...to stop providing holiday care for my best friend's child? And, if so, how?

[Jhm9rhs]

Hello AIBUers,

I will keep this as brief as I can...my best friend has relied on me for holiday care for her six year old daughter for the last 18 months...in fact as long as we've known each other. This isn't a problem in itself. I'm not working currently and my friend is a working lone parent. Her DD is at school with my older DCs, who are also six. Her mum doesn't take the mick, it's 3 days a week in each holiday. I'm very fond of the little girl.

However, her behaviour is pretty bad most of the time. She is selfish and manipulative to an extreme. The atmosphere in the house is toxic when she is here.

Every holiday, I think 'I can't do this any more'. In the summer I actively discussed the situation with her mum, which was difficult, but her DD's behaviour did improve for a while.

I've tried various ways of dealing with her and I have pretty much got rid of stuff like hitting, not taking turns...the basics. But it's the more complex manipulative behaviour that's trickier, as I can't explain exactly why what she is doing isn't ok.

I have tried to tone it down to be reasonable, so I don't think it's coming across just how challenging her behaviour is.

I think my friend doesn't see any real behaviour issues, although several people including myself have discussed it with her.

I don't want to do the holiday care any more. The atmosphere in the house is miserable for everyone. Today is only a teacher training day...it's only been 5 hours and I am ready to gouge out my own eyeballs.

But AIBU? I am not sure what my friend would do. Her parents work, sometimes her DD goes to her dad's parents, but they're getting on a bit. She can't afford to pay for childcare and the other school mum who helped out has apparently told my friend she won't be able to have her DD any more due to her behaviour.

Which brings me to the second part of my question...is there any way I can put an end to this without losing my best friend?

Well, I have failed to keep this brief...but any opinions or suggestions are very welcome!

Thanks x

Say something today. Make her a cup of tea.

Her: How's your day been?

You: I'm sorry, Friend, there's no easy way for me to say it but my day has been really hard. LittleFriend and my DC just don't get on and it's just too much for me. I'm afraid I'm going to stop having her for you. I really hope it won't affect our friendship because I really value that.

She might try to speak to her dd etc but just repeat that it's too much for you. I would be inclined to offer to help her find other options but I'm like that. She will likely tell you how hard she's trying etc but just nod and look sad and say you see how hard it is but don't change your mind.

Good luck.

I don't see why you have to give her a detailed explanation if you've already had the difficult conversation with her about her child's behaviour. You can simply say that there has been no improvement and you really can't carry on coping with it. I wouldn't bring in her interaction with your children, otherwise she might say it's to do with them.

When you talked about her daughter's behaviour, did you talk at all about how she is at school? I'm wondering whether there is any underlying reason for it that she might need some professional help with.

But in any event that isn't your concern, given that even if she gets help it won't be an overnight cure. If just one day with this child is too much to you, I agree you really need to stop the arrangement now. It might even push her into getting her child the right help or support.

Agree the "It's just not working as the children don't get on" line works as it's not putting all the blame on her DD, and it's not something she can 'fix' for you.

She must be seeing this coming I'm sure. Be brave, as others have said, it might be the wake up call she needs and motivate her to address the behavioural issues with her daughter. Nothing for you to feel remotely bad about, just be honest

It would be a good idea to tell her sooner rather than later because the earlier you tell her, the more time she has to find alternative childcare for her dd.

You will have to be firm though, once you've told her, don't relent when she comes begging, just this once, etc. because that will be easier (and cheaper) for her than sorting out paid childcare so she will almost certainly try that first.

There is the week before Christmas coming up when schools will have broken up, are you planning on having her then and starting the new arrangement in the New Year or do you want to stop it straight away?

It won't be news to the op's friend. She probably knows how difficult the op is finding it but burying her head in the sand as she doesn't have any alternative childcare.

OP you are really not being unreasonable at all. Asking you to have her dd for 3 days a week unpaid in the holidays really is taking the mick.

It's not working for me. I'm finding it too much.

Well, it's been broached. She asked how the day had been and I told her a few of the things that had happened. She was sad and furious...with her DD not with me. I told her I felt I couldn't carry on having her DD. She offered to pay. I said it wasn't about money, it was about how the kids interact. She started to cry. I felt bad. I said I could continue to have her over Christmas but that after that I wouldn't be willing to do it any more, especially as I hope to take on a bit of work after Christmas. She seemed ok with it, but I know by agreeing to do another holiday I've left myself wide open to her not taking it seriously.

She said two things that made me very cross. Firstly that her DD is only like it here, which is a lie. And that she wishes she didn't work so she had time to work on behaviour, I don't know how lucky I am apparently. Well, I have only not worked for a year and I've been a mum for six years, so I have some idea. I'm hoping she was just on the defensive.

Thanks for all the advice and I'm sorry I was such a wimp. Without your support I wouldn't have brought it up at all.

She insulted you but still managed to guilt trip you into giving in and taking her DD once more over Christmas. You are a mug.

Do you wonder where the DD gets her manipulative streak from? Obviously her mother!

I would also tell her I wouldn't be doing the Christmas holidays after all. She's cheeky isn't she?

I'm glad you have sorted this OP, you shouldn't feel guilty or responsible for her alternative arrangements, and you shouldn't have to justify yourself to her for no longer wanting to do her a massive favour.

