you and acknowledge that, and sort out alternative childcare.

somersetsoul · 13/11/2015 21:47

Not sure what you are getting at Marmalade?

Until you are a single parent and have to deal with that you wont understand. I would never ever take advantage of a friend like that. If I did and they asked for it to stop then I would. I would also find a way of paying them either money or something else. Maybe offer to babysit their children for them to go on a night out.

TTTatty · 13/11/2015 21:48

Well done for calling her. And maybe think of some responses now ready for that phone call at Christmas?

(And I am that sad - £30 a day childcare, three days a week, for one school year holidays of 13 weeks - £1,170 - not a bad saving for her!)

MarmaladeBasedProtectionRacket · 13/11/2015 21:54

somersetsoul I didn't mean to offend you, I was agreeing with you. I am sure it is tough for lone parents and you're right I haven't walked in your shoes. I wasn't criticizing anyone for using family as childcare at all if that's what you thought. And I wasn't having a dig at lone parents, I am so sorry if it sounded like that.

I was clumsily, it appears, agreeing with the notion that various options are available, whether paid for or not, and the friend like everyone else needs to sort something out that works for her family.

somersetsoul · 13/11/2015 21:57

Maybe I read it wrong Marmalade. I do tend to get my back up where single mums are concerned!!

I feel for the woman but she cant treat people like that x

Girlfriend36 · 13/11/2015 22:00

Just skim read the thread and it sounds like you have sorted this (hopefully) op but just wanted to add, I am a single parent to a dd and would never in a million years think this is an o.kay set up! If you are a working parent (single or otherwise) paying for childcare is a given.

She can probably claim a percentage of any childcare costs back through tax credits as well.

My best friend is also a single parent and we help each other out when we can for odd days like if a child is sick or inset days but we don't take the piss - which is what your mate has been doing!!

MarmaladeBasedProtectionRacket · 13/11/2015 22:01

somersetsoul I think we agree about OP's friend, and I think I need to be more careful about how I phrase things Smile

somersetsoul · 13/11/2015 22:02

Ha ha! I think I need to get off my single mum pedestal sometimes!! ;)

Girlfriend36 · 13/11/2015 22:07

Somerset soul if your username is an indication of where you live we could be single parent neighbours Wink Grin

It just amazes me how cheeky some people are, I don't know anyone in rl who would think this is o.kay!