...to stop providing holiday care for my best friend's child? And, if so, how?

[Jhm9rhs]

Hello AIBUers,

I will keep this as brief as I can...my best friend has relied on me for holiday care for her six year old daughter for the last 18 months...in fact as long as we've known each other. This isn't a problem in itself. I'm not working currently and my friend is a working lone parent. Her DD is at school with my older DCs, who are also six. Her mum doesn't take the mick, it's 3 days a week in each holiday. I'm very fond of the little girl.

However, her behaviour is pretty bad most of the time. She is selfish and manipulative to an extreme. The atmosphere in the house is toxic when she is here.

Every holiday, I think 'I can't do this any more'. In the summer I actively discussed the situation with her mum, which was difficult, but her DD's behaviour did improve for a while.

I've tried various ways of dealing with her and I have pretty much got rid of stuff like hitting, not taking turns...the basics. But it's the more complex manipulative behaviour that's trickier, as I can't explain exactly why what she is doing isn't ok.

I have tried to tone it down to be reasonable, so I don't think it's coming across just how challenging her behaviour is.

I think my friend doesn't see any real behaviour issues, although several people including myself have discussed it with her.

I don't want to do the holiday care any more. The atmosphere in the house is miserable for everyone. Today is only a teacher training day...it's only been 5 hours and I am ready to gouge out my own eyeballs.

But AIBU? I am not sure what my friend would do. Her parents work, sometimes her DD goes to her dad's parents, but they're getting on a bit. She can't afford to pay for childcare and the other school mum who helped out has apparently told my friend she won't be able to have her DD any more due to her behaviour.

Which brings me to the second part of my question...is there any way I can put an end to this without losing my best friend?

Well, I have failed to keep this brief...but any opinions or suggestions are very welcome!

Thanks x

Get your dh to answer the Phone

Im near Glastonbury Girlfriend36!

Well done OP. Think your DH has this woman bang to rights and I also agree about where the DD's manipulative behaviour originates. Expect more attempts to reel you back in and stay strong

Ah about half hour from me then Somerset I'm near Taunton

Sorry op getting side tracked! Fwiw I think being a single parent in your friends case is a bit of a red herring, she is taking the piss and although being a single parent is not easy she shouldn't be using you like this.

No way! We often go to the Brewhouse for kids shows! We are off to the Snowman thing there in a couple of weeks x

(sorry op!)

Wow. So she expected you and your children to hang around every holiday so that you could look after her child 3 days a week .... for free? How could you have possibly thought she wasn't taking the mick? Even if her child was an angel, she definitely was. Glad you've got it sorted and please stand strong in the face of her 'emergency childcare' issues.

Other parents arrange and pay for holiday care, so can she!

Ah thanks everyone! I am going to make lots of specific plans for the Christmas break so I have easy excuses to hand, and I will definitely use the 'let me get back to you ' option if needed.

I'm so grateful...I felt so trapped and now I actually have the ability to deal with this!

Well done, OP.

Well done, even with a very well behaved child, this is a huge ask for anybody, even grandparents, let alone friends. I would not say I will get back to you, as it implies that you will be happy to look after her again, I woukd just reiterate what you told her, I am sorry I already told you that I am not able to look after your dd, as her behaviour has become too much it is affecting me and my children, I cannot cope with it, sorry! A good friend will be totally understanding, and would never expect that of you anyway.

Op did you ever take a holiday yourself in the school holidays...and if so what did she do with her daughter then?
I ended up in a similar situation a few years ago...providing after school care until about 5.30pm every night for a badly behaved boy....my own kids hated it and i found it very stressful....the parents did pay me £30 a week so at least there was a little benefit.

Or just say I am sorry I already told you I am unable to look after your daughter anymore, I gave you my reasons, please could you stop asking me. Sounds like a user, at least she shoukd have paid you, of course she's annoyed, free childcare has gone. Either she finds suitable paid childcare, finds a term time job, or gives up work and claims benefits for the time being.

It might mean that she is forced to address her dd's behaviour, which will be better for her and her daughter in the long run.

I have read the thread and it's all sorted! Definitely have some different ready made excuses for the Christmas holidays. I love I'll get back to you.

Or get your H to answer the phone. And just, 'No, have plans already. Can't do that.'

No excuses, just tell her, I told you no I cannot look after your dd. Her response will tell you everthing about the friendship. If she goes off in a huff and starts being horrible, I am afraid that she is not the friend you thought she was.

'I'm sorry but I'm busy that day'

And

'Our children don't get on at all anyway so it's best not to. DD gets so upset when x comes over'

And, as someone earlier mentioned, don't be surprised if she dumps you now the freebies are over.

Well done for standing up for yourself.
I look after my friends daughter after school 2 days a week until 5.30/6. She pays me £5 a day which is not loads but at the same time acknowledges that I am doing her a favour! If I have her for a day she pays me for the day. And sometimes buys me a treat like a bottle of wine or something as a little extra.
Sometimes it's a pain but mostly I don't mind and don't overly feel taken advantage of. Our DD's are in the same class and for the most part get on very well so it is a good thing for them too. She is good though and understands if I say no on occasion and sorts something else out, like most people would!

Stay strong and don't let her walk all over you. You will feel like a cloud has lifted and you'll probably all feel much happier!

Well done. These arrangements work out unless you are being recompensed or reciprocated. I am a SAHM and stay out of these arrangements as much as I can as I always lose out. I am always happy to help in emergencies but regular childcare is a no no. I don't like other people's children that much!

I meant rarely work out.

Looking forward for the thread to resume in a few weeks!

Well done for asserting yourself. You have done her a huge favour by looking after her dd for the last 18 months. I hope that she appreciates it.
Regarding her DD's behaviour she may be worse when she is at your house or other parent's houses because she perhaps hates being there. I remember how much I hated having to go to a friend's house after school every day for a year when I was about eight so I can sympathise with her really. She would probably be much happier at a holiday club where other children are in the same boat as her.

As others have said, don't be surprised if she no longer is your 'friend'. That is a very big demand, to have someone provide free childcare, for all that time, especially when it was causing stress in your house. Stay strong, OP.

I agree, you said you have been providing her with free childcare for nearly all the time you known her, of course she will be your best friend. I woukd not be surprised if now, your dropped like a hot potato.

I had to do the same with my friend but our friendship continued no problem. It's how you do it that matters.