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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

hi maybe i am aibu or i need to vent dp rant

203 replies

creamponies · 09/11/2015 15:04

hi just joined today,
been with my dp for 4 years, i do love him but he is a bit twisted. can be quite cold, doesn't really express but he does love me in his own way ish. we have no kids but there are issues in are end.
so my rant is i love holidays yes cant afford them but will scrape any money for it .
oh i love the freedom and seeing new or old places. anyway not by the want of trying i love him to either to "whisk" me away or either go half's or whatevers so in 4 years i have brought him twice. and we had a nice time he had a couple of exs before me and they were usually either dumped him after the holidays or him to them (sick i know).

he always had a decent excuse of why he cant go or book for the last 6 months i couldn't really take time off as i started a course or when he was sick and i supported him he owned me a weekend away at least. we had the conversation we have to do this or that or go here or there and his responses is we will. Well i introduced a timeline i wanted to go away on the bank hoilday weekend in august. and he said he was "looking" for a holiday break i wanted him to book me a place as he be moany and i don't want to go to b and bs either.

the date came and passed said everything is booked out blah blah i forgave him but expressed you have bank holiday weekend in October the week before he said he couldn't do that week as he work things but the week after would be Halloween and you to the weekend away. I said yes of course anything it would have been great us out on halloween together. We dont live together and we rarely have intimacy time together . and i have refused to have it in my house as it was always in my house.

so i kept asking him have you booked it yet? he said to me im still looking. so i said well you want to hurry up and he mentioned about this place and i said yeah i go there where is the hotel? he told it was a b and b and i went to him sorry i dont do b and bs. well at half 3 on friday he told me that he didnt book it and it was all my fault. as he dont do hoildays and i had loads. i said yes but not with my dp im sick of going with my friends i wanted to go with you.
he siad im saving up for a house? im like a house for you but i wont be living with a man that wont or either take me away we havent spoken that weekend spend Halloween on my own. On Monday he rang me and siad i take you away for new year and i said no either you book something for this week or the next but i wont be hanging out with you unless you book a weekend away in the next week or 2. his best offer was a few weeks after Christmas and im like no because you come up with a different excuse by then since then we havent spoken to each other he hasn't even text hello i dont know im running out of patience. how can he be so cold and im like the bad wolf that all i wanted was for him to take me away as i paid for the last holiday

OP posts:
PaulAnkaTheDog · 09/11/2015 18:40

Seriously OP, it does sound like you expect relationships to be like they are in the movies. What you're describing isn't even close to a normal relationship, so it is no wonder you are feeling the way you do. I suggest you end it.

PatriciaHolm · 09/11/2015 18:41

You want him to care about you but he doesn't. That's it. It's not going to change. You're not in a relationship with him in any real sense of the term anyway.

Sunnyminimalist2 · 09/11/2015 18:42

I think unappreciated hospital visits, two hour bus journeys daily, sponging off you (while in hospital/on your holiday) don't boad well for a future together.

Some people just aren't into holidays and prefer to save. However it shouldn't be at the expense of other people's finances/time.

OP maybe you tell him you want a break. Date other people.

Sunnyminimalist2 · 09/11/2015 18:43

I don't think he sounds normal

ciele · 09/11/2015 18:44

I fink youse lot r being really meen two posta n ort too stop write know.

creamponies · 09/11/2015 18:44

when we get on we do be very happy together. but its as if like he has a mind and he refuses to be happy or do anything nice for me. he even told me that that its "him" but the fact that he had no intention made me sad. so we gave out to each other and still haven't spoking to each other in about 2 weeks. my mother does like him. but she was surprised about the way he left me down i feel so worthless so ugly and fat. that he doesnt want to go away with me. perhaps i cant blame him

OP posts:
ElderlyKoreanLady · 09/11/2015 18:47

If you've not spoken for 2 weeks OP, I'd say the relationship is over. Book a holiday with your mates.

mommy2ash · 09/11/2015 18:49

Op I mean this in the kindest way possible but do you and your partner have some form of additional or special needs whatever the correct term is for it these days? You seem to be getting a hard doing on here but the difficulties understanding your posts aside you seem quite sheltered and don't seem to grasp this isn't a healthy relationship. Everyone deserves to be happy and if after four years you aren't maybe you need to move on

creamponies · 09/11/2015 18:51

i havent told about our "latest chapter" to anyone except to my mother and sister. i have looked a deals to him and said that is a really good offer and he says i have to think about and then either he cant go or something crops up maybe it is over but it is he said he can always go back to his other ex and im sure she have him back so i cant say we go on break

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 09/11/2015 18:51

he even told me that that its "him"

So he told you and you need to listen. He hasn't got the decency to end this relationship nicely but hasn't called you for two weeks?

