...to stop providing holiday care for my best friend's child? And, if so, how?

[Jhm9rhs]

Hello AIBUers,

I will keep this as brief as I can...my best friend has relied on me for holiday care for her six year old daughter for the last 18 months...in fact as long as we've known each other. This isn't a problem in itself. I'm not working currently and my friend is a working lone parent. Her DD is at school with my older DCs, who are also six. Her mum doesn't take the mick, it's 3 days a week in each holiday. I'm very fond of the little girl.

However, her behaviour is pretty bad most of the time. She is selfish and manipulative to an extreme. The atmosphere in the house is toxic when she is here.

Every holiday, I think 'I can't do this any more'. In the summer I actively discussed the situation with her mum, which was difficult, but her DD's behaviour did improve for a while.

I've tried various ways of dealing with her and I have pretty much got rid of stuff like hitting, not taking turns...the basics. But it's the more complex manipulative behaviour that's trickier, as I can't explain exactly why what she is doing isn't ok.

I have tried to tone it down to be reasonable, so I don't think it's coming across just how challenging her behaviour is.

I think my friend doesn't see any real behaviour issues, although several people including myself have discussed it with her.

I don't want to do the holiday care any more. The atmosphere in the house is miserable for everyone. Today is only a teacher training day...it's only been 5 hours and I am ready to gouge out my own eyeballs.

But AIBU? I am not sure what my friend would do. Her parents work, sometimes her DD goes to her dad's parents, but they're getting on a bit. She can't afford to pay for childcare and the other school mum who helped out has apparently told my friend she won't be able to have her DD any more due to her behaviour.

Which brings me to the second part of my question...is there any way I can put an end to this without losing my best friend?

Well, I have failed to keep this brief...but any opinions or suggestions are very welcome!

Thanks x

Well done jhm. So hard but you did the right thing for your family.

You did the right thing. Just remember you have been doing her a huge favour and saved her tons of money, at huge inconvenience to yourself. Don't feel guilty.

She is taking the absolute piss. I would never expect someone to look after my dc for three days a week and not offer them payment

Well done, not a fun conversation but absolutely the right outcome for your family. You might have to say goodbye to your friendship but she is a total freeloader anyway.

18 months of free childcare is splendid. YANBU op.

She will get tax credits towards childcare. And yes it's her problem not yours.

If the currency of your friendship is and has always been the childcare you will soon find out.

Tell her kindly but firmly.

I work FT and cover holidays with a combination of taking holiday myself, and getting XP to do the same. I have no family to help out. Sometimes I pay for holiday childcare for any gaps.
It's just a fact of life.

Just seem update. Well done. You'll feel better tomorrow

Well done OP.

Thanks everyone so much.

I think you'll be saving some money on all the YOU buy and SHE drinks!

Well done OP.

How can you say she's not a user? She's the dictionary definition of a user!

You did your best Op and really helped out beyond the call of duty or friendship. You must not feel guilty - your duty is to your own family, not her dd.

Well done op.

you are a kind person and were very kind to her.

I hope she sees that and doesn't turn on you now you are no longer "of use"

It's the best thing to do. I had to do similar with my best friend. In the end I explained that my DS was really unhappy and upset spending time with her DS. They didn't get on. We met in the evenings for 6 months without kids

She is a user, OP. You sound like a nice person who is trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. Chances are, she'll move on to some other mug once you knock the free childcare on its head.

Everyone in life makes choices. She's not your responsibility.

Hope the call went well.

Wow, just wow. So your friend not only has had free childcare for 18 months, but also doesn't offer to buy you pressies to say thank you or pay for her dd's food or activities while with you? And you buy her wine...

She's not sounding like a great friend...

Good for you for ringing her and saying no to Christmas. It is her problem. I wonder if you'll hear much from her now?

Well done OP but be on your guard against her trying to talk you around between now and Christmas, or not bothering to sort something out and then contacting you in a panic at the last minute.

Well done OP. You sometimes have to put your own kids first. I recently did the same thing and don't feel an ounce of guilt.

DH predicts a 'last minute fallthrough' of her childcare plans at Christmas. He suspects that on many of the other occasions when I've had her for extra days here and there, there was never any fallthrough, and I was going to get that call all along. I'm not sure but I'm going to be prepared to say no.

Here's to a relaxed Christmas break for you and your family.

I'd say DH could be right, so be prepared. She is a user, keep that in mind. Well done on telling her you can't do it anymore. Now stick to that, regardless of what she tries on.

No doubt she will be on the phone crying that her non existent childcare has 'fallen through'... Be firm!! You've made plans, no can do. And as a pp said, use your husband as the reason, he says no chance, end of discussion (I may have used that one myself when I wasn't man enough (pun intended) to stand up to someone)

Well done OP, you mustn't feel bad about putting your own DC above the wants (not needs) of a friend who takes much more than she gives.

Don't back down!

If she calls ... first response hang on, can i check and get back to you? Do not say yes/no straight away! Ring back no sorry doesnt work`