...to stop providing holiday care for my best friend's child? And, if so, how?

[Jhm9rhs]

Hello AIBUers,

I will keep this as brief as I can...my best friend has relied on me for holiday care for her six year old daughter for the last 18 months...in fact as long as we've known each other. This isn't a problem in itself. I'm not working currently and my friend is a working lone parent. Her DD is at school with my older DCs, who are also six. Her mum doesn't take the mick, it's 3 days a week in each holiday. I'm very fond of the little girl.

However, her behaviour is pretty bad most of the time. She is selfish and manipulative to an extreme. The atmosphere in the house is toxic when she is here.

Every holiday, I think 'I can't do this any more'. In the summer I actively discussed the situation with her mum, which was difficult, but her DD's behaviour did improve for a while.

I've tried various ways of dealing with her and I have pretty much got rid of stuff like hitting, not taking turns...the basics. But it's the more complex manipulative behaviour that's trickier, as I can't explain exactly why what she is doing isn't ok.

I have tried to tone it down to be reasonable, so I don't think it's coming across just how challenging her behaviour is.

I think my friend doesn't see any real behaviour issues, although several people including myself have discussed it with her.

I don't want to do the holiday care any more. The atmosphere in the house is miserable for everyone. Today is only a teacher training day...it's only been 5 hours and I am ready to gouge out my own eyeballs.

But AIBU? I am not sure what my friend would do. Her parents work, sometimes her DD goes to her dad's parents, but they're getting on a bit. She can't afford to pay for childcare and the other school mum who helped out has apparently told my friend she won't be able to have her DD any more due to her behaviour.

Which brings me to the second part of my question...is there any way I can put an end to this without losing my best friend?

Well, I have failed to keep this brief...but any opinions or suggestions are very welcome!

Thanks x

You've been doing this for over a year as a massive favour. Presumably she's not in a position to reciprocate - but that's not the point - but you presumably did not expect to be signing up for ever (regardless of the other issues).
You need to be honest and if you have already raised the behaviour issues with her in the past then the whole thing should not come as too much a surprise for her. If she asks to explain then do tell the truth, what you have written here. There's no point in coming up with feeble excuses, if found out it will make the whole thing worse. Most after-school clubs run as full daycare during training days and in the holidays, that will have to be her fall back option.

Training days are to be spent enjoying with your kids: we have one coming up and I am planning with DD what we'll do - I do have to take a days' leave for this.

The other way of saying that her behaviour is difficult is to say that children don't get on. The older children are, the more they like to spend time with their friends, not random people, and it's natural in your situation to facilitate this. Friendships are important! If your children can't see friends because you are already busy with this girl, then you are really depriving your children of something very special.

I am observing something similar with my friend, who provides free childcare to our mutual friend's very difficult DS, and it's not doing anybody any good. What's interesting is that the difficult behaviour generated tension on both sides and the boy can feel that he is simply being tolerated (not genuinely welcome) and hates the whole situation also. The only person who's happy with the arrangement is the busy mum.

It's difficult to say no, but your alternative is far more damaging than temporary discomfort.

Just say you can't continue with the arrangement because you're finding her behaviour too challenging to deal with, on top of your own children. You're giving her plenty of notice.

When I was facing a similar decision, I felt it's unfair that a child is 'tolerated' in my home. Of course, I wouldn't treat a challenging child unfairly, but I think that long term a child would pick up the bad vibes, however hard I try to hide it. Plus my children would not be as diplomatic about the bad behaviour as I, so, again, just not fair to invite a child, who is not truly welcome and who no one wants to play with.

I think I'm not nice...since my own children are suffering....I think i just hate confrontation! My friend gets very down, very easily. I have to say something, though. I was hoping that she would wise up that there was a big problem once various people had pointed it out to her, but no.

The strange thing is that, on the surface at least, our parenting styles and approach to problem solving don't seem very different, so I wouldn't have thought we'd have trouble getting house rules followed by all the children.

It's easy for me to sit here and say do this or that...
Tell her the child's behaviour is more than you can manage and it's affecting your DCs. It's impacting on your family and as of x you won't have the child.

it's that she won't take a simple 'I don't want to do it anymore' without a detailed explanation, and she will be very hurt.

Look, she might want a detailed explanation but that doesn't mean you have to give one. You can push it right back on her "There's nothing I could tell you that you don't already know. Of course as her mum, you know her behavioural difficulties better than anyone else, so I know you'll understand the problems it causes for me." or if pushed "There's no point me giving you a million examples or you promising to change things for me. I know you try to help your DD but my mind is made up. I can't do it any more."

Could you speak to the other mum who has stopped taking her and find out what she said and what the reaction was?

When she presses you for a detailed explanation, you counter with... I've been doing this for 18 MONTHS!!! Just how long did you expect me to do free childcare for you - until she goes to university?!

Honestly, X you don't DEMAND an explanation from someone who's been doing free childcare for you for a year and a half -- you thank them graciously for doing it as long as they have been.

And act insulted that instead of saying thank you for doing this as long as you have done, she is interrogating you and demanding explanations.

OP, pretty much everyone hates confrontation - it's how we all get railroaded into doing things we'd rather not. But sometimes - and this is one of those times - you just have to say no. You've raised it with her before, you're giving her plenty of time to make other plans, you are being more than fair.

Some excellent points raised here, thank you all.