Do yourself a big favour and delete his number. he really does not care, sad but true.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 09/11/2015 18:53

OP Please just stay away from this man. For both your sake and his. The more I read the more awkward this whole thread feels.

Enjolrass · 09/11/2015 18:53

Even if he books something you won't be happy. Because deep down you know it's because you made him do it. Not because he wanted to. So you won't feel special or whisked away.

If you haven't spoken in two weeks I would say it's already over from his point of view

ThirtyFivePounds · 09/11/2015 18:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PiperChapstick · 09/11/2015 19:16

Is that you,Sharon?

Best. MN line. Ever Grin

3sugarsplease · 09/11/2015 19:24

All I can gather from this thread is that you're really into sex and holidays.Grin

TonyMaguire · 09/11/2015 19:24

Oh also, sex in cars is cold & uncomfortable & you make farting noises when your skin pushes against the leather!
Is that a stealth boast about your leather interior, Midnight? Grin

OP, are you in Ireland by chance? No way on earth to squeeze in between an Irish man and his mammy 'who needs him'. Cut your losses and find someone else.

00100001 · 09/11/2015 19:26

Sharon, look, face facts. The "relationship" is over. Go out, meet people, move on!

Jux · 09/11/2015 19:29

Creamponies, he is making use of you but no more. Please stop letting him use you like this.

He says that he can go back to his ex, she'll have him, well let him do that then.

You deserve to be happy; he isn't making you happy. He drops in and out of your life when it suits him, and lets his family be rude to you.

You will only find a better man if you let go of the tosser you're with now. Get rid of the one who only makes you happy sometimes and find the one who makes you happy all the time.

OceanSounds123 · 09/11/2015 19:31

It sounds like it is time to move on.It seems to me that you have been doing all the organising in your relationship while he just drifts along.
I see the grammar/punctuation police are out in force!

PiperChapstick · 09/11/2015 19:32

he said he can always go back to his other ex and im sure she have him back so i cant say we go on break

He's a prick. You're well rid. Enjoy some you time and go on holiday with your friends. It sounds like he's knocked your confidence really badly with what you're saying. I know it's hard but you need to listen to everyone when they say forget about him. If he hasn't contacted you in 2 weeks that's a big sign to say he doesn't wanna be with you Flowers

SoftDay · 09/11/2015 19:36

Hi creamponies,
I'm sorry to hear you are in so much distress. Your situation sounds very difficult. Please try not to be upset about some of the hard things that have been said about the way you write. Please forgive me for pointing out that some of it is, indeed, difficult to follow. There is nothing to be ashamed of in this. There is a huge difference between a poster writing in a lazy, sloppy way and a poster who struggles to communicate well. Not everybody has access to the same educational opportunities. Well done for being brave enough to reach out to people and seek help.

I think I'm right in concluding, from certain turns of phrase you've used, that, like me, you're Irish. I'm guessing, too, that you live in a small town or rural village rather than Dublin or another city? I think, OP, that there are cultural differences which will make it more difficult for UK readers to comprehend people still living at home in their 30s and 40s. I get it, particularly the problems around having sex in the parental home!

The main thing I want to say to you, creamponies, is that you are not useless, ugly or fat. I think you have a sadly poor sens of your own worth, plus little experience of what to expect and demand in a relationship. It seems to me all the holiday stuff is merely a symptom of deeper problems, which is that your partner is not really committed to you, and neither of you is communicating well with the other. Unfortunately, OP, I don't think this man is likely to change at this point in his life. I don't think he will give you what you want. Would you like to get married? Do you want to try for children? What course are you doing and have you had a job in the past?

OP, you must remember you are not worthless or ugly. Do you have a medical card? Could you talk to your GP about perhaps accessing some counselling on the public health system? Some private counsellors will offer a service to people on low incomes whereby only a small fee is charged. If you would like to feel more confident about your writing, spelling etc, you could perhaps contact an organisation called NALA,which could provide you with support. Again, there is no shame in needing this type of help.

Do you have friends you can talk to about how you are feeling and your relationship? I hope you're okay, OP. Mind yourself.

creamponies · 09/11/2015 20:03

thanks soft dayxxxx and piper and oceans and all the posters that replied to me i feel it better. apart of me would prefer to move on i mean i cant take any more of his mind games but the fear of the unknown. I think personally that if you with anyone and after 4 years still refuses to bring you away that says it all. i dont want anyone to know about my mum and my sister does. thanks all im doing a course at the moment that is keeping me very busy so thats is good at least i dont have too much time on my mindsxxx thanks allx

OP posts:
FaFoutis · 09/11/2015 20:04

Good luck creamponies.

Pidapie · 09/11/2015 21:42

I don't understand much from your posts, but I can't see why you two are in a relationship at all. This just seems a bit stupid, sorry.

Pidapie · 09/11/2015 21:44

Also, what SoftDay says. She's better at words than I am!