Hi creamponies,
I'm sorry to hear you are in so much distress. Your situation sounds very difficult. Please try not to be upset about some of the hard things that have been said about the way you write. Please forgive me for pointing out that some of it is, indeed, difficult to follow. There is nothing to be ashamed of in this. There is a huge difference between a poster writing in a lazy, sloppy way and a poster who struggles to communicate well. Not everybody has access to the same educational opportunities. Well done for being brave enough to reach out to people and seek help.
I think I'm right in concluding, from certain turns of phrase you've used, that, like me, you're Irish. I'm guessing, too, that you live in a small town or rural village rather than Dublin or another city? I think, OP, that there are cultural differences which will make it more difficult for UK readers to comprehend people still living at home in their 30s and 40s. I get it, particularly the problems around having sex in the parental home!
The main thing I want to say to you, creamponies, is that you are not useless, ugly or fat. I think you have a sadly poor sens of your own worth, plus little experience of what to expect and demand in a relationship. It seems to me all the holiday stuff is merely a symptom of deeper problems, which is that your partner is not really committed to you, and neither of you is communicating well with the other. Unfortunately, OP, I don't think this man is likely to change at this point in his life. I don't think he will give you what you want. Would you like to get married? Do you want to try for children? What course are you doing and have you had a job in the past?
OP, you must remember you are not worthless or ugly. Do you have a medical card? Could you talk to your GP about perhaps accessing some counselling on the public health system? Some private counsellors will offer a service to people on low incomes whereby only a small fee is charged. If you would like to feel more confident about your writing, spelling etc, you could perhaps contact an organisation called NALA,which could provide you with support. Again, there is no shame in needing this type of help.
Do you have friends you can talk to about how you are feeling and your relationship? I hope you're okay, OP. Mind yourself.