I can see myself saying that things aren't working out with the way the children interact, and that I can't deal with the sort of issues I have already discussed with her as well as looking after the other three children.

I think, on some level, she MUST know the issues that are there and be ignoring them by choice.

You will have to be honest and frank with her. Tell her that you find her dd behaviour very difficult and challenging to deal with, your children find it very hard when she's there, I am very sorry I cannot look after your dd anymore. Put you and your children first, don't cave in.

Op, I think you need to be honest with your friend, don't make up excuses. Your childrens' happiness need to come first and they shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable in their own home. Good luck, tricky one for you. If she dumps you as a friend, then you know she wasn't a true friend in the first place and just using you.

Honesty is the best policy and the only way you can have a chance of keeping your friendship intact.

If you tell a white lie (it's not convenient/ I can't manage this number of dcs) she'll know you're lying and be more hurt and upset.

If you don't give any reason (it's not working for me / I will no longer be looking after dd) she will know something's being left unsaid and again feel very hurt and 'unfriended'.

If you tell the truth in an honest but no room for false hope type way you may hurt your friend. You may even lose her friendship but she's much less likely to resent you and she may even confide in you about her worries about her dd.

Give her plenty of advance warning and say something like Look friend, I'm not going to look after your dd next holidays. She's not getting on with my dcs at all and I'm not able to manage her behaviour. She's doing X,Y and Z which is making us all unhappy. I understand it will make things difficult for you so I will try to help you find alternative childcare.

I agree with Haff except for this:

'I understand it will make things difficult for you so I will try to help you find alternative childcare.'

This makes it the OPs problem. It is not. Don't make it one or you will find yourself guilted into continuing this arrangement.

This is the mother's problem, the warning period is just that.

I think 'children do not get on' is pretty idiot-proof. It implies that possibly they have got on previously, but not any more (happens!), it can be read as if your children no longer get on with this girl if she really is in complete denial about behaviour related issues, and it protects you from possible future accusations along the lines of 'why is she inviting other children then, but not my DD?'

But I really like what HortonWho said ^

You DO NOT owe her anything. You can explain as much or as little as you want to. If she's likely to be upset, then it's better to keep it brief and not fill any silences for the sake of it. Just get it over and done with. Must be done. Must be done. It'll be over soon enough.

Is she coming to pick the child up later today? If so I think now is your moment - when she asks how the day has gone, you say 'really not well at all, I'm sorry this just isn't working, the children don't get on together well enough (or something like that) and I am finding it too stressful, and I think my children are suffering from the arrangement'

Have examples of the child's behaviour that you find intolerable so you can counteract any comebacks she may have. Stick to your guns and be assertive 'yes I hear what you are saying but I'm afraid it's just not working for me and I have decided not to do it anymore'

As others have said - it's not your problem, you can't expect friend to do something for free on a permanent basis as a solution to childcare - it's taking advantage.

I would tell her today when she picks her daughter up. Just say that this has to be the last time as her dd's behaviour is making everyone including you unhappy and stressed.

Be brave Op and think of the impact on your own children. If the atmosphere is toxic when friend's DD is there, your children must dread those days.

You say in your op that your friend doesn't take advantage - your definition and mine are hugely different then - 3 days every week of every holiday, and unpaid!!!! Presumably the other mum was having friend's DD for the other 2 days? Your friend really has made her childcare everyone else's problem, and I think that is massively taking advantage of other people's good nature.

Its telling that you've been providing free childcare "for as long as we've known each other". If she drops you as a friend as soon as you stop being useful to her then you'll know whether she was a true friend or not.

If she is your best friend you need to be honest with her. She'd much rather hear the truth about her daughter than lose you as holiday care.

Put your foot down, tell her exactly what is happening and then come up with a timescale as to when, with your help, you expect the behaviour to be sorted by.

You could offer to have her one day per week from now on, explaining that 3 days are too many, given her attitude. This means that your friend has to make arrangements for 2 days not 3, which will help her a bit. You have been a brilliant friend to stick it out for this long, so feel no guilt! Your friend needs to address her child's behaviour and this may be the spur.

Expat you disagreed with me about offering to help find alternative childcare. The reason I suggested that was because OP is close friends with this mum (as well as her unpaid childminder) and she wants to stay friends.
As a friend what would you do if your best friend was struggling? You'd offer to help. OP can't look after this dd herself but she can help her friend by looking into childminders or holiday clubs in the area.

I agree that she shouldn't make it her responsibility though. Suggestions not promises.

You have been incredibly kind to provide free childcare to someone with a difficult child. You don't need to explain at all why you won't do it any more, and if she kicks up a fuss then she's not much of a friend - she's taking the piss. My friends and I are incredibly grateful to one another if we look after each other's children for a couple of hours as a one-off. There is absolutely no way we would expect each other to provide free childcare for weeks on end.

I'm a SAHM to benefit my family and children - we take a financial hit for this. I've been happy to help you out for the last 18 months but I've reached the point I can't do it any more it's too much and my own children are now suffering. I won't be able to help you at Christmas so you will have to make other arrangements.

Said with a smile - if she presses for more detailed explanation - just do the broken record - It's just not possible - I've done 18 months - it's just not possible any more.

If she is upset - remind yourself that it's not your problem and you have to prioritise your DC. If she get's nasty or drops you as a friend - she really wasn't a friend in the first place and you would have found this out at some point.

Haff - the problem with offering to help find other childcare is it gives the impression the OP will do the care until she's found an alternative.