I find it exhausting to have other children around, however sweet they are, but if they are a bit difficult then it really does adversely affect the whole family dynamic.

You have done the hardest bit, stand firm and don't let her try and wheedle more favours out of her in future. If you feel selfish then think of it in terms of putting your own DCs first.

Well, she has given you an out hasn't she?
I would say that actually you have thought about what she has said and that as her dd is only like this for you then clearly the dd is not happy with the arrangement and it would be best you don't do Christmas. If she gets upset just remember her nasty words!

You've tried the honest bit, for me now is the time for a white lie. Give it a few days and then tell her the good news that you've been asked to do some temporary work/supply/ whatever is similar to your previous job and unfortunately can't take her dd over the Christmas holidays after all [very sad face]. And you are so glad you found this out now because it gives her time ro find something else...

Her comment that her dd is only like this at yours would totally clinch the deal for me- how incredibly rude when you know it's a lie.

Tell her that she knows what the issues are already, other people have talked to her about them. That nothing has really changed, and those problems are the same now as they were then.

Please tell her, as her child will continue to be difficult for everyone throughout her life if you don't. Be brave!

Maybe a teacher could help her work out how best to help her child? I imagine they'll be aware, at least.

If that's her response then I'd refuse to do it over Christmas. Do you really want another holiday ruined? You are enabling her to work- it's solely for her benefit and is costing you emotionally and financially. Is it really worth it? She's not even acknowledging the huge favour you are doing. Even if her child were an angel, you have saved her hundreds if not thousands of pounds. And yet you've caused her crappy behaviour?

I agree, tell her that as her dd only behaves like that at your house, it's clearly better for her to make other arrangements immediately.

It sounds like the reality is that she thinks working gives her an excuse to opt out of dealing with her child's behaviour. I wonder how she thinks the rest of us working mothers manage to bring our dc up to be nice human beings?

She cried, she implied the behaviour is your fault as it only happens with you, and rubbed it in by saying you don't know how lucky you are - ie share some of that luck by providing her with free childcare - she's good isn't she?

In your OP you call her your best friend - do you really think so? You're her free childcare and I think her response to you trying to back out of that has shown you the way the friendship is headed if you stop this arrangement.

You already know the child has behaved so badly with another mum that she has stopped providing care so you know the behaviour is not just down to you or your inability to deal with it. I would give it a couple of days for you to calm down and just very politely say the arrangement is not working - either for you, for the reasons you've already given, or for her and her daughter given the daughter's behaviour in your care and the mum's accusations around that, therefore you can't have her over Christmas and you are giving her adequate notice to arrange something else. This isn't a surprise, you gave her a heads up in the summer.

Out of interest, how much is the hourly going rate for a childminder? Or take holiday clubs as an example, they are about £35-40 a day here. Time that by three days a week over the school holidays of the past 18 months....

I'm too lazy to calculate this just now but OP you have saved this friend an enormous amount of money. Do not let her guilt trip you into carrying on like this when it negatively affects your whole family

You've only known her for a year and a half? How close is she really? You call her a best friend but that's quite a short time for a best friend, especially one who asked you
To look after her child in school holidays right from the off.

TTTatty's response to your update is perfect.

I'd also be a bit that she's offering you money now, presumably she could have offered you some kind of payment before?

Does she ever get you a thank you card, wine etc?

Have you asked your DC what they think OP? My parents were in a similar situation when I was a child. My father ran his own business and the premises were attached to our house. He employed someone as a receptionist, and because she had a DD a year older than me, it was agreed that she would be in the house with me, every single day of the school holidays. We hated each other. I tried to be friends, but she didn't want that and just caused trouble. She was even there if I wasn't, if I went to my grandparents or to a friend's house, and she would go through my toys and books, often ruining things.

This lasted about six years! I would never do this to my DC. It was a really bad experience for me. I used to tell my DM about the nasty things this girl would do, and she wouldn't really believe me. It was only when we were teenagers that my DM realised how difficult this girl was, and said that she wished she had done things differently. I felt let down as a child, because I was stuck with this horrible girl in my home every day.

Don't let your friend guilt you into this any longer. It's not fair on you or your children.

Turn this round, OP, to help you stop being such a doormat: you are willing to fuck up your kids' Christmas holiday because of this freeloader who tries to make her child's ill behaviour your fault and makes you feel guilty about yourself and your choices? For real?

'I've thought this over. This situation really stresses out my kids. I can't do this to them over Xmas. You need to make other arrangements.

She has a month. That's plenty of time.

And no, no suggestions to help her find alternative. Because she is a piss taker. And your kids are paying the price.

How is the girl at school?

One thing that jumped out is Ime the 'she's only like it here' and 'I wish I had time to work on behaviour' are used by parents who know there is a problem but can't admit it and/or are at a loss of where to start.

If she's not responding to your behavioural techniques, and by the sound of it others too then I'd say the route cause of this behaviour needs looking into. She must be getting something out of behaving this way. Behaviour is learnt.

It could be quite simply that she goes to others houses and sees their parents at home and she's jealous. Perhaps attending a play scheme/school holiday club where she's interacting with other children of working parents would be of benefit to her. So you've probably done her and her mum a favour - you've certainly done your own children and yourself one - and you and them have to be your priority. So don't feel guilty.